The Spare Rib Project
With apologies to the makers
of "The Blair Witch Project", "Pirates of the Caribbean", and to Dante
Alighieri for stealing their intellectual property and turning it into
a few silly jokes. I hope Sudoku doesn't mind if I borrow her word
"eunuchy"! (Don't worry, this is not going to be a Will-bashing story,
he was only the first to be made fun of - the others will follow soon :
) )
Chapter 1 – Terra Incognita
One fine day on board the Black Pearl, our beloved pirate captain Jack Sparrow decided that he and his crew had deserved a time-out, and so gave each crewmember their share of the last booty and set course for Tortuga. "Aren't you coming, too?" asked Mr Gibbs just as they were lowering the boats to row ashore. "No, thanks," Jack replied, "I just want to take a few days off, there are tons of books in my cabin I haven't read yet, and I really must tidy it up…" He was lying, of course, since he wanted to get ashore as much as the others; however, he still had a sore cheek and a numb ear from his last encounter with Scarlett and Giselle, and he didn't want to risk bumping into them again. Boy, he'd never understand why they made such a fuss about him stealing their mascara…Women!!!
"But we can't let you stay on board all alone while everyone else is having fun!" exclaimed Will when all the others had left. "Why don't we take a boat and have a nice barbecue on one of those small, undiscovered islands we saw on the journey here?" "That's a nice idea," Elizabeth affirmed. "Come on, Jack, let's borrow a small fishing boat and sail there. Just imagine what fun we'll have!" Jack made a face. "Fun? I'd rather be monkey-sitting for Barbossa and allow the little furry cockroach to throw my hat into the sea again!" Elizabeth gave Will a conspiratorial wink. "Jack…there'll be beer. And rum. And lots of delicious pickled spare ribs." Jack's face lit up when Elizabeth mentioned his favourite drink. "Oh, alright, I'll come along then. Just don't try anything funny with that flint and steel."
A short time later the three climbed on board of a stolen – sorry, borrowed – fishing boat with a single lateen sail and set off to the nice little island they'd seen before, with Jack staring intently at the compass and yelling commands to Elizabeth and Will.
After two and a half hours, and only three major arguments they finally reached the shores of the little island, and Will unloaded the boat while Elizabeth dug a barbecue pit and Jack sauntered off into the woods to find some fruit and coconuts. "I just hope he doesn't come back looking like a fruit shish kebab again and runs along the beach screaming and flailing his arms as if he were a turkey with its tail on fire," sighed Will. "It's a sight I don't want to see again in my life, one time has been more than enough. I had to sleep with the light on for weeks after that…" Elizabeth patted Will's hand and gave him an encouraging smile.
When Jack returned he had several colourful feathers and flowers in his hair, but he hadn't found a single fruit. Elizabeth sighed. "I think I can understand why you get slapped all the time," she said. "Sit down over there, don't move and don't get in the way."
Jack sat down, and as he did, he almost overturned the bowl that held the delicious pickled spare ribs Elizabeth had brought along. "You idiot!" she yelled, making Jack flinch and have a short but frightening vision of a very large fire. But, being the cool and heroic pirate that he is, he soon got himself under control again. "That's CAPTAIN Idiot for you!!!" he replied at the top of his voice, and a few innocent little shrubs behind Elizabeth wilted on the spot when they came into contact with his breath. They spent some more time having a shouting match and didn't notice that Will, instead of being eunuchy as usual, had actually made himself useful and wandered off into the forest to find some fruit.