Chapter 1
Exile
"You fucking son of a bitch. I saw what you wrote. We're not going to forget this."
~ George W. Bush
The Big Friendly Walrus sat in the psychiatrist's couch.
"Ah," Said the psychiatrist, a blue-furred beast with glaring yellow eyes, "Ze problem ez zat you are a zick twizted individual. But, but I notized that your reviewz are brutally honezt. Too brutal, you being ze zick homizidal pyromaniac that you are."
"Umm..." Said the Big Friendly Walrus, gingerly stroking his tusks. "I haven't killed anyone, nor have I set anyone on fire."
"Zat is bezides thee point." Said the psychiatrist. "Ze must learn on how to rezpect one another. Why do you pozt such thingz?"
"My mother..." Said the walrus. "She..."
"Yez?" Said the doctor. It was on the verge of a breakthrough. It knew it.
"...she makes me go to these would-be doctors, wasting my time."
The creature sighed. "Very well. Ze must get--"
"Excuse me, sir. But I need to go now."
"Ze have not finished ze zession!"
Two men wearing worn-out Arctic parkas burst in holding tranquilizer guns.
"My God!" Gasped the first one. "The Blue Yeti! IT EXISTS!"
The second raised his fist. "Do you hear me, Science Institute? I am not crazy! Do you hear me?! All these years of exploration were not useless! I shall be famous! I discovered a breakth-- YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
The Blue Yeti wrenched the gun from his hand, pulling off his hand with it. A bright burst of blood sprayed out, coating the blue fur.
The second man aimed his gun. The next second his entrails were covering his hands.
The Blue Yeti took out a comb and carefully combed its fur.
"Ah, yez. Now, where were we?" But the Big Friendly Walrus was nowhere to be seen.
Outside, the Big Friendly Walrus flopped out. "Hello. It is good to see you after so after so long."
His butler, the Little Mean Walnut nodded his head. "How was your session?"
"I am afraid it is nothing but a misguided do-gooder."
"I see. Shall I take care of it?"
The Walrus held up a flipper. "Do not let it trouble you. I have not seen home in a while. Let us go."
Ah. FanFiction.net. Home.
The Walrus got inside the car and the Walnut drove. After a while, Little Mean Walnut noticed something. "Sir, something's going on out there." Indeed it was. His mansion was in flames.
"NO!" Cried BFW. "All my hard work destroyed! The one about Artemis raping Holly! The one about Artemis and Butler resorting to cannibalism! ALL DESTROYED!"
"Who could do such a thing?" Gasped LMW.
"I did." Shouted a voice. Walrus noticed it at once. Princess Karita, the 12 year old tyrant. "You plagiarized my story and for that you shall pay."
"It was just a light-hearted parody!"
"SILENCE!" She snarled. "I hereby command you banished from this realm!"
"No, wait!" Cried the Walrus. "Please, have mercy!"
Several Bots grabbed the Walrus and Butler. "You have failed to follow the FanFiction guidelines. Destruction is imminent."
A vortex opened up in thin air. "You are banished." Said the bots. They grabbed the Walrus and his loyal butler, throwing him into the vortex. As soon as they were sucked up, it disappeared.
"I told him not to piss me off! MWU-HAHAHAH! Gack!" Two Bots hit her back, causing her to cough up a pink lollipop.
Exile
"You fucking son of a bitch. I saw what you wrote. We're not going to forget this."
~ George W. Bush
The Big Friendly Walrus sat in the psychiatrist's couch.
"Ah," Said the psychiatrist, a blue-furred beast with glaring yellow eyes, "Ze problem ez zat you are a zick twizted individual. But, but I notized that your reviewz are brutally honezt. Too brutal, you being ze zick homizidal pyromaniac that you are."
"Umm..." Said the Big Friendly Walrus, gingerly stroking his tusks. "I haven't killed anyone, nor have I set anyone on fire."
"Zat is bezides thee point." Said the psychiatrist. "Ze must learn on how to rezpect one another. Why do you pozt such thingz?"
"My mother..." Said the walrus. "She..."
"Yez?" Said the doctor. It was on the verge of a breakthrough. It knew it.
"...she makes me go to these would-be doctors, wasting my time."
The creature sighed. "Very well. Ze must get--"
"Excuse me, sir. But I need to go now."
"Ze have not finished ze zession!"
Two men wearing worn-out Arctic parkas burst in holding tranquilizer guns.
"My God!" Gasped the first one. "The Blue Yeti! IT EXISTS!"
The second raised his fist. "Do you hear me, Science Institute? I am not crazy! Do you hear me?! All these years of exploration were not useless! I shall be famous! I discovered a breakth-- YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
The Blue Yeti wrenched the gun from his hand, pulling off his hand with it. A bright burst of blood sprayed out, coating the blue fur.
The second man aimed his gun. The next second his entrails were covering his hands.
The Blue Yeti took out a comb and carefully combed its fur.
"Ah, yez. Now, where were we?" But the Big Friendly Walrus was nowhere to be seen.
Outside, the Big Friendly Walrus flopped out. "Hello. It is good to see you after so after so long."
His butler, the Little Mean Walnut nodded his head. "How was your session?"
"I am afraid it is nothing but a misguided do-gooder."
"I see. Shall I take care of it?"
The Walrus held up a flipper. "Do not let it trouble you. I have not seen home in a while. Let us go."
Ah. FanFiction.net. Home.
The Walrus got inside the car and the Walnut drove. After a while, Little Mean Walnut noticed something. "Sir, something's going on out there." Indeed it was. His mansion was in flames.
"NO!" Cried BFW. "All my hard work destroyed! The one about Artemis raping Holly! The one about Artemis and Butler resorting to cannibalism! ALL DESTROYED!"
"Who could do such a thing?" Gasped LMW.
"I did." Shouted a voice. Walrus noticed it at once. Princess Karita, the 12 year old tyrant. "You plagiarized my story and for that you shall pay."
"It was just a light-hearted parody!"
"SILENCE!" She snarled. "I hereby command you banished from this realm!"
"No, wait!" Cried the Walrus. "Please, have mercy!"
Several Bots grabbed the Walrus and Butler. "You have failed to follow the FanFiction guidelines. Destruction is imminent."
A vortex opened up in thin air. "You are banished." Said the bots. They grabbed the Walrus and his loyal butler, throwing him into the vortex. As soon as they were sucked up, it disappeared.
"I told him not to piss me off! MWU-HAHAHAH! Gack!" Two Bots hit her back, causing her to cough up a pink lollipop.