Being Found, a d.gray-man fanfic

Approximately 22 pgs, 7604 words.

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit work of fanfiction. I do not have any claim on the series D.Gray-man or its characters. This story also includes references to and depictions of sex that are mostly homosexual. Because this story follows a specific canon timeline, some of those characters depicted in sexual acts could be considered as minors--this does not mean I am condoning such behaviour.

Author's note: This follows the manga (not the anime, which has a completely different timeline; it also does not take into account the novels, as I have not read them) as interspersed scenes or flashbacks in a drabble-like form. If you're not familiar with the manga you will most likely be confused, and if you aren't up to chapter 122 you probably shouldn't read it at all as Rabi's characterisation plays on key points revealed in 113-122.

More notes at end of fic.

Thanks to AdmiralYen for the beta.

Dedicated to ThisTyranny: As much as I miss you, I can't help but channel your Kanda as I write. Still hoping we play again someday...

Being Found : Part 1

If you don't feel pain does that mean you are uninjured? If you don't feel love does that mean you never cared?

When you hear your heart beating for the first time--does that mean you were dead, or just asleep?

Then, do you wake to find yourself in love--or do you love the one that woke you?

There's a chance that none of it would've happened if Allen hadn't asked the question. That Rabi would have found other points to tease him on, and that no one would have ever known Allen's secret feelings towards another Exorcist.

There's a chance. But most likely Rabi would've figured it out sooner or later. He only had one eye, but it was exceptionally sharp.

And Allen did ask the question. He really couldn't help himself--ever since Rabi had mentioned Kanda, ever since he'd oh so casually used Kanda's first name (Allen hadn't even realised that Kanda wasn't Yuu's first name)--he'd been thinking that there was a lot he didn't know about the Japanese Exorcist.

But from the feeling that those dark eyes with their upturned corners and burning intensity put into the pit of his stomach--Allen wanted to know. He wanted to know so badly that it felt like the pointed talons of his own clawed left hand were reaching into his chest.

Which is why Allen really couldn't help himself. Which is why he asked.

"So...you've known Kanda for awhile?"

"Yuu? Met him shortly after joining up with the order. Almost three years now." They were headed east on the Orient Express, sitting across from each other in a train compartment. But Rabi wasn't looking at Allen, to which he was thankful; the redhead's gaze was fixed on the passing towns and fields.

"Three years...so you're close?" He tried to sound casual, inquisitive but not unnaturally so, certainly not like he was fixated.

Rabi shrugged, "As close as one can be to a person like Yuu. He's got some walls you know, but I guess we all do." Rabi smiled as he turned away from the window to look at Allen.

"But you know things about him, right?"

"Sure...why're you so interested in Yuu?"

"Uh, no reason!" Allen squeaked, and looked down with a blush.

Rabi's eye twinkled with revelation. "You don't have a crush do you?"

"No!" Allen practically screamed.

"Can't blame you. It's hot when he gets all broodingly mysterious, right? Plus he's so pretty..."

"Rabi!" Allen was horrified.

"What? You know I'm right. But Allen," Rabi said ever so sweetly, a broad friendly grin never leaving his face. "I'm afraid you don't have a chance with him, because Yuu's mine."

Allen felt the world suddenly tilt and crash all around him. Of course part of that was probably him falling out of his chair.

"You okay there, Sprout?" Rabi's voice called him back to reality.

"What? How? What?"

Rabi frowned slightly. "Don't get over worked about it. It's just as I said, Yuu's mine, only got eyes for me. I'm lucky, huh?"

"Um..." Allen didn't know what to say, but his heart was racing as too many thoughts flew about his head.

Rabi put his smile on again as he leaned back in his chair and rested his head in his hands, back to surveying the passing countryside as the train barrelled on. Allen just gaped up from the floor.

"B-but at Crowley's...! The castle! You went all crazy over Eliade!"

"Well sure, she was hot. Who says I can't swing both ways?"

"You can't if you're with someone else!"

"With someone? You mean Yuu?"

Allen glared up incredulously.

"We're not together together, if you get what I mean."

"No, I don't get what you mean! You said Kanda was yours."

"Yeah, Yuu's mine because he's in love with me, I however...spread my affections around a bit more freely." Rabi grinned at Allen, his eyes were full of his own personal amusement.

Allen blinked.

"Let's got see what Crow-chan's up to, hopefully he hasn't lost is clothes again in another rigged card game, yeah?"

Allen blinked again then followed Rabi out of their box and into the hallway of the train car. He hurried on after Rabi, realising that his question had only led to more questions, and the answers he'd gotten had left him feeling dizzy and sick.

When Rabi answered the door of his hotel room he wasn't surprised to see Yuu Kanda there with his usual bland stoic expression.

"You got here fast. I just got your letter yesterday."

Kanda hmphed in reply and pushed himself into the room, past Rabi who was leaning on the door-frame.

"So tell me more about it. You always give crap for details. Tell me more about the kid, Allen was it?"

"Beansprout. He's too useless to have a name."

"Didn't he defeat that Akuma?"

"With me constantly saving his ass!" Kanda glared at Rabi, "I'm not here to talk about Walker."

Rabi leered. "Oh I know what you're here for Yuu." Colour rose to Kanda's cheeks, he lifted his chin and looked away. "But you hafta put up with this little drill first. You know that's the reason Gramps puts up with these liaisons of ours. He knows it's the only way to get a decent account of the missions out of you. Your reports usually only say where you went and list a death count, like I said, crap for details. So, the Beansprout is a parasite type? That's rare..."

"I told you! I am not here to talk about that kid!" Kanda whirled around angrily.

"Tell me about the innocence then, how human did it really seem?"

"I'm not talking about that damn mission anymore, if that's all you want from me I'm leaving right now!"

Rabi pushed himself away from the wall and locked the door with care. He walked towards Kanda as if stalking a cornered animal, when he spoke his voice was low and sent a chilling thrill down Kanda's back. "That's definitely not all I want from you."

He pushed Kanda to the bed and pulled the smaller man's coat from his shoulders, bringing bare flesh into view. Rabi ran his tongue across Kanda's clavicle and up to his ear. "I know your secret Yuu, so I'm not worried about getting my answers. If you want it that badly, I'll give it to you first. I know you're so much more agreeable after you come, then you'll tell me everything I want to know."

Kanda shivered as Rabi continued to give the attention of his lips and tongue to Kanda's neck while his hands made quick work of both their clothing. Kanda lay still on the bed, his breath erratic, until Rabi lowered the length of his naked body over his and put their lips together. The kiss was soft at first until Kanda surged up from underneath and buried his fingers into Rabi's hair and kissed with a bruising force. Rabi gave back as good as he got, and soon they were one writhing whimpering form.

After it ended they laid together, sated. Rabi on his back with Kanda's head resting on his chest. They spoke softly, and true to his promise, Rabi got Kanda to give him all the details he'd wanted. When the light began to cast long shadows Kanda rose, but Rabi pulled him back down against him.

"Stay for another round?" He asked into Kanda's shoulder.

"Can't." Kanda frowned, " I've got a train to catch."

"Catch a later one," Rabi kissed the shoulder.

"I've already wasted too much time here," Kanda hissed.

"Wasted? You call that a waste? Well, then we'd better do it again and this time make sure it's not a 'waste'."

Kanda struggled against Rabi's grip for a moment, but when the redhead began an assault on his nipples Kanda went limp and despite himself mumbled, "I'll catch the next one..."

Rabi smirked and lifted Kanda's leg to go over his shoulder, "You betcha will."

So Kanda stayed, this time the sex was slower, gentler, more careful. It made Kanda's heart race in a way only Rabi could get him to, but before the semen had a chance to cool on his chest Kanda was on his feet. He cleaned himself with a wet towel from the wash basin and dressed in quick efficient motions. Rabi watched from the bed, his one eye heavily lidded.

"Not gonna stay and cuddle some more?"

"I do not cuddle!" Kanda fumed.

"Fine, let me hold you then."

"I don't want you holding me!"

"Mood swing much?" Rabi mumbled. "Are you trying to cover up emotions by being pissy again?"

"No! I have no emotions for you whatsoever!"

"Sure sure." Rabi stretched out his limbs then fell back boneless. "I think that was the best one yet, don't you? Hm, maybe not...that time we did it right in the middle of a mission might still be the best, or..."

As he finished dressing, Kanda only half listened to Rabi prattle on comparing the times they'd had sex, and the high points of each. When he was sick of Rabi's endless chatter, he stopped his talking with a sentence of his own.

"No, our first time is still the best."

Rabi thought about it as he watched Kanda tie up is hair.

"Maybe you're right, hm. It was really good wasn't it?"

Kanda nodded and was about to leave, his hand on the doorknob, when he turned back around. He looked pensive, paler than usual, his brows knitted together. Rabi was slightly dismayed to see a glimmer of any emotion besides anger on Yuu's face.

"Rabi..." He said quietly, "do you...have you ever...I mean, are you..."

Rabi cut off Kanda's muttering by rising quickly and giving him a light kiss on the lips. "I know what you're trying to say."

"You do?" Kanda's voice was slightly shaky as he looked a Rabi with wide eyes.

"Yep, but the answer is--of course not. You know that Bookmen can't fall in love." Rabi said it with his usual cheerful smile. "Bye Bye, Yuu-chan! Come see me again soon!"

Kanda only growled as he swung the door open and then slammed it shut behind him. He angrily tramped to the train station, his heart and pride hurting far more than his recently used backside.

When the line ended in Istanbul it was decided to find the fastest boat headed to the east and seek passage on it.

"I'll take care of it." Rabi said smugly

The old Bookman eyed him warily then sighed. "Fine but be quick about it. We'll be waiting over in the tea shop." Rabi saluted and then promptly scurried off. Something about the exchange between the two Bookmen had piqued Allen's interest, and before he could stop himself he was going after Rabi.

"I'll go with him!" He called back.

"That's not a good idea!" The Bookman yelled back, but it was too late. Allen was already chasing after with Timcampi clinging to his shoulder, trying to keep Rabi's flaming red hair in sight. Allen followed Rabi towards the harbour, but Rabi never actually went to any of the ships. Instead he took a turn onto a decrepit looking side street and entered one of the shabby buildings.

Allen stared in puzzlement at the building for a while, wondering what being here could possibly have to do with getting passage on a ship. After turning multiple ideas over in his mind he decided to just go in and see what Rabi was up to.

At first it just looked like a normal bar, with heavily made up women in low cut dresses serving drinks. Allen didn't think much of it, besides still wondering why Rabi was even here. One of the women spotted him and came over.

"Why you're just a child! What are you doing here, sweetheart?"

"Well you see, my friend came in here. He's got red hair and a coat like mine..."

"Oh him, yes he went upstairs."

"Upstairs? Okay thanks." Allen moved to the staircase, but the woman stopped him again.

"Wouldn't you rather wait down here for him?"

"No, it's fine, I'm sure he won't mind. We're comrades." Allen said with a smile, as if that explained everything.

She raised an eyebrow, "Well alright...second door on the right."

Allen scurried up the rickety staircase, something about this place made him incredibly uncomfortable, but he couldn't think what it was. He was pondering what exactly he didn't like about it when he opened the door and things suddenly fell into place.

He saw Rabi kneeling on a bed, naked except for his ever present eye-patch and bandanna around his neck with a fully unclothed woman on her back, legs wrapped around his waist. Allen could only stare and watch in horror as Rabi thrusted into the woman while she writhed and moaned underneath him. He saw sweat trickling down Rabi's bare shoulders, saw the woman's breasts sway with each hard jerk, saw the length of Rabi's stiff reddened cock slide in and out of the her dripping wet entrance.

Allen felt like he was going to vomit, but for some reason he couldn't move from where he was standing. Eventually the woman let out a cry as her entire body jerked upwards and Rabi pulled out of her completely, spraying a stream of semen across her stomach. He panted from the exertion leaning on his knuckles, when he opened his left eye he noticed Allen in the doorway.

Though surprise was apparent, Rabi only smiled. "Hey there Beansprout, come to join us? This is Isabelle, isn't she pretty?"

At which point the woman sat up and Allen noticed that the she had long black hair and sharp features. She looked like Kanda, but with breasts. Allen ran.

"Guess he didn't want to play with us after all," Rabi sighed. "Too bad..."

Allen returned to the others, unable to speak and with a stricken look on his face.

Linali fussed over him, incredibly concerned over Allen's state. Bookman sighed and poured more tea. "I told you not to go after him..."

"Where did Rabi go? What happened to Allen?" Linali's voice was full of worry.

The old man simply patted her hand. "Nothing for you to be troubled over."

Linali bit her lip and left it alone, but tried to get Allen to drink some tea. Crowley watched the scene in fascination, but didn't speak a word.

Rabi returned a few hours later, looking extremely pleased with himself.

"We're all set to go on a small smuggling ship bound for Bombay and Hong Kong!" He said cheerfully.

"Smuggling?" Allen squeaked, the first thing he'd said since returning.

"Sure, fastest way to the East, trust me." Rabi said it with a wink, and Allen felt like vomiting again. Allen hadn't expected Rabi to be so readily into questionable activities. It was beginning to remind him too much of his old master.

"How did you arrange that through a whore!?" Allen practically screamed, forgetting where they were. Linali let out a horrified gasp, and the Bookman quickly ushered them all out of the shop.

"The girls know all the sailors, so of course they knew the best ship to take. It's all very logical, Beansprout."

"My name is Allen!" He yelled again, while Linali turned on Rabi with tears in her eyes.

"Oh Rabi...I"m going to pray for you. Hopefully God will forgive you since the sacrifice was for his sake."

Both Rabi and Allen stood a bit stunned as Linali walked on ahead of them, following the other two Exorcists toward the harbour.

"I didn't think it was much of a sacrifice," Allen mumbled.

"Neither did I," Rabi replied.

When Yuu Kanda met Rabi the Bookman's apprentice for the first time, he'd never felt such an overwhelming desire to kill anyone in his life. The boy just wouldn't shut up, nor would he stop pestering Kanda.

He kept asking him questions. Personal questions. What city were you born in? What did your parents do? Any living relatives? Even threatening him with Mugen would only keep Rabi off his case for a little while, then he would be back again with the same stupid questions and the same stupid grin.

Eventually he got used to it. Eventually he began to expect to see Rabi's face popping around corners, up in windows, and even from under his bed. Eventually he developed a tactic for this: hit him over the head, and walk away.

And so, eventually, Rabi began to leave him alone. At first Kanda felt he'd won an incredible personal victory, until he started to miss the regular intrusion of the other boy in his life. Of course he wouldn't admit that he missed the boy, but the fact that he was more irritable when Rabi didn't show up then when he did, was a clear indication of that.

He also began noticing that everyone else in the order seemed enthralled with the redhead. He would entertain the other exorcists and finders alike with tale after tale. He began listening in on these story sessions, leaning discretely against the back wall, he started becoming entranced in the sound of Rabi's voice. Of course he would never admit that either.

But after several days of Rabi paying no attention to him, and several nights of hearing those captivating tales, Kanda began to wish for Rabi to pester him again. Kanda at first thought he was going crazy, his second thought was that yelling at Rabi would make him feel better so he tracked him down to do just that.

However, the place where he tracked him down to happened to be the baths. When he found him, Rabi was too relaxed to respond to him in anyway besides yawning.

"Lets talk later, I'm going to take a nap now," Rabi said as he stood up, revealing his nude body. Kanda's eyes went wide, and a blush crept over his cheeks.

"Why are you naked!" Kanda screamed.

Rabi blinked, "I was taking a bath, do you normally bathe with clothes on?"

Kanda growled in response, "Of course not!"

Rabi simply shrugged and began to towel off. "You're acting really strange today Kanda-san, are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine! Just put some clothes on already." Kanda was still blushing.

"Working on it." Was all Rabi said, but his uncovered eye was studying Kanda. After he dressed he stepped close to Kanda and whispered in his ear. "I think I know what's wrong, meet me in the top tower tonight, midnight, and I'll fix it."

Rabi left with a wink, and Kanda felt a peculiar sensation hit his gut. That wasn't what he planned on happening at all. He was so baffled by it that at a quarter to twelve he found himself climbing the tower stairs; he was baffled by that too.

At first he thought he was alone in the small stone room, but then the moon shifted from behind the clouds and he saw a form sitting on the window ledge. He shut the door behind him and the figure moved.

"You came," it said.

Kanda nodded. The person moved towards him and Kanda was struck by how attractive Rabi looked in the moonlight. He felt himself shake a little, but had no idea why, so he scowled.

"Don't make that kind of a face now." Rabi's voice was soft, "I can tell certain things about a person just by looking. Do you know what I can tell about you?"

Kanda shook his head.

"You're sexually repressed."

In a flash Kanda had unsheathed Mugen and had the tip to Rabi's throat. "I'M WHAT?"

Rabi carefully pulled the blade out from under his chin. "Hey relax, I said I'd fix it, didn't I?" Then his voice dropped down an octave, and he quietly commanded, "Now put the sword down."

Something about Rabi's voice made it impossible to resist, and Mugen clattered to the ground.

"That's it..." Rabi mumbled as his hands reached out to take Kanda's. He kissed the knuckles on each then his lips fluttered over Kanda's cheek.

"We'll take it slow," he whispered.

Kanda stood completely motionless. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he also wasn't sure that he wanted it to stop. He wasn't sure of a lot of things where Rabi was concerned. So he stayed still and let Rabi wrap his arms around him, and pull him close.

Rabi just held him until the stiffness dropped out of Kanda's shoulders. Then he kissed him. It was soft yet firm, patient but commanding. Kanda's eyes were wide open until he squeezed them shut and kissed back. Rabi's hands were steady on his lower back and Kanda felt a series of weird sensations buzzing through his insides. He didn't know how long they kissed for, Kanda imagined days could be passing while he was in those arms. He didn't care.

Rabi's lips moved down his neck. Clothes began to fall away, but Kanda only stood still, his head tipped back and mouth open while his breathing began to pick up in pace. Rabi laid him down bare-chested on a pile of blankets and kissed down his torso, as if to memorise every part of him with his lips. When Rabi reached his naval and licked it, pushing his tongue into that little indentation, Kanda's pelvis shot up out of his control and he groaned.

Rabi chuckled and continued kissing downwards. Kanda became conscious to the fact that he was sweating as much as when he trained, but when his zipper was pulled down and his trousers pushed away, his thoughts turned only to what Rabi was doing.

He hadn't realised how stiff his cock had gotten until it was in Rabi's hand. Kanda had always reigned in his sexual desires to the point he hadn't even known he had any anymore. He'd previously ignored any strange stirrings in that part of his anatomy, never encouraging hardness there, always letting it fade away on its own. But now slowly being stroked, Rabi's mouth gently kissing around its head. Kanda marvelled in how i good /i it felt. His spine arched forward as Rabi's tongue lapped down the underside. He panted, revelling in the pleasure, until he felt a slick digit probe inside his anus.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" He yelled at Rabi while he scooted away from the other boy.

Rabi's one eye blinked at him. "Ah well...it will feel good, I promise."

Kanda's eyes were wide in disbelief. "There is no way you putting anything up my ass is going to feel good!"

Rabi just smiled and leaned back on his elbow, he easily slid two of his fingers into himself and hummed slightly as he moved them, a look of easy ecstasy on his face. Kanda swallowed, feeling even more aroused as he watched Rabi, noticing for the first time how hard and red the others' cock was. He frowned then angrily ground out, "I can take anything you can, Bookman."

Rabi opened his eye and gave a knowing grin. The look of victory on Rabi's face made Kanda feel that he'd just been played, but before he could think on it too much Rabi was kissing him again.

"I think it'll be easier if you're on all fours," Rabi told him.

Kanda raised an eyebrow, but turned over with out a word. Rabi ran his tongue over Kanda's entrance, which did feel nice but he gritted his teeth as a finger pushed inside him. When the second came and the stretch felt like too much he was about to kick Rabi in the head when Rabi brushed against something inside of him and his knees gave out.

He laid limply on his stomach as Rabi muttered, "Well that won't work." Rabi gently turned him over and draped Kanda's legs across his shoulders. "We'll try it this way."

Soon Rabi's fingers were back on that spot and Kanda was making noises that he'd never made before in his life. If he hadn't been so distracted by the delicious sensation traveling through him, he'd have been horrified. When Rabi's fingers left him Kanda made a sound of annoyance, until Rabi pushed his readied cock into their place, and Kanda made an even louder sound of annoyance.

Rabi stayed still, looking at the twisted grimace on Kanda's face, he kissed the boy beneath him gently until Kanda relaxed. Then he moved. The pace was steady, and soon Kanda forgot about any discomfort as he began moaning again. Soon all he saw was blinding white against his eyelids as Rabi stroked him and continued to thrust into him.

With a scream that probably awakened half of the order, Kanda came. Rabi followed soon after, and Kanda frowned slightly as the wetness flooded inside of him. He would have complained about it, but found he didn't have the energy, he just winced slightly as Rabi pulled out and let himself be spooned against.

"So?" Rabi asked a little too cheerful for Kanda's liking.

"What?" He answered back tiredly.

"How was it?"

"Good." Kanda mumbled, barely audible.

He felt Rabi's smile press into the back of his neck. He was about to fade into the darkness of sleep when heard Rabi's voice again. Another annoying question.

"What's your full name, Kanda-san?"

It seemed much easier just to answer, because maybe then Rabi would just shut up and let him sleep.

"Yuu Kanda." He answered, tiredness filling his voice.

"Yuu..." Rabi repeated to himself. "Goodnight Yuu-chan!" Rabi sang happily into his ear.

"But don't use it..." Kanda murmured before completely dropping off, fast asleep.

When he woke the sun was barely peaking out over the nearby mountains and Rabi was no longer beside him. Instead the other Exorcist was humming to himself as he dressed. He noticed Kanda was awake and beamed at him, "Good morning, Yuu-chan!"

"Don't call me that." Kanda growled, but Rabi just continued to smile at him.

"I'm leaving in a few hours with the old Panda." He said.

Kanda's frown deepened.

"Bad timing, huh?"

Kanda just looked away.

"I'll be back soon though," he whispered as he knelt next to Kanda, then kissed him on the cheek. Kanda turned back to face him and grabbed onto his sleeve.

"Write to me?" He asked very quietly.

"Sure," Rabi grinned, "but you'd better write to me too." Kanda nodded then leaned up to kiss Rabi very softly on the lips. Rabi's eyes twinkled as Kanda pulled away. "Goodbye Yuu-chan," Rabi sing-songed, then moved away quickly enough to avoid Kanda's punch.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT NAME!" Rabi just blew him a kiss as he walked out the door. Kanda fumed silently, and then tried to stand up. Pain flared up his spine and down his legs. "RABI!" he screamed, "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Rabi just sped up his descent on the stairs, whistling merrily to himself.

It wasn't until after they'd been on the ship a few days and Allen decided to review Timcampi's footage, that he'd realised the whole show he'd witnessed in the brothel had been recorded by the gold golem. Allen sat on his cot with his back to the door and watched in horror as the scene replayed itself in miniature. He was still too shocked, wondering when this embarrassing encounter would stop haunting him, to notice the door open and his cabin mate standing behind him.

"Wow, is that me?" Rabi asked in slight awe.

Allen promptly dropped Timcampi and stared at Rabi wide eyed, his face scarlet.

Rabi winked then gave a coy smile. "If you wanted a replay I'd give you your own personal show anytime, i Allen /i ," he intoned huskily while pulling down on the zipper of his jacket.

"I didn't know it was recording!" Allen screamed.

Rabi didn't stop unzipping, but when Allen noticed he was wearing a shirt underneath he let out a sigh of relief.

"Stop playing perverted jokes on me." Allen's face went completely blank in his annoyance.

Rabi looked slightly affronted. "Now Sprout, I never told you to come see the girls with me. That's entirely your own fault."

"No, it's yours for using such horrible means!" Allen countered back.

"You'd be surprised how far those 'means' can get a person..." Rabi trailed off as he leaned against the door-frame.

"You do things like that often?" Allen eyes were wide in disgust.

"As often as I like," Rabi winked again.

Allen frowned, "You didn't do anything like that to book our passage on this ship, did you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." Rabi's grin was wide and smug.

"NO! I don't want to know anything about it!" Allen threw Timcampi at Rabi's head, then flopped into his cot and turned his back to him.

"Ow." Rabi said as the golden ball smacked his forehead. But things went silent for awhile, too silent for Rabi being in the room. Allen looked back to see Rabi watching the golem's video feed with a far too amused look on his face.

"DON'T WATCH THAT WHILE I'M IN THE ROOM!" Allen threw his boot and Rabi scampered, Tim still clutched in his fist.

Despite himself and his dislike of Rabi's methods, Allen couldn't get the images of Rabi in the brothel out of his mind. He couldn't stop thinking of how Rabi might've paid the ship's crew for their passage. It made him feel sick, but what was worse was the other things it made him feel; things that were too uncouth to speak of, things which Allen berated himself for even thinking about.

Even though Cross had been his master for a long time, Allen had never accompanied him to places of that kind of debauchery and Cross had never talked about it. He'd grown up holding to Mana's sense of old-fashioned decency. A sense which had never been in so much danger as it was now.

But Allen was strong. By the time they'd reached the Sinai Canal he'd managed to drive back those thoughts and return to the previous camaraderie between them. At least he thought they had. In reality it only put Allen's guard down and made him do careless things, like ask Rabi to play cards with him.

Allen realised his mistake after winning the first hand and Rabi took off his shirt. The sight of the man's bare toned chest flooded Allen's mind with thoughts and feelings he'd locked away. Blushing, Allen dealt the next hand without looking at Rabi. The rest of the game was played that way, Allen winning hand after hand, and Rabi losing an article of clothing after each round while Allen's head stayed down.

Until Rabi declared, "I'm out," and dropped his underwear on the floor. Allen hadn't even realised they'd played long enough for Rabi to be that far down. He gulped, trying not to look at the naked man lounging in front of him.

"I guess I won then..."

"You sure did, Beansprout. But what are you going to do with your winnings?"

"Do?" Allen asked confused.

"You've gone and got me all naked, planning to do something with me now?"

"No!" Allen squeaked.

"Not anything?" Rabi asked again.

"No." Allen said more forcefully, and leapt for the door.

But Rabi was just as fast, and stood behind Allen, his hand covering Allen's on the door knob.

"You sure about that?" Rabi whispered softly against the shell of Allen's ear.

Allen looked back at Rabi, saw a smouldering force brewing in the one green eye, and closed his own eyes. He took a deep breath. He had two choices, run or...or.

He threw Victorian morality out the window as he wrapped his arms around Rabi's neck and kissed him clumsily. Rabi's more experienced lips moved against his, showing him what to do. Allen picked up on Rabi's teaching quickly, his kisses growing in confidence. When Rabi's tongue prodded against Allen's lips, Allen easily let him in.

Soon all four hands where hurriedly working on the closures of Allen's clothes, never breaking their heated kiss. He could feel Rabi's cock hard against his hip as his shirt went flying. The other man's state of arousal didn't unnerve him at all, he wanted nothing more than for Rabi to do the same thing to him as he'd done to that prostitute. When his trousers and pants hit the floor Allen backed toward his cot. He'd dropped into it pulling Rabi on top of him.

"Well you're a real spitfire, aren't ya?" Rabi said, pulling back slightly. "Maybe we should go a little slower..."

"Shut up already," Allen mumbled as he tried to pull Rabi's head back to his.

"You are kind of young," Rabi said softly, as if rethinking the entire thing.

"Younger than you were when you lost your virginity?"

"No," Rabi answered, all the typical humour gone from his face.

They didn't talk again until it was over.

Rabi kept Allen's new found passion in check enough to keep it gentle for the boy. Throughout the act he was continually surprised at how willing Allen was to try things. After discovering how much he liked Rabi's mouth on his cock, he flipped them over to insist doing the same. When it came to penetration he was also surprised at how little fuss Allen made over it. He didn't even wince, just moaned loudly as Rabi slid into him.

With the way Allen responded, it was the first time he'd been on top that he'd felt he was truly giving something to someone else instead of just taking it away.

The one unsurprising thing was that it didn't last long. Allen smiled like a well fed kitten when it was done, curling up against Rabi's side with a contented purr like hum. Rabi found he couldn't stifle back a small chuckle.

"What? Don't laugh at me," Allen pouted.

"Nothing, nothing," Rabi murmured and held Allen close. A strange warmth filled his chest as they drifted off to sleep together.

For the rest of the journey to China, Allen and Rabi continued their secret (but not really) affair.

The Bookman realised it almost immediately. He'd come across Allen limping slightly one morning, Rabi by his side, and offered some acupuncture for stiff joints. Allen refused too readily, and Rabi looked too amused. The Bookman frowned, locked eyes with his apprentice, then sighed. But he never said anything. Rabi took not getting kicked in the face as all the permission he needed.

They weren't ever sure if Crowley caught on to what they were doing, but whenever he'd come across them together in the corridors he'd blush and leave them quickly, stammering.

Linali, however, remained blissfully ignorant. One morning over breakfast she remarked, "I'll be glad when we get off this boat. Those cots are terrible to sleep on. Poor Allen limps all the time."

Bookman grimaced, Crowley choked on his tea, Rabi stifled back his laughter, and Allen buried his face in his arms, cheeks flaming. Linali rubbed his shoulder affectionately, "It's alright Allen," she said smiling. "We'll have real bed's again soon."

As far as they knew, she never figured it out.

There was one time after having sex that Allen asked Rabi, "So which i do /i you prefer, men or women?"

"Hm..." Rabi turned over what to say as he ran his fingers through Allen's hair. "Well, women are the best to look at, and I think breasts are fantastic. But with men I can come inside, so I'd say men." Rabi nuzzled against Allen's shoulder, then gave it a small bite.

"Why can't you come inside women?" Allen said with a giggle.

"Don't want to get them pregnant." Rabi replied frankly.

"That's thoughtful..." Allen murmured against Rabi's lips, then kissed him.

Rabi didn't bother stopping the kiss to tell Allen it wasn't for the women's sake; that it was because he just couldn't bear the idea of being responsible for the life of another contemptible human being.

The first time Linali ever spoke to Rabi she awoke to find him sitting at her bedside, studying her carefully.

Her bandaged wrists were lashed to the bedposts. She questioned fearfully, "Who are you?"

But his smile was kind, "I'm here as a historian, to chronicle the happenings of the Black Order."

"Are you going to write about me?" she asked softly.

"Maybe," he replied. "But there really isn't much to say. Just a line or two would cover you."

"I'm more than just ink on paper!" she yelled angrily, trying to sit up.

"Not if you die now. Then you're just another of the Order's failed experiments. But if you stay in the world, maybe you can change it."

Linali stared at him as he walked away, her eyes wide and full of tears. Soon after, Komui arrived and she was taken off suicide watch. When Linali saw Rabi again he didn't mention their earlier meeting. But neither of them had forgotten it.

The error was made long before he opened his mouth, though he couldn't say exactly when. Some time during that long ocean journey Allen had gotten under his skin. He wouldn't quite call the boy a comrade, he wouldn't even call him a lover--though perhaps he was both. But not knowing how to define his relationship with Allen Walker didn't change the fact that it had ruined him; stolen his impartiality and made him speak out of line.

Rabi hadn't just been taken in by the war, he'd been taken in by Allen. That soft mouth with its carefree smile, eager pliant body that loved his touch...

But a Bookman has no need for a heart.

"Allen is not my ally, they are not my allies. My goal is not theirs, I am only here by chance," he told himself while leaning against the ship's railing. Staring at the Ace of Spades, he tried to convince himself that sex with Allen was still only sex and that it hadn't meant a thing to him at all, no more than with anyone else. He lowered his chin to his arms, deep in thought, and didn't notice the attack coming.

It was only another sign of his failure.

Miranda asks him if he's human, and he can't answer because it's the first time he thinks he might be. It's a horrible idea, to be human.

He pushes the idea out of his mind to only focus on his current goal: saving Lenali.

He doesn't think about why he's saving her, except that it's what Allen would do. That Allen won't ever forgive him if he left her to die in the middle of the ocean.

He doesn't think about why what Allen would want is important here, it just brings up too many other questions. He only knows that it is, and goes.

It's not a happy reunion, and Rabi isn't quite sure why Kanda is so pissed off--not that Kanda has ever acted i happy /i to see him, but he normally isn't quite so hostile. And while Kanda always objects to being called Yuu, he doesn't usually offer Rabi such a violent repercussion for using the endearment.

Rabi wonders over this, what does Kanda have to be angry at him for? The last time they saw each other they had remarkably great sex twice...and then he told Kanda that he did not, hadn't ever, and wouldn't ever, love him. Oh...that made sense then--but to be so angry over it... Rabi supposes he'll have to fix that.

He isn't well received.

While everyone was having their wounds attended to and Linali was still out cold, Allen thought he might get a moment alone with Rabi--but he didn't see the man anywhere.

He slipped passed the others, out of their make shift shelter in the tunnel, and into a neighbouring one. He saw two figures there in the low light. He knew who they were, and he could tell they were arguing. He faintly heard the hiss of harsh whispers but couldn't make out what they were saying.

When Rabi dropped to his knees, and his shaking hands went for Kanda's fly, Allen had the propriety to turn around and walk out of the tunnel.

"Yuu," he says. "Talk to me?"

"I don't have anything to say to you. And stop using my name! How many times do I have to fucking say that?"

"Are you mad about what I said back in..."

"I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Then why..." He tries to step closer, to take Kanda's hand.

But Kanda pulls away. "Do I really need a reason to hate you?"

"Do you hate me?"

"Who wouldn't--you promiscuous waste of Innocence!"

"I never meant to hurt you."

"Who says you did? And what's with the act--this caring shit?"

"I've always cared about you..."

"Liar. You only ever cared about getting into my pants or mission details. You never cared about me."

"I care now." Rabi steps forward again as Kanda frowns, thinking. Rabi gets his arms around Kanda this time, he leans down to kiss him, hoping it will somehow fix things. Kanda lets him at first, but Rabi's kiss is too sweet and gentle and desperate. Kanda slaps him, hard.

"Don't you dare kiss me like you mean it, you bastard!"

Rabi doesn't know what to say. He simply looks at Kanda, his expression blank.

"In fact don't kiss me again, ever, you lying whore. Your mouth is only good for two things: lying and sucking cock. I don't trust you to do anything else with it."

Rabi winces. "Is that what you want?"

"What?"

"Cock sucking..."

"Is sex all you think about?"

"You brought it up!"

"Fine. Suck my cock Rabi. Get one last taste, then don't ever touch me again."

Rabi says nothing, only falls to his knees. He knows it's no good arguing with Kanda when he's this angry. His hands shake as he undoes Kanda's pants and pulls out his slightly-stiffened penis. He doesn't know why he feels so nervous, like the world could end right here. He feels tears prickling at the back of his eyes, but pushes away the sensation and gets to work.

His touches are tentative, overly careful, and unsure. He's never been this hesitant with sex before, if Kanda notices the difference he doesn't say anything.

He licks him slowly, then takes only the head into his mouth and gives it a suck. But this isn't how Kanda wants it. He growls and grabs a handful of Rabi's red locks, tilting his head, then thrusts deep. Rabi chokes and tries desperately to breathe through his nose as he deep throats Kanda.

Kanda has a tight clutch on Rabi's hair as he moves, forcing Rabi to keep his rhythm. Luckily, he comes quickly. Rabi tries to swallow, but ends up retching the semen into the dirt. Kanda watches him coldly.

Rabi takes a series of shuddery breaths and wipes his mouth. When he stands he mumbles, "Yuu..." in a begging tone that threatens Kanda's bearings. But Kanda stays unmoved. He's resolved himself, he's only walking forward now, unhindered. He'll clear his mind of all of this.

His determination is clear on his face. Rabi lowers his gaze, and turns to go. Somehow he's lost Kanda, the strange thing is he didn't even know he wanted to keep him until this moment.

As he walks away, he sees a figure standing at the tunnel's entrance, their back facing him.

"Allen," he says.

Allen smiles at him and takes his hand, "Come sit with me until Linali wakes up." He brushes a soft kiss over Rabi's lips and whispers, "Thank you for looking after her."

Rabi nods and smiles back. As Allen leads him away, he feels Kanda's stare harsh on his back but doesn't care. With Allen beaming up at him, their hands intertwined, everything has become right in the world again.

When they leave Kanda behind, Rabi has no illusions of his survival. "I'll write something nice about him," he thinks, and then is grateful for that last kiss.

He'd always hated humans. Hated their weakness, their ability to turn to war so easily. Being a Bookman put him above that; it was easy to pass judgement when watching from the sidelines.

Was it becoming a soldier that changed him? Fighting along side others?

No, the answer is simpler than that.

He can't hate what he's fallen in love with.

He would sacrifice his life to protect them now. That life that before he protected above all else, for one cannot write records if one is dead.

It doesn't even occur to him to escape without the others. He will stand his ground and fight with them until the end.

As death seems imminent and and he falls into nothing, his innocence shattered, he regrets his failure--his failure to save them, to save Allen.

He regrets something else too. "Yuu..." he thinks, "there are things I wish I could tell you now..."

He's too far away to hear Allen screaming.

FIN

8-26-07

Notes cont.:

I have this problem of being totally unoriginal with titles and taking them from songs. Forgive me. This one comes from Blaqk Audio's song i The Fear of Being Found /i . Lyrics/MP4 upon request.

I used my preferred romanization of names, I hope this didn't bother anyone too terribly.

I also have this problem where I mix British grammar and spellings with American ones into something that's neither...and odd, sorry. My poor Beta...

This will be a multi-parter (or at least 2), eventually...but for now it is finished. When the manga is farther along and I resolve another plot idea, I'll start up again. Hopefully.

Section 2: I trust that everyone was clever enough to realise this part flashes back to just after Allen's first mission, this it what Kanda rushed away so quickly for.

Section 3: I hope no one really hates the depiction of Rabi as a man-whore. It seems plausible to me...

Section 5: I don't think that Rinali is too dumb to figure out what is going on, just too sheltered and naive; Komui has tried hard to keep her pure.

Section 7: Yes, I changed tense in between bits here. There's a reason for that, promise.

Section 9: This ended up being much shorter then I expected it to be, especially since some of the other sections ended up being so long, but I think it said everything I meant it too. I originally intended it to end at chapter 125, but modified it while being beta'd to fit with the current chapter--129. It made a for a stronger ending.

Comments, questions, con crit: all greatly appreciated!