HERE COMES THE BOOM: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT
A HOLLYWOOD STUDIO MEETING
BIG SHOT EXECUTIVE
"So what's your pitch?"
KEVIN JAMES
"First I want to ask you a question. Take all the really great inspirational teacher movies - DEAD POETS SOCIETY, MR. HOLLAND'S OPUS, STAND and DELIVER, etc. What are they all missing?
EXECUTIVE (after some thought)
"A smoking hot babe? At least one that's legal?"
KEVIN JAMES
"Hey, I never realized that, but you're right. But what I was thinking of was WRESTLING! Wouldn't it be cool to have a teacher - specifically me - who moonlights as a MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTER in order to save the school's music program…."
EXECUTIVE
"Well, if you could manage to get a smoking hot babe to come on board, too, I might consider green-lighting this project. You're right - who wants to see some guy stand in a classroom and lecture, when you could be watching him get the crap kicked out of him in a ring."
KEVIN JAMES
"Just leave it to me!"
A YEAR LATER
FADE IN:
INT. A MESSY BEDROOM
KEVIN JAMES (falls out of bed)
"I'm late! For a not-so-important date."
KEVIN JAMES zooms through the streets on his motorcycle, totally badass. The only way he could be any cooler, was if he was riding a skateboard and hitching rides on the backs of people's cars.
He arrives at school, and finds he is locked out. Oops! So he scales the building and enters through the window. Maybe he even shoots spider webs from his fingertips, too, but we don't see this part.
GREG GERMANN
"You're late. I'm docking you a vacation day."
KEVIN JAMES
"Is that a real mustache you're twirling or a fake one?"
GREG GERMANN
"You just bought yourself after school traffic duty. Have fun."
KEVIN takes out paper and ignores class.
CHARICE (NO LAST NAME)
"Uh, sir? I have an astute observation about the material?"
KEVIN JAMES
"SUMMER, if you grade grub one more…oops, wrong movie. Just take a seat because none of this science stuff remotely matters."
Int. A CRAPPY MUSIC ROOM (which is exactly like the author's former high school music room, except this one has WINDOWS)
HENRY WINKLER is conducting an orchestra. The kids are TOTALLY INTO IT. This is one INSPIRATIONAL TEACHER, folks! Could his job possibly be in danger? Stay tuned!
HENRY WINKLER
"OK, guys, great job! Remember, MUSIC really matters. Don't forget to practice - hee. Even though I'm a music teacher, I do have some inkling of what kids this age are really like. Plus I'm technologically competent, unlike every other movie oldster."
KEVIN JAMES
"Hey, HENRY? Can you take over my traffic duty today?"
HENRY WINKLER (stares aghast at his cell phone)
"My wife's having a plot device, I mean, a baby!"
KEVIN JAMES
"Whoa! But what about traffic duty?"
INT. AN AUDITORIUM
GREG GERMANN
"Attention, please. I have bad news. We're cutting every single extracurricular activity. Except football because if we did that, the whole world would come to an end."
HENRY WINKLER
"Excuse me, Mr. Bureaucratic Stereotype. You mean the music program is getting slashed, too?"
GREG GERMANN
"What are you, slow or something? Yeah, everything."
HENRY WINKLER
"You can't do that! The kids'll be crushed!"
GREG GERMANN
"Just for that, I'm cutting your job. Since apparently, you don't belong to a union or have tenure even though you're a gazillion years old. Ha- ha!"
KEVIN JAMES
"Now wait a minute! What are you, Hitler reincarnated? What do you do, kick crippled children for fun?"
GREG GERMANN
"You just bought yourself a second day of traffic duty, Mister."
KEVIN JAMES
"Seriously. We have to do something. If we could step outside these boxes the script has stuck us into and have an actual conversation like grownups…."
GREG GERMANN
"Don't mess with the bull. You'll get the horns."
INT. A COMICALLY MESSY BLUE-COLLAR BASEMENT
KEVIN JAMES
"Gee, bro, I could really use some extra dough."
THOMAS C. GALLAGHER
"Don't look at me. I just got laid off."
KEVIN JAMES
"I could go back to teaching citizenship classes at night school, but that pays peanuts. What in the world am I gonna do?"
THOMAS C. GALLAGHER
"Hey, at least you have a job."
KEVIN JAMES
"Maybe I should also call a meeting so the same apathetic teachers who didn't do anything when GREG acted like an ass can help out."
He does. No one shows up except SALMA HAYEK and HENRY WINKLER.
INT. BAS RUTTEN's LAIR
KEVIN JAMES
"Hi, I'm here to help tutor you for your citizenship test. Remember?"
BAS RUTTEN
"Oh that. No, first, come and watch a mixed martial arts competition with me."
KEVIN JAMES
"Cool! Say, I bet I could do that. I used to wrestle in college, and even if I lose, I get a whole lot more dough than I do tutoring you guys."
BAS RUTTEN
"You're serious? You're gonna need a COACH. Why don't I help you?"
KEVIN JAMES
"So, what exactly is your day job?"
BAS RUTTEN
"I teach spin classes. Oh, and I do know something about actual fighting."
KEVIN JAMES
"It's a deal."
EXT. AN EXCEEDINGLY LOW-LEVEL COMPETITION
KEVIN swaggers down the aisle, totally pumped, ready to kick some butt.
KEVIN leaves on a stretcher five minutes into the fight, not so badass, after all.
INT. THE NURSE'S OFFICE
KEVIN JAMES
"So you're the nurse? I bet a lot of guys in the audience are wishing their high school was ore like mine."
SALMA HAYEK
"You look terrible. Let me guess, the fight didn't go so well?"
KEVIN JAMES
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
SALMA HAYEK
"You're quoting NIETZSCHE?"
KEVIN JAMES
"No. KELLY CLARKSON. By the way, am I sufficiently pathetic to arouse your sympathy and get you to go on a pity date with me?"
SALMA HAYEK
"Ask me again, a little later in the script."
INT. THE PRINCIPAL'S LAIR
KEVIN JAMES
"Did someone in here just cut the cheese, or is that your permanent expression?"
GREG GERMANN
(real line)
"You are getting beat up in your BATHING SUIT. You are EMBARRASSING THIS SCHOOL!"
KEVIN JAMES
"Hey at least I'm giving a rat's ass about these kids who are about to lose their music teacher. Not to mention preventing a poor elderly guy whose wife is inexplicably preggers from losing his job. I'm doing everything that you're supposed to be doing."
GREG GERMANN
"Whatever. Secondly, CHARICE's FATHER wants her to drop out of school and work at his restaurant. He doesn't think being taught by a wannabe wrestler is going to help her later on in life."
KEVIN JAMES
"You mean, in this ECONOMY, you can't find anyone to hire? Under the table or otherwise? Oh, wait, this is MOVIE. Give me some time, though, I can fix all this."
INT. A CLASSROOM
KEVIN JAMES
(jumps on desk; no really)
"Carpe diem! Gather ye rose…oops, wrong movie. No, this is a drawing of cell life."
STUDENTS
(yawn)
KEVIN JAMES
"Did you know that there are parallels between BIOLOGY and REAL LIFE?"
STUDENTS
"Whoa! Who knew?
KEVIN JAMES
"Not only that, but there are parallels between BIOLOGY and this MOVIE."
STUDENTS
"We're inspired!"
SALMA HAYEK
(passing by room)
"I'm aroused! But only in a PG-way."
KEVIN starts wearing suits to school and causing ILLICIT EXPLOSIONS, all the while winning his matches and preventing CHARICE from dropping out, while getting his brother a job as a chef because he is awesome. Everything is going great, until….
INT. THE HALLWAY of PLOT CONTRIVANCE
KEVIN JAMES
"Guess what? I just found out I got offered a chance to COMPETE in the BIG LEAGUES, and you turned it down. What gives?"
BAS RUTTEN
"I'm having a last minute attack of jealousy. I'm a way better fighter than you'll ever be. This should have been ME!"
KEVIN JAMES
"Really? I never thought…"
BAS RUTTEN
"No, I'm just messing with you. Go ahead!"
INT. A HOTEL ROOM
KEVIN JAMES
(on phone)
"What's up? A dramatic near-the-end of the movie plot twist?"
SALMA HAYEK
"How did you know? No, seriously, that nice guy who we thought was on our side turned out to be an evil louse who EMBEZZLED all our hard-earned funds."
KEVIN JAMES
"So the money's gone? What if I win the fight tomorrow?"
SALMA HAYEK
"Do I really have to tell you?"
KEVIN JAMES
"I'd have enough to save everything, wouldn't I?
SALMA HAYEK
"Duh."
Int. A BIG TIME WRESTLING RING
ANOUNCER
"OK, folks, we have KEVIN JAMES in one corner, a mild-mannered nice guy with a dream and a desire to save his school, versus a STEROIDAL MANIAC who probably bench presses biology teachers before breakfast. First, let's introduce KEVIN!"
KEVIN JAMES
(looks up in the bleachers)
"Whoa, everyone showed up to support me, and the students are playing my long-labored upon musical masterpiece."
HENRY WINKLER
"No, they're just playing an inspirational song."
KEVIN JAMES
"Are you sure? I'm totally getting déjà vu. Also having seen THE KARATE KID, I'm pretty sure that for my first two rounds, I'm gonna take a beating and half, aren't I?"
HENRY WINKLER
"Yeah. Just remember wax on, wax off."
KEVIN JAMES gets the living daylights beat out of him. But hey, he is INSPIRING!
KEVIN JAMES
(retreating to corner after round two)
"I guess I didn't save your job, after all."
HENRY WINKLER
(real line)
"You can quit right now, and everything we have worked for will have been accomplished. You have inspired these kids!"
KEVIN JAMES
"Yeah, but we'd be violating a cardinal movie rule. Which is that the beaten-to-a-pulp hero cannot quit until he has redeemed himself. By beating the crap out of his aggressor. Besides, if I quit, in a few months, you'll be eating dog food and living in a cardboard box with your pregnant wife."
HENRY WINKLER
"Touche. Just remember that martial arts is like traffic. Walk in the middle, get squished like a grape! "
KEVIN JAMES
"That is deeply reassuring. Now I think I can muster up some willpower from deep inside and win this fight!"
KEVIN redeems himself, which shocks everyone who's never seen a movie.
SALMA HAYEK
"My God, a guy who can win after being pulverized to a spandex smear on the mat is sexy. Let's do it right here, right now."
KEVIN JAMES
"You mean getting my students hyped about cells didn't make me more appealing…no, just kidding. But remember, this is a PG-rated film."
She does. They only KISS.
KEVIN JAMES
"I guess I saved the day, huh?"
ENTIRE CAST except GREG GERMANN
"You betcha!"
KEVIN JAMES
"Plus, all my citizenship students passed and are now full-fledged Americans. But there's one more thing…."
GREG GERMANN
"Ya know, I've been kind of a dickhead all along. Thanks to KEVIN, we don't have to cut anything. But he still can't have his vacation day back."
END