Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor do I own the song Cannonball by Damien Rice.
Float Like A Cannonball
"Well this sucks…" Gojyo coughed, the sound rattling in his chest as fresh blood appeared on his lips.
"Stop talking," was all the response he got from Hakkai as the brunet strained to call upon his chi and heal the wounded kappa.
"Stop, Hakkai. You're half dead as it is, you don't have the strength – cough – or the extra chi to be wasting it on me." It was a struggle to finish that sentence, breaths coming with much labor as blood pooled in his lungs.
"It's my chi and I'll waste it if I want." Hakkai replied petulantly; he refused to give up now. Not when they were here. They had reached Houtou castle, halted Gyumaou's resurrection, but at what cost?
Both sides had sustained severe casualties. In fact, Goku was the only one who had come out barely scathed. Hakkai had seen him earlier with Sanzo's head in his lap. The priest had been injured, but not mortally so.
Yaone was busy tending to both Dokugakuji and Lirin. Kougaiji had not survived his final fight against Goku, and from the reaction of Gojyo's brother, that was one wound that would never heal for the older man.
A bloodstained hand gripped one of his wrists.
"Stop." Gojyo's voice was soft and tired, but there was a strength there that Hakkai knew well. It was there in every fight they had been in on their journey, in every conversation they had late at night, in every move the other man made. It spoke of his conviction, his determination, and his stubbornness.
Hakkai lowered his hands, reabsorbing the visible chi back into his body. Gently he moved Gojyo's prone form so that the older man's head rested comfortably in his lap. One hand held tight to Gojyo's while the other traced the sharp lines of the redhead's face with a loving touch.
"I don't want to be without you." He whispered softly.
Gojyo's mouth tightened for a moment before another coughing fit seized him. When he could draw enough air to speak again, his tone was flat and clipped, "Don't even think about it 'kai." He knew where the other man's thoughts were turning, had saved him from that place once before.
"I'm not strong enough to be here twice." Was all Hakkai replied.
"You are. You will be. Don't throw this away." Gojyo coughed again, more blood this time, his body arching upwards with the force of the spasms. His eyes stayed closed when the coughing subsided, lungs struggling to fill with air. "Never – gasp – forget… love… you…" His chest stilled and his hold on Hakkai's hand loosened.
Hakkai whimpered, not a very dignified sound, but there was nothing dignified about him now. His heart was breaking. If he had thought his life was over when Kanan died, it was nothing to the way he felt now. A wail escaped him, carrying up to the high ceilings of the castle and echoing with unearthly clarity.
The sound was joined by more wails and harsh screams of denial as they tore themselves from his throat. Tears blurred his vision as he buried his face in the bloody material that covered the now still chest of his lover and best friend.
Hakkai woke with a start, heart pounding, sheets soaked with sweat. The same nightmare. Every night now since he had returned here. Rolling over he buried his face in the second pillow, breathing deeply. Sometimes he thought he could smell Gojyo's lingering scent, which was absurd considering how long they had been gone.
Climbing from the bed he shuffled into the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. His skin was pale and stretched tightly across his skin. He had lost too much weight, and had been getting too little sleep. His hair was long and lank, he hadn't cut it since that day.
Sad green eyes stared back at him, and for one quick moment another face was superimposed over his, one with smiling scarlet eyes and a thin smirking mouth. It was gone before he could blink.
Sliding to the floor, he bit his lip to contain the sobs that wanted to break free. Gojyo had been wrong. He wasn't strong enough. He couldn't do this a second time. Life had been cruel to deal him a second blow like this, and he didn't want to line himself up for a third.
Getting to his feet he returned to the bedroom and knelt before the bed. Reaching under it, he pulled forward a small box. Lifting the lid with trembling hands, he removed the contents carefully.
He took his time writing the note. Even if it was only a few short sentences, he made sure that the strokes in the kanji were perfect.
Love taught me to cry. Life taught me to die. It's not hard to fall.
Setting the note aside, he held the sharp blade in his hands reverently.
"I'm sorry Gojyo." He said softly to the stillness of the empty room. "I can't be as strong as you say I am. I tried, really I did. But all I ever think about is you."
When Sanzo and Goku came by later the next day, Sanzo paused at the door, knowing something was wrong. The air was tomblike in the house, too still, and too silent. Holding Goku back with one hand, he told him to stay there until he said so.
Making his way through the house, he froze when he entered the bedroom, the smell of drying blood still sharp in the air.
Kneeling beside the lifeless form, his fingers gently brushed strands of hair away from the brunet's pale face as he began to chant a sutra, his voice low. When he was done he stood slowly.
"Idiot. You know he's going to beat the shit out of you on the other side." Sanzo muttered, before lighting a cigarette and going back to the front door to usher Goku from the house, waving of the monkey's questions about why they weren't staying today.
He would tell him when they returned to the temple, far enough away that the stupid monkey couldn't do anything rash. And fuck the temple's rules about suicide, Hakkai would be buried in hallowed ground next to Gojyo; even if he had to dig the damn grave himself.
Owari