(Based off a certain episode of Spongebob. Hope you enjoy!)
(Scene: Soldier 76's office)
(Soldier 76 is in his office playing his recorder. It sounds just awful.)
Overwatch Agent: (knocks on door) Um, excuse me, but is there a wounded animal in there?
Soldier 76: No! (Slams door) Stupid critic. (Phone rings, picks up phone) Hello. You've reached unrecognized talent. Leave a message after the-(blows recorder into the phone)
Reaper: (from the other end of the line) Sounds like you have a wounded animal to tend to, eh pal?
Soldier 76: (Upon recognizing voice, he groans) What do you want, Gabriel?
Reaper: (from other end of line) Oh, I'm just calling to brag about my Talon Band. We sold out the past three shows AND we're going to play the Blizzard Bowl next week.
Soldier 76: The blih-blih-blih! The Blizzard Bowl?!
Reaper: Yep. I'm living out your dreams. Unfortunately, I'm busy that day, so my band and I can't make it. So, I was hoping that your band could perform instead.
Soldier 76: (nervous) Um...well...
Reaper: Hah! I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well then, I'll hang up and find someone who does.
Soldier 76: (angry) Hold it! It just so happens that I DO have a band and WE WILL play at Blizzard Bowl! How do you like that, Mr. Edgy?
Reaper: Good luck with that next Tuesday! But after hearing your band, the audience will need more than a health pack to recover. (Snickers, hangs up phone)
Soldier 76: (gulps; to himself) I'm gonna need to drum up a marching band fast! (Chuckles) Heh, drum. Band humor.
(Cuts to multiple agents reading a flyer that Jack posted throughout the building)
McCree: (reading flyer while at the practice range) Looking for a purpose for your dull meaningless life?
Roadhog: (reading flyer while polishing scrap gun) Then come be a part of the greatest band that ever lived.
Mei: (reading while in the mess hall) And be adored by thousands of people who you don't know.
Winston: (reading while on toilet) Not to mention, free food!
Zarya: (reading while showering) Practice begins tonight at 8:30 sharp.
(Cuts to later that night, where Jack is riding to the practice hall he rented out with a plethora of instruments he rented in his car. He looks down at his watch, which reads 8:35)
Soldier 76: (to himself) Stupid rental guy made me late! That moron wouldn't know the difference between an oboe and an elbow! (Chuckles) Heh. More band humor.
(Cuts to inside, where the everyone is sitting in chairs and talking to each other. Jack goes to the front of the room )
Soldier 76: Ok, everyone! Shut up! (Everyone quiets down) Good. Now, how many of you have played an instrument before?
Roadhog : (raises hand) Do instruments of torture count?
Soldier 76: (disturbed) Uh...no.
Junkrat: (Raises hand) Is dynamite an instrument?
Soldier 76: (Sighs) No, Jamison. Dynamite isn't an instrument. (Junkrat raises hand again) And a loot box isn't an instrument either! (Junkrat lowers hand) That's fine, none of you have experience. Luckily, I have enough talent for all of you! (Laughs. Continues to laugh until he realizes that no one else is laughing)
Winston: (calls out) When do we get the free food?!
Soldier 76: (ignores him) Ok, now repeat after me! (Plays six notes on recorder) Brass section, go! (Mercy, , Mei, Lucio, Pharah, McCree and Reinhardt play their instruments) Now, the wind section! (Genji, Hanzo, Tracer, Ana, Winston, Torbjörn and Brigitte repeat the notes) And the the drum section! (Junkrat, Zarya, Roadhog and Orisa misinterpret his directions and try to blow on the sticks, resulting in the sticks being launched and pinning Jack to the wall; with a sigh) Too bad that didn't kill me.
(Cuts to later in practice)
Soldier 76: Let's just try stepping in rhythm! Now, I want everyone to get up and stand in straight rows of five.
Tracer: Is this where we all start kicking?
Soldier 76: No, Lena, you're thinking of a chorus line.
Junkrat: Kicking? I want to do some kicking! (Turns to McCree and kicks him in the shins)
McCree: Oww! Why I oughta- (Jesse chases Junkrat outside, where one can hear a bunch of crashing, then a long scream from Junkrat. Everyone's eyes are widened)
Junkrat: (sticks head out of door) Whoever owns the blue sedan, you left your lights on. (Steps out, where we can see that a trumpet has been wrapped around his throat. He calmly walks back to his seat. When he sits down, he emits a honk)
(Day Two)
(The band is marching down the street, all playing their instruments. In front of them, Bastion and Orisa are twirling flags)
Soldier 76: (conducting the band as they all march) Guys, really twirl those flags! (Bastion and Orisa start to twirl the flags faster) Orisa! Bastion! If you don't spin faster, I'll send you to the scrap yard, damnit! (Bastion and Orisa spin the flags so fast, they become airborne. They fly up and crash into a nearby billboard and explode. Everyone gasps. Zarya plays "Taps" on the trumpet while everyone bows their heads in respect. Meanwhile, Jack lies on the floor and curls himself into a ball.)
(Day three)
(Everyone is back in the practice center)
Soldier 76: Ok, everyone, this is our last night of rehearsal before the show. And I know we haven't improved much since we began. (Everyone looks at Bastion, who has his head stuck in a tuba.) But, I have a theory! People talk loudly when they want to act smart, right?
Junkrat: (shouting) CORRECT!
Soldier 76: So, if we play extremely loudly, people might think we're good! Everyone ready? (Everyone picks up their instruments) And-a-one, two, three four! (The ensuing noise from the band causes all the windows in the practice hall to shatter. Jack is even knocked to the floor from the sound blast; picks himself up) Okay, new theory: maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.
Torbjörn: Well, maybe we wouldn't so bad if (turns to Winston) SOME PEOPLE didn't try playing with big hairy hands!
Winston: (pokes Torbjörn in the chest) What did you say, shorty?
Torbjörn: Big! Hairy! Hands!
Winston: Well, these hands aren't just for mixing chemicals together!
Torbjörn: Bring it on, ape man! Bring it on!
Tracer: (stepping between the two of them) No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Ana: Oh, so now Miss Fish-n'-chips is gonna preach to us?! (Everyone starts to argue with one another)
Soldier 76: (shouting over the crowd) Guys! Wait! I know tensions are high, but-(everyone starts brawling with one another. Ana and Lucio are arguing with each other. Reinhardt sneaks up behind and bashes Lucio over the head with a drum mallet) There's a deposit on that equipment! (Winston and Torbjörn charge towards each other with flutes, only to be smashed together with a pair of cymbals by Mei.) Settle down, please! (McCree knocks a tuba out of Roadhog's hands and kicks him in the groin. Junkrat comes up to McCree and kicks him in the leg. McCree grabs a trumpet and chases Junkrat with it. Everyone continues to brawl until the clock hits 10. Everyone stops.)
Genji: Hey! Practice is over. (Everyone cheers. Everyone turns to leave, only for Jack to be in front of the door)
Soldier 76: Well, you did it. You took my chance of happiness and you crushed it. Crushed it into tiny, bite-sized pieces. I truly expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for thinking that! Don't bother showing up tomorrow! I'll just say that you all died in a marching accident. So thanks! Thanks for nothing! (Walks out the door sadly)
Junkrat: (smiling) You're welcome.
Tracer: What kind of monsters are we?! That poor man turned to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Jack has always been there for us when it was convenient for him! (Turns to Brigitte) Brigitte! When your cats got trapped in that fire, who rescued them?
Brigitte: A fireman.
Tracer: And Zarya! When your heart gave out from all those protein shakes you drank, who revived you?
Zarya: Some guy in the infirmary.
Tracer: Right! So if we pretended that Jack was a fireman or some guy in the infirmary, then I'm sure that we pull together and discover what it truly means to be in a marching band!
Torbjörn: Yea, for the fireman! (Everyone cheers in agreement)
Tracer: Now let's make Jack proud! (Prepares to conduct everyone) A-one! A-two! A-skiddly-diddly-do!
(Cuts to the next day where Jack is entering the stadium)
Soldier 76: (forlorn) i knew that this would end badly. I guess they'll have to find another band. I just hope that-(Sees Gabriel, who gives him a smug wave; screaming in a panic) GABRIEL DOESN'T FIND OUT! GABRIEL! AGH! What are you doing here? I thought you were busy!
Reaper: (laughs smugly) I cleared my schedule just so I could watch you bomb! So, where's your band?
Jack: (nervously) Umm, they couldn't come. They...uh...died.
Reaper: Oh? Then (points behind Jack) who are they?
Soldier 76: (turns around and sees his band behind him; panicky) AGH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!
Tracer: (eagerly) We're ready to perform, Jack!
Reaper: Well, Jack, this is exactly how I pictured this band would look (points to Tracer, who's dancing around with her tongue out)
Soldier 76: Uh, that's her...eager face (sighs. He, the band and Gabriel go onto the platform that rises the band onto the stadium field)
Soldier 76: (depressed) I guess this will be the last time I ever go out in public.
Tracer: (cheerfully) That's the spirit, Jack! (The platform rises up and brings the band into to the stadium)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Overwatch Superband! (crowd cheers)
Junkrat: (looking at crowd)These are some real ugly people.
Tracer: Maybe we're near one of those toxic waste dumps.
Winston: (reacting to a sign that reads, "Go Monkey Go") I'm not a monkey! I'm a scientist!
Soldier 76: (sighing deeply) Ok, everyone...(looks back at Gabriel, who's smirking at him)...let's get this over with. One...two three...(closes eyes and looks away, bracing for the worst. However, instead of a blast of horrible music, he hears a great-sounding trumpet piece from the brass section. Roadhog plays a great piano solo. He and everyone step to the side to reveal Tracer holding a microphone)Tracer: (singing with a manly voice)
The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill.
The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will.
(Junkrat plays a drum solo. Everyone in the band rocks out on their instrument)
Don't ever look back on the world closin' in.
Be on the attack with your wings on the wind.
Oh, the games will begin.
(Gabriel stares in shock, Jack gives him a smug grin and throws his baton away and uses his arms for conducting.)
Tracer: And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.
And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight!
(Gabriel clutches his chest, faints and gets carried away on a stretcher by two paramedics. Jack waves a smug goodbye to him and runs to the middle of the stage as pyrotechnics go off.)
Tracer: And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And the one who's last to fall. We will have sweet, sweet victory...
(Jack jumps in the air in utter glee)
The End