Hi everyone.

This is going to be a collection of short stories from the Narutoverse. For the most part they'll be one-shots, mostly humorous, although if I find a theme I enjoy I might post multiple stories following it.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction based off the Naruto universe. While the stories are mine the world and characters are borrowed from it.

A C-ranked Mission

"Ai, old man!" Naruto shouted, stomping around in an angry circle. He abruptly stopped and pointed angrily at the Hokage. "Another D-ranked mission? The last one you gave us had us picking up litter on Training Grounds 3, and the one before that was delivering groceries to the honored elders of the village! I'm a ninja, I should be doing ninja missions!"

Sarutobi sighed and put his hand over his eyes. Around them the bustle of his staff giving out missions to the ninja teams had halted as everyone watched this spectacle. "It's been almost three months since your team formed, Kakashi," he said wearily. "Have you still not explained the ranking system by which missions are given?"

Hatake Kakashi's face was red with mortification, and he'd hunched his shoulders and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. "I didn't think I needed to, Hokage-sama. The ranking system is one of the first things learned at the Konoha Ninja Academy."

"Oi!" Naruto cut in, stalking right up to the paperwork-strewn table Sarutobi sat behind and slamming his hands down to lean as far as he could over it. "What's it going to be this time, rescuing a cat out of a tree? I don't need to know the ranking system to know it stinks!"

With some effort of will Sarutobi ignored the young genin literally in his face and kept his stare on Kakashi, who'd huddled even deeper into himself. On the one hand it was amusing to see the usually unflappable Copycat Ninja so out of sorts. On the other hand things were hectic enough this morning without his favorite genin making a scene. He had more than a little fondness for Naruto, and he felt bad about the life the boy had been forced to live, but it didn't excuse him for this sort of behavior.

At the same time...

"Very well," he said, finally turning his gaze to the angry genin. "I believe we can upgrade your mission to one that's C-ranked level."

"All right!" Naruto shouted, pumping a fist into the air in victory. He leaned forward again, excited instead of angry this time. "Come on then, old man, tell me what it is!"

Sarutobi smiled. "Your new mission is..."

. . . . .

"Stupidest mission ever," Naruto grumbled, kicking at a rock in the road as they waited for Kakashi-sensei to finally arrive. Late as usual, and that didn't help his mood.

Sasuke and Sakura, on the other hand, seemed fairly content with the mission they'd been given. Which is to say neither of them was complaining about it. "At least we get to leave the village," Sasuke said, sounding like he didn't care one way or the other.

Naruto whirled and pointed at him angrily. "This is as bad as babysitting cats!" he shouted. "Escorting an old lady to the Tumayira shrine? That path has the most traffic out of any road leading out of the village, and ANBU guard it closely to protect the pilgrims! This "mission" is as dangerous as getting out of bed in the morning."

He hadn't been paying attention to Sakura, unfortunately, which gave the kunoichi the chance to sneak up behind him and wallop him upside the head. "Quit complaining, Naruto," she said. "Even if it's not dangerous the shrine is still an entire day's walk away from the village!" And it's right next to the Tumayira Spa and Hot Springs, she thought to herself.

Naruto subsided, rubbing his head angrily as he sulked by the gates. "Escorting a hobbling old lady," he muttered. "We'll be getting passed by Academy classes on field trips to the shrine." He abruptly turned around. "I forgot something!" he called as he ran back through the gates towards his house. "If I don't get back before Sensei arrives wait for me!"

A couple minutes later Kakashi finally arrived, rubbing the back of his head in sheepish apology. For once he wasn't reading a book, and the tacky romance novel he was so into was nowhere to be seen on his person. "Sorry I'm late," he said. He looked around, frowning with annoyance. "Where's Naruto?"

"Oi," Naruto called, sprinting through the gates but not looking the least bit tired. That was nothing new. "Sorry."

Kakashi shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Let's go pick up Miazi-sama and begin our trip."

. . . . .

The "hobbling old lady" they'd been assigned to escort was actually a formidable, healthy woman with salt-and-pepper hair tied up in a tight bun. She had a no-nonsense approach to pilgrimage as well.

"Quit dawdling!" she snapped over her shoulder at her guards as she continued down the road, walking so quickly she was almost jogging. "Lands sakes, what are they doing in that Academy that young people can't even keep up with a fogey like me?"

Sasuke groaned quietly. "Fogey? She hasn't taken a break in nearly four hours. I haven't worked this hard since the genin physicals."

Sakura sped up to jog alongside her, and with some more groaning and complaining Naruto and Sasuke sped up to keep pace. Kakashi was ambling along a short distance ahead, looking as if he were out for a stroll.

They had almost caught up to their elderly charge when a rustle in the trees drew Sasuke up short. Before he could shout out a warning two ragged bandits dropped into the road between where Sakura was walking with Miazi-sama and where Sasuke and Naruto stood.

"We'll take your money, granny," the more disreputable one said with a sneer. "Your money too, kids, if you have any."

Naruto took a step back into a defensive posture. "Take them, Sasuke!" he shouted. "I'll guard your back."

Sasuke was so surprised that he actually turned his back on his enemies to stare at his teammate. In all the time he'd known Naruto he had never, ever seen the reckless blond hold back in an engagement. Usually as soon as Naruto saw there was a threat he charged in: it was either a miracle or a benefit of the easy missions they'd been on that the genin wasn't dead yet.

"You'll get my back?" he repeated incredulously.

Naruto turned a bit red and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "You've got this. These guys are sissies."

"Hey!" one of the bandits shouted. "What are you guys doing ignoring us?"

Deeply suspicious, Sasuke stared at his teammate narrowly. Neither of them saw Sakura, who suddenly appeared beside Naruto. "Quit being such a coward, idiot!" she yelled, slugging him right in the face so hard that he flew backwards and landed on his rump in the dirt.

"Hey!" Naruto shouted, rubbing his nose. "What in the world was that f-" midword he disappeared in a cloud of smoke with a soft popping sound.

"I knew it!" Sasuke shouted. "That lazy jerk used a shadow clone to get out of this easy mission! He's probably back in the village sleeping in right now!"

"I said don't ignore us!" the bandit shouted, drawing a wicked knife and lunging for Sasuke's back. Before he'd gone half the distance he found his knife hand held in a vice grip by Kakashi, who still stood as relaxed as ever. The jonin had appeared out of nowhere.

"What are you doing, Sasuke?" he demanded. "Turning your back on an enemy?"

"They're not a threat, Sensei," Sasuke protested. "Besides, you saw that. Naruto's using a shadow clone to-"

"Enough." Kakashi uncoiled, his free hand coming up in a solid blow that caught the bandit right in the chin and sent him flying backwards, completely limp. The jonin moved in a whirl, catching the other bandit and forcing him to the ground in a tight hold. Within a few more minutes they had both the would-be bandits tied up.

"I'm afraid we'll have to cut this pilgrimage short, Miazi-sama," Kakashi said apologetically. "We have to take these two back to Konoha for judgment, and find out how they got past the ANBU patrolling this area."

The old lady sniffed. "Fine. You all make worthless bodyguards anyway. The girl was right next to me, and instead of protecting me she goes over and hits a teammate, leaving me vulnerable to these bandits."

"Oh they'll learn their lesson," Kakashi said ominously, turning to his two genin, who gulped. "All of them will learn their lesson," he amended when Sasuke opened his mouth to protest. As the old lady hobbled away he pointed at the two bandits. "Sasuke, you'll carry that one. Sakura, you'll carry the other."

"What?" Sakura exclaimed. "I can't carry one of them all by myself! They weigh twice as much as me!"

Sasuke had been about to voice the same complaint but now he paused. Making them carry the two bandits by themselves seemed like a good punishment, but at the same time it seemed odd that Kakashi would have them waste so much time doing it themselves when he'd want to get these two bandits back to the village. He looked over his sensei again, closer this time. "Kakashi-sensei, where's your book?" he asked.

Kakashi blinked at him with his one uncovered eye. "Oh? Ah, I must have forgotten it."

"I see." Sasuke stiffened and pointed into the trees behind his sensei. "Sensei, more bandits!" he shouted. Kakashi whirled around, and while his back was turned Sasuke lunged forward and drove a kunai into his back.

Kakashi fell forward onto his face and was still for an eternity. Then he slowly pushed up onto his hands and coughed twice. "Sasuke, what-" he began. Sakura was staring at them both in horror. Kakashi got one knee under him and started to stand, and Sasuke took a step back.

"K-kakashi-sensei," he began. "I, I thought..." As their sensei slowly turned he abruptly shuddered, folded over, and fell to the ground. Then he exploded into a cloud of smoke with a loud pop. "I thought right!" Sasuke shouted. "I can't believe this. His job is to protect us, and he sends a shadow clone!"

Sakura's face, pale with fright and shock, had gone red with rage. She was going to miss the hot springs for this? "I'm going to kill them!"

. . . . .

"They're going to kill us," Naruto said, taking another big helping of Ichiraku's ramen.

Kakashi laughed with embarrassment and rubbed the back of his head. "Well I really wanted to finish Kunai and Kisses. I only had a few chapters left."

Naruto spoke around a huge mouthful of ramen. "If I ever beat you, sensei, it's going to be because you do something stupid about those books."

Kakashi laughed more easily and filled his own mouth with ramen. "Don't get your hopes up, kid."