Title: Never part
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: MSR, Mulder angst, V, POV
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: None
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary: Scully is badly hurt and that makes Mulder consider
their relationship.
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong
to FOX and they are not mine.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar
mistake may occur.
"Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are"
From the song "To where you are" sung by: Josh Groban (music
by: Richard Marx, lyrics by: Linda Thompson )
-----------------------------------------------------------
The darkness surrounded Scully as she walked the small path
up to her house. It was just after midnight. She had spent
another evening at the office going over a case they were
working on.
She would not admit it to one living soul but Dana Scully,
FBI- agent, was afraid of the dark. So she hurried on and
she sighed of relief when she opened the door to her home.
She hung up her coat in the closet by the door and kicked of
her shoes.
She never saw him coming. She never even heard him. When she
turned around a man was standing just an armslength away. She
reached for her gun but she was too late. She saw the knife
just before it entered her body. She screamed out in pain and
tried to get away. But he was too strong. He rammed the knife
deeper and deeper into her body and she could feel something
break inside of her. She fell to the floor and screamed out
in pain. She never heard him leave.
There was so much blood.
It painted the floor under her dark.
With all the strength she had left in her torned body she
managed to get to a phone and press the button for Mulder's
apartment. He answered just after a minute.
"Mulder".
"Scully?"
"Help me".
Then the darkness took a hold of her and she fell into the
sweet release of unconsciousness.
I have been here so many times so you would think I knew the
drill by now. But I don't and I hope I will never learn.
It's raining outside the window. But I don't care. I have
forgotten which day it is. It's all been a blur since she
was pulled away from me once again.
They are still searching for a suspect. But I'm beginning to
doubt that we will ever find any answers to why this
happened.
I spend the first days after her attack in a rage. I needed
to get some answers. I needed to find the one who did this but
no answers where given to me.
I spend my days and nights by her bedside. They have tried to
get me to go home but I refuse to leave her side.
They say that her body took a lot of beating and that
it's a miracle that she's alive.
They have told me that it's in god's hands now. But I refuse
to believe that. God has killed everyone I love. My father,
my mother and my sister. So I don't believe in her god.
I hate him. I load him.
Now I'm sitting here by her side in desperate need for
something to believe in. I need something to hold on to,
because it feels like the sky is falling.
I have never felt this powerless. When she was battling
cancer I knew I could save her. But now I'm faced with my
own limitations.
I used to believe that I could do anything. I could climb over
whatever kind of obstacle life put infront of me.
But not this one. I can't win this time. It feels like I have
rammed my head into a brick wall. I have a hard time breathing.
Her mother comes every morning around ten since she was brought
in. Maggie Scully always manages to smile even in the darkest
hours. But I have seen through her facade. Her smile never
reaches her eyes. I know about the sorrow and the pain that
lives there, right behind that wall that tells the world that
everything is okay.
Maggie Scully is my strength and I try to be hers. But I can't.
I fear that if somebody touches me I will shatter just like
broken glass.
The day turns into night and I watch as the dark chases away
the light outside the window. I rise from my chair and walk
over to the window. I know I should be sleeping but I can't.
I have had a hard time sleeping since she was taken into
intensive care. The nurses says that they can give me a pill
to make me sleep but I don't want to. I don't want my mind
clouded by drugs. I want to cling to every waken hour.
I hate this room. I hate the way it smells and the sounds the
machines make. I hate every tube that goes in and out her
body. I know it breathes life into her torned body but I want
to rip it out of her and carry her away from this hell. This
is where people die. I know it sounds like it's a child that's
talking. But I can't help myself. All I can see is death.
I turn to her and sit down beside her. I take her hand in mine.
It feels warm under mine. It's funny but it looks like she is
sleeping.
I sit here watching the world go by outside the window while
she is lost in beautiful dreams. Sometimes I wonder what she
is dreaming about. Is it beautiful where she is?
I hope it is. I know it is.
Maybe she is flying high above the clouds.
They say that she can't hear me. But I refuse to believe that.
I know that she can hear me but she is just too far away to
reply. But I don't mind. I know she is safe. She taught me
that. She taught me about her heaven and her belief. And I
do believe that she will be safe, wherever she is.
Walter Skinner lingered at the door afraid to go in. Mulder
was sleeping with his head on the bed. His cheek was resting
against her hand. He knew that he shouldn't have come. This
was not his place. He was holding flowers in one hand. He
looked at them now and found them silly.
She wouldn't want his gift.
He didn't belong here.
He turned to go when he heard Mulder's voice.
"Sir?"
He turned around and looked at Mulder. He tried to hide the
flowers behind his back. He blushed a little when he stepped
into the room.
Mulder rose from his chair and walked up to him.
" Sir, have they found anything yet?"
"Nothing. Not yet"
" Who can have done this? And why?"
" I wish I knew. How she doing?"
" The doctors says that there is not much more they can do."
" But..."
" They say that she can wake up tomorrow or the next month or
she might never wake up."
" But how?"
" She lost a lot of blood and they think she hit her head
somehow."
Skinner walked up to her bedside and looked down at her.
"It looks like she is sleeping."
" I know."
He placed the flowers on the table beside her bed and looked
at Mulder.
" I will find out who did this and I will make him pay for
what he did."
Then he left the room.
I have never seen such rage in his eyes. I have never actually
seen Skinner this angry. But I know where he is coming from.
I know about the rage that fills you up until you have a hard
time breathing. But I can't let it take me down. She needs me
here.
I can't leave her and I won't.
Bill Scully opened the door to his sister's hospital room
and looked over at Mulder. Fox Mulder looked tired. He had
dark circles under his eyes and his skin were pale. For the
first time in a long time Bill Scully felt sorry for Mulder.
But he pushed that feeling a side and entered the room.
Mulder rose from the chair.
Silence lingered between the two men as they looked down at
Scully. All that pierced the silence of the room was the
sounds the machines made.
I rub my tired eyes and look at her brother. I know what
he is thinking. He blames me. I know that he blames me for
every harm that has come to her sister. I want to tell him
that he is not alone. I blame me too. I was the one that
brought her this pain. I was the one who fought the battles
but she was the one that was left with the scares.
"What does the doctors say? Is there any change?"
"No. No, change."
He looks up at me and I can see behind that wall of anger,
a pain and sorrow that where so great that I almost backed
away. I want to say something but I find no words.
" Who did this to my sister?"
" I wish I knew. We are trying to find that out."
I have caused this family so much pain. They have every right
to hate me. But as we stood there him and me all I wanted was
to be his friend.
But that was just a dream.
" I can sit with her for awhile if you want to get something
to eat."
I know that he wanted to be alone with her and I can't
object so I leave with out saying a word.
Walter Skinner took another sip of his coffee and looked up
at the darken sky. It was close to midnight and it looked like
rain. He was standing in the ally behind a small apartment
building in downtown Washington. He was surrounded by FBI-
agents.
The suspect's name was Mike Wallis. His fingerprints had been
found in Scully's apartment. He was a well known thief and
bankrobber. He was known to often use a knife on his victims.
Skinner stepped back as the agents stormed the building. He
had wanted to join them but he knew that his feeling would
take the best of him and than something could happen.
When I returned to her room he was gone. I sigh and sit
down at the chair beside her. The silence of the room calms
my beating heart. I know that they are out there searching
for the suspect. His name is Mike Wallis. I wish that I
could join them but I don't want to leave her.
I cling to every breath she takes. It's like magic to my
ears.
Two days later
It has rained constantly during the past three days. I hadn't
noticed the rain. All I can see is her face. She is still lost
in beautiful dreams. My days is all a blur. I never left
her side.
They had finally arrested Mike Wallis and he had admitted to
the stabbing of Agent Scully. He claimed that he had gone
there to rob her but somewhere along the way everything went
out of hand and his temper took a hold of him.
Skinner came to tell me the news. I had wanted to be there to
see the man that had done this. But everyone had advised me
not to. All I knew was that he was the devil.
The miracle happened that night around midnight. Nightmares
kept me awake. It was still raining outside. I was standing
at the window watching the rain coming down outside. I was
so tired both mentally and physically but I feared closing my
eyes for what I might see. It's funny but I was scared.
" Mulder?"
Her voice was like something out of a beautiful dream. My
heart went racing in my chest as I turned around. I had a
hard time believing that it might be true.
But she had finally opened her eyes and she looked straight
at me. I felt like dying as I walked up to her bed and
whispered her name. She had never been so beautiful as she
was when I looked down at her.
" What happened?"
All I could do was to smile. I couldn't answer her. Not yet.
I sat down beside her and took her hand in mine. I just wanted
to sit there and take her in, all of her.
As I sat there tears caressed my cheeks.
She was back.
One month later.
She has been home for two weeks now and I'm still afraid to go
to her. I have dropped by several times to check up on her
but I never stay. She never asks me why and I'm glad, because
I have no answers to give her.
I fear facing her again. I never thought I could feel like
this. But all I can see is her face in that hospital-bed.
I have been in that position too many times since she came into
my life, sitting beside her bed in some hospital. I nearly
lost her this time. But we have fooled death too many times.
I don't want to be there to see her fall once again, because
I know that I might not be able to save her the next time.
I'm only just a man.
As the days passed she grew stronger and her wounds became just
a distant memory. Maggie Scully watched over her daughter
like a hawk and she stayed with her until Dana Scully finally
was strong enough to make it on her own. Her mother was not
happy to leave her daughter but she understood and backed
away. As she moved out of her daughter's apartment she prayed
that Dana would be safe.
My hand is shaking as I knock at her door. I brought her pizza
and beer. She had called me and asked me to come over. I would
bring the pizza and beer and she would bring the movies.
I wanted to object but I couldn't. So now I'm standing outside
her door afraid. I know I shouldn't come. I have vowed to
stay as far away as possible from her. I'm no good. All I have
ever given her is death and destruction.
When she appears in the doorway it feels like my heart
stops beating for a while. I try to say something but no words
comes over me. She smiles at me and I feel like I'm falling'.
" Mulder. You came. "
I want to say that I couldn't stay away but I can't. She
shows me into the warmth of her apartment. I stand there
watching as she moves through her home. She looks like she's
glowing, or maybe it's just my mind playing tricks with
me. I want to reach out my hand and take her in my arms but
I can't. I won't.
It's close to midnight when we have finished watching the
movies. The beer is all out and the pizza has been eaten.
She sitting beside me and if I reach out my hand I can touch
her. My arms long for holding her. She's so beautiful.
I can't take my eyes from her. Have I been blind? For the
first time I'm seeing the beauty that is Dana Scully.
" Mulder. You are starring."
She looks at me and smiles. I never thought a smile could make
me feel like this. I look into her eyes and I can see the
strength and the warmth I have admired for so long. I want to
say something. I want to say something real, something true.
But I can't.
" Mulder, what's wrong?"
She reaches out and take my hand. It feels like thunder has
hit me. But in the same time I want to pull back. I'm afraid.
" Nothing is wrong. "
Liar.
Then she smiles again.
" Good. I invited you here to say thank you."
" What for?"
" For saving my life."
The pain that struck my heart in that moment makes me grasp
for a breath. I never thought just a few words could cause so
much pain.
" I did nothing."
" Yes, you did. You stayed with me. You never gave up on me."
I want to say that I could never give her up. I want to tell
her the truth. I want to love her. I want her. All of her.
" It's nothing."
I turn away from her. I'm afraid that she can see the truth
that I hide so well. I'm the reason for everything.
I feel myself melting as I feel her hand on my cheek. She
forces me to look at her.
" It's not nothing. You saved me. Don't you know? You are my
hero."
Tears makes my sight blurry. They caress my cheeks. She
kisses them gently away as she whispers my name. I want to
run as far away as possible from her. But my heart makes me
stay where I am. I can't move. I won't move.
As her lips touches mine I feel myself dying. She is the
magic in my life. She is the reason for everything. I want her
by my side. I need her. She the reason I'm alive.
I pull her closer as I kiss her lips. She opens herself for
me completely. I run my tongue, tracing the inside of her
lips and than I goo deeper. This is crazy but I can't pull
away from her. She's like poison in my veins. She's like
hot and cold all rapped up in one. She's heaven on this earth.
My hand touches the warmth of her back and traces her spine
up and down.
She sighs as I lay her down on the floor. Her eyes is dark as
I look at her. She's so beautiful. She reaches out for me and
I go to her. I kiss her with all the passion I have hidden for
so many years. She whispers my name into the dark as I lift
her shirt. Then my hand touches the scares on her stomach and
the reality of the situation comes back to haunt me. I trace
the scares with my finger as I look at her.
" I love you, Mulder. I always will."
I pull back from her afraid of her words. She looks at me
and I can see heaven in her eyes. She has so much going for
her. But all I can see is her face in the hospital-bed and in
my head I can hear the voices of the doctors saying that it's
up to god now.
I want to tell her how much I love her, how much I care. I want
to tell her that I would lay down my life if she asked me.
I would walk through fire for her. But I can't. Too many
people have been hurt in this fight. My father, my mother, my
sister, her family and herself. And all because of me.
All I want is to take her in my arms and tell her the truth
but I can't do that. I won't do that.
I pull away from her and I can see the sorrow in her eyes. I
know that I have to cause her more pain. I just wish that she
would know that it's all for the best.
I rise and walk up to the window. The moon has come out to
play. I feel so tired. I'm tired of struggling for the truth.
I'm tired of being alone.
I can feel her behind me. Her taste is still on my lips.
"Mulder, what's wrong?"
So this is it. I will push her away and hope she will
understand. I turn to her and look at her.
" I want you to know that I will always be there for you.
I will stand by your side until you ask me to leave. I love
you, Scully. I love you...as a friend."
The pain makes her eyes darker. In that moment I hate myself
more than ever but I remind myself that it's all for the best.
" Just as friends..."
" Yes."
Lies, lies, lies. All lies. I reach out for her but she pulls
away and I'm left feeling so cold.
" I'm sorry. I just..."
" You don't have to say anything. Please, don't say anything."
She turns her back to me and I close my eyes in a weak attempt
to shut the pain out. But it's too late now.
" Talk to me, Scully. "
" No..Please, leave."
" Scully..."
" Please, Mulder. "
I have broken her. I have caused her this pain. I try to
convince myself that it's all for the best as I move towards
the door. I'm saving her life.
My hands are shaking as I open the door. I stand there in the
doorway for a while, not wanting to leave just yet. I search
for the right words to say but I can't find any.
I turn around and look at her. I can see tears in her eyes.
" Good night, Scully. "
" Good night, Mulder."
Then I turn around and walk away.
I leave the car behind and decide to take a walk. Its
starts to rain. But I don't care. Let it come.
As I walk through the rain the tears come back.
Here I am, a hero.
A broken hero.
This is the death of a hero.
Feedback---- j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: MSR, Mulder angst, V, POV
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: None
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary: Scully is badly hurt and that makes Mulder consider
their relationship.
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong
to FOX and they are not mine.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar
mistake may occur.
"Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are"
From the song "To where you are" sung by: Josh Groban (music
by: Richard Marx, lyrics by: Linda Thompson )
-----------------------------------------------------------
The darkness surrounded Scully as she walked the small path
up to her house. It was just after midnight. She had spent
another evening at the office going over a case they were
working on.
She would not admit it to one living soul but Dana Scully,
FBI- agent, was afraid of the dark. So she hurried on and
she sighed of relief when she opened the door to her home.
She hung up her coat in the closet by the door and kicked of
her shoes.
She never saw him coming. She never even heard him. When she
turned around a man was standing just an armslength away. She
reached for her gun but she was too late. She saw the knife
just before it entered her body. She screamed out in pain and
tried to get away. But he was too strong. He rammed the knife
deeper and deeper into her body and she could feel something
break inside of her. She fell to the floor and screamed out
in pain. She never heard him leave.
There was so much blood.
It painted the floor under her dark.
With all the strength she had left in her torned body she
managed to get to a phone and press the button for Mulder's
apartment. He answered just after a minute.
"Mulder".
"Scully?"
"Help me".
Then the darkness took a hold of her and she fell into the
sweet release of unconsciousness.
I have been here so many times so you would think I knew the
drill by now. But I don't and I hope I will never learn.
It's raining outside the window. But I don't care. I have
forgotten which day it is. It's all been a blur since she
was pulled away from me once again.
They are still searching for a suspect. But I'm beginning to
doubt that we will ever find any answers to why this
happened.
I spend the first days after her attack in a rage. I needed
to get some answers. I needed to find the one who did this but
no answers where given to me.
I spend my days and nights by her bedside. They have tried to
get me to go home but I refuse to leave her side.
They say that her body took a lot of beating and that
it's a miracle that she's alive.
They have told me that it's in god's hands now. But I refuse
to believe that. God has killed everyone I love. My father,
my mother and my sister. So I don't believe in her god.
I hate him. I load him.
Now I'm sitting here by her side in desperate need for
something to believe in. I need something to hold on to,
because it feels like the sky is falling.
I have never felt this powerless. When she was battling
cancer I knew I could save her. But now I'm faced with my
own limitations.
I used to believe that I could do anything. I could climb over
whatever kind of obstacle life put infront of me.
But not this one. I can't win this time. It feels like I have
rammed my head into a brick wall. I have a hard time breathing.
Her mother comes every morning around ten since she was brought
in. Maggie Scully always manages to smile even in the darkest
hours. But I have seen through her facade. Her smile never
reaches her eyes. I know about the sorrow and the pain that
lives there, right behind that wall that tells the world that
everything is okay.
Maggie Scully is my strength and I try to be hers. But I can't.
I fear that if somebody touches me I will shatter just like
broken glass.
The day turns into night and I watch as the dark chases away
the light outside the window. I rise from my chair and walk
over to the window. I know I should be sleeping but I can't.
I have had a hard time sleeping since she was taken into
intensive care. The nurses says that they can give me a pill
to make me sleep but I don't want to. I don't want my mind
clouded by drugs. I want to cling to every waken hour.
I hate this room. I hate the way it smells and the sounds the
machines make. I hate every tube that goes in and out her
body. I know it breathes life into her torned body but I want
to rip it out of her and carry her away from this hell. This
is where people die. I know it sounds like it's a child that's
talking. But I can't help myself. All I can see is death.
I turn to her and sit down beside her. I take her hand in mine.
It feels warm under mine. It's funny but it looks like she is
sleeping.
I sit here watching the world go by outside the window while
she is lost in beautiful dreams. Sometimes I wonder what she
is dreaming about. Is it beautiful where she is?
I hope it is. I know it is.
Maybe she is flying high above the clouds.
They say that she can't hear me. But I refuse to believe that.
I know that she can hear me but she is just too far away to
reply. But I don't mind. I know she is safe. She taught me
that. She taught me about her heaven and her belief. And I
do believe that she will be safe, wherever she is.
Walter Skinner lingered at the door afraid to go in. Mulder
was sleeping with his head on the bed. His cheek was resting
against her hand. He knew that he shouldn't have come. This
was not his place. He was holding flowers in one hand. He
looked at them now and found them silly.
She wouldn't want his gift.
He didn't belong here.
He turned to go when he heard Mulder's voice.
"Sir?"
He turned around and looked at Mulder. He tried to hide the
flowers behind his back. He blushed a little when he stepped
into the room.
Mulder rose from his chair and walked up to him.
" Sir, have they found anything yet?"
"Nothing. Not yet"
" Who can have done this? And why?"
" I wish I knew. How she doing?"
" The doctors says that there is not much more they can do."
" But..."
" They say that she can wake up tomorrow or the next month or
she might never wake up."
" But how?"
" She lost a lot of blood and they think she hit her head
somehow."
Skinner walked up to her bedside and looked down at her.
"It looks like she is sleeping."
" I know."
He placed the flowers on the table beside her bed and looked
at Mulder.
" I will find out who did this and I will make him pay for
what he did."
Then he left the room.
I have never seen such rage in his eyes. I have never actually
seen Skinner this angry. But I know where he is coming from.
I know about the rage that fills you up until you have a hard
time breathing. But I can't let it take me down. She needs me
here.
I can't leave her and I won't.
Bill Scully opened the door to his sister's hospital room
and looked over at Mulder. Fox Mulder looked tired. He had
dark circles under his eyes and his skin were pale. For the
first time in a long time Bill Scully felt sorry for Mulder.
But he pushed that feeling a side and entered the room.
Mulder rose from the chair.
Silence lingered between the two men as they looked down at
Scully. All that pierced the silence of the room was the
sounds the machines made.
I rub my tired eyes and look at her brother. I know what
he is thinking. He blames me. I know that he blames me for
every harm that has come to her sister. I want to tell him
that he is not alone. I blame me too. I was the one that
brought her this pain. I was the one who fought the battles
but she was the one that was left with the scares.
"What does the doctors say? Is there any change?"
"No. No, change."
He looks up at me and I can see behind that wall of anger,
a pain and sorrow that where so great that I almost backed
away. I want to say something but I find no words.
" Who did this to my sister?"
" I wish I knew. We are trying to find that out."
I have caused this family so much pain. They have every right
to hate me. But as we stood there him and me all I wanted was
to be his friend.
But that was just a dream.
" I can sit with her for awhile if you want to get something
to eat."
I know that he wanted to be alone with her and I can't
object so I leave with out saying a word.
Walter Skinner took another sip of his coffee and looked up
at the darken sky. It was close to midnight and it looked like
rain. He was standing in the ally behind a small apartment
building in downtown Washington. He was surrounded by FBI-
agents.
The suspect's name was Mike Wallis. His fingerprints had been
found in Scully's apartment. He was a well known thief and
bankrobber. He was known to often use a knife on his victims.
Skinner stepped back as the agents stormed the building. He
had wanted to join them but he knew that his feeling would
take the best of him and than something could happen.
When I returned to her room he was gone. I sigh and sit
down at the chair beside her. The silence of the room calms
my beating heart. I know that they are out there searching
for the suspect. His name is Mike Wallis. I wish that I
could join them but I don't want to leave her.
I cling to every breath she takes. It's like magic to my
ears.
Two days later
It has rained constantly during the past three days. I hadn't
noticed the rain. All I can see is her face. She is still lost
in beautiful dreams. My days is all a blur. I never left
her side.
They had finally arrested Mike Wallis and he had admitted to
the stabbing of Agent Scully. He claimed that he had gone
there to rob her but somewhere along the way everything went
out of hand and his temper took a hold of him.
Skinner came to tell me the news. I had wanted to be there to
see the man that had done this. But everyone had advised me
not to. All I knew was that he was the devil.
The miracle happened that night around midnight. Nightmares
kept me awake. It was still raining outside. I was standing
at the window watching the rain coming down outside. I was
so tired both mentally and physically but I feared closing my
eyes for what I might see. It's funny but I was scared.
" Mulder?"
Her voice was like something out of a beautiful dream. My
heart went racing in my chest as I turned around. I had a
hard time believing that it might be true.
But she had finally opened her eyes and she looked straight
at me. I felt like dying as I walked up to her bed and
whispered her name. She had never been so beautiful as she
was when I looked down at her.
" What happened?"
All I could do was to smile. I couldn't answer her. Not yet.
I sat down beside her and took her hand in mine. I just wanted
to sit there and take her in, all of her.
As I sat there tears caressed my cheeks.
She was back.
One month later.
She has been home for two weeks now and I'm still afraid to go
to her. I have dropped by several times to check up on her
but I never stay. She never asks me why and I'm glad, because
I have no answers to give her.
I fear facing her again. I never thought I could feel like
this. But all I can see is her face in that hospital-bed.
I have been in that position too many times since she came into
my life, sitting beside her bed in some hospital. I nearly
lost her this time. But we have fooled death too many times.
I don't want to be there to see her fall once again, because
I know that I might not be able to save her the next time.
I'm only just a man.
As the days passed she grew stronger and her wounds became just
a distant memory. Maggie Scully watched over her daughter
like a hawk and she stayed with her until Dana Scully finally
was strong enough to make it on her own. Her mother was not
happy to leave her daughter but she understood and backed
away. As she moved out of her daughter's apartment she prayed
that Dana would be safe.
My hand is shaking as I knock at her door. I brought her pizza
and beer. She had called me and asked me to come over. I would
bring the pizza and beer and she would bring the movies.
I wanted to object but I couldn't. So now I'm standing outside
her door afraid. I know I shouldn't come. I have vowed to
stay as far away as possible from her. I'm no good. All I have
ever given her is death and destruction.
When she appears in the doorway it feels like my heart
stops beating for a while. I try to say something but no words
comes over me. She smiles at me and I feel like I'm falling'.
" Mulder. You came. "
I want to say that I couldn't stay away but I can't. She
shows me into the warmth of her apartment. I stand there
watching as she moves through her home. She looks like she's
glowing, or maybe it's just my mind playing tricks with
me. I want to reach out my hand and take her in my arms but
I can't. I won't.
It's close to midnight when we have finished watching the
movies. The beer is all out and the pizza has been eaten.
She sitting beside me and if I reach out my hand I can touch
her. My arms long for holding her. She's so beautiful.
I can't take my eyes from her. Have I been blind? For the
first time I'm seeing the beauty that is Dana Scully.
" Mulder. You are starring."
She looks at me and smiles. I never thought a smile could make
me feel like this. I look into her eyes and I can see the
strength and the warmth I have admired for so long. I want to
say something. I want to say something real, something true.
But I can't.
" Mulder, what's wrong?"
She reaches out and take my hand. It feels like thunder has
hit me. But in the same time I want to pull back. I'm afraid.
" Nothing is wrong. "
Liar.
Then she smiles again.
" Good. I invited you here to say thank you."
" What for?"
" For saving my life."
The pain that struck my heart in that moment makes me grasp
for a breath. I never thought just a few words could cause so
much pain.
" I did nothing."
" Yes, you did. You stayed with me. You never gave up on me."
I want to say that I could never give her up. I want to tell
her the truth. I want to love her. I want her. All of her.
" It's nothing."
I turn away from her. I'm afraid that she can see the truth
that I hide so well. I'm the reason for everything.
I feel myself melting as I feel her hand on my cheek. She
forces me to look at her.
" It's not nothing. You saved me. Don't you know? You are my
hero."
Tears makes my sight blurry. They caress my cheeks. She
kisses them gently away as she whispers my name. I want to
run as far away as possible from her. But my heart makes me
stay where I am. I can't move. I won't move.
As her lips touches mine I feel myself dying. She is the
magic in my life. She is the reason for everything. I want her
by my side. I need her. She the reason I'm alive.
I pull her closer as I kiss her lips. She opens herself for
me completely. I run my tongue, tracing the inside of her
lips and than I goo deeper. This is crazy but I can't pull
away from her. She's like poison in my veins. She's like
hot and cold all rapped up in one. She's heaven on this earth.
My hand touches the warmth of her back and traces her spine
up and down.
She sighs as I lay her down on the floor. Her eyes is dark as
I look at her. She's so beautiful. She reaches out for me and
I go to her. I kiss her with all the passion I have hidden for
so many years. She whispers my name into the dark as I lift
her shirt. Then my hand touches the scares on her stomach and
the reality of the situation comes back to haunt me. I trace
the scares with my finger as I look at her.
" I love you, Mulder. I always will."
I pull back from her afraid of her words. She looks at me
and I can see heaven in her eyes. She has so much going for
her. But all I can see is her face in the hospital-bed and in
my head I can hear the voices of the doctors saying that it's
up to god now.
I want to tell her how much I love her, how much I care. I want
to tell her that I would lay down my life if she asked me.
I would walk through fire for her. But I can't. Too many
people have been hurt in this fight. My father, my mother, my
sister, her family and herself. And all because of me.
All I want is to take her in my arms and tell her the truth
but I can't do that. I won't do that.
I pull away from her and I can see the sorrow in her eyes. I
know that I have to cause her more pain. I just wish that she
would know that it's all for the best.
I rise and walk up to the window. The moon has come out to
play. I feel so tired. I'm tired of struggling for the truth.
I'm tired of being alone.
I can feel her behind me. Her taste is still on my lips.
"Mulder, what's wrong?"
So this is it. I will push her away and hope she will
understand. I turn to her and look at her.
" I want you to know that I will always be there for you.
I will stand by your side until you ask me to leave. I love
you, Scully. I love you...as a friend."
The pain makes her eyes darker. In that moment I hate myself
more than ever but I remind myself that it's all for the best.
" Just as friends..."
" Yes."
Lies, lies, lies. All lies. I reach out for her but she pulls
away and I'm left feeling so cold.
" I'm sorry. I just..."
" You don't have to say anything. Please, don't say anything."
She turns her back to me and I close my eyes in a weak attempt
to shut the pain out. But it's too late now.
" Talk to me, Scully. "
" No..Please, leave."
" Scully..."
" Please, Mulder. "
I have broken her. I have caused her this pain. I try to
convince myself that it's all for the best as I move towards
the door. I'm saving her life.
My hands are shaking as I open the door. I stand there in the
doorway for a while, not wanting to leave just yet. I search
for the right words to say but I can't find any.
I turn around and look at her. I can see tears in her eyes.
" Good night, Scully. "
" Good night, Mulder."
Then I turn around and walk away.
I leave the car behind and decide to take a walk. Its
starts to rain. But I don't care. Let it come.
As I walk through the rain the tears come back.
Here I am, a hero.
A broken hero.
This is the death of a hero.
Feedback---- j_rothen@yahoo.se