Disclaimer: I do not have any rights or claims to Stargate Atlantis.

Spoilers Seasons 3 and 4

I did this little character study based on a discussion/debate I had with a friend several weeks ago. I don't want to call it a story per se, but my interpretation of what Teyla may have been feeling during some very difficult times during the past couple of seasons of SGA which could of led up to the pregnancy story arc in season 4 of SGA. So I am posting my story before the second half of SGA starts on Friday.

Decisions and Ramifications

Normally, she is so sure of herself, but lately she had to deal with a collage of emotions… loss, uncertainty, melancholy, anger and frustration separate and all at once. These last few months have been very difficult for her. She has lost so many people she had cared about and considered friends.

First, it was Dr. Houston and then Carson in a matter of hours. Carson saved her life when she was badly injured during an explosion. To learn later on that Dr. Houston was the object that exploded. How strange and usually to have a person exploded, but she guess when it come to life on Atlantis there is nothing out of the realm of possible.

Then Carson lost his life so tragically and senselessly when that tumor exploded after he refused to leave without operating on another doctor who still had an exploding tumor in him. They had evacuated the infirmary because the tumor could have exploded any minute. How ironic life is.

She sighed, she missed him so. He was there for her on some many occasions, but none more important than when she lost Charin. He was there by herself at one of the worst moment of her life. When she lost the woman, she thought of as family, a grandmother, her last remaining family. It broke her heart. She still weeps for Charin still to this day. Charin was her last remaining link to her past and her family.

When she first made the decision to join the Atlantis' expedition, she did not know the cost she would have to endure. The Atlantis' expedition had suffered so many losses, but none hurt as badly as when they lost Elizabeth a few months ago to the Asurans. Although, she still could be still alive. Could anything remain of the true essence of the woman?

She sincerely had her doubts about it. If they ever cross paths with Elizabeth again, they may be force to kill her. She grieves for her friend. Although, their relationship was distance at first but those last few months before they lost Elizabeth, she had consider Elizabeth a close friend. They shared many things in common that why she always respected Elizabeth as the leader of Atlantis. It was their duties as leaders of their people that bonded their friendship.

They are always constantly put their lives on the line, but these last few months as been the most perilous. They came close to losing the city of Atlantis as well as their lives many times, but lately, it has been most perilous indeed.

Anger started to well up in the pit of her stomach because again she is grieving for the loss of another friend. Damn, haven't she lost enough people she cared about. She guessed faith did not think so.

Now, she has lost another friend, Dr. Kate Heightmeyer. Kate died in a sleep. She can only wonder what kind of horror Kate had to endure because of that crystalline entity that took the form of John in their dreams. She still hasn't quite gotten over her own nightmare. But that is something, she would rather not discuss with the others.

She has always questioned her own decision to joined Atlantis, but more so lately. She believed with all her heart it was the right decision for her people as well as the people of Pegasus Galaxy regarding their fight against the Wraith, but many of her people have questioned her decision of why she stays with the people of Atlantis.

She has to constantly struggle with the guilt she feel for not being there for her people. However, she doesn't regret her decision to joined John and his team. Because in her heart, she knew it was the right decision but it does not release her of the guilt she sometimes feels.

Speaking of John, he is the fuel for some of her uncertainty and frustration. She can still recall the conversation she had with John after Kate's death. There are times when she thinks his feelings for her goes deeper than the bond of friendship they shared. His actions have cemented that belief. Yes, she does believe that they do share an attraction, but neither one of them has expressed to other any wish or desire in taking their relationship beyond the bound of friendship.

Ah, yes, John does tend flirts with other women and yes, he does seem to be commitment shy. And, yes, she does have this nagging feeling something happened between him and that woman commander, Larrin who along with her men had kidnapped John a few months back. When Rodney had approached the subject of John's kidnapping during breakfast one morning, Rodney had accused John of not being very forthcoming with everything that happened during his capture.

Oh, what was the term, Rodney used to describe Larrin. He called her a hot babe, shaking her head at the recalled memory. Really, can be such juvenile her team mates. However, she did notice John's reactions to Rodney's accusation. He seemed very uncomfortable. She did found herself questioning, why was John so tight lips about what happened.

She believed she knows him better than just about anyone on Atlantis. She feels the same way about Ronon and Rodney. They are her team mates and to a larger extent her family. But in some ways, John is still a mystery to her. He doesn't really express his feelings. But she does know when he is hiding something. How can she even consider being with him when apparently he hasn't thought of making a commitment to her? Does she continue wait? The ways of her people are very different.

Seeing the array of emotions Ronon went through because his friends from the happiness of finding them to the anger and sorry upon learning of their betrayal weighted heavy on her mind. Ronon was willing to leave Atlantis to go with his friends. Although, she understood his reasons, it still did not hurt any less when she thought she may loose him a member of her family.

Because there may come a time he will leave. She saw his struggles deciding whether to stay or go, but he did eventually decide to leave. That why she openly told him of her own fears and struggles regarding her people. Her heart wept for him when he realized the friends he knew no longer existed. Ronon's quest to reclaimed his lost past almost cost them their lives.

Too much sadness and despair were becoming her constant companion to feel lonely and yet to be surrounded by people. She really does look forward to her visits to see her people. It is her way of holding on to her culture and to assure her people that she hasn't abandoned them. She has to be strong for them. Sometimes, she feels the weight of all her people' dreams on her shoulders.

Her people constantly questioning when she is going to choose a mate was becoming a source of frustration. She knew they expected her to choose an Athosian as a mate, but what about John. She believed they like him. But she doesn't see him volunteering for that particular position right now, does she waits or tries to move on.

On one such visit, she was lost in her thoughts, when a gentle touch startled her. She looked up into friendly knowing eyes. There were eyes of a person she had known since her childhood. The eyes held amusement and warm the things that have been lacking in her life for the past few months. The eyes remind her of a time, so very long ago when she was the most happiest, a time when her family was alive.

They talked and laughed recalling childhood memories. She found herself drawn to him. Now, on her return visits to see her people, she finds herself seeking out his companionship. It felt good to have a man looked at her in that way. It made her feel like she was a woman not just some team mate. When she is with him she feels a sense of home and wantonness.

Because Kanan and she were spending so much time together, she knew the consensus among her people was that she and Kanan would be joined as lifelong mates. Although she had not given this much thought in many years since they were kids playing together in the fields. She decided the ways of her people and this man are very important to her even though she made have some feelings for another.

TBC???

Guys please let me know what you think!