In the bleak midwinter,
frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron,
water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow,
snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter, long ago....
Bleak didn't begin to cover it, Tracy thought as she walked across the park. Why did she go to that party? All those happy children wanted to make her scream at the injustice of the world. Not simply because she knew some wouldn't live to see the new year, but because no one should be having to face struggles at this time of year. Not children. Not her..... Why her?
Thank God her father had taken his own car. She didn't think she could tolerate one more moment of him complaining about everything from the colour of her suit to the way they watered down the punch to the jingling of those insipid bells. And the laughter of the staff and children had given her such a headache she knew she would blast him over every complaint and some she imagined besides. She just couldn't control herself anymore, and it was that damn Luke Spencer's fault.
Damn him. Why did he have to show up today? He had even brought mistletoe to scam her into a kiss. Why couldn't he just accept that they were through as a married couple? They just couldn't work if he wasn't going to commit to her fully, and it hurt too much to wait for the day when he would leave – like they all did. Even if he wanted to pretend that wouldn't happen she knew better. The writing was on the wall and always had been. As long as Laura was catatonic, Tracy could convince herself that their future stretched out before them, but now.... not now.
Tracy realized her eyelashes were wet and it wasn't from the snow that had begun to fall. She couldn't loose her composure in a public park, regardless of how deserted it was. That was only something she allowed herself late at night in the privacy of her own room when the house was asleep. Only then could she give in to the overwhelming sense of loss that consumed her. In public she had never given anyone that satisfaction and she wasn't about to start now. So taking a deep breath she continued walking towards the one bar she knew would be open on Christmas Eve.
Luke saw her coming towards him across the snow and held his breath. She couldn't have seen him or else she would have turned the other way he knew, so he just sat on the bench and watched her moving across the snow. The contrast of her black fur coat against the falling snow was entrancing, and every now and then the flash of red underneath the coat beckoned to him. She always looked fabulous in red and she knew it. He didn't move an inch as he estimated how long it would take for her to be close enough to see him. The mistletoe he'd bought earlier that day still filled his jeans pocket and begged to be put to it's proper use. Somehow he had to make it happen.
He was so lost in thought that he didn't realize she had stopped just a few feet away from him, amazed that he was in the park and staring at her. She didn't know what he was thinking but she knew any movement would snap him out of his reverie and bring all his attention back to her. If she didn't say something first he would. Better to control the situation, she knew.
"What are you doing her, Luke? I thought you'd be poured over some barstool by now."
"Tried that, Wife, but it just didn't work. There's not enough booze in the world to make me forget what's standing right in front of me. What are you doing here anyway? I thought you'd be in the loving bosom of your family."
Tracy harrumphed and sat down beside Luke on the bench. Luke couldn't believe his good fortune but he wasn't about to spook her – Tracy had to take the lead.
"When I left Monica was kicking everyone out and being miserable. Daddy and I went to the hospital party, which was a huge mistake. The boys sent me texts that they will call sometime tomorrow but there is no way they can be with their mother over the holidays, and Alice is so full of Christmas spirit that it was all I could do not to shove the eggnog down her throat."
Luke chuckled at the description and he watched as the faintest hint of a smile graced Tracy's lips.
"That must have been fun. Nothing says family togetherness quite like the feuding Quartermaines."
A genuine smile graced Tracy's face and Luke felt even more hopeful.
"So what was the evening like with the Spencers? The only ones I saw at the party were Bobbie and Carly. I assume the rest were with you."
"Yeah, well after I realized I'd have to face the holiday one way or another, I wandered over to the house to see who I could find. They were all there – Nicholas, Lulu and Lucky. I met the pizza guy on the way in and had some good old fashioned holiday cheer while the kids decorated the tree."
"That must have been fun."
"Ah, well it wasn't that bad. It's kind of nice to see the kids happy about something."
"Were the rest there?"
"No, Spencer was somewhere and Liz took the boys out of town. All the kids were there on their own."
Tracy knew the question was coming and felt she had better face it head on, so she asked and waited.
"Didn't Laura try to get home for Christmas?"
"Not that I know of. She called while we were there and got to talk with all the kids. She's doing fine."
"You must be happy about that."
"Yeah, yeah it's good to know she's still awake and getting the help she needs. It was nice hearing her voice. Laura always loved Christmas and she's missed so many of them with the kids."
"And with you."
Luke looked over at Tracy and saw her staring straight ahead. Reaching over the grab her gloved hand, he squeezed it gently. Tracy responded by looking at him and he could see the pain she was trying to hide.
"Come on, Spanky. Let's walk."
"Where are we going?"
"Wherever you want, Sweetheart" Luke said as he tucked her hand into the crook of his arm and started moving.
After a few moments Tracy spoke again, "You are trying to change the subject again."
"No, I'm just not sure what to say."
"Well at least that's honest."
"I've been honest the whole time, Tracy. I just don't know the magic words to unlock this door between us."
"There are no magic words, Luke. And there isn't any 'us'. There's just you and me and some legal documents and an incredible amount of heartache."
Luke said nothing, he just continued walking with Tracy's hand tucked in his arm. Even as she dismissed them she wasn't about to let go. She loved him as much as he loved her, and somehow he would find the right combination of words and actions to let her know that having her as his wife was all he wanted.
As they walked through the snow, Luke felt a contentment descend on him that had been absent for almost a year. He missed her more than he could fathom. He missed her knowing his thoughts even before he did. He missed her understanding his motivation and his dread of contrived sentimental moments. He missed her calling his bluff and usually being right. He missed the way she saw the world. Most of all though, he missed holding her close and feeling her warmth as he fell asleep at night. It had been too cold for too long.
They continued walking both caught up in the privacy of their own thoughts, neither really noticing that they had been walking towards the waterfront and the Haunted Star. When Tracy saw the boat appear in front of her she became suspicious.
"Did you plan this, Spencer?"
"Hmmm? No, no we were just walking. Guess we both wanted a drink. I know the guy who owns this tub, maybe he'll do us the honour." Luke bowed graciously in front of her and unlocked the door. Tracy couldn't help but smile.
Inside the place was as familiar as ever and the obvious lack of Christmas decor seemed to suit the moment. A drink or two without the constant reminder of the season seemed appropriate. While Tracy slinked out of her coat Luke went to the bar, but instead of turning on the light he lit a couple of candles that he kept for safety reasons.
"Ambiance Husband?" she asked.
Luke forced himself not to pause at the sound of that endearment, but that didn't stop his heart from skipping a beat.
"Yeah, well my eyes can't deal with the harsh reality of electricity. This works for me."
Smiling, Tracy sat down on the stood and awaited her drink.
Luke pulled the good bottle of Bourbon out from it's place under the bar. He wasn't about to serve her watered down liquor. Besides she knew where the best stuff was stashed and wouldn't accept anything less. After they toasted the evening, he brought his glass to his lips but didn't take a sip. Instead he watched over the rim as Tracy took her first, long gulp. The look on her face was pure ecstasy and he could see her relax in front of him. For all her accusations that he was nothing more than a Hedonist, he knew she understood a thing or two about indulging in pure pleasure.
She caught him watching her and her eyes started to dance. What was he thinking, she wondered. He had the look of one who was utterly entertained and couldn't fathom what it was that fascinated him so much about her drinking. He always watched her and seemed to get as much benefit from the liquid as she did. Taking another drink she noticed he finally joined her, but their eyes never left the other.
Luke decided to seize the moment and quickly came around the edge of the bar to take her hand.
"Dance with me, Spanky" he said, as he clicked on the ever ready jazz music in the sound system.
Why not, she thought, as she placed her glass on the counter and easily moved into his arms. Nothing seemed as perfect as when she felt him wrapped around her and she didn't want to break the spirit of the evening with the niggly details of reality.
Together they moved across the floor, completely connected from cheek to toe. Every turn, every dip, every step was in complete synchronicity as if they had been practicing their entire lives. Tracy felt even more intoxicated than she had with the Bourbon, and it didn't take long before she was gently stroking his back as he pulled her even closer. She could feel his excitement against her stomach, but she felt something else too.
"What's in your pocket?"
"You mean more than me excited to see you?" he smiled.
She couldn't help but laugh.
Luke knew this was the make or break moment so he pulled out the mistletoe and hung it over her head.
"This is the only holiday tradition I consider sacred" he said as he looked deeply into her eyes.
The smile faded from her face but she didn't pull away. Luke took that as permission and leaned down to brush a light kiss across her lips. When she didn't protest he kissed her again, firmer this time and his persistence was greeted with acquiescence. She kissed him back with pleasure and longing, parting her lips so he could deepen their kiss.
The tingles ran up and down her spine as she poured her heart's desire into their kiss. He knew how to make her feel weak and wanted at the same time and she was desperate for one more taste of him. Luke must have sensed her longing because he bent slightly beside her and the next thing she knew he had scooped her up in his arms. She broke the kiss and looked into his eyes, already darkening and hooded. She knew where he was taking her, and she wouldn't stop him for anything in the world.
After blowing out the candles, Luke carried her down to the largest stateroom – the one they had shared on numerous occasions. Placing her gently in the middle of the bed, he crawled up beside her and continued the kiss they had started during their dance. It always was a dance between them, verbally, emotionally and physically. He knew her body better than he knew his own, and he felt along ever inch of her as clothing was removed until flesh touched flesh.
The passion that had been building between them for months finally exploded as they found their rhythm and united into one. Just as they reached their climax the bells around town began to peel loudly, announcing midnight and the peak of the season's celebrations.
Together they laid in each others arms, enjoying the warmth and love they had found. The moonlight streamed in through the portals and all seemed right with the world. Sleep quickly overtook them.
Tracy never knew what awakened her. Perhaps it was Luke shifting in his sleep. Perhaps it was a noise outside. Perhaps it was a return to her senses. Whatever it was she took the opportunity to move away from him and out of the bed. He looked so peaceful and it broke her heart to have to leave him, but it was the only thing to do. She wanted to thank him for giving her this Christmas present but she didn't want him to assume everything was right between them.
Quickly she dressed and was about to leave when she took one last look at his figure stretched under the bedsheets. With slight hesitation she moved over to be closer to him and leaned down.
"I love you, Luke. That will never change" she said as she lightly kissed his forehead and snuck out of the room before he awakened.
"I love you too, Spanky, and this ain't over" he whispered into the darkness of the empty room before he rolled on to her pillow and began imagining his plan for tomorrow.