Title: Kidnapped!! A Parody…
Authors: La Trabrasera and Blondie Boots
Rated: R for explicit language and violence
Summary: Liz gets kidnapped…again.
Disclaimer: Not ours. We don't own. We give back. No sue.
Archive: Fo' sho'!
A/N: Liz was so extra syrupy sweet on Friday's episode that Trabrasera went into a diabetic coma. When she came out of it, she came up with the premise for this, which was a bit different. She basically told me, "Liz is kidnapped and sings an annoying, stupid song." So I ran with. We fleshed it out together and here it is. OUR Liz get kidnapped. Hope you enjoy the carnage.
"I've been working the night shift all week. I'm awake, we need stuff for breakfast, the boys are asleep. How many more reasons do you need for me to go to Wally-World at midnight?"
Jason looked at her. In that way, you know the one, that made her toes itch. And not in the good way.
"Be careful, is all. I'd rather I went with you…"
"And leave the boys alone?"
He stood silently, looking at her, again.
Liz blew out her breath.
"I've got cabin fever, okay? I need to get out. It's just the damn store. I will buy groceries and come home. Okay?"
Jason sat on the couch and flipped on the TV.
"If you're not home in an hour and a half, I'm turning on the tracking device on your car."
Liz knew about the bug on her car, it still rankled her.
"Two hours."
He threw her a questioning look.
"I'm going to shop slowly."
"Call me when you're on your way home."
"Yes, sir, sir," she said, grabbing her purse and heading for the door.
'…had a bad day, taken one down…'
"Damn it," she said aloud. She hadn't been able to get the damn song out of her head for two days.
Elizabeth perused the aisles at the local super mart, filling her cart. And somehow, while she shopped like her parents were on vacation, she managed to sing the damn song, aloud and in her head, a dozen times.
Then she realized, she should shop like the mother of two small boys and emptied half her cart.
'…you need a blue sky holiday…'
Liz shook her head and loaded the bags into her trunk.
'Damn it!'
Elizabeth was two seconds from opening the car door when a hand closed over her mouth and she felt pressure against her back.
"Scream and I'll fucking kill you."
'These are my choices. Scream and be killed in the Wally-World parking lot, or don't scream and be killed in some corn field. Great.'
She chose not to scream. Liz freaked, silently wishing she had just stayed home.
She felt a gun barrel at her back.
"Don't move."
'Obviously, you moron.'
Suddenly, there was tape over her mouth and a cloth sack over her head. She had the terrible sensation of being lifted, moved and dumped into something. She was on her stomach, having her wrists tied together. It became obvious she was in a trunk, when she heard the slam.
She laid in the dark, contemplating her predicament.
'…sometimes the system goes on the blink and the whole turns out wrong…you might not make it back and you know that you could be well oh that strong and I'm not wrong…'
'Aaaghhhh! Stupid song! I'm being kidnapped! Go away!'
There was a round of swearing in her head, and if, God please, she got out of this, she wasn't going anywhere without a bodyguard and her Desert Eagle.
Her contemplation was cut short, when she was roughly lifted out of the trunk and set on her feet.
"Walk."
She did not comply.
"I said, 'walk'."
'Can I get a 'please', mister kidnapper man?'
The answer was a hit to the kidneys. She grunted and doubled over. Once upright again, she felt a hand on her back, pushing her forward.
"Walk."
She heard a door open and was dragged through it and lead down a long hall. She was through a doorway and pushed onto a seat, felt like a couch.
She sat quietly, straining to hear voices. She didn't hear anything, no breathing, shuffling of feet.
Nothing.
She took a chance and stood. Nothing. No one shoving her back or ordering her to sit down. She sat back down and leaned her back into the couch. She was attempting to work up some sweat and loosen the tape around her wrists. It was a good day to have sweaty palms.
'…where is the moment we needed the most…you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost…'
'Stupid fucking song!'
She heard footsteps and went stock still, trying to look like she had just been sitting there quietly, not trying to escape. The footsteps receded and she stood again. There was no response. She went back to her previous task. Fear and the dense fabric of the couch made the job easier.
After a few minutes, she could slide her wrists around in the tape a little bit. And a little while after that, she had it loosened enough to slip her hands out.
She kept her hands behind her back, clutching the tape, and stood. There was no sound in response to her movement.
She whipped the sack off her head and looked around. She was in a small, white room, empty except for the love seat she'd been sitting on. No door, just an open doorway.
She braced herself and ripped the tape from her mouth. She gasped quietly, but made no other sound. She walked to the doorway as quietly as she could, listening for sounds of activity. Footsteps, breathing, cocking guns.
"…because you had a bad day…you're taking one down…you sing a sad song just to turn it around…" she whispered.
She shook her head. Nerves jangled, she stepped towards the door willing her heartbeat back to normal. On a whim, she chose left out the doorway.
She pressed herself as close to the wall as physically possibly, silently venturing down the hall. She heard the sound of running water and stopped. When the door directly in front of her opened, Liz made an executive decision.
When the guy came out, she rammed him full force from her shoulder. He went down and his gun slid away.
Liz dove for it and had it in hand in a second. She stood and drew down on him, leveling the weapon at his groin.
"You are like the most inconsiderate kidnapper ever! It didn't occur to you that I might need to use the toilet?" He looked at her stupidly. "Never mind. Can I just ask you politely who you're working for and you tell me? Or do I have to hurt you?"
"Fuck you, bitch! They're sending a team for your husband and kids next!"
"That was the wrong answer. We're going to try this again." She took a deep breath. "I see this perfectly sensible silencer… I wonder how sensitive this trigger-" There was a 'thwp' sound and the kidnapper was yelling and clutching his leg. "Guess it's a hair-trigger. Good to know. Now. Why… No stupid question. Who do you work for?"
"Fuck you!"
Liz sighed.
"Hard way then." She regarded the gun in her hand. "And this silencer? Not working for me."
As she removed it, she said, "I'm a nurse, by profession, if you didn't know. And I, unlike, I don't know, doctors, did not take an oath to do no harm. I'm completely willing to do harm. Especially when my children are threatened. And now, you will tell me what I want to know. Because not only am I pissed that you kidnapped me and threatened my babies, you had to go and ruin almost 200 worth of groceries, including my triple chocolate fudge ice cream, only ONE carton on the shelf. I had to fight a PMS'ing college student for that ice cream, and now it's pooling in my trunk. You're an asshole! Tell me who you work for!" She leveled the gun at his head.
"Screw you, go to hell. Morgan is done! And you and the brats are fucking going with him!"
"Screw it," she said, and pulled the trigger.
Now, Elizabeth was hearing people. Russian speaking people. Sounded Russian… somewhere in that general area.
She called on her Rainbow 6 expertise and stealthed it down the hall, weapon at the ready.
She saw an exit, but thought twice before running to it. In the game, there was always somebody around the corner. So, she crouch-walked and leaned against the wall.
"Okay, mister big gun guy, I give up! I'm out of bullets!"
The fool actually rounded the corner, weapon down. Maybe he was kind of asking for it when she took out his kneecaps.
"Dumb ass. 'Dear Mister and Mrs. So and So, Your son has lost the ability to walk due to his epic stupidity, signed, Elizabeth Imogen Webber-Morgan, RN.' You seriously thought I was out of bullets? Moron."
She checked the door, but not only was it bolted, there were big ugly guys with machine guns not far away. Not her best bet.
"Where is the moment we needed the most… You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost… You tell me your blue skies fade to grey… You tell me your passion's gone away… And I don't need no carryin' on…' she sang, heading back the other way.
She paused, coming to the other end and another goon. She popped off another couple of rounds and took the gun off of him before she made her way through the house.
She'd made a decision. She was not going to leave a motherfucker alive to go after her husband and children.
So, she used the skills she'd learned from Jason, his guards and Dildo, aka Lucky and the Rainbow 6 marathons, to take out every bastard in the place. She moved slowly and stealthily, collecting accessory weapons and big guns as she took the bad guys down.
"You stand in the line just to hit a new low… You're faking a smile with the coffee to go… You tell me your life's been way off line… You're falling to pieces every time… And I don't need no carryin' on…" Liz continued to sing, as the bodies continued to fall around her.
"God, I hate that fucking song! If I have to have it rattling around my head, so do you," she said aloud, and then under her breath, "Until you get your brains blown out for being stupid."
Eventually, she made it through the entire house, semi-unscathed. There was a small flesh wound to her upper left arm, but some betadine and a band aid would take care of that.
She flung the doors to the outside open and mowed down all comers.
Flush with anger and the heady excitement of surviving being kidnapped by murderous thugs, Liz headed for the first vehicle she could find. A big, black pick up truck.
"Who keeps a grenade launcher in the back of a pick up truck? Honestly?!"
She shrugged.
"Might as well. It's practically begging for me to use it."
She sighted the house with the RPG and sang the stupid-ass song.
"'Cause you had a bad day! You're taking one down! You sing a sad song just to turn it around! You say you don't know! You tell me don't lie! You work at a smile and you go for a ride!"
She fired and as the grenade flew, she finished the song and got in the truck. Thankfully the keys were in the sun visor.
"You had a bad day… You've seen what you like… And how does it feel for one more time… You had a bad day… You had a bad day… Oh, yeah, yeaaah, yeah! Had a bad day… Oh, had a bad day! Had a bad day… Oh, yeah, yeah, yeaaah! Had a bad day… Oh, had a bad day!"
She revved the engine and squealed the hell out of there, the grounds ablaze behind her.
Liz entered the house to Jason pacing in the living room floor.
"Where have you been? I put the damn locater on and the car was in the parking lot at the store!"
Liz lifted her right hand and showed him her gun.
"I have had a really bad day. No pun intended." Jason looked confused. "So, I'm going to put this down the gun, take a bath and try to get the gun powder off my hands."
Jason stopped her.
"What the fuck? Liz, what happened?"
He sat her on the couch, which she allowed, and questioned her.
"Explain."
"I was almost relaxed, you know, from the shopping. And then… I WAS KIDNAPPED!" She took a deep breath.
"But, because you and the guys trained me so efficiently, and I played a lot of Rainbow 6 with Dilweed back in the day, I was able to extricate myself, kill the bad guys, blow up the house and get an annoying ass song out of my head. So, the worst part is the groceries in the trunk." She stopped and looked at him. "And we're mounting that gun on the wall," she said, pointing to it, "It has sentimental value now."
She stood and started to walk away.
"Plus, I want a new car, my bath and to go out to breakfast… 10-ish. It's your turn to get the kids up…" she said heading up the stairs. "Good night."
Liz's head hit the pillow completely Daniel Powter-free.
The End!