Chapter 1: The Part Where Harry Pisses Off the Dursleys Again
Harry Potter was in the zoo in Surrey for Dudley's birthday once again. He stood in front of a pane of glass dividing him from an exhibit full of boa constrictors. His separation from these deadly predators reminded him of how Cedric Diggory had been killed by Pettigrew, separating him from Harry's life forever.
He played Linkin Park music on his iPod as he reflected upon all of his angsty thoughts.
A throng of tourists packed the space behind him.
"And these are boa constrictors," said the tour guide as she gestured towards the exhibit. "We have been unsuccessful at getting them to procreate in captivity, though to be fair, you would also have a hard time getting it on if you were forced to do it in broad daylight while throngs of bystanders watched you from behind a window. Puts things into perspective, doesn't it?" She led the tourists away to the next exhibit.
Dudley approached Harry. He was eating a kebab with meat from a variety of critically endangered African mammals. "You still hung up about that Cedric Diggory guy? What are you, gay?"
Harry pulled his wand out of the area of his pants which was also coincidentally the location of his penis. "Why? Would you have a problem with that?"
Dudley backed up against the glass. "N-No. Not at all."
Harry pointed his wand at the glass and shouted, "Evanesco!"
The glass disappeared and Dudley tripped backwards and fell into the exhibit.
Harry pointed at the window frame and shouted, "Evanesco Reverso!"
The glass reappeared, trapping Dudley in the exhibit. He banged on the glass and shouted at the top of his lungs, but it did him no good. Several boa constrictors slithered up to him and began to constrict themselves around his neck, which was so fat and thick that more than one snake was mandatory.
Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon ran up to the glass and started to freak out.
"Oh no, my Dinky Diddydums is going to die!" said Petunia, wailing like a hag from old fashioned times.
"Harry Potter! You get my son out of this effing exhibit this instant!" said Vernon, his face red with diabetic rage.
Harry gave them all the middle finger and then made his way out of this stupid zoo.