My name is Kusuo Saiki.
For those of you who watch The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. this will all be old news, but I'm just you're average sixteen year old high schooler. At least, that's what I wish I could say, but the truth is that I possess awesome psychokinetic abilities that if left unchecked could destroy the entire world.
Telepathy, psychokinesis, pyrokinesis, teleportation, levitation; you name it, I have it. Most of you may think having this power is a blessing, but it's a curse! Forget movies and video games. One moment of telepathy and it's spoiled for me forever. On top of that, it brings me nothing but unwanted attention.
It's bad enough I can't get people to leave me alone when they don't know that I have powers. But if someone were to let my secret slip, I'd never get a moment to myself ever again. When I reached my house though, I encountered something strange. Something I couldn't foresee with all the power in the world.
As I opened the door, my parents were right where I expected them to be. My mother was cooking in the kitchen, while my father was stuck being useless with his gundam models. "Welcome home, Ku," my mother greeted cheerfully. "Your friends are all waiting for you upstairs."
What? But that was impossible! I should have sensed them long before I even got to my house. I reached out with my telepathy, but didn't find any voices I recognized specifically. Had my parents been mistaken?
No. Dad, maybe. But Mom tended to have a pretty good head on her shoulders. I charged up stairs, bursting into my room and praying that she was wrong...but my luck was even worse than I thought.
Sure enough there wasn't just one person, but six in my room. Nendo, I partially expected, but along with him were Kaidou, Teruhashi, Chiyo, and even Kuboyasu. However, the one who caught my focus was a kid I never met before.
"Oh, Saiki! Welcome home," Kaidou greeted. "This is Kamesa. He just transferred schools."
Oh look, another transfer student...and with my luck probably not the normal kind of person either. I said nothing, but decided to try to read him, only for a voice to echo in my head. *It's a pleasure to meet you, Kusuo.*
My eyes widened behind my glasses. Telepathy? Another psychic? *Who are you?* I demanded.
"Welcome back, Saiki," he said normally. "I'm Kamesa Ma. I hope you don't mind, but Kaidou spoke a lot about you and I just had to meet you in person. I figured you'd want to participate in our little game."
*Not a chance. Glad to know that Kaidou is the one to blame for this.*
"It'll be lots of fun." He opened a folder and slid me a piece of paper with the words "Character Sheet" printed at the top. "It's a table-top RPG. Lizards and Labyrinths. You ever heard of it?"
*Don't you think that's a little on the nose? Besides, this is fan fiction. Why not just call it what it is?* I pointed out.
"Come on, Saiki, please?" Teruhashi pleaded, giving me the cutest pout she could muster. Kokomi Teruhashi is what could only be described as the perfect girl. She's sweet, pretty, and talented, with an ego to match. Unfortunately, due to some accidental actions of my own, she'd grown to have an obsession with me.
If it'd been anyone else, her charms would have easily worked to get what she wanted, but to hell with that. *No. All of you get out, now.* Something was seriously wrong here. I still couldn't hear any of their thoughts. Was Kamesa causing some kind of psychic interference?
*If you're worried, don't be. Your secret is safe with me. I have a little power here in your world, but only to an extent. For now, I've shut off your telepathy specifically for this room. Your other powers as well. Only temporarily.*
*You can do that? Can you shut them off permanently?* I asked.
*Play and find out.*
I dropped my backpack onto the ground and immediately sank onto one of the cushions. If there was even a chance I could get a normal life out of this, I was in. As an added bonus, now Teruhashi thought she'd done the influencing.
"See, I told you he'd play," Kamesa told Kaidou. "I didn't even have to break out the secret weapon."
"I'm actually surprised," Kuboyasu noted, brushing a lock of purple hair from his eyes. "Saiki usually thinks he's too cool for stuff like this. I can't help but agree. What's the point of getting fake action when I can just go outside."
*Somehow, I think a basic street brawl would end differently for you than fighting a dragon in real life.* I noted. Though I was curious about his secret weapon, it'd have to wait. *Well, now what? Let's get this game over with.*
"Step one, guys. Character creation."
Simple enough. While Kamesa may have twisted my arm into playing, I still didn't intend on making this into a full blown spectacle. If I wanted to win though, I'd need to be ready to play for keeps. Normally, it'd simply be a matter of using my psychokinesis to change the die roll, but if he was telling the truth I'd have to actually try for a change.
To no one's surprise, Kaidou slapped his sheet down first. "Heh. Feast your eyes, team. I'll carry us all to victory with my character. When your spend as much time as I do fighting the forces of evil, you know what works and doesn't. Dark Reunion won't know what hit them."
*For someone who spends his entire life in delusional fantasy, you sure don't put much thought into it, do you Kaidou?*
"Umm...m-my character's done too," Chiyo chimed in meekly.
Probably based on Kaidou's character at that. Shun Kaidou is an interesting person. And by that I mean, he thinks he's an interesting person. He has what we in Japan call Chuunibyou, or middle-school syndrome. He's convinced himself his arm is possessed by a demon and goes around calling himself Jet Black Wings. It's annoying, and he talks a big game, but in reality he's actually pretty weak.
Chiyo Yumehara on the other hand was obsessed in a completely different way. To say she had crushes would be like saying the sun was tepid. Her latest fixation was on Kaidou, and she'd put a lot of effort into making him notice. No doubt he was the one who talked her into coming, giving Teruhashi an excuse to tag along.
"Let's start with Kaidou. What do you have?"
"Only the best warrior to ever grace the game," he boasted. "A Tiefling warlock. His name is Judgment and he was reborn into his demonic blood after fighting an evil organization bent on world domination. He was captured and murdered, but he made a pact with the demon Baleezeul and now walks among the living again."
"What sort of skills do you have?" Kamesa asked, making notes on his paper.
"Well, since 10 was the average stat for a person, I made sure he was superior to them in every way. All of my stats are at 13."
"Wow that's awesome, Kaidou!" Chiyo squealed.
It's really not. Did he even read the rules? Kaidou gave a smug grin. "His skills are Intimidation, Arcana, Stealth, and Religion."
Too bad he didn't put any points into performance. Maybe he'd be a better roleplayer, then. Kamesa examined his sheet curiously before looking at him with a raised eyebrow. "You have a 2 for Max HP?"
Kaidou turned scarlet. "Well, yeah...I mean, I rolled for my health but I ended up getting a 1. I'm not worried though. I'm so powerful, enemies will go running the moment they even look in my direction."
"If you say so," he sighed. "What about you, Chiyo?"
"Umm...I'm...I'm a Tiefling b-bard. I found Judgement when he was reincarnated, and a fortune teller told me that he'd be the one who would guide me to my true love. So, now I follow him to help take out the evil organization. My skills are Acrobatics, Bluff, Performance, Perception, and Thievery."
"That's so awesome, Chiyo!" Kaidou exclaimed.
"R-really? You think so?"
"Definitely!"
*I should have seen that coming* Kamesa sent me. *How's your character coming along?*
*I think I've got the grasp of it. Still working out the details.*
"Ha, ha! That sounds like that crap that Kaidou says all the time in real life," Nendo laughed.
Wow, even Nendo hit it right on the head. "Well, if you're so great, why don't you show us your character?" he shot back.
"What? Character? I don't have one of those."
"Idiot, you're supposed to be making one!"
For those of you who are having trouble following on, I'll explain it in brief. Nendo is, for lack of a better word, an absolute idiot. Seriously. It's so bad, that my telepathy doesn't work on him. At first, I thought it was because of some weird mutation, but now I'm convinced it's because Nendo doesn't have any thoughts to read.
I'll admit, I was actually curious to see what he'd come up with, but I guess that was expecting too much from him.
"Nendo will have a erm...special role," Kamesa explained. "He'll be advising me as we go along."
Oh God! Nendo, an advisor? Forget blind leading the blind; he may as well have just jumped off of a cliff. "Hear that, runt? I've got a special role! Haha, in your face! What are we playing again?"
"Moving right along," our mysterious host continued. "Aren? How's the character coming?"
For a moment, he became deathly serious. In the background, I could hear the sound of subtle guitars. "Well, as I was looking through the book, I came across this story about a Goddess who use to work for her evil father as his thug. But then she turned her life around and became a better person, leaving behind her thug life. That really resonated with me, so I've made a Human Cleric. My skills are Athletics, Survival, Thievery, and Perception."
"How do you come to join the party?" Kaidou asked.
"I transferred schools."
"What?! But there aren't any schools in LL!"
Chiyo spoke up. "Actually, it says here that bards come from colleges. Maybe he transferred to that college."
I don't think it's that kind of college. Still, Kamesa nodded his head. "I'll allow it. Teruhashi?"
"Please, call me Kokomi," she said, flashing him a smile so radiant that it was blinding. Great, he was going to be wrapped around her finger in no time at all. This game was basically going to be a clean sweep for her.
*If you're worried that I'm going to be taken in by her looks, you've got another think coming. The dice and a player's mind are what controls the game, not me.*
Hmmph. Better men than him have fallen to her charms.
"Okay, Kokomi. What character will you be playing with us?"
"Well, I like animals, so I've decided to play a Druid. I also saw how pretty the Wood Elves are and I just had to play one. The skills I have are Animal Handling, Insight, Persuasion, and Nature. Did I do good?"
What was she looking for, a pat on the head? What's the GM going to say? Even if it was bad, he wouldn't tell her that. Besides, knowing Teruhashi, she probably combed over the book twice to try to impress everyone. She'd still deny it though.
"I dunno," Nendo began, but the other two men immediately cut him off.
"Shut up, idiot! She can play what she wants! I think it sounds cool!" Kaidou argued.
Aren nodded in agreement. "Considering this is everyone's first time, I think she did well."
"Heehee, thanks," she giggled, flicking a lock of blue hair over her shoulder.
"Doesn't she need one of them backstory thingies?" Nendo pointed out.
Busted.
Sure enough Kokomi had spent so much time learning mechanics, she hadn't paid any attention to the game's lore. Now she was back in the spotlight she loved so much, but under a different premise. If she was panicking, she didn't show it. "Oh, right! Well, she was found by a temple to the Gods as an orphan, and was taken in. The monks saw her as a gift from God, and she grew up to be the perfect pretty girl."
That's you, Teruhashi.
"Y-yeah," Aren agreed. "And when I transferred to the college, they asked her to come along with me. Because destiny or something."
Saved by the ex-delinquent. Well, she had a backstory now at least, which meant that we'd come around to my turn. All eyes were on me as they waited for me to speak. I could tell they were all curious as to what I would play, but I'd have to disappoint them.
I held up my character sheet for them to examine. "A Human Fighter?" Kaidou said. "Talk about bland. And what is this skill set? Athletics, Insight, Survival, and Perception? You just copied the rest of us. How are we going to win if you're just the same as everyone else?"
My eyes narrowed, but I said nothing. "He made the character, he can play the character," Kamesa lectured, shutting Kaidou down quickly. "But you do need a backstory."
"I'm a farmer."
"Seriously?!" Kaidou protested.
"Hey, don't judge him," Teruhashi chimed in. "There's more to it, right Saiki?"
Damn. Guess there has to be. "I was drafted to join the party by the nobleman who runs the town. He's friends with the head monk at the temple Teruhashi is from."
"Oh, Saiki, call me Kokomi," she reminded me.
Not on her life.
"Everyone have their dice?" Kamesa asked.
"Yes."
"These candies are really hard," Nendo grunted, munching on the plastic.
"Then let's play the game."
When I opened my eyes, I found myself standing with everyone inside of a realistic looking temple. So, Kamesa was able to use forced telepathy to generate mental images in our minds. This would definitely spice up the game.
The priest stood before all of us, arms stretched outwards. "Brave adventurers. You have been summoned to this temple in order to stop the wicked Count Antago. Each of you has a great destiny ahead of you. Some by choice, others by demand. Your quest lies North of Northwood, in the Wooden Forest."
*Is that just past the Redundant River?*
*Shut it.*
So Ma had a sore spot for his names. Best to bear that in mind for later.
Looking down at my hands, I found them clad in steel. I could even feel the weight of them. Inside those gauntlets, I had calluses from all of my imaginary farming.
This went far beyond forced telepathy. He was conjuring a pocket dimension. Do we die in real life if we die in game? No, he seemed above that sort of thing. It's not like a certain badly written anime.
My eyes swept over the others. My God! The first my sight found was Chiyou. She was dressed like a gypsy, with bright purple and blue rags that left little of her red skin to the imaginary imagination. Her face was recognizable, and her hair was more or less the same, save her small nubbed horns. But it was most definitely not her body.
Her body was thin and lithe in most places, but her breasts and hips were at least triple the size of their real life counterparts. If she was flustered, she didn't show it. No one else seemed too surprised either.
Wait! The forced telepathy made them think this was crafted of their own imagination. That meant they believed this was the mental image crafted by themselves. I imagine Teruhashi was feeling a tad confused.
My eyes fell on Teruhashi, dressed in form fitting leather armor. It was the perfect balance of aesthetic and functional. In her hands was a wooden staff with a cartoonish swirl at its tip.
Sure enough, when I tried to probe her mind, I came back empty. He wasn't lying about not having powers.
She turned to regard me, and recognizing who I was gave me a dazzling smile and waved. Wait...smile? The realization that my x-ray vision was gone came before I could prepare myself.
Her beauty struck like a freight liner. My heart was slamming against my ribs. I tried to resist, but my arm moved on its own accord to wave back. My mouth opened and managed to squeak out an "Oh." However, my sheer strength of will allowed me to refrain from giving her, her much desired "Wow."
This was dangerous. I needed to avoid looking at her if I wanted my peace to be maintained. That brought me to Kaidou. The bandages he wore on his arms were still there, and he had his hair at least. Other than that, he was dressed in black robes, complete with a frayed scarf.
"Well, as the leader of this party—" he began.
"Wait, who said you were the leader?" Aren demanded.
"What's wrong with me being the leader?!"
"I'm just saying, we never decided on a leader. You can't just go putting yourself in charge."
"Oh yeah? Well I'm the most qualified."
Teruhashi stepped in between the two. "Let's put it to a vote, okay? I nominate Saiki as leader."
*Wait, don't I have a say in this?*
"Great idea, Teruhashi. I vote for Saiki, too. At least he knows when to stop talking."
*Thanks, I think.*
"Well, I vote for myself, obviously," Kaitou scoffed. "I have the most experience in this game."
"Didn't you say this was your first time playing?" Teruhashi questioned, putting a well manicured fingernail on her lips. Her soft...pink...kissable...NO! No, I'm stopping that thought there.
"Well...I mean, yeah. Technically."
Chiyou spoke up. "I vote Kaitou, too." No surprise there.
Thankfully, that made me the tiebreaker. I had no intention of being the leader. I pointed my finger at Kaitou.
"Yes! Guess that settles—"
"Hold it, runt!" A loud voice shook the temple.
The priest fell to his knees, and put his head to the floor. "Oh, divine Lord Nendo! For what purpose do you grace our ears with the sweet serenade of your heavenly voice?"
Everyone was stupefied. Nendo, a god? Well, there goes the universe. Again, his voice came, loud enough to shake the floor beneath us. "Hey, new guy. What's that stuff all mean?"
Kamesa's voice joined in with a sigh. "He is worshipping you, and wants to know why you're talking."
I would also like to know why Nendo is allowed to speak. It's really a miracle that he can at all. Huh. Maybe he's the god of stupidity.
"Oh! Well, I didn't get to vote. And I gotta side with my best buddy over the pipsqueek."
Ma sighed again. "I'll allow it."
Kaitou stomped his foot. "Wait! That makes it a tie vote!"
"Guess we'll have to have a tie breaker," Teruhashi agreed. "Anyone have a coin?"
"Ha! That's not how things work in this world. We men settle our differences with combat."
Well this will be interesting for one of us.
"I draw my sword and attack Saiki with a front flip into my special technique! Infernal Lightning Judgment Knight of Thunder!"
A large die appeared over his head and began to spin. He jumped high into the air going into a flip as his blade crackled with dark magic.
The die began to slow, and soon came to a stop on a stylized number 1. Oh, this was going to be good.
Kaitou's face slammed into the hard tile with a sick crunch. "That's 1d4 damage from the critical fail." Another die appeared as time froze. Soon, it landed on a 3.
"That means I'm unconscious right?"
"...Actually, your max HP is 2. You die when you reach negative half of you max up. 2 - 3 = -1...In other words…"
Time resumed as Kaitou's blade landed point down through his skull. His body shuddered and he fell still. "Kaitou, no!" Chiyou cried out, cradling his body in her arms. "Please, someone save him! Wait, I know what will bring him back! True love's kiss!" Without a word she rolled him over and pressed her lips to his before letting out a yelp and dropping him.
"What happened?" Teruhashi asked. "Did it work?"
"No! I cut my lip on his stupid sword," she complained.
"Well, I guess that's settled," Aren yawned. "Saiki is the leader."
*Great.*
"Don't worry, Kaitou. We'll take a short break so you can remake your character." Kamesa told him.
Sure enough, we blinked and were back in my room. Kaitou's legs were pulled up to his chest as he sulked in the corner. Killed by his own ego. That had to be pretty soul crushing.
"Time for snacks," Kamesa announced. As he passed around chips, sodas, and the like, I couldn't help but wish this was over already. I reached for a bag of chips, but Kamesa grabbed my wrist to stop me. "Nuh-uh. I have something special for you, Saiki."
I glanced at him quizzically. From a small cooler beside him, he produced a large and fanciful looking coffee jelly. My eyes were the size of the moon.
I knew this was a bribe. A way to keep me playing. Still, I took it with trembling hands. My spoon sliced through it, and when the smooth jelly flowed into my mouth, I was blown away by the decadent flavor. This was the best coffee jelly I'd ever tasted, bar none.
He smiled at me as I continued to savor the treat. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.