Rating, etc: G, ~2000 words
Summary: Revenge is sweet
Disclaimer: Not mine, woe.
A/N: Written for the danjanficathon for dm_lunsford who requested: Daniel engages Janet's help (or vice versa) to pull a prank on Jack O'Neill - without "space monkey", Janet threatening anyone with needles, Daniel whining, or bad language.
I really enjoyed this prompt, all the more for it being Michelle's since she was the one who encouraged "The Incident of The Cheese Toasties in the Night-time" (yes, it has a title now).
Thank you to Cole for the beta and the backstop.
xxxx
Janet had just sat down in the commissary when Daniel appeared in the entrance, looking around furtively. She watched as he approached her table, cocking her head in the hopes he would explain his odd behaviour. He sat down and leant across the table.
"Hey," he greeted her quietly. "Could I borrow your devious mind for a minute later this afternoon?"
Devious? She blinked at him.
"It's Jack," he said as if that explained everything. Which, she supposed, it probably did.
"And you want me to be your partner in crime?" She pretended to think it over. The truth was, he had her at his mention of the Colonel's name – she still owed him payback for the cheese toastie incident last year.
"I'll make it worth your while…" He attempted a leer, but the expression didn't suit him and she had to cover her sudden smile by scratching a non-existent itch on her cheek.
"No flirting at work, Mister," she whispered in the most severe tone she could muster.
He waggled his eyebrows in a ridiculous manner and then looked over his shoulder back toward the door.
"I need to go. We shouldn't be seen together," he hissed. He was evidently in a silly mood. But then, thinking back, he'd been acting strangely that morning over breakfast too.
She eyed him suspiciously. "Did you imbibe something on PDF-one-one-whatever yesterday that you haven't told me about?" He was well known for consuming almost anything in the name of cultural understanding.
He made an exaggerated 'Moi?' gesture. She rolled her eyes.
"So, are you in?" he asked.
"I suppose so," she said with a long-suffering air.
"Excellent." He jumped up. "I'll try and drop by your office later."
"Alright, Red Fox."
"I'll knock three times." He grinned and slunk out.
xxxx
He did too. He stuck his head around the door and she had to smile. Some days he was so involved in the latest round of Earth saving, it was good to see him let his hair down once in a while. Not that he had long hair anymore. Cassie said that the shorter hair suited him. Janet liked it – it meant she could kiss his neck without getting a tickly nose – but, oh, the long hair…
Her face must have expressed her slightly mournful thoughts, for Daniel's grin faded as he approached.
"You ok?"
"Hmm? Oh yes, fine. Now, this prank. I'm thinking since Cassie is home over the weekend we could get her involved, too." Devious indeed.
Daniel looked positively scandalised. "You mean corrupt young minds?"
"Yup," Janet nodded.
"Alright. You realise this means we've upgraded to being in proper cahoots now?" Daniel warned. "There may be repercussions."
Janet simply raised her eyebrow unconcernedly. She could take anything Jack O'Neill could throw at her.
"Right," Daniel nodded, apparently coming to the same conclusion.
xxxx
Cassie had been all ears, a wicked expression coming over her features.
"Oh yes…I've got an idea already. I reckon it's best that I don't tell you, suffice to say that it'll have something to do with his garden. You'll need to tell me when he's not going to be home." Devious was evidently a condiment in the Fraiser household.
Daniel and Janet shared an impressed glance, though Janet thought she could detect a hint of terror on Daniel's face.
"I'll take you over there," Daniel said to cover.
Janet raised her eyebrows. "You got a plan, too?"
"Mmm. You up for some sewing?" Daniel asked.
Oh Lord, what had she gotten herself into?
xxxx
"Socks. That's it, isn't it? You've raided his drawers and now you want me to help you darn his socks together," Janet tried to peek into the bag Daniel was carrying, but he turned his shoulder to block her. She resisted the urge to jump up, as that only ended in teasing.
"I see your socks and raise you…" Daniel presented his haul with a flourish. "These!"
A superior officer's underwear. Janet looked dubiously at him. This could end very badly.
Daniel looked at her gleefully. "Not all of them, just some. This has to be done in the right order."
"You owe me. Big time," she announced.
"Anything." Now that sounded promising…
"So, what's Cass been up to in his garden?" Janet asked.
"I'm not telling you. It's good though," Daniel assured.
Janet smirked. "She probably owes him one too."
At least.
xxxx
"Doc."
"Good morning, Colonel."
"Er, you're a biology person." It wasn't a question. She was more of a chemist with an MD, but she didn't think he'd want to hear that.
"If it's animal related, remember I'm not a vet…" Janet had an inkling that this might have something to do with Daniel.
"No. Plant. Squidgy thing. Whatever." He pulled a Polaroid out of his pocket.
It was of a mushroom. A huge, bright turquoise mushroom. She bit back on a giggle and donned her very best poker face.
"Goodness! I've never seen one of those before! Where'd you find it?" She peered at the picture. Cassie's masterpiece. Cassandra shows an affinity for art. No kidding.
"In the garden. D'ya think it's rare?" He sounded quite excited.
"Hmm, very possibly… Bright colours would suggest it's toxic, so please don't touch it." She regarded him seriously.
"No way. I'm gonna ring the local mushroom…fanatics…club…thing. They might declare my garden a protected area. Then my neighbours will have to stop letting their cat poop in my flower bed…" He looked pleased with himself.
Hook, line and sinker.
xxxx
Janet dialled home. "Hon, it's me."
"Hey Mom. Emergency? Won't be home for dinner? Tub in the freezer?" Cassie was well rehearsed after years as a military child.
"No, actually it's remarkably quiet here. Except for a rather excited Colonel. He took photos. Nicely executed!" Janet said.
"He thinks it's real?" Cassie laughed.
"Absolutely. Your attention to detail was astounding." Janet wondered where she'd found time to dye a fungus.
"Excellent. Now it's up to you guys." Cahoots suited Cassie.
"Yeah. Any chance you could get here at, say, seven this evening?" Janet asked.
"Why?"
"So you can witness the mayhem." Of course.
"I'll be there. I'll be dropped off down the road and walk up to that corner. Stay out of sight," Cassie proposed.
"Ok, we'll meet you there," Janet whispered. God, how old was she?
xxxx
With Daniel distracting the Colonel, Janet was able to go topside, armed with some paper and a root vegetable.
She'd managed to get into the Colonel's office – not hard since the man rarely seemed to be there himself – and out again without being spotted. She then strode purposefully toward her target. With any luck the security guards would suspect nothing.
Job done, she headed back down. Now it was her turn to keep him occupied while Daniel took the boxers back to their drawer. She'd made sure to lock her office door, imagining the horrendous gossip if one of her nurses had walked in on her sewing men's underwear. She had a fierce feminist appearance to uphold.
As a bonus, she'd found a pair of men's socks and attached them to the leg holes of one very attractive pair of tightie whities Daniel had found at the bottom of said drawer. The end result was extremely fetching, even though she did say so herself. When a triple knock had come at the door and Daniel had slipped in, she'd held them up. He'd instantly declared his undying love for her.
While Daniel went off on his mission, Janet cornered Colonel O'Neill with a handful of reports he'd yet to sign. Ought to keep him occupied for a while.
Later, she caught a glimpse of Daniel, who gave her the thumbs up. She signed back, "seven, up top" and he nodded.
The prankster was about to get pranked.
xxxx
A branch was jabbing in her back. She couldn't remember the last time she'd hid in some foliage. Cassie stood beside her, hand clamped to her mouth, and Daniel had yet to appear.
"Ok, Cass, you go wander over to the guard station. Talk to them; say you're waiting for me." Janet nudged her slightly.
"Why? Shouldn't I stay here?" Cassie frowned.
"Er, yeah, I've been thinking and I really, really don't want you getting shot. Or us for that matter, which is why having you there to tell the guards if it gets out of hand will help immensely." Janet explained.
Cassie looked alarmed. "Shot?"
"Yes. It won't happen. It just…might." Some great mother she was…
Cassie reluctantly got up and made her way to the guard station. Janet felt a lot better having her there.
As she watched, Daniel came streaking across from the direction of the emergency hatch. Janet was fairly sure this was not what the designers had in mind when they built it.
"He's coming," he hissed, wriggling in beside her. "Where's Cassie?"
"Guard station. This might get a little…hairy." Janet winced.
"Hairy? As in, you've got someone dressed as Bigfoot to jump out, hairy or, oh God, we're all gonna die, hairy?" Daniel was giving her a 'crazy-woman, what've you done?' look.
"Mmm, leaning toward the latter," she said brightly.
"I retract my undying love. The dying was not part of the game plan." He scowled.
"It'll be fine; Cass will explain. Oh! He's here!" She hunkered down.
They watched in silence as Colonel O'Neill got into his car. A moment later, he gave an enraged, "Ahhhgg". That would be the air-vents, kindly turned to full-power, which he'd just switched on. He opened his door and shook himself, a sprinkling of hole-punch circles festooned in his hair.
"Nice," Daniel whispered approvingly. "I'm not sure he'll shoot us for that though…"
"Watch," Janet said simply.
The Colonel got back in. After a moment, the sound of the ignition turning over was heard, followed by an almighty BANG!
A potato sailed harmlessly through the air. Janet grinned, then hunkered down further.
As expected, the guards came running, guns out and ready. No sign of Cassie. She finally popped up, freeing herself from the clutches of the airman protecting her.
Faint strains of, "—potato! Just a joke!" came across the parking lot, interspersed with bouts of giggling.
The Colonel, out of the car, came around to show the guards he was fine, catching Cassie in a playful headlock and knuckling her scalp.
Since they couldn't let her take all the blame, they crawled out to join Cassie, picking pine needles off their uniforms.
"You two!" Colonel O'Neill roared when he saw them.
"Truce!" Janet called.
The guards did not look amused. General Hammond wouldn't be when he found out either. Nor Sam, when she discovered what she'd missed.
Janet grinned at Daniel. Totally worth it.
xxxx
The next day, Daniel had taken refuge in her office. The underwear aftermath was yet to come.
It came later on that morning. Colonel O'Neill solemnly, and loudly, informed her across the infirmary floor that her underwear was in grave danger. Doctor Warner, who happened to be passing through, stopped in his tracks and gave her a very odd look. Oh great.
"You wouldn't dare, Sir," she retorted.
He made a non-committal noise and departed.
She had a feeling this was less of a truce and more of a cease-fire.
xxxx
Months later, she got a phone call from Cassie.
"He got me back!" she said, incredulously.
"How?" Janet tried not to laugh.
"He sent me a candle with my other birthday present. It's very nice, you know, floral and all that. And it smells of vanilla. To begin with. Then it smells of dog poop," Cassie revealed.
"Oh. Dear." Janet grinned, since grins were silent.
"Stop grinning! The whole rooms stinks. Rebecca thinks I fart in my sleep!" Cassie complained.
That did it. Janet burst out laughing. Thankfully, it hadn't happened while Cassie was home.
When Daniel got in that evening, Janet asked him if Jack had been missing for any length of time.
"I don't think so. I spend most of my days trying to make him go away. Why?" Daniel asked.
"He pranked Cassie today," Janet replied.
"Oh." He looked serious for a second, then his face split into a grin. "Was it good?"
"Yeah. Dog poo candle."
Daniel laughed.
Janet flicked the kettle on for coffee. Then she stopped. Her doctor sense was tingling.
"What's the matter?" Daniel came over, concerned.
She lifted the lid to the sugar pot and sniffed. Salt. And sugar in the salt pot.
"Guess he got away after all…" she surmised.
Daniel grinned at her, pulling her into his arms.
"Undying love is back on."