Pulling Puzzles Apart :)
It's been nearly three months since I last hit Amy. We're not together anymore, but I guess I only have myself to blame. I have said sorry till I'm blue in the face, but she has made her mind up about us and she doesn't want me in that way now. She has even started dating again, some bloke called Dan. I wonder how she can move on so quickly, but I suppose after everything that I put her through she needs some happiness. I should be pleased for her, but I'm not. At least she hasn't kicked me out…yet.
She said I could stay with her and the kids as long as I behave myself and try and sort myself out, but I can't see that happening anytime soon. I thank god I have Leah and Lucas, they are my blessings and they keep me sane. If it wasn't for them I think I'd be lying in a gutter somewhere. I just get so angry sometimes and then Amy starts on me and I just lose it, it's like I become a different person. I want to change my ways, I want to be a better man, but I'm not as bad as Amy makes out.
She thinks that I need to go and see someone and speak about my past and my anger issues, but I don't see the point. She keeps on and on about it all the time, but I'm alright me. I just lose my temper sometimes. Her continuous nagging worked though and tomorrow I've got an appointment to see some psychologist bloke, apparently he will take notes and monitor me and my behavior. I can't even remember the bloke's name I'm supposed to be seeing, that's how much it means to me. Anyway I'm doing this for her not me.
I don't want her thinking that I don't care enough about her because I do. Who knows this could even bring us closer together and we might even be able to put the past behind us and start again. I do love Amy, but I think somewhere along the line we fell out of love with each other. Maybe by doing this I can win her back and make her fall in love with me all over again. She seems happy now though, happier than I made her and I can't stand it. I can't stand someone else putting a smile on her face.
Soon the kids will be calling him Daddy Dan and I'll just be shut out of their lives. I'll be nobody. Maybe some good will come out of all this, I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I really don't know what I'm going to talk about with this bloke though, I have nothing to say to him and If I did tell him anything, he'd only judge me and I'm not having that. Still if I really hate it I just won't go again. I'll just pretend to Amy that I go every week.
Amy thinks that I have real problems. She thinks I'm headed for prison if I don't sort myself out. She tells me I'm on a long path of self-destruction and if I don't get help now I will ruin everything. Maybe she is right, but what good will talking to a stranger do? He is going to pry into my life, ask loads of questions when nothing out of the ordinary has really happened to me. So I thieve a little and I've been in juvee, I've hit my girlfriend and lost countless jobs, but that doesn't mean I need help does it?
Amy wanted to come with me today, but to be honest I'd rather go on my own. I'm a little bit nervous and I don't want her seeing me like that. Men are supposed to be strong not weak, then again real men don't hit women so I guess I'm not a real man anyway. It takes me two buses to get there and as I walk into the unfamiliar building I suddenly feel like a school kid again, waiting to see the headmaster. Everyone looks dead posh in here and even though I'm dressed in my best trackies, I still feel out of place.
I make my way over to the reception desk and hand the kind looking lady my appointment letter. She tells me to head down the corridor, take a left and wait in the waiting area to be called in. I smile at her and follow her instructions, although I very nearly went right instead of left. I never was any good with my left and right. The waiting room is quite small and three other people are sat patiently waiting. All I want to do now is turn around and go home.
There is another small reception desk, only this time the lady isn't as kind looking, she looks harsh and judgmental and working in a place like this, she probably is. There are five rooms and I can't help but wonder which one I am going to be called into. The waiting room is hot and some bloke sat opposite me is tapping his feet and it's really starting to get on my nerves. I might have to tell him to stop it in a minute, maybe I could take some of my anger out on his face.
I take another five minutes of his annoying tapping before I open my mouth as if to speak, but the receptionist calls my name and tells me to go into room two. I'd have bet a tenner on room three, just my luck. I knock on the door and hear a strong Irish accent telling me to come in. I feel strange, like I'm going to be sick and I tell myself to get a grip and then enter room two. I stare intently at the man I'm going to be sharing moments of my life with and I have to say he's surprisingly young.
He is all suited and booted, smart and confident and I'm a bag of nerves already. He is sat down with a pen in his hand and a notebook in front of him and I feel like I'm being judged already. He's got some kind of YMCA tash going on and I want to laugh, but I don't. I walk further into the room and then he speaks.
"Steven isn't it?"
"Um…yeah, but Ste's fine."
"Steven it is then. Take a seat. I'm Dr Brady but you can call me Brendan."
Shall i continue this?
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