A/N: This came to me while watching the movie once again. This is set directly after Splinter's talk with Don. A few seconds before that our favourite brainiac tries to lecture Raph on how fear isn't the best way to accomplish things but Raph pretends to hit him and… I think you all know what I mean. So… on with the shortie.
Oh yeah, I own none of this and make no money off it.
I flinched.
I know now he wasn't going hit me but in that moment the only thing on my mind was fear. Not primal, panic inducing fear but rather the deep rooted realization that I reached a long time ago: He can defeat me if he wants.
How can I lead them when that is the basis for every interaction between us two? How can I be strong when he is stronger? How can I replace Leo when I am so much less than him?
Sure, I am not worth less. I know that. I don't have problems with feeling inferior. Just feeling inferior to the person I have to be to carry the responsibility that now rests on my shoulders.
I am not ready to be a leader. I am not ready to lead my brothers. My two brothers. The two that are left.
I think… I wish every single day that Leo will come back soon, today maybe, but he never does.
He never stands in the door, cringing slightly and apologizing for being late.
He never comes up behind me and pats my shoulder saying "Don't worry Donnie, I'll handle it" when there's a situation I can't quite handle.
He never reassures or encourages me, simply because he isn't here.
He never is.
Every single time I look up he isn't there. No matter how many times I do. One would think I have learned by now not to look up in that hope anymore but I keep doing it. I keep looking up to the big brother that isn't there.
He is my big brother. He is the big brother of all of us three. I am the second youngest. How can I lead Raph when I am his little brother? When he doesn't see me as someone giving orders?
His problems with Leo were identical with the problems he has with authority but with me those problems don't even come up. I am no person of authority for him.
It's not the same thing with Mikey. Mikey easily follows authority. He accepts me as a leader, he would follow me if I asked him to. But even to him I am not enough a big brother.
I am never there when he comes home.
I am never there to appreciate him. I am never there to reassure him.
I am no big brother to him, at least not a good one. I wish I could be all those things.
But I can't. I can't because I flinched. Leo wouldn't have flinched. If anything he would have caught his wrist and said something respect worthy but he wouldn't have flinched.
I am not our leader, no matter how many times I am supposed to be that.
I will never be our leader.
Please come back, Leo.