Erin awoke to a sharp pain in her abdomen. The dark of night did little to give her comfort as she tried to ignore the nagging fear in the back of her mind. She closed her eyes and tried to fall back asleep, but the pain came again. This time it was sharper. Blindly she reached for the man lying beside her.
It was one of the rare nights David was home and she grabbed his hand on instinct. They'd spent six months trying to have a baby; they knew how unlikely it was, but the ten week ultrasound proved they were still fertile. They had actually done it - and at their age, no less!
He rolled over to face her. His voice was groggy from sleep. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know, but something's not right." Of course, she knew what was happening, but she wasn't going to believe it. If she didn't believe it, it wasn't happening.
Dave bolted upright and flipped on the lamp they both winced as their eyes adjusted to the sudden light. "What hurts?" he demanded.
She couldn't say it, she couldn't make the words form. Swallowing the knot in her throat, she vowed she wouldn't cry. Why should she upset him when there was nothing he could do? "It's nothing, David."
"Erin, we both know you don't squeeze my hand like that over nothing." He swung his legs over the side of the bed and reached for his jeans. Quickly he donned them.
"Go back to sleep."
"We're going to the hospital."He pulled the zipper up and fastened the waistband.
"But what if...?" She didn't want to think the worst. She tried to ban any negative thoughts.
Dave put his arm around her with his hand settling on her lower belly, "It will be okay," his voice choked with emotion he tried to hide so he wouldn't scare her, "it has to be." Erin nodded. "Get dressed."
The baby was lost the next morning.
"David, I'm so sorry." She let herself cry this time - for her baby, herself, and the future she may not have with David. It was her job! Her duty as a mother to carry and protect her children and she failed! She cost David a child because she was too weak to carry it.
"There was nothing you could have done." He sat down next to her on the edge of their bed. "You heard what the doctor said, it was out of our control. You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I killed our baby, David. I'm so sorry-" she gasped as the sobs wracked her body. He pulled her close and held her tight. There were not words of comfort he could give her that could take the heartbreak away, but he could hold her. Brushing her hair off her face, he kissed her cheek and placed his hand on her abdomen. Then he kissed it.
"There's no one there, David," she chastised, but her voice was hollow.
"Not yet, but there will be. We did it once we will do it again."
Dave's point of view
~0~0~0~
He knew what was happening the second she reached for his hand. He'd been there once before. But that didn't stop him from getting his hopes up that maybe he would finally be blessed with a child to call his own.
When they got the good news, he had bought and borrowed every baby book known to man. For ten weeks he tried to stay positive - all they had to do was pass the first trimester and they were home free - but there was still that nagging doubt in the back of his mind. But he went to Mass and said his Rosary faithfully. And every day that passed without bad news gave reinforced his hope that he and Erin would have what they wanted. While out of town on a case, he passed by a quilt shop and considered buying a baby blanket. Was there a more perfect gift for their future child? Now he was glad he hadn't.
When Erin woke him, her face ghost white and crying, he knew what was happening. He tried to stay strong and be there for her, but his hopes were crushed. Gone. One simple word from the doctor to confirm what his heart already knew. He hung his head. Their child was gone before it was given the chance to grow.
"I killed our baby." Her words cut through him like daggers and ripped his heart out for the second time that day. He could tell her all day long that it wasn't her fault, but it wouldn't matter. Erin depended on what people did. That was her code and what she believed in. He couldn't argue with her, so he kissed her, letting his lips give her the solace empty words couldn't. He loved her. He always loved her and he loved their baby. He kissed her belly, as a way to say goodbye to the child they never got to meet.
"There's no one there."
"Not yet, but there will be," he promised sincerely. "We did it once, we will do it again."
"Maybe it's too late for us," she argued sorrowfully. "Maybe this is enough."
He heard the hollow tone of her voice. She was calling it quits. Fear clutched at his heart."We'll make it, Erin, and we will find a way to add to our family I promise," he said and held her even tighter. That was a promise he would make good on.
He wasn't going to let nature decide who he could and couldn't spend the rest of his life with - not even Erin was going to stop him from being happy. And if it took the rest of his life to prove to her that they were meant to be, then the rest of his life was going to start tonight.