Being Civil

by EGB Fan

Peter and Dana Venkman are invited to an event in London. Dana's ex-husband's son is marrying another man. What will The Stiff make of that?

Disclaimer: Ghostbusters © Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Columbia Pictures. This story features a great many original characters, all the creations of the author.

Ghostbusters: Being Civil

Friday, August 5th 2022

"Okay, so… where did your lose your virginity?"

Hayden Wallance looked expressionlessly at his companion, and said, "That's a very personal question, Jessica."

"C'mon, just show me," Jessica Venkman replied, unfazed.

"Right, okay then."

Hayden began to pick his way through the crowd of children milling around on the floor, and Jessica did her best to follow him. That was the problem with the London Eye: whom you had to share a pod with was complete pot luck. They just happened to be in one with a huge family of Scottish people, and a smaller family consisting of two young children and a mother who talked constantly on her mobile phone and didn't take a blind bit of notice of them.

"We were at her house," said Hayden, "so… over there somewhere," and he pressed his finger to the glass.

"That's near your parents' place," said Jessica.

"It's quite near, I suppose."

"She was PLU, then?" This was an expression that came from Hayden's mother's late father, which the family often quoted in jest, and it stood for "People Like Us".

"Oh yes, she was definitely PLU," said Hayden. "We were at school together."

"And you were at her place when it happened? I thought it was Christmas Eve."

"It was."

"Where were her parents?"

"Midnight mass."

"Oh," said Jessica, "you have got to be kidding me."

"They were extremely religious," said Hayden. "They thought I was brilliant - they had no idea I was sleeping with their daughter. She told them she was ill."

"And there was I thinking I was a bad influence on you."

"Not at all - I was seducing women and deceiving their parents long before you came back into my life. Anything else you want to see?"

"What about your first kiss? Where was that?"

"The other side of the river," said Hayden, turning round and looking wearily at the gaggle of Scottish children, who had now started to play leapfrog all over the place. "Could we stay here for a bit?"

"You had your first kiss north of the river, huh?"

"I'm afraid so. Please don't tell my father."

"I guess it'd be kind of the last straw for him right now, wouldn't it?"

"I suppose it would." Hayden turned round again, leant forward on the railing that ran around the middle of the pod and looked out over London, his old home. "God, I feel like such a tourist. I haven't been on this thing since it first opened."

"Really?" said Jessica. "You must have only been about six."

"Yes, I suppose I must have been. You just don't if you live here, like you don't go running up and down the Statue of Liberty all the time. Or if you live in Brighton you don't go on the pier."

"What's so special about the pier?"

"You're joking," said Hayden. "Brighton Pier is famous."

"Is it?"

"If Brighton Pier was in America, everyone in the world would know about it."

"Yeah, well, what can you do?"

"Will you marry me?"

Jessica blinked at him. "I already did."

"Well," said Hayden, "if I'd proposed up here the first time, you would have said no."

"Would I?"

"I expect so. You didn't want a premeditated romantic proposal, did you?"

"No," said Jessica, "I didn't. Okay, good call. That was sudden."

"Yes, well," said Hayden, "I had to pick the moment. We're at the top now."

"Oh yeah, so we are. That was fast. It's weird how it doesn't look like it's moving from a distance - it's not even that slow once you get inside."

"It's less effort than the Eiffel Tower, isn't it?"

"If you'd proposed on the Eiffel Tower, I'd have… I'd have…"

"You'd have thrown me off it?"

"Well," said Jessica, "maybe. Hey, who proposed out of Lars and Nathan?"

"Lars did," said Hayden.

"Really? That's weird, I thought it'd be Nathan - you know, because he's the more kind of openly gay one."

"Well, that's sort of why Lars proposed first. He thinks given that he is gay, it'll be more acceptable to people if they get, um…"

"Married."

"Come on, Jessica, you know better than that. There should be an equivalent verb-slash-adjective for civil partners."

"I've never been to a gay wedding before."

"Civil ceremony."

"Oh, stop it," said Jessica. "It's the same thing, isn't it?"

"Well," said Hayden, "yes, essentially."

"I don't know why you're nervous. It's not your civil ceremony."

"Who said I was nervous?"

"No one. I can just tell."

"All right," said Hayden, "I am. He's my brother. If Oscar was marry- um, civilly partnering a man, and my dad was there seriously thinking about burning his eyes out just to avoid seeing it…" He paused for breath. "Wouldn't you worry?"

"No. I don't care what your dad thinks. If I did, I wouldn't have married you."

"But you care about how your brother feels, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

"Well, that's why I'm worried about Lars."

Jessica had no answer to that.

"Don't take this the wrong way," Hayden said slowly, evidently thinking about how to phrase his next point even as he spoke, "but I do wonder why he invited your parents."

"Well," said Jessica, "they were good to him after he came out."

"Yes, they were - they let him stay with them when he came over to see me, and all I had to offer him was a lumpy sofa."

"Mmm, and off-putting noises coming from the next room."

"Well," said Hayden, "I did ask you to control yourself - but look, we're coming off the point. The point is… What is the point? I've forgotten."

"The point is," said Jessica, "you think he's invited my mom and dad to make some kind of point about feeling loved and accepted, and you're worried that'll aggravate your dad."

"Am I?" said Hayden, sounding genuinely surprised.

"Well, that's what it sounds like to me."

"I suppose you're right, that is what's worrying me. Gosh, you are clever."

"They're really touched that he invited them, you know."

"Oh dear," said Hayden. "I hope I'm wrong about this."

.-.-.-.

Saturday, August 6th

They were staying at Hayden's parents' house, in his old bedroom, which had acquired a nice new double bed since he and Jessica got married the year before. She had insisted that Andre and Kate Wallance were as good as telling them to have sex, but Hayden could never bring himself to do anything remotely sexual so close to his parents.

On the morning of his brother's civil ceremony, Hayden found himself sweating over frying pans full of bacon, white bread, eggs and a couple of very big sausages - which would undoubtedly be the source of much amusement later on - while his parents wandered in and out of the bathroom above his head. Eventually Andre found his way down to the kitchen, already half-dressed as though for a wedding.

"What are you supposed to wear to one of these things, anyway?" he asked.

"Pink spandex," said Hayden.

"Please, Hayden, no jokes - it's too early in the morning."

"Oh, all right then. A smile."

"Hayden!"

"I'm not joking," Hayden said defensively.

"You're being flippant," his father said. "That counts."

He still had his American accent, even after so many years of living in London. Hayden was sure that he himself could have picked up a New York accent by now, after about two and a half years of living there, if he had let himself.

"Yes, well," said Hayden, "you're avoiding the issue."

"What issue?"

"You will at least pretend to be happy for him, won't you?"

"Hayden, your lack of faith astonishes me."

At that point Kate floated into the kitchen, looking immaculate, and said brightly, "Good morning, you two."

"Morning, Mum," said Hayden.

She went over to him, wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him noisily on the cheek. She had been making it very obvious how much she loved having him home.

"Ooh!" Kate said excitedly, as the doorbell sounded. "I'll get it."

"That'll be my in-laws, then," said Hayden. "Are you going to be nice to them, Dad?"

"I don't know why you think I'm not nice to people," said Andre.

Kate reappeared moments later with Jessica's parents, Peter and Dana Venkman. Dana looked almost as chirpy as Kate, but Peter would obviously rather still be in bed. Andre hugged and kissed Dana - they had an amicable relationship, decades after their divorce - and said something civil to Peter.

"Hello," Hayden said pleasantly, beginning to pile the contents of his frying pans onto a couple of dinner plates, and being noticeably more generous with one of them.

"Where's Jessica?" said Dana. "Isn't she up yet?"

"Not just at the moment, no," said Hayden. Then he went out of the room and over to the bottom of the stairs, where he said loudly, "But if she doesn't get up soon her breakfast will get cold!"

There were some scuffling sounds above their heads, and finally Jessica staggered down the stairs wearing an oversized t-shirt and tracksuit trousers.

"Mmm, that looks good," she said approvingly, sitting down at the table where Hayden had put her plate, hers being the one with the much bigger portions.

"That is good," he said.

"You should have made enough for yourself as well."

"Oh, come on - you can't want two big sausages."

They started to giggle childishly, and then Hayden said, "Honestly, Jessica, don't be vulgar - your parents are here."

"Oh." Jessica looked up, and noticed her mother and father for the first time. "Hello."

"Did you sleep okay?" Kate asked her.

"Yeah, great," said Jessica. "What would you do about it if I hadn't?"

"I'd try to make it better for tonight," said Kate.

"We'll all sleep tonight," said Jessica. "Weddings are exhausting, and I imagine civil ceremonies are much the same."

"Jessica," said Hayden. "You are going to behave yourself today, aren't you?"

She glared at him, and then garbled through a mouthful of bacon something that sounded like, "Mnotwelvennymoar."

"Right," said Hayden. "Er… good."

.-.-.-.

Half an hour later, Andre was wandering around the living room looking for something while Hayden and Jessica sat scrunched up together on the sofa, looking at a London A-Z. She was dressed now, Andre thought a little too casually, but he didn't dare say so.

"We could get on at Sloane Square," said Hayden, "or South Kensington - they're both walkable from here."

"Which is closer?" asked Jessica.

"Um… South Kensington, I should think."

"I think you're right," said Andre.

"All right, we'll start from there," said Jessica. "What are you looking for?"

"Nothing. A tie clip."

"A tie clip?" said Hayden. "Bit of a needle in a haystack, isn't it? Find it later - you must have another one for this afternoon."

"Of course I have. But I can keep looking for this one until it's time to go, can't I? You know, you two are more than welcome to share our taxi."

"I am not getting into a taxi," said Hayden. "As much as I love England, I've never forgotten that every taxi driver in this country is a dangerous lunatic."

"So after we've got on at South Kensington…?" said Jessica.

"We'll go along the District Line to St. James's Park, see" said Hayden, "and then we'll change onto the Victoria Line, and we'll go all the way up here to Highbury and Islington." He traced the route with his forefinger, and spoke as though to a child.

"That's miles."

"Not really."

"Isn't Angel closer to where we're going?" asked Andre.

"Angel's closer to Islington than Highbury and Islington?" said Jessica. "That's dumb."

"Dad, look at this map of the underground," said Hayden. He turned the book round, held it open in two hands and waved it at Andre. "When was the last time you tried to get from here to Angel by tube? It's impossible."

"Are you sure you lost your tie clip in here?" asked Jessica.

"No," said Andre. "It could be anywhere. Jessica, are you sure Oscar is going to be able to find his way to Islington Town Hall?"

Funnily enough, Oscar was Andre's son, and yet he hardly knew him at all. Hayden and Jessica shared a half-brother, but they had never really felt as though they did. Oscar was a full brother to Jessica, and something more like a long-distance uncle to Hayden.

"No," said Jessica, sounding surprised by the question. "I never said I was sure."

"Why can't he come here first and make his way there with us?"

"Because he's not even probably in the country yet."

"He doesn't mind cutting things fine, does he?" Andre said irritably.

"None of them would be in Italy if they could help it," said Jessica, beginning to sound irritable herself. Her brother's band Mood Slime was on a European tour, trying to persuade fans to stay interested in them after fifteen years, and to justify all the capital still being pumped into them. "You do know Tim's expecting twins next month?"

"It's a bit early to start panicking, Dad," Hayden added.

Andre didn't reply. He left the room to search for his tie clip elsewhere.

"Is it a very special tie clip?" asked Jessica.

"I suppose it must be," said Hayden. "Oh, hello," as Peter and Dana wandered in. "Do you want to come on the tube with us?"

.-.-.-.

Hayden, Jessica and Peter left a few minutes before Kate, Andre and Dana. Hayden led the way to South Kensington Station, and bought them each a one day travel card.

"I can remember when these things cost eleven pounds forty," he said, frowning at the price marked on his ticket. "Oh well, it's still cheaper than getting returns to Highbury and Islington."

"A ticket that'll take you anywhere is cheaper than getting a ticket from one London station to another?" said Peter.

"Yes, and they even take them on buses," said Hayden.

The trains were very frequent, and they had under a minute to wait. They made the change at St. James's Park without incident, and then once they were at Highbury and Islington Station, they were all glad to get out into the fresh air - or fresher than the air underground had been, anyway.

It was a short walk to Islington Town Hall, where Hayden spoke to a woman at reception and she directed them up to "the waiting area". They had to ascend a rather grand staircase with ornate banisters, and once at the top they found themselves in a red-carpeted area with a lot of green and red squashy chairs arranged against two walls.

"Hey," Jessica said in a stage whisper to Hayden. "This place is hideous."

"Well," said Hayden. "Yes."

Hayden's younger brother Lars was there, all on his own, looking like he was about to be shown to the gallows. He was sitting down, but he leapt to his feet when he saw that some guests had finally arrived. Hayden ventured forward and hugged him.

"Where are Mum and Dad?" said Lars. Then he spotted Peter. "And where's Dana?"

"They took a taxi," said Hayden. "They're on their way."

"Oh God, I bet they're stuck in traffic."

"Well that's all right, there's loads of time. Where's Nathan?"

"I don't know, he's gone off somewhere."

Hayden cocked an eyebrow. "Gone off somewhere?"

"Yes. I don't know where. You see I was here, and he was here, and neither of us was saying anything, and we weren't even looking at each other, and then he said he was going for a walk and I haven't seen him since. Do you think he's run off?"

"No I do not think he's run off," said Hayden.

"I think you're both a bit nervous, aren't you?" said Jessica.

"Oh," said Lars. "Hello," and he hugged her too. "Yes, I suppose so. Are you absolutely sure Mum and Dad are coming?"

"Don't be daft, of course Mum and Dad are coming," said Hayden.

Nathan's parents turned up next, and began making small talk with Peter, clearly trying to figure out who he was. Nathan and Lars were limited to fifteen guests each at the ceremony - although more were apparently coming to the reception - and Fred and Sandra Gilbert were probably wondering why they weren't talking to one of the fifteen people who were close enough to Lars to have met his future in-laws. Peter, meanwhile, was clearly enjoying himself, carefully building up to the moment when he would reveal that he was, in fact, Lars' brother's father-in-law and his half-brother's stepfather.

Hayden and Lars' little sister Emilia arrived next with her boyfriend, Michael Carrow. She and Hayden hugged, and after that it became less friendly and somewhat stilted.

"Michael."

"Hayden."

"Jessica."

"Emi."

"Well," said Lars, knowing perfectly well that Jessica and Emilia couldn't stand each other, and neither could Hayden and Michael. "This is nice, isn't it?"

Nathan's older sister arrived with her husband and toddler, and then Oscar showed up. Peter and Jessica both fell on him, as they hadn't seen him since he started touring. He hugged them both, and then said, "So where's Mom and Kate and Andre?"

Lars suddenly looked very pale, and wandered off.

"What did I say?" asked Oscar.

"He thinks they're not coming," said Hayden.

"Oh, that's ridiculous, of course they're coming," Emilia said curtly. "Hello, Oscar."

They hugged, and some more people arrived, and there was more hugging. Jessica was immediately pounced upon by Juliet, Kate's older sister, who tried to suffocate her in her breasts and then asked, "So… any sign of a little visitor yet?"

Jessica blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Not yet Aunt Jools oh look someone's coming out of the marriage room," Hayden blurted out. Then he grabbed Jessica by the elbow and dragged her towards the woman who had emerged from behind one of the nearby doors. "Excuse me. Could you tell us how much longer, please?"

"About twenty minutes," the woman said.

"Twenty minutes?" said Jessica. "What do you mean, twenty minutes? We arrived five minutes before you told us to and we've been standing out here half an hour already!"

"But that's good," Hayden said soothingly, "because Mum and Dad aren't here yet and Nathan and Lars have both wandered off."

"Oh dear," the woman said anxiously. "Is everything all right?"

"I'm sure it's fine," said Hayden. "This isn't Eastenders, is it?"

"What's Eastenders?" asked Jessica.

"It's this completely trashy soap set in the East End. Even if the characters actually manage to go through with a wedding, they run off at some point just before or during the ceremony - it was one of the things I really used to miss when I first moved away. Oh, thank God! Mum and Dad and Dana are here."

"Yeah," said Jessica, watching with a pained expression as Kate was almost crushed by her sister, "but Nathan and Lars aren't."

"Nathan is," said Hayden, as Nathan suddenly turned up, looking slightly green.

"Oh, he is as cute as I remember," said Jessica. "It's such a waste."

"Oh yes?" said Hayden. "What's it to you? Hi, Na- "

"Where's Lars?" Nathan asked anxiously.

"Um…"

"Oh my God, he's got cold feet and run off!"

"He was just saying the same thing about you," said Hayden. "Look, what is all this? Why are you both so jumpy?"

"This is horrible," said Nathan. "I knew he wasn't sure about us."

"What?"

"When we first got together, you lot didn't even know he was gay, did you? It took me days to persuade him to come out! And now he can't go through with it!"

"Nathan, calm down," said Hayden. "Look… I suppose you've tried calling his - "

"Yes!"

"Well then I'll go and find him, all right?"

"So you do think he's run off!" said Nathan.

"Do I?"

"Yes, because if you thought he was coming back you wouldn't go looking for him."

"For God's sake, Nathan," said Hayden. Then he went.

.-.-.-.

Hayden had watched plenty of television in his time, and he knew that people who were having cold feet about getting married - or doing something similar, like having a civil ceremony - always hid in the toilets. Islington Town Hall had a fair few of those, so Hayden started with the gents' lavatories nearest to the marriage room. He entered just in time to see Lars coming out of a cubicle, looking rather unwell.

"What are you doing?" said Hayden.

"Nothing," said Lars. He approached a basin, and looked in the mirror. "Oh God."

"Nathan thinks you've run off."

"You mean he's back? Thank God for that."

"You haven't run off, then?" said Hayden.

Lars scowled at him. "Of course I haven't run off."

"You look really awful."

"Thanks."

"I don't understand what all this fuss is about."

"Yes, well, you wouldn't, would you?"

Hayden and Lars hadn't really got on until Lars came out of the closet and started being himself, at which point the two had started to grow much closer and form a pretty good relationship. But they were still brothers, and they still bickered.

"What do you mean by that?" said Hayden.

"You haven't had to fight them, have you?" said Lars. "I know you're okay with it, but none of them really approve of me doing this. Not even Mum, deep down."

"So what? It doesn't matter what they think - it only matters what you think."

"That's easy for you to say."

"Er, excuse me. I married Jessica."

"So?"

"So it was bloody difficult getting there!"

"Oh don't be such a drama queen," said Lars. "That couldn't have been as hard as this."

"Tchuh," said Hayden. "I bet you wouldn't have had the guts to marry Jessica."

"I don't want to marry Jessica."

"That isn't the point."

"I bet you wouldn't have had the guts to marry a man!"

"Don't be ridiculous, of course I would have," said Hayden. "And I wouldn't have spent ten years in the closet either. You're in here now getting cold feet because you've never, ever been able to stick up for yourself. You're always so hung up on what other people think. If you could just get over that, you'd be much happier."

"They're my family!"

"That shouldn't make a difference if you love him!"

Lars opened his mouth, apparently ready to keep this up all afternoon, but then the door opened and Oscar walked in.

"Guys," he said. "Come on. We can hear you all the way from the marriage room."

"Lars is chickening out," said Hayden.

"I am not!" said Lars.

"Well then what are we still doing in here?"

"We're still here because you keep saying stupid things and arguing with me."

"Who keeps saying stupid things?"

"Hey!" said Oscar. "Lars, if you're not chickening out there's no problem, is there?"

"No," said Lars. "There's no problem," but still he didn't move.

"So let's go, then," Hayden said impatiently.

"Hayd," said Oscar. "I don't think you're helping. Why don't you give us a minute?"

Hayden looked at Lars, saw the look of anxiety on his face and started to feel bad. He wished he could have said the right thing, but he had failed miserably and now Oscar was going to step into the breach as older brother. And he would succeed. In the past, long before he'd married Jessica, Hayden had found Oscar's support and advice invaluable.

He let out a rueful sigh, and said, "Sorry, Lars. Can I tell Nathan you're on your way?"

"Of course you can."

"Right, I will."

"He finds it so easy," said Lars, once he and Oscar were alone. "I don't believe he would have done half the things he has over the years if he didn't know Dad wouldn't like them. I don't suppose that's why he married Jessica, but actually, I wouldn't put it past him. He's always got a point to prove."

"Yeah, well, maybe that's because he knows he can," said Oscar. "We've all defied Andre in some way, Lars - you, me and him." He jerked his head in the direction Hayden had just gone. "Y'know, some people tell their parents they're gay and then never hear from them again. But we're all here. Andre never turned his back on any of us - not even me, and I call somebody else Dad. He went to Hayden and Jess's wedding, and now he's come to yours. And so's Emi, and we all know how she feels about you and Nathan."

"She's going to say something before today's over," said Lars. "She makes it harder for me than Dad does."

"Lars," said Oscar. "Am I going to have to ask you the question?"

"What question?"

"The question you have to ask anyone who's hanging around in a public restroom on their wedding, um, civil ceremony day."

"You mean, do I love him," said Lars. "You know I do. Oh, come on - let's just go."

.-.-.-.

"Hide me."

"Er, why?" Peter asked, as Jessica emerged from the small crowd and ducked behind him.

"I don't want to talk to these people anymore. You would not believe what Hayden's aunt just asked me!"

"What did she ask you?"

Before Jessica could answer, Emilia suddenly came at her from the side and said, "Oh, there you are. You've really upset my Aunt Jools, you know."

"Good," said Jessica. "That'll teach her not to ask personal questions."

"Oh, don't be precious, it wasn't a 'personal question'. She's just interested. Everyone is. I mean, you've been married over a year now."

"So?"

"So what are you waiting for? Unless, of course, I was right all along and you don't really love him."

"Of course I fucking love him, you little - "

"Please don't start that," said Peter. "You'll upset Lars."

"I don't see why," said Jessica. "It upsets Hayden, I get that, but Lars doesn't care."

"Neither of them is here anyway," said Emilia. "Still, that might be a good thing. I hope Lars has decided not to go through with it."

"I don't!" Jessica said hotly. "Look at Nathan - he'd be devastated!"

"Yes," said Emilia, "but it would all be for the best in the end, wouldn't it?"

"I don't see how."

"Well, you know…"

"You're just a poisonous little homophobe, aren't you?"

"You're in no position to judge," said Emilia, "until you've had a brother who's… you know. You can approve of it in general - that's one thing - but I bet it would be a different story if it was Oscar who was marrying another man."

"Oh don't be a moron," said Jessica.

"And you." Emilia turned to Peter. "You wouldn't want a gay son, would you? I think it was pretty decent of my father just to turn up, and I daresay that would be the most you could do under the same circumstances."

"Hey," Peter said defensively, "what have I done?"

"Well," said Emilia, "not wishing to be rude, but I don't see why Lars would have invited you and Dana if not to make some sort of statement. You've been ever so understanding and supportive of him being one of them, haven't you? But if you're trying to make this another example of what a superior father you are, then I'm afraid it doesn't really hold water. It's all very well accepting somebody else's son."

"Hey," said Jessica, "you leave him alone! If we're getting into the old thing of accepting Andre's sons, then - "

"If you two want to go outside and mud wrestle," said Hayden, appearing suddenly, "then it's going to have to wait until after the ceremony. Lars is on his way."

"Oh well," said Emilia.

"Now I understand why you dragged me away from your aunt like that," said Jessica.

"Oh dear." Hayden adopted a pained expression. "Did she ask you again?"

"Yes she did, the nosy old - "

"Are you talking about Aunt Jools?" Emilia asked brightly. "Your wife was dreadfully rude to her, Hayden."

"What did you say?" Hayden asked Jessica.

"I said," Jessica replied coolly, " 'That's private'."

"And that's all?"

"Yes."

Hayden looked immensely relieved. Then he turned to his sister and said, "Well, it is private really, Em."

"Oh, there he is," said Peter.

Emilia and Jessica both looked, and Lars was arriving back among them with Oscar close behind. Nathan at once fell upon Lars with obvious relief.

"Eugh," said Emilia, wrinkling her nose as her brother and his lover hugged tightly.

Hayden gave her a withering look. "Emi, come on."

"Well, keeping it behind closed doors is one thing, but I wish they wouldn't do that sort of thing in public. I don't want to think about what they're going to do later."

"So don't think about it," said Hayden. "I'll never understand these people who say they're okay with homosexuality and yet think there should be some kind of ban on public displays of gay affection. Just imagine being told you couldn't kiss in public."

"Oh, shut up, it's different."

"I don't see how. Not that you've ever professed to be okay with homosexuality, of course - but anyway, Em, just remember he's our brother."

"Yes, I know," said Emilia, not sounding exactly proud or happy about that affiliation.

.-.-.-.

Jessica knew that if she was in any way intolerant of any minority, Hayden would not have fallen in love with her. She certainly wasn't homophobic - but still, there was something slightly bizarre about watching two men putting rings on each other's fingers and reciting marriage vows, and then kissing at the end. She actually timed the kiss at two seconds, and wondered briefly why it wasn't longer, but then she remembered that she and Hayden hadn't kissed for longer than that at their own simple marriage service.

After they'd kissed and everyone was clapping politely, Jessica couldn't help glancing at Andre, just to see what his body language was like. He actually looked okay. Then she looked at Emilia. She had her eyes shut and her forehead pressed into Michael's shoulder, and was muttering about something.

"For a moment there," Peter said quietly, just behind Jessica, as Lars and Nathan exited the room, "I didn't think it was going to happen."

"Yes, well done, Oscar," said Hayden, turning round in his seat. "You're good at this older brother lark. It was you who persuaded Emi to be civil to Jessica just before we got married, wasn't it? I don't suppose you can make her happy for Lars and Nathan?"

"I'm not a miracle worker," said Oscar. "So anyway, where now?"

"The Islington Hotel," said Hayden, getting to his feet.

Oscar smiled. "Silly question."

"Why not have the reception here?" asked Jessica. "Don't they have a function room?"

"Yes," said Hayden, "they do have a function room. But - listen, you'll like this - they're not licensed to hold wedding receptions in it."

Jessica blinked at him. "They're not licensed to hold wedding receptions in it?"

"That's correct, yes."

"So… what are they licensed to hold in it?"

"Oh, I don't know. Conferences and such."

"But," said Jessica, clearly too stunned to form coherent sentences without a great deal of thought beforehand. "They do weddings and civil ceremonies here."

"Gosh, you're right," said Hayden. "Look, does it really matter? The Islington Hotel is much nicer than this place. Actually it's our Hilton."

"Oh, great," said Jessica. "So every drink I put on the tab is going into the pocket of that stupid bitch. There will be a tab, won't there? Because I really hate it when people make you take a day out of your life, and you have to pay to travel, and then they don't even - "

"We all know how you feel about weddings, Jess," said Oscar. "Come on, let's go - everyone else has left."

.-.-.-.

Lars and Nathan were both teachers working at state secondary schools, which was why they had to have their civil ceremony in August - that was when teachers got married. They both earned a good living, but it wasn't a fortune. Jessica assumed that Andre was paying for this time - and perhaps even one night in the honeymoon suite - at London's Hilton, but she didn't like to ask anyone, not even Hayden.

They had a first-floor (or, to some of them, second-floor) function room that led out onto a large terrace with an impressive view of the London skyline (though it was nowhere near as impressive as the view from the London Eye). The weather was lovely - much better than it had been in the last two weeks of July, just gone by - and most people took their food outside. Jessica was grateful that it was a buffet rather than a long sit-down meal, and there were to be no speeches. It might even be bearable after all.

"Frankie's here," she said to Hayden, when she spotted Oscar talking to his cousin Francesca Wallance, the younger daughter of Andre's brother William. Jessica was surprised to see Frankie, because everyone knew William was boycotting the whole event, but when she thought about it she realised that she needn't have been surprised at all. Francesca was very human; she and Hayden were fond of each other, and even Jessica had found her tolerable on occasions when she was in New York to see Oscar.

"Good-o," said Hayden. "I'm going to talk to her. Do you want to come?"

"Sure, why not?"

Somewhere Frankie had a husband and three young children, but she didn't seem to have brought them with her. It had to be assumed they were at home in San Francisco - a very long way from London. Jessica was impressed that she'd made the effort.

"Hey, you guys," said Frankie, smiling when she saw them and hugging them both, while Oscar sloped off. "So how about you two, huh? I wanted to see you after I heard you were together, but - y'know - I'd just had Nicola. Why haven't you been to see us yet?"

"We haven't been invited," said Hayden.

"Oh, don't worry about that - just show up any time. Nathan's cute, isn't he?" She was looking at Jessica now.

"Hell yeah," said Jessica.

Frankie talked a lot, and asked them some questions, and Jessica dreaded the moment when she would be asked once again how soon she was planning on using her uterus. But then Lars came and joined in, and Frankie was more interested in him.

"I'm so sorry Mom and Dad and Annie didn't come," she said.

"It's okay," said Lars.

"I tried to make them, but they never listen to me."

"It's really okay, Frankie."

The conversation became rapidly less and less interesting, and then suddenly Jessica was whisked out of the group by a middle-aged woman she had never seen before in her life. This turned out to be Kate's sister-in-law - the wife of the younger of two brothers (it always puzzled Jessica that their mother, who had produced four children, was reported to have hated sex) - and they ended up having a very long conversation indeed.

.-.-.-.

Oscar, meanwhile, had been picked up by Andre.

"You were talking to Francesca," Andre said.

"Yeah," said Oscar, wondering why Andre felt the need to sound confrontational about it.

"You get on with her, don't you?"

"Yeah, we get on okay."

"I don't really know her that well. I'd already moved away by the time she was born."

"Why don't you go talk to her?" said Oscar. "She's really nice, you know."

"Is she?" said Andre. "She's here because she wants to be?"

"Er, yeah."

"I wondered. I guess just because she's William's daughter doesn't mean she's here on his behalf, or even that she's anything like him. I mean, look at me and Hayden."

Oscar quite literally looked at Andre, and then at Hayden. The father was leaning against the back of a chair looking sombre, while the son had moved nearer to the building with Frankie and they were doing an unskilled yet amusing dance to the music playing inside.

"Oh, look at her - she's not here to gloat," said Andre, seeming to relax.

Oscar raised his eyebrows. "Gloat?"

"Criticise, cause a scene - whatever. I was worried about William."

"Why?"

"Well," said Andre, sounding oddly casual, "he called me a couple of times, and he even sent some letters and… they weren't very nice. It's been happening ever since Lars came out. When William first heard, he said I should send him someplace to get him cured."

"Can you still do that?" asked Oscar, faintly horrified by this notion.

"I don't know, probably. You know what some people are like. I mean, I don't really like it, but… I never thought about trying to stop him."

"What did you say to William?" asked Oscar, bursting with curiosity about these letters and phone calls.

"Well," said Andre, "I didn't say what I probably should have - that I didn't want him cured, that kind of thing. I said he'd been gay since he was fifteen so it was too late."

"But William wouldn't leave it at that?"

"No. In the end, it essentially came down to a choice between him and Lars." Andre took a deep breath, and then concluded, "He and I never really got on anyway."

There was a long pause.

"I'm glad Francesca's here," said Andre.

"You should definitely talk to her," said Oscar.

"Yes, I will. When she's not with Hayden. You know what he's like at parties."

.-.-.-.

When Jessica was finally able to get away from her overly curious in-laws, she went looking for her father and found him talking to Kate. This was no surprise. Whenever those two attended the same party, they always got slowly drunk together and had the exact same conversation every time.

"They're both much happier now," Kate was saying emphatically. "We made them happy! They should be bloody grateful to us!"

"I know," said Peter, nodding sympathetically.

"All right, so we're not in an orchestra. What's so bloody brilliant about being in an orchestra anyway? I've never played an instrument in my life, but does that make me a bad person? I don't think so!"

"You gave him three kids," said Peter. "That's two more than Dana gave him."

"That's right!" Kate said loudly. She was already a little bit drunk, it seemed. "And you had Jessica. Everyone wants a pigeon pair, don't they?"

"A what?"

"A boy and a girl."

"Oh."

"I think Jessica's absolutely lovely."

"So do I," said Peter. "And I like yours. Most of them. I really like Hayden - I'm glad he and Jess got married."

Kate's whole face lit up. "Are you?"

"Yes I am! Screw what everybody else thinks."

"Down with older generation Wallances!"

"And older generation Barretts!"

"Hear, hear!"

"Oh my God, you're completely pissed," said Jessica.

"Oh, hello, love," said Kate. "No we're not. Would you like some champagne? There's loads here."

"I was just talking to your brother and his wife," said Jessica.

"Which one? Oh God, was it Carol? Don't take any notice of her, darling - she's batty."

"Oh, that's all right then," Jessica said bitterly.

"Oh dear. What did she say?"

"Oh… nothing I haven't been hearing from everybody all day."

"Jessica, darling," said Kate. "There's something I want to say to you."

"Be careful," said Peter. "You are a little bit drunk, Kate."

"Oh, don't be silly," said Kate, tittering and elbowing him in the ribs. "I'm not going to say anything I'll regret tomorrow, I promise. Jessica, I love you."

Peter and Jessica exchanged a comic look.

"You might regret that tomorrow, Kate," said Jessica.

"No I won't!" Kate said earnestly, her big blue eyes widening. It struck Jessica that Kate was still very beautiful, and hadn't changed at all in the twenty-odd years that they'd known each other. "I love you because my son loves you very, very much. You make him happy, and that's all I ask. I love you for that."

"Well," said Jessica, "that's very sweet of you to say."

"I think every mother-in-law should say it. Peter, go and tell Hayden you love him."

"Do I have to?" said Peter.

"Maybe you should go and tell Nathan you love him, Kate," said Jessica.

At once Kate's face lit up again, and she said, "Oh, what a good idea! I know they're gay and all that, but as long as my baby's happy I suppose it doesn't matter really," and with that she wandered off into the crowd of people.

"She really is from Andre's kind of background, isn't she?" said Jessica.

"Of course she is," said Peter. "He only marries people from his kind of background."

"Like Mom, you mean. Was she raised to be homophobic too? Knowing what Grandma was like, it actually wouldn't surprise me."

"Well, I actually think your mom might had have an issue with it if you or Oscar had turned out to be gay. I don't like Emilia any more than you do - or not much more, anyway - but I kind of think she might have a point. There are people who wouldn't have a problem with their kids being gay, but there are also people who accept homosexuality generally but would have a nasty shock if it was one of theirs."

To this, Jessica responded, "Emilia's a bitch."

.-.-.-.

It so happened that at that moment, Emilia was with all of her brothers, including Oscar. Nathan was being told by Kate that she loved him, Jessica was of course with Peter and Michael was being drooled over by their Aunt Jools.

"Why don't you get married, Oscar?" Emilia asked suddenly, already a little drunk.

"What?" said Oscar.

"Because he hasn't met the right person," said Lars.

"Oh." Emilia gave him a cross-eyed look. "And you have, have you?"

"Yes."

She started sniggering then, and said, "He's a man."

"Yes, I'd noticed."

She topped sniggering. "Oh, that's disgusting."

"Emi, you're awful," Hayden said reproachfully.

"No I'm not," said Emilia. "You married Jessica."

"Gosh, did I really?" said Hayden. "I thought she looked familiar."

"Do you three have to keep squabbling?" Oscar said wearily.

"We never squabbled before Lars decided to be gay," said Emilia.

"I didn't decide to be gay," said Lars.

"You and I used to squabble more before you did that, Lars," said Hayden.

"Oh look, Hayden," said Emilia. "Uncle James is trying to grope your wife."

"Well," said Hayden, "if he succeeds she'll soon see him off."

"She's awfully violent, isn't she?" said Emilia. "I worry about you, you know."

"She'd never hurt me."

"Oh bless you, Hayden, you sound like a pathetic little battered wife!"

"Well, you know what?" said Oscar. "I'm happy for all of you guys - I think it's fantastic that all three of you have found true love."

"Em hasn't found true love," said Hayden.

"Yes I have!" Emilia said petulantly.

"Oh, but you can't love Michael. There's nothing there to love - he's so boring!"

"Dad thinks Michael's brilliant," Lars said morosely.

"Nathan's miles better than Michael, Lars," said Hayden.

"Are you sure you don't want to go and rescue your wife from James?" asked Emilia.

"I'd say it'd be the other way around," said Oscar, his brow furrowing with concern. "She looks like she might be about to lose it."

"Oh God," said Hayden, and he made a beeline for them.

As it turned out, Jessica wasn't quite right ready to turn violent just yet. When Hayden arrived, she was talking to James in a tone of voice that sounded almost amiable. On closer listening, though, it was clear she was putting it on.

"Oh, wait - you mean when is Hayden going to have unprotected sex with me at a time when I happen to be ovulating, and one of his sperm connect with my egg, resulting in me getting pregnant!" she said loudly. "Why didn't you just say that?"

"Um… darling?" Hayden said cautiously, wondering even as he spoke why he had addressed her as such. He and Jessica never called each other "darling".

She swivelled round to look at him, and then put on a false smile. "There you are, honey-buns. Shall we try and make a baby right now? Your Uncle James can watch and make sure we're doing it right."

"Could I just have a word with you over here?" said Hayden, pulling her gently away and leaving Uncle James looking extremely shocked. Then he said quietly, "You said you were going to behave yourself."

"Oh," said Jessica, pulling her arm away, "I said that, did I?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry. What I meant to say was, I will if they will!"

"Look, I'm sorry," said Hayden. "I really am. But it's what relatives do. Can't you just put up with it?"

"Put up with it? Are you crazy? Why the fuck should I? I am not going to talk about that with these people! How is it any of their goddamn business?"

"It isn't. But this happens to everyone who gets married. Most people - "

"Most people? What do you mean, 'most people'? You didn't marry 'most people', Hayden - you married me!"

"Calm down."

"No!"

"Then at least stop yelling at me," said Hayden, managing to stay calm, thereby only infuriating Jessica further. "I'm not responsible for them."

"Yeah, well, you're not responsible for me either. Why are you telling me to behave myself and letting them get away with it?"

"I've told you. It's what people do. They think they're being nice."

Jessica scowled at him. "You're a dick." Then she stormed off into the crowd.

"Of course," said a voice at Hayden's shoulder, and he turned round to see Emilia wearing a thinly disguised look of smugness, "you're always welcome to stay with us."

Hayden gave her a greasy look, and said, "Emi. Fuck off."

.-.-.-.

The afternoon wore on, and Oscar - having been short-sighted enough not even to have brought a decoy date - was propositioned by a great many women, some of them a lot older than he was and some a lot younger. He nearly always let such women flirt with him, because he knew it made their day, but by five o'clock he seemed to have decided to stick with a very pretty dark-haired young woman.

"Hey." Peter grabbed Andre as he happened to walk past, and nodded towards Oscar and his new friend. "They're not related, are they?"

"I doubt it," said Andre. "She's a friend of Nathan's."

"Ah." Peter nodded. "I never know at these things with your family."

"Oscar knows who he's related to."

"Does he?"

"Yes," Andre said impatiently, "he does."

There was a long, awkward pause. Then Peter said, "Dana and I were really touched when Lars invited us."

"Well," said Andre, "perhaps he felt he couldn't invite Oscar and Jessica without inviting the two of you."

"I doubt it. He's related to both of them - he's not related to us."

"He must just like you, then."

"Yeah," said Peter. "Weird, huh?"

"Look," said Andre, "do you have some kind of point to make?"

"No." Another pause. "Andre, do you think maybe you and I should start being a bit more civil to each other? I mean, your son and my daughter have been married for more than a year, and we've always had Oscar in common…"

"I know. One day soon we might even share some grandchildren."

"Don't start that."

"What? Why?"

"Just don't mention grandchildren in front of Jess - she's touchy about it."

"Don't worry, I won't," said Andre. "People did it to me too, both times I was married. When I married Kate my mother already had three grandchildren, but every time she saw us she kept asking us when we were going to give her more - it drove Kate absolutely insane. She really hated my mother," he added morosely.

"I hated my mother-in-law," said Peter.

"You hated Val? Shut up, she was great."

"Yes, well… it did take a certain sort of person to get on with her."

"She did have a lot to do with Dana and me getting married, of course, which turned out not to be the best idea. Not that I regret having Oscar, of course…"

"Don't you?"

"Of course I don't!"

"All right, don't get mad," said Peter. "It's just… well, you don't really need him to complete your life, do you?"

Andre raised his eyebrows. "Well… I think I can see what you mean. We all know why Oscar and I never had a good relationship - we don't need to go through all that again. But you picked up my slack, didn't you?"

"Well… I guess you could put it like that."

"And I did better with my other kids. All right, so Emi's not always the most tolerant person in the world - which I know says a lot, coming from me - and Lars is gay, and Hayden's… Hayden. But they're happy. And they love me. If Hayden and Jessica do have kids, it doesn't need to be Oscar all over again."

"What do you mean, Oscar all over again?"

"Well, you live nearby, don't you? And I live in another country. You'll see a lot more of them than I will, but that doesn't mean I have to lose out when I am there."

"I think you really regret not being a real dad to Oscar, don't you?" said Peter.

"I don't regret splitting up with Dana - that was definitely for the best," said Andre. "And moving here seemed the best thing to do at the time - we've been through that before - but I could have been a much more real dad than I was, and yes, I do regret that. You always thought I was a heartless jerk, didn't you?"

"No," said Peter. "Not totally. Only where Oscar was concerned."

"My boy and your girl would make… interesting parents, don't you think?"

"Well, personally, I can't wait to find out. But we have to shut up about it now - Jessica's coming over. Hi, honey," as his daughter approached. "Ooh, are you okay?"

"I'm not having a very good time," said Jessica.

"Oh," said Andre, "I'm sorry."

Jessica looked at him. "It's not your fault, Andre. Oh, I forgot to ask - did you find your tie clip in the end?"

"Oh." His face fell. "No."

"Was it really so important you wore it today?"

"It wasn't so important I wore it today, no," said Andre. "I just had this idea that I would, and I knew where it was, so I didn't bother looking there until this morning, and even though I knew exactly where it was it wasn't there, and then I felt guilty and I just had to find it. Only… well, I didn't."

"I guess Lars gave it to you, then," said Jessica.

"That's right, he did," said Andre. "It was with all this other stuff the kids have given me over the years, or it was supposed to be, and everything else was still there except for this one little tie clip - it's maddening."

"I bet when you get back you'll find it was there all along," Jessica said brightly.

"Maybe I will. I hope so. I wouldn't want Lars to find out the only one of those things that was missing was from him. I think he sometimes feels like he's not special - Kate says he has Middle Child Syndrome."

"I expect you wanted him to be a girl," Peter said sagely.

Andre looked at him. "No, not especially. Oh - hi, Hayden."

"Hey, babe," said Jessica, taking both of Hayden's hands in hers. "Look, I'm sorry about before - I don't really think you're a dick."

"I'm very glad to hear it," said Hayden. "Sweetheart, why is there a rumour going around that I'm infertile?"

Peter snorted with laughter.

"Why do you think?" said Jessica.

"Right, yes, silly question," said Hayden. "But why do I have to be the infertile one?"

"Because they're your family - it can't be my fault."

"I'm really sorry about them, Jessica," said Andre.

"They aren't even really anything to do with you, though, are they?" said Jessica, twisting her neck to look at him whilst keeping hold of Hayden's hands. "The only one of yours here is Frankie, and she's been great - it's all Kate's relatives who don't even know me."

"Emi mentioned it a few times," said Peter.

"Did she?" said Andre. "I'm sorry, I did ask her not to."

Jessica raised her eyebrows. "You've talked about it, then?"

"Only behind your back," Andre assured her. "You could always ask her when she and Michael are going to get married - I gather that's a touchy subject."

"Why? Might they break up?" Hayden asked eagerly.

"It's such a shame you don't like him, Hayden," said Andre.

"Me and Lars have both done way better than Em has," said Hayden, giving Jessica's hands a surreptitious squeeze as he spoke. "Speaking of which, Lars wants a word."

"What, with me?"

"Ooh, I wish I could think of a clever answer."

"You, my boy, are too clever by half," said Andre, smiling indulgently at him. "I'll see you later."

.-.-.-.

When approached by his father, the first thing Lars said was, "We're leaving soon."

Andre nodded. "Right, well… have a good time."

Have a good time. It wasn't much. Actually, Lars decided, it wasn't enough.

"Will you say something to Nathan?" he asked.

"I guess so. Like what?"

"I don't know." Lars shrugged. "Congratulations. Welcome to the family."

"I am glad that you're happy, you know," said Andre.

Lars forced a smile, but actually he didn't like that sentence much. It was so carefully put, when there were other things that could have been said, and probably would have been said under different circumstances. Andre had not said that he was happy for him, nor that he was glad Nathan made him happy, nor even that he had found someone who made him happy. All in all, Andre being glad that his third son wasn't miserable didn't seem to say a great deal… but at least he was there, and he seemed to care. Considering some of what Oscar had said in the toilets at Islington Town Hall, Andre's mere presence certainly said something for his relationship with his son.

"I am happy," said Lars.

"Good." There was an awkward pause. "Lars, why did you invite the Venkmans?"

"I like them."

"Right." Another pause. "It was good of them to come all this way."

"Well, they're sort of like family now, aren't they? I suppose they were sort of like family before, but… well, we're all getting along now. Aren't we?"

"Emi and Jessica aren't getting along," said Andre.

"Well, yes, there is that," said Lars. "But I get on with all of them now, and Hayden gets on with them, and Emi gets on with Dana and Oscar, anyway, and I don't think she hates Peter, and you're all right with them, really. I just thought it would be nice to have some people here who were genuinely happy for me. Not that I don't think you are," he added hastily. "I mean the ones who didn't turn up, like William. I was sorry at first, but then I thought about how you and he always bicker at these things, and Mum bickers with them, and Hayden bickers with them, and Emi bickers with them… you all bicker with them."

"So basically," said Andre, "you didn't want there to be bickering."

"Well, there was some anyway," said Lars. "Poor Jess. I actually thought Hayden was infertile for a few minutes, but then she came and told me it was just to shut people up. I suppose I can see why being married to her might be… interesting."

"Well, Hayden seems to like it."

"Yeah."

There was another pause, a little less awkward this time, and then Andre said, "Shall we go find Nathan, then?"

Lars thought that was probably the best he was going to get, in which case it would just have to do.

.-.-.-.

The night was setting in and Hayden, having lost Jessica again, decided it was time he went to look for her. First he found his sister, sitting on her own and knocking back glasses of flat champagne. It was hard to tell how drunk she was, as Emilia had inherited her mother's ability to look pressed and ironed no matter what the circumstances.

"Hello," said Hayden, sitting down next to her and helping himself to some Mini Cheddars. "Are you okay?"

"Shouldn't I be?" Emilia said childishly.

"You should be, yes."

"Oh, don't start that."

Hayden looked at her, holding a square Mini Cheddar between his front teeth. Then he broke it in two, and said, "What?"

"All that acting like you're better than me because you've lived in Brighton and Hackney and you like transvestites and poor people."

"Oh." He finished chewing, and then swallowed. "Sorry."

"I don't know how you can eat those things."

"They're all right if you're hungry - and anyway, the Monster Much have all gone. A bit like Michael, really - where is he?"

"When I asked your wife where you were a while ago," said Emilia, "she said, 'We're not joined at the hip, you know!'"

"Sorry," said Hayden. "But you should know better, Em."

"Doesn't it bother you?" said Emilia. "That you're married, but she doesn't want to hang out with you?"

"She does want to hang out with me. She just doesn't want to be seen as extension of me - she wants to be her own person. I think that's reasonable."

"You think everything she says and does is brilliant."

"That's because I love her."

"Yes," Emilia said, somewhat wistfully.

"So come on then," said Hayden. "Where is he?"

"Who, Michael? Well… do you remember High Society?"

"What, that stupid film Mum made us watch because it was so 'lovely'? Not much."

"Well, you remember Grace Kelly's going to marry this man she doesn't love? And they have a party on the night before their wedding, and she gets completely hammered and this guy's all embarrassed of her and he makes her go and lie down and she ends up going off somewhere with Frank Sinatra. Well… it was sort of like that."

"Em, Frank Sinatra's dead."

Emilia glared at him.

"Sorry. You mean Michael told you off for being drunk and then abandoned you?"

She nodded miserably.

"Well that's ridiculous. Everybody's drunk."

"You're not."

"Well I am a bit. Actually Mini Cheddars are quite good for mopping it up - are you sure you don't want any?"

"Oh, get them away from me, they're vile," said Emilia, waving off his offering of the Mini Cheddar bowl. "I was going to say I won't have Mini Cheddars at my wedding, but I shall probably never have one so there's no point in talking about it."

"Oh don't be silly," said Hayden. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, Michael obviously doesn't want to marry me."

"Emi, you're only twenty-four. When I was twenty-four I was going out with Yvonne - do you remember? And she ended up running off with that person who did falconry at Hampton Court Palace."

"I remember," said Emilia. "You didn't seem that bothered about it."

"Well, no. It was when I was thinking about leaving the country, and I wasn't that keen on her anyway. I was in love with Jessica."

"When weren't you in love with Jessica?"

"Before I met her, I suppose," said Hayden. "But the point is… um…"

"The point is," said Emilia, "you think Michael's going to run off with somebody and I'll end up marrying somebody else."

"No," said Hayden, "that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying there's no point in worrying about it now. You're still young - there's loads of time. And anyway, if you did end up not marrying, would that be the end of the world?"

"Yes!" said Emilia. "I want to marry Michael!"

Hayden just looked at her. He would never understand it, but for whatever crazy reason, his sister obviously did love Michael. She sat silent for a moment, then for some reason she picked up a Mini Cheddar, choked it down and took another swig of champagne.

"I was right, they're revolting," she said. "Oh look, there's Jessica."

"Where?" Hayden followed her gaze, and saw Jessica's back view as she leant against the balcony rail and stared into space. "Oh yes. She's admiring the stunning views of the London skyline - the website was right."

"I think she's wishing she hadn't come," said Emilia.

"Well, they have been giving her a pretty rotten time."

"Look, don't mind my saying, but she doesn't exactly fit in with us, does she?"

"Well," said Hayden, getting to his feet, "neither do I. Oh, did you say goodbye to Lars?"

"Of course I did."

"Did you congratulate him and hug Nathan?"

"I congratulated them both, actually."

"Good."

"I didn't hug Nathan."

Hayden grinned at her. "I did." Then he made his way over to Jessica.

"Hello," he said, taking her hand and shaking it limply. "I'm Hayden. By any chance, are you ovulating just at the moment?"

"Shut up," said Jessica, but she laughed. "Work it out - you're sleeping with me."

Hayden let go of her hand, leant forward on the balcony rail and looked at the stunning view of the London skyline. "Why is it such a touchy subject?"

"It's not touchy, it's private," said Jessica. "It's my uterus, and it's your sperm, and it's our sex life - I'm not prepared to discuss it with people."

"Well, I'm not sure I like them all thinking I'm infertile."

"Oh, don't worry, I told your mom I was lying - she'll set them all straight. Actually she seemed very relieved - she obviously wants me to have a baby too."

"Well, she's been looking forward to grandchildren ever since Em started school."

There was a pause. Then Jessica said, "Do you want me to have a baby?"

"Only if you want to," said Hayden.

"And if I did want to…?"

"Well… yes."

"Oh God."

"We don't have to talk about it now."

"We have to talk about it sometime."

"Not if you don't feel ready."

"Well," said Jessica, "what if I never feel ready?"

"Oh," said Hayden, "look, why worry about that? You love children."

"Yeah, well, I love Ben and Jerry's but that doesn't mean I want to start up my own ice cream factory."

"Right, well… are you saying you never ever want to have any children?"

"No," said Jessica. "I don't know. I just… it scares me."

"It scares everyone."

"Well you're obviously ready."

"So what? It's all very well me being ready - I'm not the one who has to be pregnant and give birth. Look, just don't worry about it, okay?"

"I don't want a girl."

Hayden stared at her. He hadn't been expecting that. "Why on earth not?"

"Girls in my family don't get on with their mothers."

"But you get on all right with Dana, don't you?"

"I do now. Most of the time. But do you remember how she and I used to clash sometimes when I was a kid? After the last time you all came to see us at the end of 'oh-six, our whole relationship just blew up. And you just missed it."

"You seemed all right when I came over for that year to study and have that illicit affair with you," said Hayden.

"Yeah, we were okay by then. It was exactly when you weren't there, and it was nuts. I was horrible, and she was pretty horrible too, and it was exactly like the relationship she had with my grandmother - it was scary. So I think the curse should end with me. But I could handle boys," she added. "Barrett women love their sons."

"They love their daughters too."

"Yes, but I told you about that."

"Well," said Hayden, "that's no good, because we don't get on with our fathers."

Jessica started to laugh, and dropped her head into her arms. "Oh God. Didn't Andre get on with his dad? Did I ever even hear anything about Andre's dad? I can't remember."

"He died the Christmas when Mum was pregnant with Em. I remember now - she was nearly ready to have her, and Dad refused to go to New York because Mum might have given birth at any minute, and… then he died. I don't ever remember meeting him."

"That doesn't say much for Andre's relationship with him, does it? I'll ask Oscar about him later - I don't believe they ever met. What about your uncle?"

"I have no idea how he got on with my grandfather - he and Dad never talk about him. We don't get on with our brothers either, of course - not unless one of us suddenly comes out of the closet after years and years."

"We get on with our brothers," said Jessica. "And our dads. We adore our dads."

"Well that's it, then - I want a girl."

"Y'know, I can't ever see you alienating your son."

"Well, my dad didn't alienate me. He didn't alienate Lars either. He just sort of… was a bit funny with us. Of course, I'd try not to be funny with mine. Ours, I mean."

"He likes Emi, though. You get on with your daughters in this family, don't you? I guess we can't have a kid without it having a totally messed up relationship with one of us."

"Jessica," said Hayden, "I don't believe anything could happen that would make either of us anything like our parents. Believe me, you will never turn into your mother."

"Well, you say that…"

"Stop. Look, let's not plan how we're going to ruin all our relationships. Right now, at this moment, I really like things the way they are."

At that, Jessica smiled and said, "Me too."

"So, probing questions about your reproductive system aside… how did you like your first civil ceremony?"

"Well, it was a lot like a wedding."

"Yes, I suppose it was. I'm glad Lars has done it, though. He's never been happier than when he was, um…"

"Not hiding who he really was?"

"Exactly, yes. It would be good if Em was happy too, wouldn't it?"

"Isn't she?" asked Jessica.

"Well," said Hayden, "I'm not sure."

"Do you think she drinks too much?"

"Oh, well." He was a little taken aback. "I hadn't really thought about it."

"I guess I only ever really see her at things where there's wine. Will she get married?"

"No idea."

"Because if she does, we can have a baby."

Hayden blinked in surprise. "Can we?"

"Yes, if we can time it so I'm too pregnant to fly to the wedding."

He laughed. "Oh."

"It feels very empty all of a sudden, doesn't it?" said Jessica. "Has everyone gone?"

"Um." Hayden turned his head, and then turned it back again quickly. "Everyone except our parents. I think they're waiting for us."

"Oh. Damn. I was gonna suggest we get a room here for the night, but it would be a bit obvious now, wouldn't it? I mean, we'd have to tell them."

"Yes, I see what you mean. How very unfair - and Oscar must have sneaked off with that pretty art teacher without anyone even noticing."

"Oh, is that who she was?"

"Yeah," said Hayden, "she works with Nathan. They love us, you know," he suddenly changed the subject, turning to look at where their parents stood waiting for them. "I mean, you come to these things, and you bicker with practically everyone in your whole family, but we all love each other really."

"Yeah," said Jessica. She turned round as well. "It's nuts, isn't it? We should just all, like, be nice to each other."

"Can I have that in writing?"

He put his arm around her, and they started making their way towards the parents.

"Y'know," said Jessica, "it sort of seems like bad manners not to take advantage of that double bed they've given us."

"No, really," said Hayden, "I can't."

"God, you're pathetic. I could do it with my parents in the house."

"Well, I think that double bed is Mum's way of hinting that she wants grandchildren."

Jessica snorted with laughter just as they reached the waiting Andre, Kate, Peter and Dana. Kate still looked as fresh as a daisy, but the other three all looked tired.

"What's so funny?" asked Peter.

"Oh, nothing - she's just drunk," said Hayden, causing Jessica to start giggling uncontrollably. "We'd better get her home before she's sick on me. So, has everyone had a good time?"

"Well," said Dana, "it was interesting. Your family are all very - "

"Horrible to each other?" Hayden said brightly.

"I was going to say 'nice'."

"Oh, Dana, be original."

Some minutes later, Hayden was reminded of exactly why he didn't like taking taxis as the champagne and Mini Cheddars in his stomach threatened to come straight back up again. Then, suddenly, he found that he was reminded of his sister. He assumed that she had found Michael and they had gone home together. It then occurred to him that it would be hugely ironic if he and Lars both lived happily ever after with another man and a woman who was no lady, never mind Andre's ex-wife's daughter, while Emilia ended up unhappily married to the man of her father's dreams - maybe with a drinking problem.

It wouldn't have occurred to him if Jessica hadn't mentioned it, but Hayden did wonder if perhaps his sister drank a little too much. Sometimes he wished he could keep a closer on her, and on Lars. Living in another country… well, perhaps Emilia and Michael were just having a bad night, and he'd got it all wrong. It was just impossible to tell.

But all of that - whatever came of it - was way in the future. Further in the future even than Jessica having some babies, hopefully, though that didn't seem likely at the moment. Still, the most immediate problem was the taxi ride home. If the lunatic behind the wheel ended up killing them all, everything else would be academic.

THE END