Title: The Diary of Donnatella Moss Entry 1
Author: Rhasa
Category: Angst/Drama
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Season 3 and 4
Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to the almighty Aaron Sorkin
and all his minions. No money being made, no infringement
intended.
Summary: Donna turns to the pages of her diary once again,
this time to help her understand Josh's recent actions.
Feedback: Oh please, it would so make me feel good right now.
Even if you just said you read it. I also have plans for a
continuation so if you'll request I'll write. Rhasa4@yahoo.com
The Diary of Donnatella Moss By Rhasa
Entry 1: 'Rein him in.'
You'd think that after all the trouble I had with Cliff, and my testimony, and the whole 'diary' thing, that I would have sworn off ever turning to these pages again - 'guess time heals all wounds.
I know I shouldn't be writing this down. Written words have a habit of coming back to haunt you. But I just can't help it. I've always kept a diary, well always since I was eight. And up until Cliff, I always welcomed the freedom it gave me - the ability to write whatever I wanted, say whatever I felt, to explore things, make discoveries that I know I wouldn't have made if I hadn't put it down in black and white, if I hadn't hashed it all out in pages like these ones.
It pissed me off that Cliff and his investigative committee took all that freedom away from me. You can see that I haven't written in this for over a year now. And I missed it. I missed the writing. I miss the confidence. I guess as I was growing up, filling diary upon diary of silly girlish dreams, of hopes and expectations that I never really stopped to think about my diary as a confidant, almost like a friend. Some of the things I have written in these pages, I would never, ever say to my friends.
Which is why I need it now more than ever.
There are times in a person's life when they need a silent confidant. Someone who will not really make a comment, or give advice, but someone who will just listen, as you (as I've said before) simply "hash" things out. I imagine other people go through this as much as I do. I don't always need the input of others during difficult or emotional times. If I'm really honest with myself, I'll admit that most of the time when I'm unsure about something and I talk it over with friends, I already have a deep rooted idea of what I should or shouldn't do. Sometimes I just want others to agree with me, other times I just want them to listen to me as I sort everything out in my head. Which brings me to today, and why I've broken my self-imposed 'diary writing' ban.
I guess as I write this I haven't decided what to do about. well, things.
Well, in particular a certain thing. that happened today.
At work.
With Josh.
I can't even put a name to what it was, hence the need for these pages, again. And there's no one I could really talk to about it.
Josh and I are rather 'off limit' topics of conversation around the office. I mean, I wonder what Josh, or Sam, or Leo for that matter, think about us assistants? Do they really think that we get together and gossip about our bosses all day long? Well, okay. Occasionally, very occasionally, we do, we have. but now it seems we don't. It's not productive and to be honest, most of the assistants to the senior staff aren't gossipy or 'bitchy' people anyway. Not like I hear assistants in the private sector are. I guess that's why we got to be, and still are, senior assistants to the White House Staff.
So we don't talk all that much about 'personal' work related stuff. We don't gather in the bullpen like school girls and giggle over the cuteness of Sam's butt, or Josh's dimples or whatever. We don't talk about it, but that doesn't mean that we don't think about it.
But I'm not going to go there.
To put it simply, something happened today. I don't know what it was. I don't know if it meant something. I don't have a name for it yet. It bothers me. I don't even know if 'bothers' is the right word. And I need to hash it out here, now, so I can decide what to do or what not to do about it.
Now why couldn't I have just said all that in the first place?
I guess I can understand Josh's frustration when he yells at me to get to the point.
Whatever it takes.
I have to say one thing straight up - I totally blame Leo for this. thing.today. It is totally his fault. I mean it's not like anyone ever says no to Leo when he tells you to do something. That would be, well, career suicide for one thing - but I should have said no to him. Maybe without using the 'n' word. I should have somehow politely reminded him that Josh did not need a babysitter, that he was totally capable of handling himself in a respectful and professional manner when meeting others if the need to do so was made poignantly clear - even if I didn't exactly believe that myself. Maybe I should have been more assertive and reminded Leo that babysitting my boss was not really in my job description. Saying something like that - again, career suicide. So, Leo pretty much has us all over the proverbial barrel. Which is why I did what he told me to.
"Rein him in, Donna."
It seems like a simple enough request. I have in fact, been 'reigning' him in for years. I don't think it's lost on anyone that Josh can get pretty wild if no one is there to keep him in line. And there are times when he's much worse than others.
Going into the lead up to re-election I knew that there was the chance that Josh would go off the rails a bit. And he wouldn't be the only one. I mean it's frantic here at the best of times. But a part of me knew that he would have another 'let's do good' epiphany right before America went to the polls. It's his social conscience, which works at full speed at the best of times, but seems to rear its' optimistic head right before we hit a sink or swim challenge.
I knew he would be looking for everything to run smoothly - as if that is ever possible working in the White House. I knew he'd want to be able to predict the move of all the players around him giving him a feeling that he was somewhat in control of what we call the 'circus' that is politics and government. And as soon as I heard, I knew that the thing with Stackhouse and the debate would be a problem.
You see Josh has a tendency to fixate on certain things. Surprise, surprise.
He tends to feel, oh the tiniest bit slighted when someone he thought he knew, who he thought he had in the bag so to speak, stabs him in the back.
So the thing with Stackhouse and the debate and his 'now-it's-looking-like- he's-not-going-to-endorse-the-President,' really, really, really got to Josh.
So I can understand why Leo wanted me to go to the meeting between Josh and Stackhouse. I can understand Leo's concern. I can understand why he wanted me there just in case. just in case. well, just in case I needed to 'reign him in'. I just wished Leo hadn't.
It was not like he was off the mark though. I think the shouting started a whole six minutes in. And really I thought that must have been some kind of record for Josh. The yelling occurred not much later. But I guess it was the arm waving that was a real surprise. I could tell from Josh's tone that he was dying to leap to his feet. He was building himself up to a full fledged tantrum, the likes of which I have been privy to before, but thankfully not too often. He wanted out of that chair so bad, but something Leo, or maybe even the President, had said to him must have registered in the back of his brain, because instead of jumping up, he settled for madly gesticulating with his hands and arms to show his displeasure. Which was all very well and good - except for after doing so (waving around like some mad man) for several minutes, as he was nearing the climax in his latest argument, he almost gave Toby a black eye.
And that was it.
It was then that Leo's words came back to haunt me, and I reached over to. rein Josh in.
Which is where my troubles began.
He was mostly in his seat, which is something, I guess. But his arms were still waving wildly through the air. I tried gently calling his name, in that soft warning tone I've used on him before. But he was too wrapped up to hear or notice me. He began his next barrage, steadily increasing his tone, heading for the inevitable, and I knew I had to put a stop to it, before he said or did something we'd all end up regretting - there was a pitcher of water standing ominously close by. I had to stop him. This was why I was here, after all. So I did what I think any good personal assistant would do. I saved him from himself by calmly reaching over and putting a firm hand on his knee, under the table. A subtle warning sign that only he and I would know about.
And it worked too.
Surprisingly well, in fact. kind of.
As soon as my hand found him he stopped yelling. That was a good sign. But as I turned my attention back to the table, I realised that he had merely been interrupted by one of Stackhouse's senior aides, so maybe I couldn't give myself credit for Josh's sudden silence.
Josh drew a hand over his tired face, leaned back a little, appeared to be listening and slightly more relaxed. And then. I mean all this happened in a second.maybe two at the most. and then, I was about to withdraw my hand, the immediate crisis now seemingly over, when his own hand came to rest on mine. And at first I thought nothing of it. A gentle squeeze back, that said silently something like, "Thanks, Donna. I'm okay now." Really, that's what I was thinking at the time. I smiled, glad that he was now in control, that my work here was done and that everything would get back to normal. Except as I drew away slightly, he increased his pressure and held my hand there.
And he didn't let go.
For another eighteen minutes.
Which left me in a . flap.
Josh was sitting there, in a meeting, holding my hand. What's more is that he didn't even acknowledge that he was doing it. Not a look, or a smile or a shrug in my direction. I really had no idea what was going on inside his head. Or inside of mine for that matter. I mean, I guess in hindsight, I could have torn my hand away. But that would have become even more awkward, especially after six minutes when he laced his fingers through mine.
I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.
I was glad that ever since he started to hold my hand he hadn't resorted back to yelling. I guess that's what I used to justify my continuing to keep my hand there. Was that why he was so calm afterwards?
I tried hard not to over analyse it at the time. I tried hard to concentrate on the meeting. But I wasn't really successful. I felt uncomfortable, not by the actually hand holding, that was nice, sweet in a way, but uncomfortable because I kept wondering if Toby who was on the other side of Josh would know what we were doing. I had a sudden fleeting panic that Josh had thought that by placing my hand on his knee I was coming onto him. I worried about all the possibilities that such a gesture could mean. I worried about what I would say to him afterwards, and what he would say to me. And I sat there confused and panicky throughout the rest of the meeting, waiting, waiting, for his comments or his explanations. And all I got, at the end, when we all rose to leave and he finally let go of my hand and brought his out from under the table to carry the files back to his office was a, "Well, I guess that went about as well as we'd expected," before Toby piped in and led him off into another conversation as they walked back to the communications offices together.
Leaving me standing there wondering and confused. much the same as I am now.
I mean, maybe it really did mean nothing. Maybe he was using me as his anchor or whatever. I don't know.
ARGH! This whole thing makes me feel like I'm back at high school.
So I guess the question now is, do I approach him about it and possibly make a complete fool of myself when he says that it was nothing? Or do I wait and see.
I guess, I'll wait.
I'll save myself any embarrassment from a confrontation. But knowing me, I'll probably won't be able to stop myself from thinking about future possibilities. I've always been one to 'jump the gun' so to speak.
No.
This time, I wait. I'll be cautious. More often than not these things are not what they seem. Why get my hopes up?
Oh, god. I can't believe I just thought that.
I got to wonder though, after today, just whom reined whom in?
The end.
As said above I have plans for more. Please let me know if you'd like more. For that and all other feedback Rhasa4@yahoo.com
Author's Note:
I know this 'diary' entry is rather longish but this is exactly like my own diary entries. I use a large exercise book now with multiple page entries and I write like I speak.
The Diary of Donnatella Moss By Rhasa
Entry 1: 'Rein him in.'
You'd think that after all the trouble I had with Cliff, and my testimony, and the whole 'diary' thing, that I would have sworn off ever turning to these pages again - 'guess time heals all wounds.
I know I shouldn't be writing this down. Written words have a habit of coming back to haunt you. But I just can't help it. I've always kept a diary, well always since I was eight. And up until Cliff, I always welcomed the freedom it gave me - the ability to write whatever I wanted, say whatever I felt, to explore things, make discoveries that I know I wouldn't have made if I hadn't put it down in black and white, if I hadn't hashed it all out in pages like these ones.
It pissed me off that Cliff and his investigative committee took all that freedom away from me. You can see that I haven't written in this for over a year now. And I missed it. I missed the writing. I miss the confidence. I guess as I was growing up, filling diary upon diary of silly girlish dreams, of hopes and expectations that I never really stopped to think about my diary as a confidant, almost like a friend. Some of the things I have written in these pages, I would never, ever say to my friends.
Which is why I need it now more than ever.
There are times in a person's life when they need a silent confidant. Someone who will not really make a comment, or give advice, but someone who will just listen, as you (as I've said before) simply "hash" things out. I imagine other people go through this as much as I do. I don't always need the input of others during difficult or emotional times. If I'm really honest with myself, I'll admit that most of the time when I'm unsure about something and I talk it over with friends, I already have a deep rooted idea of what I should or shouldn't do. Sometimes I just want others to agree with me, other times I just want them to listen to me as I sort everything out in my head. Which brings me to today, and why I've broken my self-imposed 'diary writing' ban.
I guess as I write this I haven't decided what to do about. well, things.
Well, in particular a certain thing. that happened today.
At work.
With Josh.
I can't even put a name to what it was, hence the need for these pages, again. And there's no one I could really talk to about it.
Josh and I are rather 'off limit' topics of conversation around the office. I mean, I wonder what Josh, or Sam, or Leo for that matter, think about us assistants? Do they really think that we get together and gossip about our bosses all day long? Well, okay. Occasionally, very occasionally, we do, we have. but now it seems we don't. It's not productive and to be honest, most of the assistants to the senior staff aren't gossipy or 'bitchy' people anyway. Not like I hear assistants in the private sector are. I guess that's why we got to be, and still are, senior assistants to the White House Staff.
So we don't talk all that much about 'personal' work related stuff. We don't gather in the bullpen like school girls and giggle over the cuteness of Sam's butt, or Josh's dimples or whatever. We don't talk about it, but that doesn't mean that we don't think about it.
But I'm not going to go there.
To put it simply, something happened today. I don't know what it was. I don't know if it meant something. I don't have a name for it yet. It bothers me. I don't even know if 'bothers' is the right word. And I need to hash it out here, now, so I can decide what to do or what not to do about it.
Now why couldn't I have just said all that in the first place?
I guess I can understand Josh's frustration when he yells at me to get to the point.
Whatever it takes.
I have to say one thing straight up - I totally blame Leo for this. thing.today. It is totally his fault. I mean it's not like anyone ever says no to Leo when he tells you to do something. That would be, well, career suicide for one thing - but I should have said no to him. Maybe without using the 'n' word. I should have somehow politely reminded him that Josh did not need a babysitter, that he was totally capable of handling himself in a respectful and professional manner when meeting others if the need to do so was made poignantly clear - even if I didn't exactly believe that myself. Maybe I should have been more assertive and reminded Leo that babysitting my boss was not really in my job description. Saying something like that - again, career suicide. So, Leo pretty much has us all over the proverbial barrel. Which is why I did what he told me to.
"Rein him in, Donna."
It seems like a simple enough request. I have in fact, been 'reigning' him in for years. I don't think it's lost on anyone that Josh can get pretty wild if no one is there to keep him in line. And there are times when he's much worse than others.
Going into the lead up to re-election I knew that there was the chance that Josh would go off the rails a bit. And he wouldn't be the only one. I mean it's frantic here at the best of times. But a part of me knew that he would have another 'let's do good' epiphany right before America went to the polls. It's his social conscience, which works at full speed at the best of times, but seems to rear its' optimistic head right before we hit a sink or swim challenge.
I knew he would be looking for everything to run smoothly - as if that is ever possible working in the White House. I knew he'd want to be able to predict the move of all the players around him giving him a feeling that he was somewhat in control of what we call the 'circus' that is politics and government. And as soon as I heard, I knew that the thing with Stackhouse and the debate would be a problem.
You see Josh has a tendency to fixate on certain things. Surprise, surprise.
He tends to feel, oh the tiniest bit slighted when someone he thought he knew, who he thought he had in the bag so to speak, stabs him in the back.
So the thing with Stackhouse and the debate and his 'now-it's-looking-like- he's-not-going-to-endorse-the-President,' really, really, really got to Josh.
So I can understand why Leo wanted me to go to the meeting between Josh and Stackhouse. I can understand Leo's concern. I can understand why he wanted me there just in case. just in case. well, just in case I needed to 'reign him in'. I just wished Leo hadn't.
It was not like he was off the mark though. I think the shouting started a whole six minutes in. And really I thought that must have been some kind of record for Josh. The yelling occurred not much later. But I guess it was the arm waving that was a real surprise. I could tell from Josh's tone that he was dying to leap to his feet. He was building himself up to a full fledged tantrum, the likes of which I have been privy to before, but thankfully not too often. He wanted out of that chair so bad, but something Leo, or maybe even the President, had said to him must have registered in the back of his brain, because instead of jumping up, he settled for madly gesticulating with his hands and arms to show his displeasure. Which was all very well and good - except for after doing so (waving around like some mad man) for several minutes, as he was nearing the climax in his latest argument, he almost gave Toby a black eye.
And that was it.
It was then that Leo's words came back to haunt me, and I reached over to. rein Josh in.
Which is where my troubles began.
He was mostly in his seat, which is something, I guess. But his arms were still waving wildly through the air. I tried gently calling his name, in that soft warning tone I've used on him before. But he was too wrapped up to hear or notice me. He began his next barrage, steadily increasing his tone, heading for the inevitable, and I knew I had to put a stop to it, before he said or did something we'd all end up regretting - there was a pitcher of water standing ominously close by. I had to stop him. This was why I was here, after all. So I did what I think any good personal assistant would do. I saved him from himself by calmly reaching over and putting a firm hand on his knee, under the table. A subtle warning sign that only he and I would know about.
And it worked too.
Surprisingly well, in fact. kind of.
As soon as my hand found him he stopped yelling. That was a good sign. But as I turned my attention back to the table, I realised that he had merely been interrupted by one of Stackhouse's senior aides, so maybe I couldn't give myself credit for Josh's sudden silence.
Josh drew a hand over his tired face, leaned back a little, appeared to be listening and slightly more relaxed. And then. I mean all this happened in a second.maybe two at the most. and then, I was about to withdraw my hand, the immediate crisis now seemingly over, when his own hand came to rest on mine. And at first I thought nothing of it. A gentle squeeze back, that said silently something like, "Thanks, Donna. I'm okay now." Really, that's what I was thinking at the time. I smiled, glad that he was now in control, that my work here was done and that everything would get back to normal. Except as I drew away slightly, he increased his pressure and held my hand there.
And he didn't let go.
For another eighteen minutes.
Which left me in a . flap.
Josh was sitting there, in a meeting, holding my hand. What's more is that he didn't even acknowledge that he was doing it. Not a look, or a smile or a shrug in my direction. I really had no idea what was going on inside his head. Or inside of mine for that matter. I mean, I guess in hindsight, I could have torn my hand away. But that would have become even more awkward, especially after six minutes when he laced his fingers through mine.
I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.
I was glad that ever since he started to hold my hand he hadn't resorted back to yelling. I guess that's what I used to justify my continuing to keep my hand there. Was that why he was so calm afterwards?
I tried hard not to over analyse it at the time. I tried hard to concentrate on the meeting. But I wasn't really successful. I felt uncomfortable, not by the actually hand holding, that was nice, sweet in a way, but uncomfortable because I kept wondering if Toby who was on the other side of Josh would know what we were doing. I had a sudden fleeting panic that Josh had thought that by placing my hand on his knee I was coming onto him. I worried about all the possibilities that such a gesture could mean. I worried about what I would say to him afterwards, and what he would say to me. And I sat there confused and panicky throughout the rest of the meeting, waiting, waiting, for his comments or his explanations. And all I got, at the end, when we all rose to leave and he finally let go of my hand and brought his out from under the table to carry the files back to his office was a, "Well, I guess that went about as well as we'd expected," before Toby piped in and led him off into another conversation as they walked back to the communications offices together.
Leaving me standing there wondering and confused. much the same as I am now.
I mean, maybe it really did mean nothing. Maybe he was using me as his anchor or whatever. I don't know.
ARGH! This whole thing makes me feel like I'm back at high school.
So I guess the question now is, do I approach him about it and possibly make a complete fool of myself when he says that it was nothing? Or do I wait and see.
I guess, I'll wait.
I'll save myself any embarrassment from a confrontation. But knowing me, I'll probably won't be able to stop myself from thinking about future possibilities. I've always been one to 'jump the gun' so to speak.
No.
This time, I wait. I'll be cautious. More often than not these things are not what they seem. Why get my hopes up?
Oh, god. I can't believe I just thought that.
I got to wonder though, after today, just whom reined whom in?
The end.
As said above I have plans for more. Please let me know if you'd like more. For that and all other feedback Rhasa4@yahoo.com
Author's Note:
I know this 'diary' entry is rather longish but this is exactly like my own diary entries. I use a large exercise book now with multiple page entries and I write like I speak.