Valentine's Day.
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The feast day of an old, decrepit priest who rotted away in a dark and dingy jail cell before having his head chopped off.
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A Hallmark holiday if there ever was one.
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A day of gooeyness and sap and fake roses and sloppy wet kisses.
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The list of reasons could go on and on forever, but the simple fact remained that it was quite possibly Skye Penderwick's least favorite day of the year.
Oh, she realized how that sounded—so full of bitterness and sourness and Scrooge-ish-ness and Grinch-ish-ness and basically any other sort of -ness that was ever used to describe someone who refused to get into the spirit of things—but that wasn't how it was.
She wasn't bitter or sour. She wasn't broken-hearted or vengeful. Gosh, she wasn't even lonely…
But at age 15 she was still a bit down on the whole romance thing and really just didn't get why anyone would waste time, energy, and money on a holiday that celebrated love.
If true love did indeed exist—and she wasn't at all convinced of that yet—then it should be something that was celebrated 365 days a year, not just one day for a few hours. You shouldn't have to have a holiday for something that should be routine and happen all the time.
How many people out there told themselves that it was okay if they cheated, it was okay if they didn't kiss their spouse when they got home, it was okay if they forgot to say "I love you" so long as they took them out to a fancy restaurant on Valentine's Day and bought them a box of chocolates?
If there really was such a thing as love, and if it was all that it was cracked up to be, then why on Earth did Hallmark have to invent a holiday for it? Why ONE day a year? Why not EVERY day of the year?
And sitting there at her desk, watching her statistical analysis class pass out stupid squares of paper with candy attached, she had an idea. It was time to spread some holiday realism around the demented group of people that were her friends…
This was going to be fun…
There are some things in life that just never happen, that are just never supposed to happen. Breaking your neck, falling off the top of the Empire State Building, kissing a gorilla, getting a valentine from Skye Penderwick…
And so when Jeffrey Tifton tore the bright red envelope open, he really had no idea what to expect. He half feared that the universe was going to explode of mankind was going to be obliterated, because this just wasn't the sort of thing that happened. Like EVER.
It wasn't until he read that caption that he could breath again. The universe wasn't ending, the human race wasn't going to be wiped out. His best friend had just found a new way to express her disapproval of the holiday of love.
Dear Jeffrey,
On average, the United States of America spends $18.6 billion on Valentine's Day. The estimated cost to make clean drinking water available to everyone on Earth is $10 billion. Enjoy your candy hearts!
XOXO,
Skye
He just smiled and set the picture of the bloody heart up on his desk. Two could play at that game…
Dear Skye,
The average number of jobs created by chocolate companies each year is 38, 794. That's a lot of people who can suddenly afford to feed their families. Have a great Valentine's Day!
Yours,
Jeffrey
The next year, it continued.
Dear Jeffrey,
On average, Americans send about 180 million valentines. That's 3,261 trees. Drive safely tonight!
XOXO,
Skye
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Dear Skye,
On average, 224 million roses are produced each year for February 14th. That's a lot of extra oxygen… Don't forget to put them in water…
Yours,
Jeffrey
And on and on it continued, year after year. Numbers were tossed back and forth, ranging from massacres to births, from affairs to kisses.
And then, one year, it was a little different. One year, he beat her to the punch.
Dear Skye,
On average, 2.16 million people get married on Valentine's Day. How about making it 2.16 million +2 this year?
Yours (if you want me…),
Jeffrey
Her response came two days later.
Dear Jeffrey,
53% of women would end their relationship if they didn't get something for Valentine's Day. Are you sure you want to take that risk?
Sincerely,
Skye
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Yes.
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Okay, then.
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Well?
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Yes!
(End.)
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