I had time I could've just said it back. I could have stayed after our hook ups I could have accepted the random jesters for what they were which was to make me happy, to make me love her back even though I did but in secret.
I never really had regret before I mean I'm Santana fucking Lopez what was there to regret?
But then the car wreck happened I shouldn't have been disagreeing with Brittany, honestly in my head I was totally agreeing with her. We should have been together we did get each other perfectly everything did make since, accept the fact my mom already didn't like how much time I spent with the blonde.
Brit knew how psychotically catholic my mother was, she knew that if I was to come out how hard my life would get. My mom wasn't half as accepting as her parents and my dad was always gone and couldn't fight on my behalf.
If I would have turned my head sooner and seen that ass hole run the red light my heart wouldn't be heavy like it is now.
No one would be visiting me in the hospital; I wouldn't be sobbing every night because of the pain in my head and my heart. I could barely remember what had started the conversation anymore.
"Sanny" Britt said looking over at me gazing over the top of her slushy cup I had caved and bought her one even though they made me sick, I just tilted my head and smiled at her.
"Yeah, whats up?" Teenage dream had just went off after we belted it put like pros Glee had really improved both of our voices and our fantasy in Sexy Doctor Carl's office made Brittany much more confident.
"Why aren't we together?"
I glanced over at her and snorted "Uh, B we are for like fifteen more minutes until I drop you off, but then we still have like ten minutes because I have to say hi to your mom and dad"
Brittany worried her lip and looked into her cup before mumbling, "That's not what I meant I mean like Kurt and Blaine"
I had to do a double take I clutch the wheel tighter and sigh "B, babe we've had this same talk about a hundred times what we do and what we have is perfect it's better…No one will get hurt"
Brittany never gets mad at me she usually drops the conversation and starts rambling about how the ducks looked thinner than the last time we fed them and how they have rights but she slammed her cup into the holder sloshing most of it onto my shoes.
"What the fu- Brit why'd you do that Jesus"
"I want to be with you I don't want to hook up anymore I-I" she shook her head I could see the tears I had to swallow the lump forming in my throat "I broke up with Artie because when I was with him or with anyone else I always see you"
My cheeks where starting to feel hot like they do when someone really pissed me off but this was Brittany and I couldn't be mad at her she just didn't understand it.
"My mom B, you know how she is always telling me how big a sin being gay is and how I spend to much time with you and how the world is a lot bigger than Lima how if I would have gotten pregnant like Quinn or if I was gay she'd throw me out to just like Russell did to Q, do you not want me to have a home?" I stopped the car at the light.
Brittany reached over and took my hand hers were soft but they were a bit clammy like when she got nervous before a big dance routine or a glee thing she took a deep breath "I love you though Sanny, and I know you love me to I just want… us to be a real thing even if it's secret from your mom"
Now I was getting pissed I yanked my hand away she just wasn't getting it "Brit damn it cant you see" I said inching the car forward "I can't be with you if things were diff-"
I've only been in one car wreck in my whole life and it was a fender bender when I got my temps and my dad was teaching me how to drive, this was different. The crunch came from B's side and when my head whipped around I saw the door crush against her, staining her cheerios uniform with an even deeper red instantly it seemed.
The car rolled over and I watched as she smashed down, I had forgotten to remind her about her seat belt which I've never done since we were five and she informed she always wondered what the rope was for.
The car rolled again flipping us right back over and now she was on top of me if I could have screamed I would have she looked wrong. It was her neck it had this weird bulge on it we were pushed onto the side of the road I could see a totaled black truck the front end of it totally smashed inward.
"Brittany" I whispered I could see deep red blood trickling from her mouth onto my skirt, I threw up and after that my world went black.
Beeping was the first thing I heard when I came around. My father had his hand wrapped around mine and was crying softly my mom had her arm around him.
"Water" I said my throat felt like it was on fire and my neck was killing me, my dad's head snapped up "Santana baby" he ran his free hand through my hair as my mother went to fetch a nurse.
He handed me a glass that I sipped at gladly I squinted at how bright it was in the room and I took in my surroundings. There were like a thousand flowers in front of my bed on a small table in all kinds of colors.
The doctor walked in and went straight to the machines I was hooked up to then he looked at me his eyes looked tired and sad "Hi, I'm doctor Carson do you know what day it is?".
He was tall and could have been a Principal Figgins impersonator it was kind of unnerving to look at him.
"No, jackass I just woke up, I'm going to take a guess though it's not Saturday"
"Santana" my mom hissed as my father chuckled next to her.
"No actually it is, your right it's just a week later" my stomach dropped and my mouth started to feel all cottony as I started to get glimpses of what happened last week.
"Where's Brittany" I said eyes shifting over to my father and mother, my dad's eyes dropped to the floor as my mom's filled up with tears she tried to take my hand that I noticed wasn't casted but I snatched it away "Where's Brittany" I repeated.
The Doctor cleared his throat "Well, I'm sorry your friend is-" he paused looking up at my dad who was frantically shaking his head my mother had a tight vise like grip on my dads shoulder.
"Sanny baby Brittany is-" my eyes started to spill over I already knew I wasn't naïve "Gone".
"Get out" I snapped looking everyone in the eyes, the must have been dumb or deaf because the just stood there like I hadn't just said a thing "GET OUT OF HERE".
"I have to check your right arm and your neck is still-"
"Get the hell out of my room" I growled my dad gripped his shoulder and led him out muttering his apologies.
My heart was hammering in my chest I closed my eyes but all I could see was her, how upset I had made her how she was begging with me pleading, and all she wanted was me to return the love she gave me everyday.
"I HATE YOU" I scream up at the ceiling I repeat it over and over again until a nurse comes in and sticks something in my IV then my world fades into the blackness again.
I'm six years old hand on my hip glaring at a your Noah Puckerman "Take it back" I growl he just rolls his eyes and shakes his head at me, I kick more sand in his face.
I glance over at Brittany's tear stained face she had her stuffed ducky I won for her clutched to her chest Noah had pulled her off the monkey bars making her cut her knee and get her new shirt all dirty.
"No way I was jus kiddin' around your crazy" he said standing up getting in my face but I wasn't backing down I shoved him away from me.
"No I'm not Puckerman say sorry" he shakes his head crossing his arms as I lunge for him.
My parents weren't to thrilled that I got suspended for three days my mom kept going on about how the Peirce girl would lead me astray if I kept acting up to impress her, but my mom didn't get it.
I wasn't showing off I just wouldn't take people teasing her or picking on her. I mean what were best friends for anyways?
When I tried to naturally sleep I would wake up screaming seeing Brittany's body broken pleading with me her body strewn across a road that no matter how hard I ran wouldn't get me closer to her.
I had to be sedated almost my whole hospital stay I was dosed up when everyone visited and offered there condolences. Like they had a clue, what made me feel the worse though was when Lynn, Brittany's mom, came her eyes puffy but she smiled and sat down next to me.
"We're waiting for you to get out before the funeral" her eyes started watering and she patted my hand "She always spoke so highly of you, me and John where always so grateful for how you protected her and you were always there for her we respect you a great deal"
She saw the pain in my eyes I was guessing because she kissed my forehead "We don't blame you"
I started sobbing and she hugged me gently kissing my hairline shushing me and rubbing light circles on my back.
When she pulled back it killed me to look into her eyes, Brittany's eyes, the same sadness she had in them was the same as Brittany's when she died begging.
"I'm so sorry" I whisper she nods and stands stopping at the door way "We always knew… about you and Brittany we were waiting for the day you guys would make it official" she smiled and shook her head leaving me there feeling worse than when she came in.