Disclaimer: Harry Potter and his world do not belong to me. No money is being made. No harm is intended.
Where Did I Go Wrong?
The sun is rising. Yet another night in this wretched house. Its deadness is drowning me. It comes in waves. One after another. They sweep me over and every time I am left struggling for air.
The woman at my side stirs in her sleep. She feels my unease. Not wishing to awake her, I get out of bed and make my way towards the kitchen. I pause at the door looking back. She is so beautiful. So frail. That image pierces my heart like an arrow.
Guilt. I know she can feel it too. Taste it. Smell it. I reek of it. Even while lying next to her I cannot shake off the image of the only man I have ever loved. The only man I have ever lost. No, not 'lost'. Abandoned. He is lurking behind the veil, waiting for the brave one to rescue him. No one will come.
Guilt. Echoing through my head. Begging to be silenced. Where did I go wrong? With both of them.
I pour myself a cup of coffee. Steam swirls and its smell reminds me of a morning much like this one. The same house, the same cursed house, the same kitchen, everything is the same. Except for the person I woke up next to. Instead of a woman there was a man. Instead of the long red hair my fingers were wrapped in the short black curls on the man's chest. Instead of her lilac scent my nostrils were filled with the sourness lingering after the fire-whiskey fumed sex.
I dig my fingers deep into my scull. Burning drops of anger and frustrations stream down my face and fall onto the floor. Where the hell did I go wrong? Rhetorical question, of course. No one can provide an answer but myself and I'm not sure whether strong enough to tackle it just yet.
Lilac surrounds me. I inhale deeply. Her arms embrace me and yet again I am at peace. Like an immediate anaesthetic. Wipes the pain away momentarily. And yet again I am able to function normally.
She walks around me and kneels before me, takes my face in her hands and lifts my chin. I can't look her in the eye. Remembering him seams like a betrayal now. They don't deserve this. Neither one of them.
Guilt. Like a bitter bite you know you have to swallow. And I do. Once more.
She kisses my forehead. Her lips are warm and gentle. Like a spring sun on the lake's shore back then when thing made more sense. All I had to do is bury my hands into his fur and close my eyes and I would be at peace. Her lips have the same effect, though not permanent.
I guess that's why I keep coming back for more. That's why I keep on with this charade. Day after day, night after night I'm looking for a way to silence those voices. And this is the only way I know how.
She takes my hand and leads me back to our bedroom. The same one he and I used to share. And voices are back again. Louder than ever. And I ask them Where did I go wrong.