A/N: Written as a Yuletide 2017 exchange gift for Jougetsu.
-()-
The one curse and blessing in life for a twin was to understand when it was too late. She had known the exact moment that her world had ended, and she had ran, tripping and scraping her knee on the way, knowing that the person she had decided to believe in had betrayed every ounce of trust she had given.
It could have been like any other day. Subaru was always out at odd hours of the day or night. They didn't share an apartment and Hokuto tried not to be that nosy into his affairs when he might be dog-tired from running this way and that in the city. So Hokuto hadn't heard him not come home. Sometimes she knew that he had to be left alone. If she didn't, he would get worried, and he would get even more worried than her, and it was never a good recipe.
But Hokuto wasn't that simple-minded.
A sixth sense, they called it. Was it called sibling intuition, or twin telepathy? Did it actually matter?
Subaru had resigned himself to death.
-()-
Hokuto wasn't sleeping. She couldn't have slept if she wanted to. Her heart beat too fast, a headache came on, and she was anxious and terrified.
Imagine the proud Sumeragi Hokuto anxious.
She left the apartment door ajar and, before she had known it, Tokyo's lights were blinding her as she ran to the park. She vaguely remembered barreling into a train. Only the sound of her footsteps pounded in her ears as she found where they had to be and why was she slow when she knew it must be over.
In the dead of night, nightmares were the least issue.
She crashed into a bench and held onto the wooden back for dear life. She looked up, gasping for air.
His body was slain and slumped over next to the cherry blossom tree down the path, bleeding out by where his heart should have been, eyes dead and dull and downcast in that way she abhorred.
She had hoped things would escalate in the right direction. She had hoped common ground to tread on would have been found between them.
Hokuto hadn't known everything but she had known Seishirou was someone trustworthy in one vein and selfish on the other. Trust was all she could have given because, no matter how much time she devoted to together, a relationship was solely their commitment. But her effort was in shambles, butchered like her brother's life before her.
Hokuto didn't have either of them.
They were both gone, forever.
Everything in her whole body gave and she couldn't see straight anymore. She pushed herself until she was next to his lifeless and fell to her knees. She was out of breath and her heart felt like it would burst from her chest with him. Numbness settled in and she didn't know if she was alive, either.
It took all of her willpower to scoot closer. The blood was not warm, and she couldn't tell how long ago it had happened. All she knew was that she had failed him in a way that would never be unforgivable.
"Subaru, it's my fault," she whispered with a hitch, hugging his rapidly growing cold body. Her clothes were muddied with swaths of blood from her own knee to the river pooling out from the gaping hole.
Everything was red and cold and the end of what she loved. The cherry blossoms were sharp blades under her knees. Subaru did not move, and she lost the largest piece of herself in his sacrifice.
-()-
Hokuto entertained the thought that she should find him. But the silly kitchen knife she had promised to cut his throat with was too weak a punishment.
Obviously, he was stronger than her, and surely he didn't have to worry about her hurting him if he could dodge her altogether. But the urge to try visited her frequently. Hokuto wanted to run out into the night,. Any dark figure she saw running across the rooftops or disappearing in alleyways, she wanted to jump at and… and… she didn't know if there were words for what she wanted to do to him. But the hole in her heart that been slashed open wanted blood to fill it, because it wouldn't be filled by anything else.
The dark thoughts desperately scared her.
Once, she had trusted him like an older brother.
In her entire life, she had never felt like a volcano about to erupt, swallowed by white-hot rage.
She wondered what Subaru would be like if he were there instead of her. It should have been her, but it wasn't. If it had been her, dying without regrets was her wish. But it wasn't clean-cut. Nothing may have stopped the path fate had been hurdling down.
-()-
The wind blew her hair. She stood next to their family's grave. She put her hands together to pray and stood, thinking, imagining her brother's face.
On some nights, Hokuto's understanding of Subaru's cases had been limited in certain ways. She had not known why people went to such extremes and hurt others. It went over her head.
Suddenly, the reason people were so wrapped up in their own tragedy and couldn't see why other people suffered was crystal clear. This is why people took matters into their own hands without consulting anyone. They wanted to do something themselves whether it was right or wrong. They didn't want someone else to take that glory away from them. It was what made them feel alive after the horror.
But Hokuto was different. She couldn't be that foolish and risk her life after Subaru had given his, because she knew that would devastate the people around her, including her grandmother.
Had Subaru considered what would become of her? Or had Seishirou been that important to him that nothing else mattered but their rose-tined view of each other and that narrow vision of reality?
She let the prayer speak for her.
-()-
The key shook in her hand. She didn't want to open the door, because on the other side was her past.
It wasn't even that the room would be too much like Subaru. The apartment was too clean. When he had been busy, Subaru had barely made it look lived-in. He hadn't made much food or decorated much, which were strikes against him for homeliness.
But he would invite her in with open arms and let her do whatever she wanted. They had shared meals, but she was usually the one who cooked them. Subaru had recently started to get a hang of making simple meals for himself at a decent time.
Hokuto steeled herself, bracing for whatever she would see. She nudged the key in the slot and dug in. Her hand gripped the knob and she pushed it in.
The door creaked as it slowly opened inward. Her heart beat faster, and she barely wanted to look.
Briefly, she wondered if she would see his ghost on the other side. A part of her hoped she would see him waiting for her and Hokuto could ask him a barrage of questions. She wanted to see him…
It would be wish fulfillment of the highest order. It would be better than seeing nothing. Or would it?
It would be selfish, wouldn't it? Her eyes squeezed shut for a moment. He should be happy in the afterlife, waiting for her to arrive. She wouldn't be with him for a long time to come. All the same…
Yes, for this precise reason, she had been avoiding his apartment for the last three weeks straight.
Grandmother had wanted to have this place cleaned out. Hokuto had refused to let them in. If she didn't go in, nobody else should go in until she did. She could keep the illusion that Subaru was here. What else was she supposed to do when the other half of her life was gone? She wanted to be the one who touched Subaru's things first and decided what should be done. It was the least she could do.
The air was empty around her. Hokuto couldn't convince herself that her high hopes were real.
The curtains were drawn. Moonlight poured in through the window and blanketed the carpet with a white sheen. Nobody was there to warm up the atmosphere for her, and no lights were on. Hokuto reached for the light switch. Shakily, feet feeling like lead, she kicked off her shoes and stepped in.
The light hit her eyes on the way in and blinded her. In respect, her apartment had been dim moments before, because she had been sewing wings on her newest shirt. She hoped it would fly her somewhere, far away where Seishirou had taken Subaru and left him. It was childish after the tragedy she had caused, but hadn't she always made such outfits?
But it was peculiar—she couldn't even envision the outfit's color now that it was out of her sight.
All that mattered was being in the here and now, and she wanted to be immersed in the final bits of what had been her brother's last time at his home.
Dust had collected on the surface of the withering, prickly plant in the corner of the main room. The shelves that held Subaru's books in the living room had collected an impossible amount of dust for three simple weeks to Hokuto. Some of the books had been knocked over on the floor, and one of the tomes was pages-down, spine-up on the ground.
Despite herself, Hokuto bent over and picked the lonely tome up first, placing it back on the shelf where it had belonged. She guessed it didn't matter much what he may have been reading about. She knew Subaru had kept the books in a certain orderly fashion based on their content. But nothing had quite been perfectly in order. Spells, curses, healing books, that one cook book she had given him as a present after they moved to Tokyo, and books in heavy discourse she didn't understand. When she marveled on it for even the hundredth time, Subaru's specialty on such matters had been unparalleled.
Hokuto shot the rest of the askew books a once-over. She pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing.
Next, she wandered to the kitchen. She looked at the bar where she served Subaru and Seishirou meals; she would lean over and watch them both eat her cooking. Seishirou would serve, too, and she remembered staring up at his smiling face as he handed her a plate of homemade curry rice or sweets or some other delicious food they liked.
The memory of it created a sour taste in her mouth.
Despite the dust that had collected in here, too, the kitchenette was more or less spotless. There were no areas were even tea had been spilled, or no unwashed dishes. At the very least, Subaru had left wrappings from train station bento on the counter.
The familiar annoyance flared up within her, but she had to let it cool itself down. It was better than the instant ramen cups she had walked in months ago.
… she would never get angry that she had to remind him to eat properly again and not skip meals….
Hokuto opened the refrigerator. She didn't expect to see much inside of it. She was proved right. There were leftover convenience store breads, sushi, rice, milk… it wasn't enough to write home about. Had he been low at the time, or had she forgotten to help him go shopping that day? Even walking to the grocery store would have been a way for them to spend time together if she had thought ahead.
No, she couldn't blame herself. She had come here on a mission, and she didn't want to fall into the dark what-if I-had-done-that-or-this all over again.
On the bottom shelf, she saw the worst offender. A half-eaten cake sat undisturbed. It was velvet cake with strawberries and a mountain of cream on top.
Her blood ran cold at the sight of it. Subaru wouldn't eat that unprompted, but she knew exactly how it would have wormed its way into his refrigerator without worry. The white box around it was the only thing that kept it safe in such innocent wrapping.
Hokuto looked at the cake with a mixture of disgust and fury. The urge to throw it on the floor and revel in it splattering on the floor was too strong, or she could punch it and destroy it in one fell swoop.
Watch it smashed under her hand.
It made her sick to her stomach.
The red of the rich velvet… blood….
Subaru's body had been so cold, so lifeless…
Hokuto picked the cake up, gingerly. She walked it over to the trash can and dropped it in. The box hitting the trash can's metal was satisfying although not everything that would give her pure gratification.
But what was important was that she hadn't let go of herself. It was okay. She still had control over herself.
White-hot fire still blazed through her veins.
Hokuto kicked the edge of a table chair. Pain bloomed in her foot, and she stomped down. She didn't regret it. It hurt, being here hurt. At least it was pain that she could stand. It was pain she had created for herself. Why had it come to this…
After this, Hokuto felt drained. For a moment, she slumped into the chair and. She snuggled her head between her arms on the table. She didn't know if she had the energy to keep going. It was a job too big for her alone and she would need help. But… she wanted to commit it all to memory the way it was preserved. Her memories and dreams may fade, but they would still be filled with life within her soul.
That was the motivation that propelled her to get back up. She couldn't stay like that forever.
Subaru was gone, but he needed someone to preserve his memories, no matter how difficult that task might be. Overcoming the intrusive cake had been her first obstacle. She didn't know how much of Seishirou remained here, but she knew there had to be more of her here in traces than he ever could be. Hokuto was something to Subaru that Seishirou could have never hoped to achieve in his life.
Shakily, she pushed herself up to a standing position, floor creaking under her weight. Hokuto felt highly aware of the apartment at large but she couldn't stop now. Taking a deep breath she left the kitchenette and walked down the hallway to his room.
Each step was heavier and heavier on her. She lifted her feet, but they refused to move properly. She had to stomp forward to make her herself gain traction. Subaru's door was luckily ajar, or else she would have to expend more energy than she had.
Subaru's bedroom was less tidy than his living room. The duvet was set aside to show the right-hand side of the bed where he must have gotten out on his last day alive. The clock on the floor blinked up at her in red letters. Several papers were scattered across his desk except they were organized in folders.
To her dismay, however, she was appalled to see the state of his wardrobe. The closet was open halfway. Clothes were gathered at the bottom of the closet, and a blue hat she had made for him stood atop the pile. A red shirt sleeve hung out of the closet further up. She couldn't stop herself from walking over to open the closet door and saving at least the hat from its misery. She placed it on the shelf next to her other beautiful creations.
Even at a moment like this, she was astounded that him not taking care of his clothes filled her with a mixture of amusement and horrorstruck awe. She couldn't snub it—that was just who she was. His room hadn't always been this messy. What was he doing the last time he had been here? Why?
"Subaru!" It wasn't even the clothes that caused her distress. She had no idea what to think of all the things she had missed about him, or what she should have helped him with in his time of need…
Clutching at her heart, she winced. She would take care of that later like she would everything else. Hokuto didn't even know what to do with his clothes; she had created them special, homemade for her baby brother. They weren't for another else's body. Easily, she could wear them herself. Doing that would be her best option if she wanted a reminder.
Clothes weren't just inanimate objects to her. Those clothes were symbols of her expression and care, manifestation of her love and appreciation. They weren't meant to be forgotten or discarded.
Stepping back, she at first thought she stepped on another shirt. Really, had he gone through his clothes in that much of a hurry? Hokuto started to bend to pick it up. She stopped in her tracks.
Hokuto's eyes widened. The gloves that Subaru had worn for several years peeked out from underneath the tip of her blue sock, the fingers splayed out.
She had a moment of déjà vu. All the times she would yell at him that he didn't have to wear those gloves. The times she had wanted him to wear different gloves to match her latest outfit. She had only seen his hands as a child and no older, so to see his gloves unattended and forgotten was something that chilled her down to the bones.
But the reason he had worn those gloves…
Scooping it up in her hand, she examined it. The leather was worn, and a small hole had poked its way into the side of the finger. Of course Subaru had worn different gloves during the years when one pair was ripped. But their grandmother had always insisted they had to be the same drab old black.
"For so long, I made him wear those gloves," Lady Sumeragi told her with a bowed head. Hokuto had her back to her; she couldn't look at her face after the funeral. The sunlight made her eyes sting from the heat. Just so he could hide from the Saku—
Before she registered it, the glove was stretched to its limits. The fabric bent and wheeled in her hand as she twisted in back and forth. She didn't know what came over her. Glimpses of white and pink and fear gripped at her chest at the same time and refused to release. The glove tore at the side just a little bit, but the low, rumbling rip was enough to wake her out of her need to tear the glove in half. She firmly cradled the gloves in her grip and dug her fingers into them.
The glove what had made Subaru hide a piece of himself from the world, and the reason he had felt so attached to that man. They had meant so many things in a moment from ages and ages ago…
And she wanted to be done with that time.
Hokuto didn't hesitate like she had with the cake. She stormed to Subaru's window. She struggled to open it, but when she did, she tossed the gloves out into the Tokyo skyline. She watched them take flight and align to the sweet afternoon breeze.
The glove fell like broken wings out of the window. The fingers waved in the wind like a stranger on the street that she would never see again in her lifetime. They soared through the air, twisting and sailing and breaking apart from each other in the small journey, plummeting downward towards the street below.
Hokuto watched the street even after the gloves disappeared into the thick of the crowd.
The darkness was still there. A light had emerged in the back of that tunnel and started to move forward.
-()-
One thing that shocked Hokuto after Subaru's death was that she able to get along with her grandmother. Of course it was an exaggeration that they viciously constantly fought each other, although things had heated up after Lady Sumeragi had realized the extent to which Subaru and Hokuto had invited the Sakurazukamori to partake into their lives.
But they were both just fairly opinionated people who didn't mind debate every now and then.
Hokuto hadn't not gotten along with her. Even the arguments dissipated after a while, Hokuto had always been the rule breaker and she hadn't conformed to all family customs. She most certainly had not adhered to ignoring the Sakurazukamori or leaving matters of courtship to the clan. Lady Sumeragi would have found Subaru a lovely woman for a business-like marriage without failure.
Still, she found it… easier to talk to her, now. She wanted to talk about Subaru but talking to Lady Sumreagi made her think about what was best for Subaru's sake, despite the anger it caused her.
One thing was difficult, however. She saw the moments when her grandmother looked at her and her eyes would cross because she wasn't thinking about her at all. Hokuto didn't mind, though it hurt to realize the true feelings she had deep down. Subaru had just been more important to the clan's grand scheme of survival than Hokuto had ever been.
In fact, Hokuto thought of all the times that Subaru and she had played as children. She thought of the times their grandmother would coming scolding them for not training harder, or the times she had told her that she eventually would unlock her powers with a little more practice that had never come to fruition. She had tried so hard and it still hadn't been enough for lineage to give her the power to save the people she loved. If she had tried harder, would she have become the head of the clan and saved Subaru? Could this have been prevented that long ago as mere children who hadn't made their mark on the world yet? Isn't that what the Sakurazukamori did, eliminate those who could devastate Tokyo?
Is that what she had done—in her own way, had she slipped through the cracks and ignited this fate?
Hokuto left Subaru's apartment alone for a while. She allowed her emotions from that to calm down; she still had so many questions but no answers.
So, when she received a call from Lady Sumeragi to return to Kyoto for a mandatory face-to-face meeting, she didn't know if it was for keeping the apartment ransom or moving on with their lives. Hokuto still didn't know if she could move on even though she had little by little for the last several weeks.
When she thought about it, it was odd that Lady Sumeragi didn't demand she didn't move on faster. Perhaps she was giving her time to cope.
The entire train ride was spent in silence. She stared out at the quickly vanishing landscape of wires and metal and wooden houses. Mt. Fuji's misty peaks stood tall from the distance outside the window, and she couldn't help but think her future was like that—so close, yet so far and covered by a thick fog.
Visiting home was different. She was sure that they pitied her for what she did. Hokuto wasn't able to look them in the eye properly. In time she would. Just to be home when Subaru would never be was… It was surreal, foreign. She truly…
And the first moment she saw Lady Sumeragi since the funeral, Hokuto inhaled slightly. Loose white strands fell out of her neat bun, the wrinkles on her face seemed to have sunk deeper, and she looked haggard. The emotional aspect of her change was more in presentation than her face actually showed; it was the way she held herself, soul crushed.
Lady Sumeragi had long-time family servants who were loyal to her and helped her, but Hokuto was the one to push her in the wheelchair to her place in the room. It was strange that the defiance she had showed her before turned into familial need to be closer to her. She had the rest of her clan, her father and mother even (who she had neglected to talk to even more than she also cared to admit)—but their grandmother had been one pillar of light despite the times she hadn't talked to her. And now in this, they shared the bittersweet aftertaste of her failures.
The weight of the upcoming conversation wasn't lost on Hokuto. She knelt in front of her on the seiza, folding her hands in her lap. She wanted to say a hundred things, scream a thousand, and wish for a million, but she didn't know what would make the world forgive her under Lady's Sumeragi's scrutiny.
"Hokuto-san," Lady Sumeragi finally asked after a long pause, "do you know why you're here?"
To be punished, to be told she was incompetent—
"I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve anything but to have the world fall on me," she replied, and the waver in her voice happened without her consent. Hokuto didn't bother biting it back.
Subaru should be here, not her.
Lady Sumeragi's frowned. She seemed deep in thought for a moment, shaking her head.
"I'll skip right to the point, then," Lady Sumeragi told her. She put her hands together and Hokuto shut her eyes."I want you become the 14th Sumeragi head." Her tone was flat and no-nonsense. Though she sounded tired down to the core of her being, there wasn't disapproval or resentment in it.
Taken aback, Hokuto's eyes snapped open. She blinked, bemused, thinking she heard incorrectly.
"I cannot," Hokuto told her. The words hurt on the way out. She had always wanted to say she could take up clan dutities just to lessen burden on Subaru. But she wasn't qualified and this wasn't the time to fool themselves; they both knew her strengths and weaknesses. She folded her hands tighter in her lap. "I don't… think I have the talents to be the head."
"Hokuto-san—"
"I'm serious! I can't do what you're of asking me!" Her voice cracked, and the well of tears sprung to her eyes. She held her head higher instead of giving into the instinct to look down at the ground.
Her proud, a leader, the person that met strangers on the street and made friends with them… Having to clarify that she didn't have the talent for something this important was the worst.
She knew that her grandmother was sizing her up. But not in that strict way she used to, and she found that another thing that had been stripped away from her. After the confrontation with Seishirou, she had lost many things herself in the way she wanted others to see her. She wondered why it was in these fleeting moments that she recognized more about herself than she used to. She really was wrapped up in her own grief to notice others these days.
"The simple fact of the matter is," Lady Sumeragi told her, "there isn't anyone who can replace you. We need a strong leader, someone that can lead this clan no matter the abilities you have or lack. You might not have his abilities but you can still be the rock that the clan need to lean on at this time."
It didn't mean much to her to be asked such a thing. Hokuto couldn't imagine a place or time where a Sumeragi head didn't have onmyouji powers that could cleanse spirits and keep people safe. It didn't compute to her that she could be something she had known her entire life she wasn't suited to be.
"It's not an option to let… things be?" Hokuto asked. She didn't know how to ask that question. It wasn't out of disrespect. Hokuto did not want to promise she could fix things to a family she cherished but couldn't keep for; she had already brought them down to shame. She couldn't handle it again or ever forgive herself for that. So, how was she supposed to lead them? Would they only see him in her?
Lady Sumeragi gave her an incredulous look. She sighed, letting her composure loosen for a second.
Hokuto wasn't sure what she expected her to say. Perhaps she would send her out, and Hokuto would return to Tokyo like nothing ever once happened.
"The price was irreplaceable for the mistakes that were made. However, even after all that is said and done, and after all that has occurred…" Lady Sumeragi whispered. There was a flicker across her face. Hokuto wasn't able to register what it was before she finished speaking. "I can't bring it in myself to blame you after I see the immense pain you're also in, Hokuto-san. And no matter how we have to move on, I believe that you can be a great light to us all in this dark time that we need."
Electricity flew through her veins. She didn't know if she had heard her words. What she had said was like water that lapped in and out. She didn't think she had ever heard her grandmother speak like that to her in her entire life—give her permission to stand at the forefront instead of being at the rear.
But the most important part was that…. that…
She didn't blame her?
Subaru's face blurred in her mind's eye. Had he blamed her for dying? No, he had willingly gone off to death without telling her. He had made his choice to move on in his own. Hokuto had to do that, too, and not stay still in the flow of time forever.
If she could help Subaru in any way from here on out and protect what had been his, then….
And at that moment, it clicked in Hokuto's brain.
She couldn't be as perfect as her grandmother or Subaru. She had too many blood smears on her past, her foolishly putting Subaru in the line of fire and not taking it as seriously as she should have.
But to hear that she could do something to redeem herself and hope hadn't been lost in her…
After she had lost hope in herself…
One tear fell down her cheek and hit the back of her hand. She didn't wipe the tear away from her skin.
"If that's the truth…" Hokuto gulped and squared her shoulders. The pressure of her decision weighed her down, but she couldn't sound as though she was wishy-washy about the whole ordeal. "I will do it."
In the long run, she would probably have trouble. She wasn't perfect or suited for this role. Hokuto would undoubtable make mistakes. Not everyone around her may understand the way Hokuto felt about her choices, but as long as she knew that Subaru may believe in her and she had a fighting chance, things may eventually slip into place.