Killua woke up in a cold sweat. He sat up in bed and he wiped the sweat off his face. 'Dammit, that's the 12th time this month.' He thought to himself in frustration. He sighed. He was starting to get sick of it. Worrying about going to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night. These recurring nightmares.
Killua had the same type of nightmares lately. Illumi taking him away, Illumi hurting or even killing Gon, Gon leaving him and throwing away their friendship or even being forced to kill Gon. All those things scared him. They've happened every night so far, he wasn't sure if half of them were even dreams.
Sometimes there were just random images of people and just plain red. Red. Red. Red. Sometimes that's all he saw. Just plain red, Killua was smart enough to realize that all that red meant blood. But who's blood, and who was injured, who was hurt, in pain, suffering. Who. Who. Who? 'Who' repeated in his mind sounding like an owl was trapped in this thoughts. He looked over to the other side of his bed to see Gon. He was sounds asleep. At least someone could sleep. '3am' the clock read.
Killua put on a pair of shorts and grabbed a jacket. He didn't bother with gloves or a scarf but he grabbed his hunter's license,he just wanted to get out of that small room for a few hours. He wanted to think of anything other than sleeping. Killua quietly opened the door and exited the hotel room. The lights were dim and there weren't any people in the hallway.
Once he got to the lobby, there were very few people around. Some hotel staff, others sitting on the couch on their phones or having a small chat.
Once outside, the chilly night breeze meets Killua's unprotected hands and his face. Lifting his hood over his head for protection from this ice cold wind, Killua stuck his hands in his warmed pockets and hung his head low. He continued a slow pace up the street. He didn't know where he was going, he just needed somewhere to go. Anywhere that would help him escape his troubles.
Reaching a small park, he found an empty park bench. As he sat down, he took a deep breath. Breathing in the chilly air, he exhaled and the cold could be seen from his breath. He contemplated his surroundings. Only a few street lights lit the park up. He searched. Anything, he just needed something to distract himself. It was a useless attempt, his mind just kept going back to what he saw before he woke up.
Tonight he had dreamt of Gon leaving his side. "I don't need you anymore Killua." The words echoed in his mind. It made him cringe. "Go away Killua. Get away from me." His voice was like a knife, stabbing his heart. "I hate you. We were never friends. As if someone like you could be my friend." He hated every second that it took for his mind to think about that.
It repeated in his mind, like his brain was stuck on 're-play'. He covered his ears, eyes still shut tight. "Shut up." He whispered. In despair, his mind wondered to other thoughts and conclusions. Did Gon really think that? Was Killua really a nuisance to Gon? No, surely not. It can't be. What if Gon actually hated Killua. Killua just distracted Gon fr his goal, finding his father. 'If it wasn't for me, Gon would have probably found his father by now.' Killua thought to himself, He didn't want to accept it. "Killua." Gon's voice in his head didn't leave him alone. "Shut up." He said aloud.
"I hate you, Killua." It echoed endlessly. 'No, he doesn't hate me, right? If he didn't like being around me then he would've already left, right?' Killua searched his mind for a reason, ANY reason to prove the voice in his wrong. "Stop fooling yourself. He just hasn't told you because he pities you. You're so pathetic that you rely on his friendship like it was your life-line. That's why he hasn't left, yet." Killua wasn't even sure if that was his own mind speaking, or if was somehow someone else's.
"You're no good." It raided his mind. "I hate you, Killua. As if someone like you could be my friend." His heart hurt with every beat. "Killua." It wouldn't leave him alone. "SHUT UP." Killua yelled. Then realized how loud that was. He looked around in embarrassment.
Luckily, nearly everyone in this city was sleeping. He tried to stand up but his legs gave out and he fell on his knees. He found himself on his knees and palms, all fours. He dug his fingers into the dirt on the ground. "Why am I so stupid?" He whispered to himself. He saw droplets of water fall in front of his face and soak IK the dirt. He felt the tears slide down his cheeks before streaming into the ground He smiled weakly. 'So I finally broke.' He thought to himself as he made no move or thought to change his current situation.
After a few minutes, he felt water drop on bid back. Rain. He made an attempt to stand up. He wobbled a bit, but he was on his feet. The cold rain got a bit heavier, but Killua started a slow pace. 'At least this way, you couldn't tell that I was crying.' He thought as he paid no attention to where he was going.