He knew. When he heard the deafening bang, he knew. When he saw the blinding flash, he knew. When he felt the earth shattering aftershocks tear their way through the the street, ripping it to shreds like moist paper, sending debris in all directions, he knew.
It wasn't any of these things that sent Remus Lupin trembling to the ground. It wasn't the deafening bang or the blinding flash or the earth shattering aftershocks ripping through the street where they had no right to be.
It was the person behind the blinding light, behind the deafening bang, behind the aftershocks that were now diminishing leaving nothing but carnage in their wake.
Sirius Black fell to the ground at the same time as his only remaining friend. The two marauders, barely grown, felt their lives crumble around them. Sirius wept for James, for his James. His first friend, his brother. He wept for Lily. Lily with her quick wit and shining eyes. He wept for Harry who would never be able to enjoy any of those things.
Remus cried too. He knew that he would never see Sirius or any of the others ever again. James was gone and Lily was gone and Peter was gone and Sirius was going away and Remus knew it.
But he dearly wished he didn't. He wished that he didn't know.
"It wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault."
He the same words under his breath over and over again, the volume of his voice slowly rising.
"It wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault."
But of course it was. Of course it was Sirius' fault. Who else could be blamed?
"IT WASN'T HIS FAULT"
Remus knew his words were untrue but he screamed them anyway. Soon, his words turned to angry howls. Because Remus wished he didn't know.
He wished he could be left to mourn James and Lily without having to mourn Peter and Sirius as well. He wished he didn't know they were all gone.
He wished that he and Padfoot and Wormtail could lean on each other, and eat chocolate, and make everything better, not only for them but for Harry as well. He wished he didn't know that that could never happen
He wished that he had been able to do something. To help James, to help Lily, to help Sirius or Peter. But he hadn't. He had done nothing to help. And he wished he had.
"It's all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault."
The realization came crashing down, forcing Remus even farther into the dirt. His hands clawed and grabbed at the road desperately, searching for something, anything to hold on to. There was nothing.
He knew he couldn't grab onto James. James with his hair, with his glasses, with his snitch. James who seemed arrogant at first but was as fiercely loyal as anything behind it all.
He knew he couldn't grab onto Lily. Lily with her books, with her timid smile, with her laughing eyes. Lily who had been a reluctant friend at first, but who had blossomed into the greatest friend of all once they had toned things down a bit.
He knew he couldn't grab onto Harry. Harry, the bright spot in everyone's lives. Harry with his gurgling smile, with his teeth just starting to poke through, with his padded bum.
He couldn't grab onto Sirius. Sirius with his snarky demeanor, with his, loud mouth, with his quick temper. Sirius who had managed to stay okay despite his past.
He couldn't grab onto Peter. Peter with his watery eyes, with his short frame, with his joy at making it into such a wonderful group of friends. Peter who had lagged behind them but worked harder than anyone to catch up.
Remus couldn't grab onto any of them, because Remus was alone. Completely, truly alone.
James was gone.
Remus was alone.
"It's all my fault."
Lily was gone.
Remus was alone.
"It's all my fault."
Sirius was gone.
Remus was alone.
"It's all my fault."
Peter was gone.
Remus was alone.
"It's all my fault."
"It's all my fault. It's All My Fault. IT'S ALL MY FAULT."
These are the words that Remus was chanting as the aurors took Sirius away. These were the words Remus was chanting as the muggle bodies were tended to. These are the words Remus was chanting as he finally fell, exhausted asleep on the hard ground.
Remus was alone. And he knew.