The Worst Surprise

By DreDreMalfy (AKA PotterBoy06)

THIS IS A COPYRIGHTED WORK!

It was another long day at Hogwarts, the wizard school. Potions class had just finished (and oh man was that a relief! That Snape could be a real bore or a jerk too!) and Neville was looking all around the classroom. He wondered if anyone could tell if he was showing yet. He wondered what they would say when they found out his baby was made out of wedlock. What would Harry say? Probably something nice or comforting, though, because Harry was a good guy and also the best wizard to ever live!

Neville shook his head as if a fly had landed on it, even though one hadn't. He had to focus if he wanted to convince Snape to help him. After all, Snape was a real jerk (A/N: I know he's really not a jerk, but play along guys okay ) so it wasn't very likely he would help. But Neville knew he had to ask, or the story would go nowhere. He straightened his cloaks (he wore two this time of year) and walked over to the professor.

"Snape, I'm wizard pregnant." Neville blurted out. He fidgeted nervously with his wizard clasp on his wizard robes (aka cloaks), then looked up. Snape was looking straight past him, his eyes unfocused and his mouth moving but no words were coming out. Neville thought he might be stroking out, but then it turned out Snape just hadn't heard him. "Snape…" Neville said, running a hand down Snape's arm. "I'm all full up with wizard babies."

Snape looked at him; "Oh, it's you… Wideass" Snape muttered, pretending he wasn't all about helping people out. "It's Longbottom," Neville corrected. Snape didn't hear it though because he didn't care. "What do you want?" Snape snapped, (A/N: LOL Snape snapped sounds so funny) "If you want an abortion, you'll have to meet me out back by the forbidden forest like everyone else."

"No," Neville was quick to correct him. "I'm keeping this baby," (A/N: see previous story, "Neville's Choice"). "I just need to know what kind of baby it is." Neville realized that this was probably a better question to ask a doctor, but time was short and Snape was popular. "Can you use a potion or spell combo to find out?"

"I probably can for sure, but why should I?" Asked Snape like a total dick. "I don't even like looking at children, much less some skanky old baby."

"Here," Neville said, handing him a magic stone (it looked like an emerald or a emerald filled with diamonds). "It lets you see and touch dead people."

"Yea alright, I've been trying to get one of these" Snape said, putting it in his pocket. "Well, hop up on the table." Neville did. Snape pulled out a wand an a bottle of some really cool looking potion. "Drink this potion. It will let me see what kind of baby you have because it's magic." The explanation was flawless, so Neville chugged it down.

Snape got right to work. Somehow he was able to use his wand and the potion to see the baby's stats. "Oh, damn." Snape said, looking at the charts. "It's bad news, Neville."

Neville had never heard bad news he'd liked, so he knew something was wrong. "What is it?" Snape looked away, a panicked look on his face. "Tell me, Snape. I'm a big boy now, you know that. I can take it."

Snape looked back at Neville, his douchebag exterior not hiding his sugary center. "It's a Weasley." Neville looked a bit surprised. Why was that so bad? "A RON Weasley."

Neville puked his chunks all over Snape's desk. He felt like he had just been kicked in the belly by a Hippogriff or punch in the spine by a drunk Hagrid. How? How could this have happened? What had he even done to God to make such a terrible thing happen?

"Malfoy." Neville knew somehow. "That punk ass bitch did this." Snape looked up at him. "Driedel Malfoy? Why would he do something like this?" Snape wondered aloud. "Some sort of special prank?"

Neville scoffed. "Some prank. I'm going to be pushing out Ron Weasley in seven months!" Neville could barely contain his rage, so he punched Hermaginose in the face (A/N: she was there this whole time, but she doesn't talk much after the accident. See previous story; "Hermioknea's Mistake"). Snape couldn't blame him for the anger. He wouldn't want to give birth to another Weasley either. "Do you know when he had the chance?" Snape asked, oddly still helping Neville. Neville shook his head. "Well, I guess we won't explain the how then. The only question now is, how do we get revenge?"

Neville pulled a wand out of his pants. He knew exactly how to get Dreidel back. "I'm going to burn the left half of his face off," Neville replied, "It's the perfect prank." Snape got a wry smile spreading across his face. "Then we'll see who has the last laugh…"