Disclaimer: All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya!

EDIT 15/08/2012: I toned down the sexual themes in this fic, so don't be mad at me. Plus I made a few minor changes as well as changing Iceland's human name to Eirík, since it's a pretty popular fanon-name for him.

EDIT 18/03/2015: I changed Emil's name to Eirík, thanks to suggestions from a fellow fanfic-fan mentogum. Also, I made Berwald talk more properly. No more replacing vowels with apostrophes!

Eirík = Iceland

Lukas = Norway

Matthias = Denmark

Berwald = Sweden

Oh, and thanks for the positive reviews on the pilot version of this story! I really loved them xxx

Dear Diary…

My name is Eirík. I'm 16 years old and I'll soon be starting High School. But it won't be in Norway like my big brother Lukas promised because he was made redundant from his job and he won't have the money to send me to school.

Lukas isn't a bad person. He's seriously annoying sometimes in his own way. He's just always so CALM about stuff! When he came home and told me that the company he worked for went bust, he just said it with an expressionless face and dropped a letter in the bin. When he was upstairs showering, I rifled through the rubbish and looked at the crumpled piece of paper. Among all the jargon shit, it basically said that the boss of the company was arrested for money laundering and the company was actually built on the dirty money he used. Scary part was that he was laundering money to terrorists in the Middle East and my brother could've been arrested because he worked for the bastard, but thankfully he wasn't.

It's the holidays right now so I have plenty of time to find a job and pay for my own education. I just couldn't bear the thought of Lukas struggling to get money together just for me. I just…

Hold on, I can hear Lukas calling for me from upstairs.

Eirík.

Dear Diary.

Things just got freaking worse! When I went upstairs, Lukas just sat on the bed wearing a bathroom robe. His hair was dripping wet but his face didn't change, except it looked scarily serious.

"You know how we're going to have problems with money, right?" he started. I nodded, not saying anything. I was mentally planning to stick to my plan of getting myself a job.

"Well… Do you remember Matthias from Denmark?" he asked and I groaned.

"No freaking way! NO!" I yelled. "Do you remember what he was like when he lived with us? He hit you!"

"That was just the alcohol talking," Lukas dismissed me with a neutral expression. "Anyway, I called him and he said he'll-"

"No, he is NOT going to live with us!" I ranted. "He'll drink our money away and leave us on the street!"

It's true. He was always abusive to Lukas when he goes drinking. He has a SERIOUS drinking problem!

"He never hit you," Lukas said.

"That's because you defend me!"

"He wouldn't hurt you. He knows you're a nice kid."

"I kicked his arse!"

Yeah, I literally kicked his butt one Christmas party and he was really mad. He didn't show his madness, but I could see it boiling deep down… He's a violent man once he drinks alcohol.

"He's coming over first thing tomorrow so he could live with us. We were planning to move in together for some time anyway," Lukas said.

I groaned. "If he's coming here, then I'm moving out!"

"He's bringing a couple of friends over too, so we should tidy the place up more," Lukas said and stood up. "…Oh, and hide your manga, because we don't want Matthias knowing you like boys." A very light smile plays on his face as his eyes seem to lighten up. "He might get ideas involving you and me."

I stomped out the room and slammed the door hard enough to shake the house.

So now I'm sitting on my puny bed, writing away. They said at school that writing is a good way of expressing your anger. But how can it make me feel better if I'll never show this stupid thing to anyone?

Eirík.

Dear Diary.

I guess having a diary is a good idea. I didn't feel so angry after writing yesterday…

Breakfast was normal, Lukas spent most of yesterday cleaning up, then I hid all my manga under my bed in a cardboard box which I sellotaped shut and I wrote "READ THESE AND YOU DIE!" on it. I have normal manga… but I also have shojo-ai and shounen-ai… but having those doesn't mean I LIKE guys! I find girls attractive! After a while of tidying my room, I just vacuumed every floor in the house. It's been ages since we had someone come around to do the housecleaning, but Sophia (our former next door neighbour) got re-married. She was pretty. She was really tall and her hair was long and whispy, making her look like she has a halo of gold. Too bad she got married to some boring businessman. So since she left, I did the housecleaning and Lukas accepted my cleaning as a force of habit. I just don't like it when things are unorganised because it's annoying.

Not as annoying as Matthias Kohler, who walked into the house shouting "LUKAS~! EIRÍK~! I MISSED YOU GUYS!" even though we were just in the next room. He walked in wearing a stupid long black coat and a ridiculous hat that's propped lopsided constantly.

Lukas stood up to greet him (by saying his usual "Hi." as if he only saw him a day ago) and Matthias just grinned greatly as if Lukas announced he was made Prime Minister of Norway. God, everything Lukas says he gets Matthias grinning! It's like he doesn't know how to act NORMAL.

And E-W-W! Matthias just scooped Lukas up and kissed him, tilting his head back like they do in the movies! Bleh! His hand reached down and touched Lukas's butt… I huffed angrily and keep on writing in this…

"Don't you want one too, Eirík?" the Idiot asked, grinning, and then Lukas slapped him upside the head and he let him go, laughing.

While they talked (Matthias did all the talking) I doodled pictures of Matthias being hanged over a river by a creaky tree. They're just crappy stick figures…

"Where's Berwald?"

"He's out in the car!"

"Aren't you going to help him, Matthias?"

"He's strong! He can handle anything!"

"I'll help him."

Matthias and Lukas both stared at me when I said that. I just wanted to get out of there before any stupid arguments start.

Eirík.

Dear Diary.

Berwald Oxenstierna. That's the name of Matthias's friend. He's a weird guy. He doesn't say much at all. He's even quieter than Lukas and he's REALLY tall. I guess it's no surprise that when I went outside to help him carry stuff, he was already holding 4 suitcases without breaking a sweat. He gave me a long look before walking past into the house, where I heard Matthias yelling out something and Berwald grunted in response. I just shut the boot of the car and locked it.

When I got back inside, the suitcases were already taken upstairs to Lukas's room. I growled at the thought of those two cuddling each other while I'm in my freezing room. The windows in my bedroom weren't double-glazed so there's a constant cold draught. In the old days, Lukas allowed me to crawl into his large bed and we'd just hug each other under the thick blankets. I didn't do it as often when I turned 15 since a lot of teens DON'T sleep with their guardians/parents, but it was a secret of our own. But I know that from tonight onwards I'll just wear extra clothes in the comfort of my own bed. Whoopee-fucking-do.

So right now we're all sitting by the fire, chatting (Matthias talking away) and nodding politely (Berwald) and having snappy replies (mostly Lukas) or being the quiet one (me).

"What are ya writin'?"

I jumped a little and looked to my side. Berwald sat there with a straight expression. He doesn't seem interested.

"Just a journal," I replied dully. At least small talk is better than nothing.

"Hmm." Was all he 'said' before turning to Lukas. "I better get going. It's getting dark." Sure enough, the sun was sinking in the distance behind some mountains.

"You can stay for the night," Lukas suggested. "The sofa can unfold into a bed. We won't mind."

Of course, saying 'we' meant me and Lukas. Although I didn't agree to Lukas going out with that annoying Dane, I didn't exactly fly over the moon when Berwald shrugged and mumbled; "Thanks."

Eirík.

Dear Diary.

Ugh… I forgot how cold my room gets at night. The skies outside are clear and beautiful thanks to all the stars, but it was also very windy. I need to get outta here. I'll sit in front of the fire before it dies down completely…

Oh wait, I forgot that Matthias's 'good friend' Berwald is sleeping downstairs for the night. I don't feel like talking to anyone at the moment. I sighed. Maybe I'll just grab a carton of milk, drink up, think about the past 24 hours and then go to bed and wallow in my cold bed.

Eirík.

Dear Diary.

You wouldn't believe Berwald. He's not as quiet as I thought. When I went downstairs and walked past the living room, he was talking into his mobile. He had a smile on his face. I stopped and listened, surprised that he can smile. I guess he isn't a total robot after all.

"…It's great to hear that. Eduard's spoilin' ya too much."

A giggly voice was heard from the mobile. They spoke. Berwald nodded, still smiling. "You should just get married or somethin'…" He suddenly paused. I held my breath, thinking he heard my low breathing, but then he said, "well, I wish you happiness…"

I sighed slowly in relief. I walked to the kitchen as quietly as I can and I grabbed some milk from the fridge and gulped it all down. It's a big sacrifice to have my bare feet freezing off against the cold floor, but at least I got my milk.

But then I didn't realise until I shut the door of the fridge that someone (most likely Matthias) re-arranged the alphabet fridge magnets into a sentence saying: "EiríkxFridge." I frowned and re-read it in the dim light from the moon outside before I groaned lowly and faceplanted my hand. Matthias. I quietly wondered if he was dropped on his head as a baby.

I threw the empty milk carton into the bin and walked past the living room, trying not to look in there in case Berwald saw me. Not that I cared or anything. The milk works on me since I started to feel drowsy and I climbed the stairs…

Oh my god I don't know if I should really write stuff down… But… I feel mentally scarred.

I walked past the door of Lukas's room and I heard weird noises. Okay, if I could go back in time I'd carry on walking, but the door was slightly ajar and I went to peek…

Groaning. Lukas's groan.

I panicked, thinking that Matthias was hurting Lukas, but I didn't run in when I heard him cry out "more".

I looked. My heart leaped and dropped. I don't know how to describe it.

My stomach was just churning at the noises. I knew what they were doing, I'm not dumb, I never done it before, but I never expected to see them like this. I never expected to see Lukas looking so vulnerable (as he lay below Matthias in their bed, cheeks flushed pink and eyes shut with his wrists pinned above his head) when he was always tall and strong in my eyes.

I don't know why I stood there, eyes as big as fucking dinner plates. I just watched like some stupid pervert. I would've hissed at my own stupidity and turn around to run to my room, slam the door shut, lock it, barricade it, hide myself in my bed with this diary as company and not EVER look at ANYONE in the eye… but when I did turn to walk away, my fists were just shaking so much from clenching that I felt my nails bite into the skin, causing them to bleed. I didn't feel any pain. I was too… angry. And upset.

I rarely cry. But I do cry more than Lukas in my lifetime. Right now, they were steaming hot as they ran down my cheeks. My body shook so much; I couldn't tell if it's cold or hot. I don't know why I'm so upset that they're having such a great time-

"Eirík?"

I sniffed and turned around in surprise. Berwald was by the stairs, frowning. He glanced at Lukas's bedroom door and… I think he grunted. His grunt sounded furious and turned back to me. I can't tell if he was mad at me for being up this late (I'm not a kid.) But then his eyes looked different. There was something that I never noticed before in those eyes of his. They weren't narrowed in anger or suspicion… but they seemed sad and… open-minded? No, it was sympathy. What the hell does he want to sympathise about with me?

"Don't look at me like that!" My voice was meant to come out as furious, but it was cracked and broken and more tears ran down my cheeks. I turned and ran towards my room before slamming the door behind me and locking it.

Right now, I just couldn't sleep. Even the milk wasn't working and I'll be damned if I had to go back downstairs and possible face anyone after seeing Matthias and Lukas going at it tonight. I don't know who to kill. Maybe I'll kill myself or cut myself because when my nails cut my skin, the pain was soon over. But this stupid swirl of emotions in my head were killing me longer, spinning around like a stupid noisy washing machine with Lukas's cries and me yelling at Berwald.

Outside, the sun was creeping up. But I did NOT sleep a wink. Today's gonna be a load of shit if I'm tired. If I was a girl, people will say I'm on a period. Except I'd kill them on the spot.

I just wanna crawl under my bed and die slowly. Lukas was everything in my life. I don't get why he'd have to suck up to that Danish bastard. And Berwald! He's really weird! I don't get why he looked at me as if he's feeling sorry for me! What does HE know about me? I don't give a crap about anyone or anything! I just don't care anymore!

Eirík.