Series 4, Episode 1

MIRANDA'S SITTING ROOM

MIRANDA IS ALONE IN HER FLAT, TALKING TO THE AUDIENCE.

MIRANDA

There you are. Do come and join, what do you mean; you're waiting for the kettle to boil? Rude. Alright, I'll wait. Actually, no I won't. You'll have to catch up later on iPlayer.

So last time we were together it was quite a tumultuous day in my life; good word, tumultuous; tumultuous, yes, I'll stop now. Where was I? Oh yes; so I'd tried to leave and start a new life far, far away... Oh Chewbacca, let me stroke your thick, thick fur... Sorry. Sorry. Where was I? Yes, leaving. I didn't succeed, Gary came running after me and for a few hours I was deceived by his apparent concern and love for me. Yes, really. Then Mike returned and proposed. So Gary proposed too; and it turned into a bit of a circus. But it wasn't to be. I couldn't return Mike's feelings and I wasn't sure of Gary's. I know; it's very sad, but Gary's heart was only half there, and I need more than that. I deserve more than that. Thank you. So Mike's gone and Gary and I have decided to just be friends. Again.

That was a month ago and things are ok. They're not great, but they're ok. Life goes on, doesn't it? Well, I believe that; my mother doesn't, she's been unbearable. She was furious with me for not accepting either Mike or Gary and at first refused to talk to me. Then she realised that was hardly a punishment and has since taken to popping round four times a day to tell me I've made a huge mistake and to inform me that Benji is also still single. I really don't need to be kept informed about that.

In other news, Tilly and Charlie's wedding is fast approaching. Stevie and I are maids of honour, and both wearing the most revolting orange satin dresses you've ever seen; it's like she lifted them directly from a 1980's Kay's Catalogue. We tried to fight against it, but we failed miserably and even managed to incur the added atrocity of having to manage Tilly's three revolting toddler cousins who are bridesmaids. Joy.

Right, must be nearly lunch time, I'm off to the restaurant.