Resolve
It hurts. No that doesn't quite describe it. The burning, the anxiety, the giant hole in the middle of my chest, it's agonizing. Victoria. I have to concentrate on Victoria. I'm somewhere in South America, trying to follow a scent that barely exists. I have to follow it away because I cannot think about going back. I won't go back, I won't ruin her life. The hole seems to grow every time I think of her, which is often. Her warm, translucent skin, her inviting blush, the way she smiles, the way she chews her lower lip, her eyes.
A scream ripped from my throat and I found myself on my knees, the useless air was flowing quickly in and out of my hollow, soulless body. Her eyes. I pounded the solid rock beneath me causing half of it to break off and fall treacherously into the dark meadow below. I took a deep breath, letting the vivid scents fill my nose and then I found it. I managed to separate the crisp smell of vampire from hundreds of other scents that filled the small valley. It was faint but I ran after it. I ran fast, my nose pressed almost completely to the ground. I ran until my mind was consumed with the scent of Victoria. The one I would kill, the only other thing I could do to keep my Bella safe.
The phone in my pocket began to vibrate as I ran north. North? It is then I notice the rising sun that is quickly soaking up the wilderness around me. I needed a car. Fast. My phone continued its annoying vibrations. I should shut it off, sever my ties completely, I don't even know why I brought it with me. But my hand did not move to even remove it from my pocket. No. I must focus on Victoria, the path. The path that I now realize is taking me back towards Bella. The hole was consuming me, the phone was annoying me. I needed a car, and then I heard it. A snarl ripped through my throat as a turned to the familiar scent.
"Relax Edward, I'm not going to drag you back, though I know you will eventually come back."
"Go away Alice." I turned from her quickly, not allowing myself to miss my sister.
I miss you. No one knows I'm here, not even Jasper. I just, I wanted to go see Bella, just check on her. She won't even see me, Edward.
A snarl ripped my throat, what was she thinking, why was she asking if she was so concerned she should just do it? Was she trying to kill me? If she went to check on Bella it would only take a few days maybe even hours, to convince myself that I had to check on Bella too, make sure she was safe, watch her from far away. Then I would want to touch Bella, talk to Bella, protect Bella, kiss Bella. I growled again. Why did Alice suddenly want to do the one thing that would cause me to loathe myself even more? Then it hit me, fast. She must have seen something. I was next to Alice in a blink of the eye. "What did you see?"
Images flashed through her mind, slightly blurred. Bella was writhing in pain in a room that was only too familiar. Another image, Bella had blood pooling around her head and Victoria standing over her with a feral grin. Another, Victoria was there again, trying to breech the werewolves' defenses, and finally Victoria in Bella's room. Alice was suddenly and ferociously thinking of German history. I had jumped to my feet and was in a very offensive and dangerous crouch. Alice's eyes were closed. When they opened I straightened. I could not go to Bella, those are only possibilities. Possibilities that became less blurred when I was ready to take off to Forks.
Yes Edward, they are only possibilities. She could not read my mind but my sister knew me well, I could not look at her and so she knew I could not believe her. I'm afraid for her, Edward. I keep seeing all these things, keep having these strange visions of her, she's there and then she's not. She's on a motorcycle one second and then she's not, she's in her truck and then poof! Tell me, Edward, where is Victoria's trail leading?
"No, I did the only thing that could keep Bella safe. I left her and you are not going to risk her seeing you and I am not going to risk you allowing her to. Please Alice, please, you know those visions only come when my resolve weakens. Please, just leave." The hole was gaping, the anxiety was indisputable.
I'm worried about you, we all are, even Rosalie. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran. I ran away from the tortured face, a face I was sure mirrored my own, of Alice. She didn't follow, or maybe she did, I didn't care. I ran from what I would be doing to Bella if I gave up. I ran away from the trail that I now acknowledged, led back to where I came from, back to Forks. I ran to keep Bella safe. I ran to save her, I ran until I fell into the ocean, then I floated.
My mind seemed to shut down. I was vaguely aware of my phone that I rested on my chest above the water. Why didn't I just destroy it? Keep Alice's visions and sympathy away, keep Carlisle's understanding and forgiveness away and Esme's sorrow and Emmett's loneliness and Rosalie's vanity, keep away Jasper's promises. Why couldn't I keep them away as completely as I was keeping Bella away? I was too selfish, too selfish to give up my family and my love. I floated until the pain overwhelmed me, and I began to welcome the beautiful numbness as misery washed over me in crashing waves. Bella. I will keep her safe.
I don't know how long I floated. I was aware of the sun glinting off my skin as if I was a chandelier, but I was far away from the shore. My phone vibrated on my still dry chest it reminded me of what I was too weak to give up. It startled me out of my whirlwind of despair and into a downward spiral of hate. I ignored it, focusing solely on the hate. A fish began to nibble delicately at my frozen fingers. I tried to push it away but it didn't go. I sighed, coming back to myself slowly. The sun was blinding and the current was oddly strong. The fish stopped nibbling but swam close to me. I lifted my head to get my bearings. I could see the shore, it was far off but getting closer with each wave. I placed my phone between my lips and began the long swim back, back to tracking. Tracking what? I still had no clue. Victoria was out of my hands.
I'm afraid for her Alice's plea echoed in my head, over and over. I saw her visions again, Bella dying or becoming a vampire. Bella being tracked, should I allow that to happen? I couldn't, I would not live in a world where something so pure and beautiful no longer existed. If I stayed away would that happen? Would something worse happen? I should go back, at least find Alice and have her check on Bella. She was right. Bella is so fragile, so easily broken. The memory of Jasper attacking Bella surfaced and I cringed as I reached the joining of the ocean and the abandoned woods.
The phone vibrated in my hand again as I pulled myself out of the water. I climbed the tree and attempted to dry in the sunlight. There was no one around for miles. I gasped as the hole in my chest seemed to rip open my entire body, causing me to lose my balance and fall to the ground. I slammed into the ground creating a small body shaped crater. It didn't matter. I laid there thinking I wasn't going to survive this pain, hoping that something would come and end my life. The phone continued to vibrate.
I tried to control the shudders of my marble body. Bzzzz. Bzzzz. Bzzzz. The phone was torturing me. I lifted it quickly to see Rosalie's number. Rosalie was torturing me, of course. I had to go find Bella. I had to see her face. I had to, I wouldn't let her see me but I had to look at her, just once. I snapped the phone open angrily as the electric waves of self loathing hit me.
"What?" I growled.