Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, The Flight Of the Conchords boys or any of their songs nor do I claim to; I'm just playing with them :)


Business Time Cullen Style

Bella knew it was a school night and she should be sleeping but with Edward curled around her, sleep was too hard to concentrate on. He chuckled, very aware of the quickening in her pulse as he lightly traced a line down her side.

"Sleep love." He whispered softly into her ear. His cool breath tickled her face and only resulted in becoming more awake, more aware of him. "Alice promised Charlie you would."

"She also told him you weren't here to keep me awake." Bella grumbled back. It wasn't that she didn't relish the every moment she was with Edward but it had been a long day and school would be hell tomorrow, especially since it would be sunny, without her sleep tonight.

Edward began to hum his favourite soothing and gentle tune, the one her wrote for her, knowing full well the effect of the melody on Bella. She yawned widely and wiggled her way deeper curve into his granite body. Her breath gradually became more relaxed and Edward smiled at his success. Then a large 'bang!' rocked the house.

Bella jolted up and looked around the room wild eyed. Her pulse skyrocketed to limit heights. Her shock at the noise was apparent with every quickened breath she took.

"What was that?" She gasped. Edward reached into the minds of his family to find the source of the disruption only to recoil once he knew. How could he have forgotten what day it was? It was foolish to expose Bella to this night.

"Edward say something, please!" Her hand grasped desperately at his shirt and her eyes searched at alarmed expression.

"I knew this day was coming. Too soon, too soon." Edward sighed.

"What are you talking about?" There was no sign of sleep left in her voice. Bella was running on adrenaline and curiosity. Edward carefully lifted her hands from his shirt and eased himself off the bed.

"That love, is the sound of business time." Bella didn't say anything. What was it that she could say? She had no idea what he was talking about. As if he really could read her mind, Edward prepared to speak again and to fully explain to the oblivious Bella what 'business time' fully entailed.

He softly padded away and focused his attention out the window. Right now there was no way he could make eye contact. Not with this topic.

"Tonight's the night Carlisle and Esme make love." Bella began to make incomprehensible choking noises, completely shocked at Edward's sudden announcement. Before they had avoided everything to do with the s word. But now once he had started there was no stopping him.

"You know how I know?" Bella didn't respond but Edward answer his question anyway. "Because it's Wednesday. And Wednesday night is the night that they usually make love"

"Tuesday night is the night they usually goes to Mrs Cranker's place and Carlisle teaches her how to activate her medi-alarm again but Wednesday night is the night that they make love" Edward voice picked up a little confidence. "It's when everything is just right. Esme's not too upset from her charity work with orphans"

Bella gathered the covers around her and added in a blush filled whisper: "Yeah and there's nothing good on TV."

"Exactly, conditions are perfect for making love." Edward nodded subtly. "She turns to him and says something sexy like, 'I might sort out those credit card bills. I want to pay them in the morning.'"

"That sounds like her." Bella tried to smile but it came out as an awkward grimace that she was glad Edward didn't see. He was still focusing on something outside.

"But Carlisle knows what she's trying to say. She's trying to say 'Awww, yeah. It's business time.'"

Bella frowned. "Are you sure?""The next thing you know they're in the study, organising the family accounts," Edward finally turned back to the confused Bella. He ignored her question in favour of continuing to rely more unneeded information. He was a statute of seriousness. It was best to explain first with questions later or he probably wouldn't be able to go through with it all. "That's all part of it, that's foreplay."

"Foreplay is very important in love making," Bella snorted under her breath. She couldn't believe Edward would discuss foreplay.

"Then Carlisle sorts out the recycling, which isn't part of the foreplay, but it's still very important." He sat back down next to her without glancing once at her face.

"Then next thing you know they're in the bedroom. Esme's wearing that same old ugly, baggy T-shirt with a stain on it that she got from a school fundraiser 'Support Forks High'."

"I remember those. Charlie's got one somewhere."

"Carlisle takes off his clothes but he trips over his slacks 'cause he's still wearing he's shoes." Bella found it hard to imagine this ever happening to a suave vampire but didn't say anything. "But it's okay because he turns it all into a sexy dance."

"The next thing you know he's wearing absolutely nothing."

"Okay, Edward I think I get the idea." She tried to protest but he only held an icy finger to her lips, silencing her plea.

"Except for his socks and Esme knows when he's down to his socks what time it is."

"It's business time." Bella gasped with sudden understanding for the saying. She was never going to look at companies or clocks the same way. Her body turned cold as she wondered how far Edward was going to take things. This really wasn't something she needed to hear. She attempted to distract him. "That's why they're called business socks, isn't it?"

Edward didn't take the bait for the safe conversation of socks. Instead he fumbled forward through the rest of his speech. "Right now they're Making love for…Making love for two….Making love for two minutes."

Bella sighed and gave Edward a pointed look. "Two minutes in heaven is better than nothing."

The noises had all but stopped now but even without vampire senses Bella heard Esme's grumble crystal clear "Honestly Carlisle. Is that it?"

At the sound of Bella's embarrassed giggles, Edward's brow crumpled and he felt obliged to defend his father figure. "He knows what she's trying to say. She's trying to say, 'Aw yeah, that's it'"

"I can't believe you just said that Edward."

"You will be able to sleep now. Carlisle's got hospital research to do. Business hours are over." Edward's chest welled up with a deep breath. It was all out in the open now. It was all over.

"I would rather not. That was far too much information Edward. I'll probably have nightmares!" The breath whistled out of Edward's teeth. Perhaps not. He tried to smile apologetically at Bella but she was looking at anything but him.

There was silence. It that single moment Edward realised exactly what he had said and began mentally rebuke himself for every last statement. What kind of idiot says that to his innocent fiancée? He dropped his head into his hands.

Then came a redeeming grace from Bella, a question so quiet he almost missed it. "But can we have Thursdays then?"