Disclaimer: I don't own any of Masashi Kishimoto's works/characters. This fic is a crack.
P.S: Don't take this fic too seriously.
Seriously.
Akatsuki Fanclub Guide to:
Uchihanese
Welcome back to the Akatsuki Fanclub (AF) special fan service selection. This is a simple guide for all Itachi/ Sasuke/ Uchiha-lovers and worshippers.
In this special segment, you will be given the opportunity to learn to speak the language of the Uchiha Family (or its remains at least.) There are a total of ten levels/rules of speech that one must complete before becoming a fully certified Uchiha-guist. In this issue of AFG, we will be reviewing the first few exercises of this course.
Exercise 1 (Level 1):
Before taking this course, one must harvest the feeling of which we call 'hatred'. All forms of 'hatred' are acceptable in this course, e.g. 'hatred' for your siblings, teachers, parents, grandparents or the whole damn galaxy. Note: 'Hatred' for sibling is much better preferred for this course, especially an older sibling.
An alternative to 'hatred': If you feel that you lack the 'hatred' to attend this course. An alternative solution is to check your 'Insane-misunderstood-sense-of-sibling-complex' levels (IMSSC). If you find that your IMSSC levels are above 90% then you have officially completed the first level of this course.
Note: To determine you IMSSC levels, you must ensure that you tease your siblings on a regular basis (in a mean-love way) or you tend to ignore them when they insult or assault you.
Exercise 2 (Level 2):
First, let me congratulate and welcome those of you who have made it through level 1 of Uchihanese to Level 2 of this course. In this part of the course, you will first learn to hone your Uchihanese vocabulary. You will advance to the next level based on your understanding of this exercise:
In this exercise, you must fill in the definition of the words according to the scenario and conversation:
Q1.
Naruto: "MY DREAM IS TO BECOME THE GREATEST HOKAGE IN THE WORLD DATTEBAYO!!!"
Sasuke: "Hn (______)."
Q2.
Rabid Fan girls: "KYAA SASUKE-KUN! MARRY ME!!!!"
Sasuke: "Hn (______)."
Q3.
Orochimaru: "What powerful eyes…they will be mine! GIVE ME YOUR BODY!!!"
Sasuke: "Hn (______)."
Q4.
Kisame: "Hey where did my shark porn magazines go?"
Itachi: "Hn (______)."
Q5.
Sasuke: "I'LL KILL YOU!"
Itachi: "Hn (______)."
DUE TO UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES SECTION TWO WILL DISCONTINUE. THE AF WILL HOWEVER CONTINUE TO KEEP PAYING MEMBERS/ CUSTOMERS UPDATED TO ANY NEW WITH REGARDS TO THE EXPANSION OF THE UCHIHA VOCABULARY. WE APOPLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE CAUSED (and it will cost you).
THANK YOU.
Exercise 3 (Section 3):
An important aspect of the Uchiha culture is GOOD LOOKS. Now I'm not saying that any of you out there are ugly or anything I'm just saying that our favorite Uchiha brothers have GOOD LOOKS. And well if you don't think you have GOOD LOOKS it's not my problem that you don't look like that.
So to help cater to this issue, the guide has decided that now that you have reached section 3 you are worthy of attaining such GOOD LOOKS. Here is a checklist of things you might need:
1. A Black wig (if you don't have black hair or black hair dye), preferably stylish. You have two choices of style:
- Chicken butt-head
- Long ponytail
2. Always carry red contacts these are a MUST HAVE. (Red contacts will be available for purchase at the AF Headquarters for 3000¥ per pair.) The buyer/consumer will be given a choice between your average sharingan or mangekyou sharingan – that comes in three different styles Tsukuyomi, Amaterasu and Susanoo (LIMITED EDITION ONLY).
3. If you are a fan of the older Uchiha you must have laugh lines even if you don't laugh a lot. This feature is not compulsory for fans of the younger Uchiha.
And so with your check list complete you are one step closer to being Uchiha-guist! Now moving on to application, well frankly I don't know anything about application so for now everything will be in FREE STYLE!!!!!!!!
We interrupt you for breaking news…the author of this issue of the guide is running out of (logical) ideas constantly and is sad to say turning into a horrible author. As a result the Council (What council?!) has decided to change each Exercise into a Rule. Once again we apologize for the inconvenience caused.
Rule 4 (Level 4):
Okay so listen up and listen good all you marriage-hormone-crazed-KYAA-fangirls out there. No matter what you do or no matter how many placards or noise you make Uchiha Itachi and Sasuke will NOT MARRY YOU do you understand me?! It is their current destiny to remain single and be forever chased and somehow never restore their clan EVER! (with an exception to what happens in fanfics)
And guess what even if they do marry you, you will never meet your IN-LAWS EVER! How sad is that?! Besides why waste time and precious resources making placards and disposing of them later? GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL AND HAPPENING!!!
Anyway why so impatient? Going into marriage in less than a second? No guy would marry you (no offense) if you said that! Uchihanese is all about patience, PATIENCE no patience and you fail! So if you want to speak Uchihanese you have to be patient!
Think about it, how many chapters did you think Sasuke spent waiting trying to hunt down Itachi? And how many chapters did you think Itachi had to wait so his brother was strong enough to fight him man-to-man and get the chance to lure him into a cave and die? 393 CHAPTERS! THAT'S A FRIGGIN WHOLE LOT OF CHAPTERS AND MANGA VOLUMES!!!
So stop making placards! The first step to everything is friendship even servitude is a form of friendship! Devote yourselves to them but don't be overbearing and try to push love into the picture.
There is no love. Hn.
We have now come to an end of the Uchihanese Special segment of the AF Guide. Please take note that this is only a sample of the basics of the course. You may sign up for the full course via mail to the address attached behind this page. Payments are to be made at AF Headquarters personally or to make things more convenient just give us your bank account number! There are a total of ten sessions across a period of ten weeks each session will last half an hour.
Cost per session is 2,000,000¥. A special discount will be made available to members only. So if you want a discount, sign up now for only 295,000¥ and receive other premium member-only offers!
This issue of the AF Guide was sponsored by:
Akatsuki Fanclub
The Akatsuki Lovers Guild
Konoha Uchiha Police
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