Disclaimer: No...I don't own Grey's Anatomy. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Ok...so this came to me randomly. Some of you may be thinking how the heck could this happen? And honestly...I don't know. But it was different...and I like different...so I wrote it.

It's a MerDer fanfic...

She Doesn't Even Know

He found out today. She's pregnant. His wife told him. And she doesn't even know. How his wife knows but she doesn't, he'll leave at the fact that she's one of the best neo-natal surgeons in the world.

His wife seems to think she's about two months along.

Two months. Two months.

Two months ago, they were together. Two months ago, they were happy. Two months ago, he was happy.

Two months ago, he didn't feel like he was missing something.

Two months ago, he was in love. And now, two months later, he's still in love.

They're on a walk with Doc. Their walks. He loves these walks. These are the times they don't have to be professional or deal with Addison. They can be "just friends", or they can try. But it's almost as if he knows they'll never be just friends. They'll always have that something more.

He's just trying to give a little more. He trying to help her in the way that he can right now. He knows he needs to be there for her, she's got so much on her plate. And now this. And she doesn't even know.

They talk about things. She tells him about some of the things she's going through. And he tells her about the things he's trying to deal with. She's the only one he can really talk to, she gets him. In every possible way.

He wants to tell her now, but how can he? How can he tell her that she's pregnant…that he knows? When she doesn't. How can he tell her that the only other time he's felt more excited was when he realized he was in love with her. And then how can he tell her that his wife was the one that figured it out?

They're working on a case together. The woman is pregnant, but she has a tumor in her brain. They don't know if she'll live long enough to have the baby.

She looks so sad as they stand quietly next to each other in the elevator. And she turns to him, "How can we tell her that she's going to die? How do we tell her that she's going to lose her child, her baby? You know, I've always wanted a kid. Maybe not right now, but eventually..."

She looks at him sadly, and he knows what she's thinking. He knows she's thinking that they could have had a kid. He knows because…it's what he's thinking too. The only thing different is, he knows that it's not could have but will have. He knows and she doesn't.

The woman died today. She was so upset. He was there for her in the only way he knew how. He was there for her in the way only he could be. He held her tightly and whispered soft things in her ear. And he's so glad they're in this moment. He's so glad, that if the world stopped, he wouldn't have cared and probably wouldn't have noticed. Because he would do anything to stay in this moment.

The days drag on and he feels like he's barely living. He's only truly alive when she's around. And he still hasn't told her. He hoped she would have figured it out by now, but he knows she hasn't because he would be able to tell. He knows her better than anyone else, he knows when something's different. And yet he still doesn't tell her because he doesn't know how. And he still hopes she'll figure it out.

He's very good at being in denial.

She seems a little sick today, and he's worried about her. He tells her she needs to go home, but she insists that she's fine. He sighs and tells her she'll be working with him today, so he can keep a close eye on her. She laughs and tells him to stop being so protective. It's one of their moments. The moments when he forgets Addison, when he forgets all the problems. He's totally wrapped up in her.

"That seems to happen often," He thinks to himself.

The only time he ever feels content are the moments with her. The only time he feels happy, really and truly happy, are the moments with her. But every time he feels like his whole world would end if she wasn't there, especially in these moments with her. But before he can let himself be happy, he must forgive his wife. He's working on that. He's working harder than he's ever worked in his entire life. Because he wants to move on, with Meredith. He does love his wife, she gave him 11 years. But he has found true love. That soulmate love that you think only exists in movies. He didn't know what he was missing until he found her. But he let her go, and now he's missing something again.

Except this time, he knows what it is. And it's the most painful thing in the world to watch her leave the hospital knowing he won't be going home with her.

Home.

When he thinks of home, he thinks of her. He feels at home with her, everything feels so right. And now he can't kiss her, or snuggle with her, or tell her how much he loves her. He can't smell her lavender scented hair he loves so much, can't watch her get dressed, can't eat dinner or breakfast with her. He can't hold her hand and kiss her neck. Or have that feeling he gets when her head is resting on his chest while they sleep. He can't feel her head on his shoulder whenever they hug or are pressed together on the couch, limbs entangled. Their bodies so close, they can't tell what belongs to whom.

He misses her most, everything about her. And he can't stand it. He can't stand being apart from her.

They're having a good day. They're not fighting for once and she's not complaining about something. And it appears that this marriage might survive. But that's just the way it appears. He has no passion for her anymore, he has no love. She is now more like a friend who he fights with all the time.

He feels guilty for it not working out, but he doesn't regret it. He's glad that he was a part of his marriage, it taught him many things. But he's glad that it's over. It was time; they were both living a lie. And so they walked out with the dignity they had left. And hope that one day, they could be friends.

He sees her filling out charts. His heart beats faster, and he smiles without any effort- without even knowing that he's actually smiling. His pulse races, his stomach clinches, his heart surges with love and warmth, and he feels like he's living. Just like everytime he sees her. He feels like he can't breathe, but for some reason, he doesn't notice. He's too busy wrapped up in her.

And is it him, or does it appear that her stomach is growing?

She looks up and notices him watching her. She smiles at him slightly with hope, love, but also fear in her eyes.

And he notices that something's different.

She knows.

So he walks toward her. Toward his everything, toward his world.

Toward his future.

Alright..so what did you think? hahah crazy huh? how could she not know...but Addison and Derek could? I don't know. It's just no one writes things through Derek's POV and I think that can be really important. I know it was a little clichéish...sorry about that. That's just the way it is. Soooo please tell me what you think! It really means a lot!

I MIGHT write a SECOND CHAPTER...but I don't know. It would be about how she tells him and how things end up. SO it's up to you.

A second chapter?
Leave it there.

You decide.

Thanks!
Mads