Obvious spoilers here and there for Frozen
Elsa should have been trying to sleep. But as she marched to Anna's bedroom door, she was really trying not to think.
If she thought, she couldn't ignore how she had no right to do this. If she thought, she'd have to think about what she'd actually do if she succeeded. If she thought, thoughts of actually being alone with her sister – really, truly alone – for the first time since she thawed would paralyze her with fear.
Thoughts leading to fear. Maybe this wasn't a brand new warm world after all.
And that's why it was time to stop thinking.
Of course, Elsa went far enough that she didn't even listen to Anna when she answered her door. She couldn't even make comments about her bed head – a small but still tragic side effect.
All Elsa could do was ask Anna to follow her, and merely say she had something to show her. Without explaining why she had to show it at 1 in the morning. Yet she still followed her, which could have been a good or bad sign.
It would be good. For once in her life, Elsa would make something good for Anna. As long as she didn't have to figure out what that was yet, she could live in that happy bubble. After living in sad ones for 13 years, happy ones couldn't be that hard.
Potentially sadder in the end, maybe. And the evils of thinking strike again.
Enough so that she almost missed her destination, apparently. But Elsa course corrected in time and got to where she wanted to go.
Anna, on the other hand, didn't follow her.
Now that she'd actually stopped talking and asking questions, she was left speechless. Her guesses about chocolate ice rinks were way wrong.
This….this was something she'd never expected. Even though it was technically her lifelong dream.
But now she was standing in front of Elsa's bedroom – her bedroom with a wide open door. With Elsa inside, waiting for Anna to come in. And she didn't know what to say.
If open doors were the key to making Anna pipe down, Kristoff had better be sleeping under Sven right now.
Otherwise….she didn't know what to do. After 13 years, her endless optimism and hopes aside….she never actually thought she'd get that far. Elsa opening up her bedroom to Anna, waiting there for her…. waiting to share something with her sister….
How did this work again?
Well, actually getting in the bedroom was a start. Even Anna could see that. At least when Elsa had her "too nervous to look at Anna" face back on. Nothing worked with that around.
"So, uh….whatcha need?" Anna couldn't stop herself from asking. But her lack of grammar was the last thing on Elsa's mind.
"I don't know," Elsa actually admitted. Saying things to distract herself from bad thoughts and fears….that was new.
But so many things were new right now. New things she had no idea how to handle. New things she wanted all her life….and now had no idea what to do with.
"I didn't actually think I'd get this far," Elsa had no choice but to admit. She foolishly thought the gesture alone would be enough. Of course it wasn't. Nothing could be.
Anna gasped, yet it wasn't a sad, disappointed or an "ashamed of Elsa" gasp. That was….progress.
Keeping shameful things hidden had worked too well for 13 years. If not doing that was progress… "I have no idea how to talk to you!" Elsa let out.
Okay, that was overkill. Of course she couldn't even get that right.
Elsa just sat on the edge of her bed, before she made it worse. Yet Anna still came over and sat next to her, furthering the temptation to screw it up worse. "So we're….out of practice. We'll get it right," Anna broke the ice.
"When? What else has to happen?" Elsa lamented. Well, no sense letting false hope survive now.
"You're alive, I'm getting better, it's summer again….I opened my door for you! And I still…." Elsa sighed. "I don't even know how to make you gossip about you and your mountain guy! What kind of sister am I?" she asked a question she could never forget the answer to.
Maybe any hope she had of forgetting was foolish.
"I have everything I've ever wanted. For so, so long," Elsa sighed. "And I'm still just….just the freak who doesn't know how to be around….the only person who's ever loved her."
Anna was moments from reminding Elsa that their parents loved her. But something told her that bringing them up wasn't the best move right now. Olaf loved her, but he wasn't a human person. And Elsa made him to love her, so maybe it didn't count.
Then what was gonna work? She didn't know all that stuff Elsa didn't know about either! So what good was she? For all that Elsa said about Anna loving her, she didn't even know how….
"You wanna know what I told Olaf? When I was freezing?" Anna said without thinking. Unlike all those other times she spoke without thinking, this time she thought she was onto something. "I told him I didn't know anything about love."
"I wonder why that is," Elsa admitted. "Who failed to show you, I wonder?"
"No, that's just it, you did! Did show me, not did fail! That's the point!" Anna almost jumped up. "Okay, so I thought you hated me for no reason. So you kept me away when I could have helped you. But now I know you thought you were protecting me. Because you loved me too much to ever let me get hurt."
Before Elsa could make some comment about hurting her anyway, Anna looked her square in the eyes and said, "In some weird, accident way….you were showing me how to love every day. I just couldn't see it, that's all. Now I see you have more love for me….for this kingdom, for everything….than anyone could ever have. Really….the only reason I know how to love is you. So….thank you."
Thank you?
Before she thawed the kingdom, those were words no one had ever said to Elsa before. Not once. Of course, since it wouldn't need thawing if it wasn't for her, she didn't think it counted. Maybe this didn't count too.
And yet, hearing it from Anna now, in this way….in this place, at this time….Elsa wanted to count it so much. Could she dare?
"Hey, and you built Olaf! That's gotta count for something too!" Anna chimed in.
"How?" was all Elsa could say, despite all she was thinking.
"You made a snowman that loves everything, even summer! Where do you think that love came from?" Anna asked, almost teasingly since she knew she was right. "You made someone ice cold who wants to be warm, wants to be friends with everything, and just wants to give and get warm hugs all the time! How did you come up with…."
And just like that, it came to Anna. Enough that she'd never hated her big mouth more in her whole life.
The fact that Elsa made someone who yearned for warmth, friendship, hugs and love more than anything….even though being warm would kill him….
The fact she made someone who was brave enough to melt for Anna, when she needed him the most….
The fact Olaf was made to love warm hugs, by someone who'd never felt warmth – from herself or anyone – and by someone who couldn't let herself touch with gloves, let alone hug….
Suddenly, something and someone that looked so goofy on the surface became so….tragic. Anna couldn't believe she didn't see it before.
And from the way Elsa was looking at her now, it seemed she was just seeing it too. "I know how…" Elsa said quietly, confirming Anna's worst fears.
At that moment, Anna wished she could take back all of it. Every moment she spent wallowing in her own misery, whining about what she didn't have. Every moment she thought Elsa hated her for no reason. Every time she thought Elsa had no love in her heart. Every time Anna thought she was the trapped, wronged, imprisoned one.
Nothing Anna supposedly suffered from compared to Elsa. She knew it ever since the incident – but this was the first time she really knew it. The real heartbreak and horror she put herself through, by choice – well, maybe not by choice at first.
For the first time in forever – for real this time – Anna wished her parents were alive so she could yell at them. She wished she could yell at anyone. Anyone who could be blamed for everything Elsa lost and never had. Everything neither of them knew how to get back.
Maybe yelling wasn't the right thing to want right now, though. As Anna saw Elsa put her head down, tears once again threatening to escape, she didn't want to yell.
All she wanted was to give Elsa every warm hug in the world – even more than Olaf. Every hug, every act of love, every bit of compassion she was denied all her life – even from Anna. Everything Elsa never had that she'd created Olaf to want so much. Heck, she'd probably never touched anything or anyone without gloves! No wonder she didn't know….
Then it hit Anna again. All these hits were making her feel punchy, really. But she was sitting next to the strongest person who ever lived. A few punches wouldn't hurt.
Anna was so used to being big, boisterous and touchy feely – she wondered why. That wasn't what Elsa needed right now. She might want it more than anything, but she still didn't know how to handle it or trust it.
She'd spent so long denying herself real human comfort, and so long thinking she didn't deserve it. Even the smallest, basic acts of love and compassion everyone took for granted….were so foreign to Elsa.
For once, Anna wouldn't go over the top to show her.
All she would do is reach over to Elsa's gloveless hands, and do something no one had ever done for her before.
Then when she took them – barely bothered by the cold – she did something else no one had for Elsa. Said something else, really. Something Elsa should have heard every day. Something Anna should have told her before she ever left the palace.
"I'm so, so sorry, Elsa," Anna somehow said without crying. "For everything."
She was sorry?
She was….touching her and apologizing to her? What was this?
Elsa knew what it was, of course. She wasn't that shut off from humanity. But after a lifetime of hating what she was, and thinking she had to be sorry for it….so much that she had to be cut off from all human contact….
Now the person she owed more apologies to than anyone was….doing all this? For her?
And why was she just holding her hands? Anna was more of a hugger than anything. Not that Elsa would know first hand.
Sure, they'd hugged on impulse after Anna's….act of love paid off. And she had to touch her to help her skate yesterday. But this….this was the first time Anna had really touched her in 13 years. The first time anyone had. And Anna knew it and knew why now.
It was just starting to make sense to her when Anna spoke again. "As long as I'm here – right here – I won't ever let you feel….nothing, ever again. I promise," she said, as serious as she'd ever said anything.
"You tried to save my life every day. You really saved it when you made Olaf. I wouldn't have gotten out to save you if it wasn't for him. For the snowman you built for me," Anna nearly teared up at that latest irony. "You saved my life first….and I'm not gonna stop paying you back. Ever. Okay?" Anna asked nervously.
At that point, Anna thought she'd gone too far again. Like she did at the ball. Giving poor Elsa way more than she was able to handle. At any moment, she thought she'd take her hands away and leave because of it.
Like Anna had pretty much trained herself to believe all these years. That reaching out to Elsa would only end with her pulling away. And Anna was still believing it, even now. If she still did, what was Elsa thinking?
Well, none of them would think different unless one of them did. Anna figured it would have to be her, then.
So instead of letting Elsa get away, Anna held her hands tighter. She poured all the warmth she had into it – all the warmth Elsa had never been allowed to feel. Whether warm hugs really worked or not, Anna hoped this worked just the same too.
Elsa knew what she should say. What she'd trained herself to believe. That Anna had no reason to pay her back or show her any gratitude. That it was all Elsa's fault, and she's the one that owed Anna everything. Owed her real love, real companionship, real family, everything she'd never had because of her….
And yet for someone who never had those things, she was kind of good at it now.
How could Anna say she knew nothing about love? Her love saved Elsa and the entire kingdom. Even before….that day.
Elsa knew nothing about love, except the love Anna showed every day by knocking on her door. Even when Anna knew she'd never answer, and never knew why. Yet she kept coming because she loved her and didn't want her to be alone anymore.
And now Elsa wasn't alone. She didn't know how not to feel alone….but once again, Anna was teaching her. Her little sister in name only was teaching her – truly protecting her.
Elsa had seen that look on Anna's face. The one where she expected Elsa to turn her away and shut her out at any moment. It haunted her nightmares for too many years. Even now, it still wasn't gone – but neither was Anna.
She didn't have to leave, either.
She was holding Elsa's bare, cold hands, and she wasn't hurt. Elsa wouldn't let her get hurt. Not anymore. Anna would never live knowing the person who loved her the most wanted nothing to do with her. Not ever again.
And now….Elsa could make sure of that, and keep her in the same room at the same time. She could do so much more than that now, too.
Nothing would ever be enough, though. 13 years of shutting her out didn't just go away. Nothing she ever did would erase that. There was no big enough gesture, not enough hugs, not enough "I love you"'s to cover up the damage she'd done.
Maybe she didn't need them. If Anna, of all people, could use the smallest gestures to show her so much, maybe Elsa could too.
Maybe she didn't know where to go from there. Maybe she wasn't equipped to think of how.
But there was one thing she could do. One thing she could finally let herself do. Perhaps the rest would come from there.
That was the only reason Elsa let herself go from Anna's grip. Before Anna could even think she was pulling away, Elsa used a big gust to finally shut the door.
Shut the door while both of them were in the same room together. Keep them both safe and sound together.
The sheer novelty of that nearly made Elsa crack up. From Anna's puzzled face, she was probably grinning like an idiot anyway. Grinning like she'd never felt the need to grin before.
Maybe she smiled like that while she made the ice palace. But even then, she was all alone. Not this time.
With that fueling her, Elsa made the happiest blizzard of her life. Certainly the only happy one she ever made in this room. By the time she was finished, there was a big pile of snow surrounding them. It looked just big enough.
Anna got herself up and tried to brush it off – and that she was standing in several feet of snow with only slippers on. Elsa looked way too happy for that to matter, though.
"There's something…..something I've wanted to say yes to for 13 years. Every single day," Elsa's voice cracked, and not from the cold. "I'm hoping it's all right to ask anyway."
It all hit her, in a flood of joy she never imagined she deserved to feel. Yet for the first time, Elsa didn't care about that. All she ever cared about was here with her, ready to hear something she'd waited a lifetime for. Something Elsa would make sure she'd never go without again, even if she didn't know how beyond tonight.
Elsa could actually try and give things like that now. She would never stop trying to give them to her now. Give Anna anything close to what she'd given her.
With the warmest smile and tone of voice she'd ever used, Elsa asked, "Do you wanna build –"
"YES!"
Okay, so Anna could only restrain herself for so long. Good to know that now. After she ruined Elsa's big moment. Still, Anna tried to compose herself and say, "Sure. Why not?" like it was no biggie. Overcompensating the other way, really.
Before she let that get her down, Anna figured out something much better. "On one condition."
"Of course, anything!" Elsa said. So she could only stand her ground for so long. Good to know.
"Can we do it….with our hands? Nothing else?" Anna asked. No powers, no bringing it to life, nothing. Just something normal that two normal sisters could build together. Like nothing they'd ever made or done before. "I don't think Olaf's ready for a brother yet."
"No, you're right," Elsa agreed. "I….I don't think he needs one anyway. He's got everything he ever wanted now. He wouldn't need to build anything else anymore."
"That's all I ever wanted for him," Anna shared. Before she stopped pretending they were still talking about Olaf, she got to work making his not-brother. Elsa soon joined her without another word.
Building anything without powers was an adjustment for Elsa. She was certainly out of practice using her hands for manual labor. About half the time, the two sisters were quiet too. Yet it was the first quiet they shared that wasn't filled with neglect, shame and fear. That, more than anything else, is why neither of them broke it for a while.
The comfortable silence still held when they admired what they built. Objectively, it wasn't much to admire. There were no twigs to use for hair, Sven had eaten all the carrots, they had to take buttons off Anna's dresses to use for eyes, and Elsa actually drew the smile with her bare finger.
Leaving all that aside, it was perfect. What they built together was perfect. And even after all this contact, it was still holding.
Elsa stood next to Anna, not knowing how to say this in words. She just knew she didn't want to conceal it from her.
So she felt. She reached out to Anna's bare, wet hand and took it. Anna gasped, louder than she should have.
She would probably always gasp every time Elsa reached out to her. Somehow still thinking she would take it back at any moment. Give her a taste of everything she wanted, only to make it hurt worse when it went away without warning – like when they were little kids.
Anna wouldn't look at her for that reason. Either that or she'd cry uncontrollably if she did. At least until the tears froze her cheeks.
But when she felt the sheer warmth from Elsa's hand – the warmth she'd never really lost all along – Anna was more content not to look at her.
This was more than enough. More than she'd ever really believed could happen. And she knew Elsa felt the same.
Elsa also felt that when they moved, she would have to freeze the snowman. Put it out on the square as a sculpture or monument or something.
Either way, it wasn't going anywhere.
Like Anna had never gone anywhere.
Like Elsa would never go anywhere again. But not the kind of "never go anywhere" she'd lived under for 13 years.
As Anna's hand squeezed hers back, for the first time in forever, Elsa felt so happy to be in her bedroom.
And like that, for tonight, everything else was let go.
THE END