The Flaw in the Plan, a harry potter fanfic

God help me, I tried to fight off this plot-bunny for months – nay, years, even. I finally snapped tonight while struggling to stay awake (I'm on the nightshift now, gotta get used to being asleep all day and up all night, harder than you'd think). So without further ado, my interpretation of The Power The Dark Lord Knows Not.

Legalities: I own nothing, except the horrible things my mind comes up with when I read with iTunes on shuffle. Also, the familiar stuff at the beginning is copied from Ch. 37 "The Flaw in the Plan" from HP7.

God forgive me, though I totally know what I do, because I can't take it anymore.

~*~ The Battle of Hogwarts, during the Final Confrontation Between the Boy Who Lived to be Awesome and The Dark Tosser ~*~

"…Yes, I dare," said Harry. "I know things you don't know, Tom Riddle. I know lots of important things that you don't. Want to hear some, before you make another big mistake?"

Voldemort did not speak, but prowled in a circle, and Harry knew he kept him temporarily mesmerized and at bay, held back by the faintest possibility that Harry might indeed know a final secret....

"Is it love again?" said Voldemort, his snake's face jeering. "Dumbledore's favorite solution, love, which he claimed conquered death, thought love did not stop him falling from the tower and breaking like an old waxwork? Love, which did not prevent me stamping out your Mudblood mother like a cockroach, Potter – and nobody seems to love you enough to run forward this time and take my curse. So what will stop you dying now when I strike?"

"Just one thing," said Harry, and still they circled each other, wrapped in each other, held apart by nothing but the last secret.

…Suddenly, the bright sound of trumpets, guitars, and cymbals broke out, seemingly from everywhere at once. At the same time, a spark of white light flared into being above Harry's head, then wound in circles around his body, turning his utterly ruined jeans and robe into a lovely black-and-white checked dress with matching white go-go boots.

Tom's face adopted the distinct expression of a person whose brain has abruptly crashed and is attempting to restart – and failing miserably.

A wide grin slid across Harry's face and he placed his hands firmly on his hips as his launched into song.

"You can't stop an avalanche as it races down the hill! You can try to stop the seasons, girl," and here Tom, having almost recovered from Harry and his pretty dress, immediately shut down again, "but ya know you never will. And you can try to stop my dancin' feet - but I just cannot stand still!"

Harry, having walked towards Tom while obviously singing to him, quickly turned to face the crowd at large, and began dancing quite cutely in time to his song.

"'Cause the world keeps spinnin' round and round and my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound.
"I was lost 'til I heard the drums - then I found my way~"

Had anyone been able to tear their eyes away from the…uh…spectacle of Harry and his singing and dancing (and his very short dress), they might have noticed Draco Malfoy slowly straightening up from where he'd been slumped, hidden, in a corner of the Hall. His eyes began to brighten, nay, sparkle, and a similar burst of swirly white light spun around him, whisking away his battered robes and leaving him looking quite dashing in a white tuxedo. He rushed towards Harry and jumped in to sing with him.
"'Cause you can't stop the beat!" Harry looked utterly surprised and totally gratified that the sexy blond had joined in, and they began to dance together. "Ever since this old world began, a woman found out if she shook it, she could shake up a man.
"And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it the best that I can today!"

By this point, somehow unnoticed by those next to them, their enraptured crowd began to also be visited by the mysterious white light and re-dressed in formalwear similar to the dancing couple, er, duo. Every time Voldemort looked to be on the verge of regaining his senses and interrupting the beautiful duet, he would catch sight of the growing trend (which turned out less…flattering…on some than others) and begin seizing once again.

"'Cause you can't stop the motion of the ocean or the sun in the sky. You can wonder if you wanna, but I never ask why. And if you try to hold me down, I'm gonna spit in your eye and say that you can't stop the beat!" The twosome finished triumphantly and hugged, causing a howl of pain from Lucius Malfoy, who was ignored, and happy coos from Narcissa Malfoy, who found her fangirly soul mate in Molly Weasley. They clutched at each other's hands and sighed at the partners.

Meanwhile, during the musical interlude, Hermione got clothes-sparked (as the phenomenon would later come to be known) and launched into song herself.

"You can't stop a river as it rushes to the sea!"

Ron, seeing Hermione clad in her tight, sexy dress, rushed over to sing the next line in his matching suit before some idiot got any bright ideas.

"You can try and stop the hands of time, but ya know it just can't be."

Hermione, ever mindful of the many blood-purists in the room, continued in a clear, pretty voice.
"And if they try to stop us, Ron, I'll call a lawyer from the B-L-C! 'Cause the world keeps spinning round and 'round, and my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound. I was lost 'til I heard the drums - then I found my way!" Hermione grabbed Ron's hand and they rushed out to the center of the floor, continuing in unison and facing each other.

"'Cause you can't stop the beat!"

Unbeknownst to them, most of the Order, Dumbledore's Army, and the Death Eaters had all been clothes-sparked and were now arranged behind them, Harry, and Draco, dancing along and looking generally quite festive. The rest of the on-lookers were quickly being similarly attired and were swaying to the beat on the opposite side, facing them. Ron and Hermione ignored both groups and continued with their song.

"Ever since we first saw the light, a man and woman liked to shake it on a Saturday night. And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it with all my might today!"

The two then faced the swaying crowd and began to dance along (or as much as they could, since they were doing more-or-less the same steps and Hermione's dress was quite fitted).

"'Cause you can't stop the motion of the ocean or the rain from above. You can try to stop the paradise we're dreamin' of, but you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay – 'cause you can't stop the beat!" The moment they finished their stanza, the two instantaneously began sucking face.

Suddenly, who should come shimmying from behind a pile of rubble but Severus Snape, miraculously alive and clad in a fabulous red and gold floor-length gown! Upon reaching the center of the room, he snatched up the bottom of the dress, which pulled away, leaving the ensemble much sexier. He flung it away, where it caught on the immobilized Voldemort's head for a moment, before sliding off and landing on the floor in a glittering pile. Faint trails of smoke began to seep from his ears, looking quite as though someone had forced the poor Dark Lord to take a Pepper-Up Potion. Meanwhile, Severus flung his arms wide and launched into a stanza of his very own.

"You can't stop my happiness, 'cause I like me more and more. And you just can't stop my taking points when I see a Gryffindor.
"So if you don't like the way I look, well, I'll call you a whore!" Severus threw a smirk at seemingly everyone in the room, who all began to sing along with him.

"'Cause the world keeps spinning round and 'round, and my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound. I was lost 'til I heard the drums, then I found my way – 'cause you can't stop the beat!" Ron and Hermione finally paused their face-sucking and moved closer to one side of Severus and while Harry and Draco took up the opposite position. Once in place, they too began to dance and sing along.

"Ever since this old world began, a woman found out if she shook it, she could shake up a man. And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it the best that I can today!"

By this point, everyone in the castle, humans, House-Elves, ghosts, etcetera, had all been properly attired and were arrayed around the room, swaying and clapping to the beat.

At that, Severus licked his thumbs and began to shimmy once more, turning in a circle and generally working his skinny little moneymaker. At this, smoke ceased pouring from Voldemort's ears and instead, a curious gray liquid trickled from his ears and down his neck. His left eye also began to twitch.

Since Dumbledore was not able to bring this beautiful event to its inevitable conclusion, Minerva McGonagall, clad an a lovely canary-yellow gown with eye-searing red feathers at the hem and cuffs, strode confidently to the center of the room and began to belt.

"Oh, oh, oh, you can't stop today as it comes speeding down the track, child," she proclaimed, momentarily jabbing a finger at the otherwise totally ignored Dark Lord in the back of the room. "Yesterday is hist'ry and it's never coming back." She joined in with the dancing, causing everyone else to sing with her.

"'Cause tomorrow is a brand new day – " everyone trilled, cutting off momentarily, allowing Minerva to sing out alone.

"And it don't cut blood purists no slack!"

"Yeah!" the room agreed happily. They then all began to sing together again.

"'Cause the world keeps spinning round and 'round. And my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound. I was lost 'til I heard the drums – then I found my way~

"'Cause you can't stop the beat!"

Minerva then melted back into the dancing group from where she'd previously been leading, allowing everyone else to rush up and join in, their moves and voices blending beautifully.

"Ever since we first saw the light, a man and woman liked to shake it on a Saturday night. And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it with all of my might today!
"'Cause you can't stop the motion of the ocean or the rain from above. They can try to stop this paradise we're dreaming of, but you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay!
"'Cause you can't stop the beat!"

As the room reached the end of the stanza, they temporarily exchanged complicated lyrics for complicated dance moves. Partners were thrown from one person to another, swung over heads and between feet!

It was a miracle no one was injured.

"Aah, aah, aah~
"Aah, aah, aah~
"Aah, aah, aah~!"

As they prepared to sing actual words once more, everyone's feet touched the ground, just in time for the whole room to jump up in unison and launch back into lyrics.

"Ever since we first saw the sun, a man and woman like to shake it when the day is done. But we're gonna shake and shimmy it and have some fun for today!

The group surged to both sides, leaving a path down the middle for Harry, Draco, Ron, and Hermione to run from the back of the group to the front and lead the ending.

"Cause you can't stop the motion of the ocean or the rain from above!
"You can try to stop the paradise we're dreaming of!
"But you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay!

"'Cause you can't stop the beat!"

As the group moved to the final formation, their voices reached higher and higher, eventually ending up somewhere in the rafters of the enchanted ceiling.

"You can't stop the beat!!
"You can't stop the beat!!
"You can't stop the beat!!
"You can't stop the beat!!"

The group held out the last word and abandoned dancing for jumping around excitedly and exchanging high-fives. Ron and Hermione smiled and hugged each other, Draco and Harry began making out, and a mixture of confetti, glitter, and balloons dropped from the ceiling, wafting gently to the floor and getting in people's eyes.

One, or perhaps all, of these things was the last straw for Voldemort, whose head promptly exploded and got all over a group of screaming Hufflepuffs.

~*~ The End! :D ~*~

"…," said Albus Severus Potter.

"What? I told you you wouldn't be able to handle the truth of the what really happened at the Battle of Hogwarts," replied Scorpius Malfoy snidely.

"…I'm naïve, Scorp, not stupid. You can't fool me that easily!" cried Albus.

"Oh really? Then why else would the exact details of the Final Battle be so Super Top Secret unless something mind-blowingly embarrassing happened?" Scorpius shot back instantly, crossing his arms triumphantly as if there were no way Albus could counter his perfect retort.

Albus had no comeback for that, except to stare at his best friend with the look of a boy who cannot decide of the person with whom he is talking is completely full of crap or an utter lunatic. Albus rather thought Scorpius was both in equal amounts most of the time, so the expression was not new to his face. Finally, he slapped his hand over his face in resignation, then slid the hand off his face to reply.

"You know what Scorp, forget it. Doesn't your favorite team have a match today?"

Scorpius' face lit up, sufficiently distracted. "Oh yeah! The Cannons are gonna give those Harpies a thorough stuffing! Come on!"

As the blond dragged the brunet to their shared dorm room to turn on the wireless, Albus pondered silently, "...if Scorp was actually telling the truth, then that means our dads made out. That...actually explains a lot."

The End (for real this time)

A/N: Like I said, I had to get it out of my brain, and now you guys can suffer right along with me!

And some of my own personal canon slipped in there. I like to think that Draco, completely fed-up with Pureblood nonsense, never really chased after his son to make him act like a proper heir of such an old line. Also, I like to think his wife is crazy-cool. So their powers combined gives the world Scorpius Malfoy, who never met a conspiracy theory he didn't like.

…I will probably one day write a drabble depicting him meeting Ron in a store or whatever (when Scorp's, like, five, or something) and being converted to the Church of the Chudley Cannons and Draco being totally horrified. Then, years later, Ron hears from Albus that "Malfoy's son" is a Cannons fan and thinking that there really is justice in the world.

And speaking of personal canon, I'm completely convinced this is what really happened, but JKR's publisher refused to let her end it this way. Maybe they'll put it back in for the movie.

And in case you weren't sure who was supposed to be who:

Tracy = Harry

Link = Draco

Penny = Hermione

Seaweed = Ron

Edna = Severus

Motormouth = Minerva

Amber = …Voldemort XD