Always
By Keysuna
I was supposed to be doing my math homework, but instead was listening to this song (Always, by Salvia) and reading a newspaper article on James Masters. And being the totally insane perverted freak I am, came up with this little story. As always with songfics, its best to read with the song playing.
Warning: Sex and violence, please no flames.
**I hear, a voice say "Don't be so blind"
It's telling me all these things, that you would probably hide
Am I, your one and only desire
Am I the reason you breathe, or am I the reason you cry**
The vampire was new to it's demon. Born from dirt and blood, it grinned, fangs shining in the moons shafted light. It was a girl, no older then 17 years. Blonde hair that was meant to be kept up spilled around her shoulders. She still wore the black garb of the dead, but was already moving toward me in a speed the human dead did not possess. Her face was disfigured, as always, the vampire was resurrected in what Spike called his 'game face'. There was a slight pang of something that flashed through my stomach as I blocked a punch. This vampire had gotten used to it's new found abilities faster then most, of course, it was still young, and would not know how to fully manipulate them. I threw a round house kick and sent it stumbling. Spike said he would be out here, waiting for me tonight, and I let my eyes wander the graveyard. I quickly regretted that though, as the vampire recovered it's strength quickly and had already slammed me against a stone slab. The pain was hot and sharp, leaving me dizzy. It had me by the shoulders and reared it's head back to strike. Even through the demon, I recognized the face. Amber, a senior at the high school. But I didn't have time to feel sorry for her, she was already dead, I just had to finish the job. Flipping a stake into my hand, I kneed her and ducked between her legs, landing the stake in her back at the heart.
"Very nice love." The voice was Spikes. I whirled around to face him, meeting his face. It still scared me to look at him now, his soul shined through his eyes, a loss of pure innocence. The gaze was too alike of Angels, and it made my stomach clench again. I wasn't sure if I was happy or not to see him.
"Hey." My voice was raspy and plain, nothing compared to his seductive drawl. He walked over, graceful for his height and posture that was low and hunkering.
I don't think he could meet my eyes though, because he was now engrossed in his hands. "Buffy... we need to talk."
"About what?" Again my words were hoarse. I didn't want to talk, I wanted him down on me, I wanted him to use me. I wanted it, but I hated myself for it.
"Us?" It wasn't a question, yet he phrased it as one. "I want to know if there is still an us." He sighed and looked at me.
Of course there isn't an us! How can you say that? I hate you, everything about you. Nothing, not even a soul will change that. The things you did to me I can't live with myself because of it! My mind screamed at me, everything I believed about myself would fall apart again if I was with him.
"Do you want there to be an us?" He nearly jumped when I said that, and something other then pain filled those eyes, maybe it was hope. A part of me wanted to take the stake that was still in my hand and put it through his heart, slide it in and watch as he fell apart.
"Yes I do." His words were rushed and blurred. And I gave a solemn nod.
**Always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you**
The night was lit in a crescent moon glow as we entered his 'house'. I picked my way through the junk that scattered the ground until finding the hole that led to his room.
What am I doing here..?
"You going to go in love?" His voice startled me. I let myself walk down the stairs and waited for him to do the same.
He bit his lip, maybe he was as uncomfortable as I was. "Buffy, I want you, but bloody hell! Who am I fooling, you don't want me."
"Then you can have me." I stepped up to him and stared into his eyes again.
I hated him so much.
There was a brief moment of nothing, and then he was on me, ripping of my shirt, and I tearing down his pants. He forced me to the bed, as he kissed me. Falling on me as I came down first. He was in me before I realized it, and the pleasure surrounded me. It was pain in the purest sense. For now, while we moved with each other, he was alive. His rough tongue caressed my neck, battle scared hands discovering my body. The essence of him surrounded me, suffocated me, and I drank it. I nuzzled my head against his chest as he pushed into me again and again. Let my hands comb at his hair and arms wrap against his muscle tight chest. Closing my eyes and embracing both demons, his and mine, I let him take me, to whatever depths that he might desire.
**I love you, I hate you, I can't get around you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door and now I'm done with you**
I awoke to his body face beside me. He had been watching me sleeping, for who knows how long.
"Hey love." An arm, his arm, snaked across my chest, drawing me closer. I rolled toward him and let myself fill with him again. For now, I didn't care, I wanted him and I would have him.
"Spike! You here?" It was Dawns voice. I pushed Spike back, listening as she came down the stairwell. My hands clamored for the sheets, pulling them to my chest. Something was caught in my throat, I didn't want Dawn to see me like this. The fact that she had known what I was doing was bad enough, but having her walk in on us....
Dawn came into view, her hair in a half pony tail and dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. Her eyes met mind, baffled. She opened her mouth to say something, but I stopped her. "Dawn." I took a breath and watched her smile. Before I could began again, she interrupted me. "Look, I don't care what you guys are doing down here." Her eyes wandered down the length of Spikes bared chest. "But I do have a pretty good idea."
"Dawn." I warned. She put up her hands and looked at Spike. "Uh.. There's a Vampire here to see you. Xander and Willow have her locked up in the basement, they said her name was Drew something."
I let my eyes travel to Spikes, they were large and wide. "You mean Drusilla." He stood up, tying the sheet around his waist and picked up a pair of jeans.
"Dawn, I'll be out in a minute, go back out." My words were dry, but she nodded and scampered up the stairs.
Spike didn't notice, only dropped the sheet and in a rush put on the jeans. Caustically, I withdrew from the bed and came over to him. Neither of us spoke, only dressed in an uncomfortable silence. At last he threw on his coat, but didn't move toward the stairs.
"What are you going to do with her?" He asked. I could see the worry in his eyes.
I took a breath before speaking. "Kill her."
He stopped cold and his brows furrowed. Without saying anything he rushed up the stairs, disappearing before I could gather myself enough to digest the silence response he had given me.
I finished buttoning my shirt and ran up to the light, where Dawn was sitting on Spikes couch.
"He left a couple of minutes ago, said that he'd meet us at the house." She picked herself up off the bed and started off outside, but I grabbed her arm.
She seemed astonished that I had hurt her, which I really didn't mean to, I loosened my grip. "Dawn, don't tell anyone about this." And again I was met with a blank stare. "Please." I added. She cautiously nodded.
**Done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you**
The car ride home was silent, I drove as fast as I could. The way Spike responded to Drusilla's name, right after we had.. I shook my head as I made a right turn. He says he loves me, that he's hopelessly devoted to me, but at the moment I knew that I was only a substitute for his beloved Drusilla.
And you aren't just fucking Spike because you miss Angel. A part of my mind chided. My foot hit the brake without meaning to and Dawn shot me a confused a look.
"Sorry." I managed to gasp. Dawn smiled and went back to gazing out the window.
**I feel, like you don't want me around
I guess I'll pack all my things, I guess I'll see you around
Its all, been bottled up until now
As I walk out your door, all I can hear is the sound of**
I slammed the car door and rushed to the house. Dawn was just taking off her seat belt. My first reaction was to kick down the door, but the expense ran through my head and instead I used the doorknob, nearly ripping it off I the process. I ran up to the stairs first, I had to grab a stake or a knife or something. But before I reached my door I slammed into Willow.
"Buffy!" She stumbled a way's back from the force but didn't give me time to apologize. "Drusilla's here, she's in the basement with Xander and-
"Spike" I finished for her, opening the door to my room and grabbing a stake that was conveniently on my dresser. Before she had a time to respond I shot passed her and ran down the stairs.
**Always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you**
He loves her, more then he loves me. I thought as I came to the basement door. Dru was the only reason he helped me with kill Angelus and the only reason he hasn't killed himself yet. He pretended to love me, to want me, and I fell into that, I loved him because I thought it was true.
**I love you, I hate you, I can't get around you
breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door and now I'm done with you**
Just as I was about to turn the knob, the door opened on it's own, hitting me in the nose.
"Buff?" Xander said, still holding the door. "Sorry, I didn't know you were there."
I bit my lip and held my left hand to my nose.
"It's OK." I drew my hand back and saw blood. "Is Spike down there?"
"Yeah," Xander took a shaky breath. "When he saw Drusilla he flipped and went all vampire, told me to get the hell out." He shrugged. "You sure I didn't hurt you?"
**I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you**
I ran down the stairs, Xander's words still echoing in my head.
**I wrapped my head around your heart
Why would you tear my world apart?**
I hated Spike, everything about him. He was my symbol for evil, and you don't lust after evil. Spike would never really loved me, I wasn't demon enough for him. I wasn't demon enough for Angel either.
**Always... always... always... always...**
My shoes clanked against the steps as I ran as I realized that maybe the reason things hadn't worked out for me and Riley was because he hadn't been demon enough for me. That thought chilled me, but I didn't have time to ponder it as I had jumped the last step and readied the stake in my hand.
**I see, the blood all over your hands
Does it make you feel, more like a man?
Was it all, just a part of your plan
The pistols shaking in my hands and all I hear is the sound**
There were ropes scattered on the floor near a toppled chair. In the shafted light I could see Spike in a passionate display of affection with a girl who's back was to me, though it didn't leave much to the imagination to figure out who it was. Drusilla groped at Spikes back and Spike combed at her hair, the same fashion he had done mine. I didn't have energy to move, I was too busy being... envois? I was about to turn and leave, if Spike wanted Drusilla, then he could have her. Spike removed a stake from the depths of his coat and griped it at his thigh. Forcing her away, he whispered something in her ear and drove the stake through her heart. As she dissolved he saw me through the dust and the faint color he had flushed from his face.
**I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door and now I'm done with you**
"Buffy.." He started, but couldn't find the words to finish.
"I don't want to hear it Spike." I shook my head and my eyes wandered toward the stake still in my grip.
"You don't understand, I can explain." Again he tried to pull together the words. "I... love you, not Drusilla, not anyone. Your what I want Buffy."
I came up to him in a speed that I didn't even know I could manage. The stake came to his heart and my eyes burned into his. "I find that hard to believe."
He didn't speak, only moved his hand over to mind and forced it down. "I love you Buffy."
The innocence and loss that burned from him was so blinding it hurt. I wrapped an arm around the back of his neck and kissed him. Striped of common sense and knowledge I let the lust and passion take over. He responded in kind. I tore his coat off and flung it across the room, his shirt tore easily, falling to his feet. Now I could see chest and muscles, not his eyes. I ran my tongue along the length of him and felt him bring us both down.
"I hate you." I whispered in his ear as he came into me.
**I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude
I pick myself off the floor and now I'm done with you**
When I woke up he wasn't there. I was alone, bare on the cement floor. My eyes looked down, he had fucked me on the ashes of Drusilla. I felt like throwing up. When I finally got up and dressed, I found Willow, Xander and Dawn watching TV. I'm sure they knew what had happened down there, but they also knew that I was not in the mood to talk about it.
"Drusilla's dead." I said simply, heading up my room.
"Is Spike still down there?" Dawn asked, curled up beside Xander. I paused on the top step.
"No, he wasn't there when I woke- no, he's not there." Willow shot a worried look to me.
Slowly we made our way to the basement. It reeked of sex. In the middle of the room lay Drusilla's dust, and in far right corner, another column of ashes.
"Spike?" Dawn gasped, trying to get my recognition.
I didn't trust myself enough to say anything.
"Buffy!" Dawn was sobbing now, clutching at my hand. Willow and Xander stood uneasily.
I solemnly nodded and felt a tear roll down my cheek.
**Always... always... always...**
Please don't flame me for killing off Spike. I love Spike, but he just had to die in this fic.
Hope you enjoyed the story and don't forget to review!
I was supposed to be doing my math homework, but instead was listening to this song (Always, by Salvia) and reading a newspaper article on James Masters. And being the totally insane perverted freak I am, came up with this little story. As always with songfics, its best to read with the song playing.
Warning: Sex and violence, please no flames.
**I hear, a voice say "Don't be so blind"
It's telling me all these things, that you would probably hide
Am I, your one and only desire
Am I the reason you breathe, or am I the reason you cry**
The vampire was new to it's demon. Born from dirt and blood, it grinned, fangs shining in the moons shafted light. It was a girl, no older then 17 years. Blonde hair that was meant to be kept up spilled around her shoulders. She still wore the black garb of the dead, but was already moving toward me in a speed the human dead did not possess. Her face was disfigured, as always, the vampire was resurrected in what Spike called his 'game face'. There was a slight pang of something that flashed through my stomach as I blocked a punch. This vampire had gotten used to it's new found abilities faster then most, of course, it was still young, and would not know how to fully manipulate them. I threw a round house kick and sent it stumbling. Spike said he would be out here, waiting for me tonight, and I let my eyes wander the graveyard. I quickly regretted that though, as the vampire recovered it's strength quickly and had already slammed me against a stone slab. The pain was hot and sharp, leaving me dizzy. It had me by the shoulders and reared it's head back to strike. Even through the demon, I recognized the face. Amber, a senior at the high school. But I didn't have time to feel sorry for her, she was already dead, I just had to finish the job. Flipping a stake into my hand, I kneed her and ducked between her legs, landing the stake in her back at the heart.
"Very nice love." The voice was Spikes. I whirled around to face him, meeting his face. It still scared me to look at him now, his soul shined through his eyes, a loss of pure innocence. The gaze was too alike of Angels, and it made my stomach clench again. I wasn't sure if I was happy or not to see him.
"Hey." My voice was raspy and plain, nothing compared to his seductive drawl. He walked over, graceful for his height and posture that was low and hunkering.
I don't think he could meet my eyes though, because he was now engrossed in his hands. "Buffy... we need to talk."
"About what?" Again my words were hoarse. I didn't want to talk, I wanted him down on me, I wanted him to use me. I wanted it, but I hated myself for it.
"Us?" It wasn't a question, yet he phrased it as one. "I want to know if there is still an us." He sighed and looked at me.
Of course there isn't an us! How can you say that? I hate you, everything about you. Nothing, not even a soul will change that. The things you did to me I can't live with myself because of it! My mind screamed at me, everything I believed about myself would fall apart again if I was with him.
"Do you want there to be an us?" He nearly jumped when I said that, and something other then pain filled those eyes, maybe it was hope. A part of me wanted to take the stake that was still in my hand and put it through his heart, slide it in and watch as he fell apart.
"Yes I do." His words were rushed and blurred. And I gave a solemn nod.
**Always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you**
The night was lit in a crescent moon glow as we entered his 'house'. I picked my way through the junk that scattered the ground until finding the hole that led to his room.
What am I doing here..?
"You going to go in love?" His voice startled me. I let myself walk down the stairs and waited for him to do the same.
He bit his lip, maybe he was as uncomfortable as I was. "Buffy, I want you, but bloody hell! Who am I fooling, you don't want me."
"Then you can have me." I stepped up to him and stared into his eyes again.
I hated him so much.
There was a brief moment of nothing, and then he was on me, ripping of my shirt, and I tearing down his pants. He forced me to the bed, as he kissed me. Falling on me as I came down first. He was in me before I realized it, and the pleasure surrounded me. It was pain in the purest sense. For now, while we moved with each other, he was alive. His rough tongue caressed my neck, battle scared hands discovering my body. The essence of him surrounded me, suffocated me, and I drank it. I nuzzled my head against his chest as he pushed into me again and again. Let my hands comb at his hair and arms wrap against his muscle tight chest. Closing my eyes and embracing both demons, his and mine, I let him take me, to whatever depths that he might desire.
**I love you, I hate you, I can't get around you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door and now I'm done with you**
I awoke to his body face beside me. He had been watching me sleeping, for who knows how long.
"Hey love." An arm, his arm, snaked across my chest, drawing me closer. I rolled toward him and let myself fill with him again. For now, I didn't care, I wanted him and I would have him.
"Spike! You here?" It was Dawns voice. I pushed Spike back, listening as she came down the stairwell. My hands clamored for the sheets, pulling them to my chest. Something was caught in my throat, I didn't want Dawn to see me like this. The fact that she had known what I was doing was bad enough, but having her walk in on us....
Dawn came into view, her hair in a half pony tail and dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. Her eyes met mind, baffled. She opened her mouth to say something, but I stopped her. "Dawn." I took a breath and watched her smile. Before I could began again, she interrupted me. "Look, I don't care what you guys are doing down here." Her eyes wandered down the length of Spikes bared chest. "But I do have a pretty good idea."
"Dawn." I warned. She put up her hands and looked at Spike. "Uh.. There's a Vampire here to see you. Xander and Willow have her locked up in the basement, they said her name was Drew something."
I let my eyes travel to Spikes, they were large and wide. "You mean Drusilla." He stood up, tying the sheet around his waist and picked up a pair of jeans.
"Dawn, I'll be out in a minute, go back out." My words were dry, but she nodded and scampered up the stairs.
Spike didn't notice, only dropped the sheet and in a rush put on the jeans. Caustically, I withdrew from the bed and came over to him. Neither of us spoke, only dressed in an uncomfortable silence. At last he threw on his coat, but didn't move toward the stairs.
"What are you going to do with her?" He asked. I could see the worry in his eyes.
I took a breath before speaking. "Kill her."
He stopped cold and his brows furrowed. Without saying anything he rushed up the stairs, disappearing before I could gather myself enough to digest the silence response he had given me.
I finished buttoning my shirt and ran up to the light, where Dawn was sitting on Spikes couch.
"He left a couple of minutes ago, said that he'd meet us at the house." She picked herself up off the bed and started off outside, but I grabbed her arm.
She seemed astonished that I had hurt her, which I really didn't mean to, I loosened my grip. "Dawn, don't tell anyone about this." And again I was met with a blank stare. "Please." I added. She cautiously nodded.
**Done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you**
The car ride home was silent, I drove as fast as I could. The way Spike responded to Drusilla's name, right after we had.. I shook my head as I made a right turn. He says he loves me, that he's hopelessly devoted to me, but at the moment I knew that I was only a substitute for his beloved Drusilla.
And you aren't just fucking Spike because you miss Angel. A part of my mind chided. My foot hit the brake without meaning to and Dawn shot me a confused a look.
"Sorry." I managed to gasp. Dawn smiled and went back to gazing out the window.
**I feel, like you don't want me around
I guess I'll pack all my things, I guess I'll see you around
Its all, been bottled up until now
As I walk out your door, all I can hear is the sound of**
I slammed the car door and rushed to the house. Dawn was just taking off her seat belt. My first reaction was to kick down the door, but the expense ran through my head and instead I used the doorknob, nearly ripping it off I the process. I ran up to the stairs first, I had to grab a stake or a knife or something. But before I reached my door I slammed into Willow.
"Buffy!" She stumbled a way's back from the force but didn't give me time to apologize. "Drusilla's here, she's in the basement with Xander and-
"Spike" I finished for her, opening the door to my room and grabbing a stake that was conveniently on my dresser. Before she had a time to respond I shot passed her and ran down the stairs.
**Always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you**
He loves her, more then he loves me. I thought as I came to the basement door. Dru was the only reason he helped me with kill Angelus and the only reason he hasn't killed himself yet. He pretended to love me, to want me, and I fell into that, I loved him because I thought it was true.
**I love you, I hate you, I can't get around you
breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door and now I'm done with you**
Just as I was about to turn the knob, the door opened on it's own, hitting me in the nose.
"Buff?" Xander said, still holding the door. "Sorry, I didn't know you were there."
I bit my lip and held my left hand to my nose.
"It's OK." I drew my hand back and saw blood. "Is Spike down there?"
"Yeah," Xander took a shaky breath. "When he saw Drusilla he flipped and went all vampire, told me to get the hell out." He shrugged. "You sure I didn't hurt you?"
**I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you**
I ran down the stairs, Xander's words still echoing in my head.
**I wrapped my head around your heart
Why would you tear my world apart?**
I hated Spike, everything about him. He was my symbol for evil, and you don't lust after evil. Spike would never really loved me, I wasn't demon enough for him. I wasn't demon enough for Angel either.
**Always... always... always... always...**
My shoes clanked against the steps as I ran as I realized that maybe the reason things hadn't worked out for me and Riley was because he hadn't been demon enough for me. That thought chilled me, but I didn't have time to ponder it as I had jumped the last step and readied the stake in my hand.
**I see, the blood all over your hands
Does it make you feel, more like a man?
Was it all, just a part of your plan
The pistols shaking in my hands and all I hear is the sound**
There were ropes scattered on the floor near a toppled chair. In the shafted light I could see Spike in a passionate display of affection with a girl who's back was to me, though it didn't leave much to the imagination to figure out who it was. Drusilla groped at Spikes back and Spike combed at her hair, the same fashion he had done mine. I didn't have energy to move, I was too busy being... envois? I was about to turn and leave, if Spike wanted Drusilla, then he could have her. Spike removed a stake from the depths of his coat and griped it at his thigh. Forcing her away, he whispered something in her ear and drove the stake through her heart. As she dissolved he saw me through the dust and the faint color he had flushed from his face.
**I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door and now I'm done with you**
"Buffy.." He started, but couldn't find the words to finish.
"I don't want to hear it Spike." I shook my head and my eyes wandered toward the stake still in my grip.
"You don't understand, I can explain." Again he tried to pull together the words. "I... love you, not Drusilla, not anyone. Your what I want Buffy."
I came up to him in a speed that I didn't even know I could manage. The stake came to his heart and my eyes burned into his. "I find that hard to believe."
He didn't speak, only moved his hand over to mind and forced it down. "I love you Buffy."
The innocence and loss that burned from him was so blinding it hurt. I wrapped an arm around the back of his neck and kissed him. Striped of common sense and knowledge I let the lust and passion take over. He responded in kind. I tore his coat off and flung it across the room, his shirt tore easily, falling to his feet. Now I could see chest and muscles, not his eyes. I ran my tongue along the length of him and felt him bring us both down.
"I hate you." I whispered in his ear as he came into me.
**I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude
I pick myself off the floor and now I'm done with you**
When I woke up he wasn't there. I was alone, bare on the cement floor. My eyes looked down, he had fucked me on the ashes of Drusilla. I felt like throwing up. When I finally got up and dressed, I found Willow, Xander and Dawn watching TV. I'm sure they knew what had happened down there, but they also knew that I was not in the mood to talk about it.
"Drusilla's dead." I said simply, heading up my room.
"Is Spike still down there?" Dawn asked, curled up beside Xander. I paused on the top step.
"No, he wasn't there when I woke- no, he's not there." Willow shot a worried look to me.
Slowly we made our way to the basement. It reeked of sex. In the middle of the room lay Drusilla's dust, and in far right corner, another column of ashes.
"Spike?" Dawn gasped, trying to get my recognition.
I didn't trust myself enough to say anything.
"Buffy!" Dawn was sobbing now, clutching at my hand. Willow and Xander stood uneasily.
I solemnly nodded and felt a tear roll down my cheek.
**Always... always... always...**
Please don't flame me for killing off Spike. I love Spike, but he just had to die in this fic.
Hope you enjoyed the story and don't forget to review!