Raphael's Complexities

December 31, New Years Eve, a time to reflect on the ending year and look forward to the new year. I normally don't care about things I find trivial, such as this, but who can turn down the pouting eyes of their youngest brother. Mikey wanted to attend the Times Square New Years Eve Bash for the first time instead of having to watch it on TV. Leo and Donny could care less so Mikey turned to me. Somehow I couldn't refuse him. So here I am getting ready to go out into the freezing cold weather to keep Mikey happy. I threw on some jeans and was throwing on a New York Yankees sweatshirt when Mikey walked in whistling. He stood there bouncing on the balls of his feet waiting as patiently as Mikey can for me to finish getting ready. I threw on a final blue hoodie jacket and zipped it up. A final pat to make sure my sais were in place and then I grabbed my gloves and scarf. I shooed Mikey out of my room while checking to make sure that he would remain warm as well as covered from any scrutiny. I may not always show it but I really do care about my brothers.

Mikey's outside layer was similar to mine in that he was wearing jeans and had a grey hoodie on with a giant M on the front of it. His orange scarf was already in place around his neck. I finish putting on my gloves and scarf and finally we were ready to leave. As we are heading to the elevator door I see Leo and Don dressed and ready to go as well.

"I thought you guys weren't coming along."

"The question became did we want to see Mikey happy or Mikey bored?" Donny responded. Leo just shrugged. Mikey's grin grew till I was afraid his face would get stuck like that. I couldn't blame him though. Mikey likes to do things together with all four of us but for various reasons, like Leo returning from South America, times like that hadn't been occurring all that lately unless we were training or on a team building exercise.

"So are we going or what?" Mikey asked impatiently. I just rolled my eyes and repressed the urge to smack him upside the head.

"Let's go," Leo always the leader responded.

"Itekimasu, Sensei," all fours of us hollered as we left the lair through the elevator entrance.

The party at Times Square was in full swing by the time we got there. No one was going to notice four mutant turtles among them but I still was keeping a cautious eye out for any trouble. I wasn't the only one Leo was keeping a close eye on everything too. I guess that has always been our roles as older brothers. Leo, the leader, was always careful to make sure that nothing would cause us harm. As for me, I am his right hand man, well turtle, my job, simple to always be ready to jump in and help at a moments notice should problems arise.

Sure growing up I wanted to be top turtle but after Leo left for South America I realized that I really didn't want his job and the daily responsibility and pressures he dealt with. I believe that is part of the reason why he didn't come back so soon. He just needed a vacation from his twenty-four seven job of watching us, his little brothers. It hurt, man did it hurt when he stopped writing. That was when it hit me how hard it is to be leader as I tried to pick up the pieces of our broken family and ultimately having to give up and admit defeat. The final nail in the coffin though was when Leo was taken right after our rooftop fight. That is when I understood why Splinter gave me the job to be Leo's support. He needs it as much as I need to be led. Yeah Leo and I still fight but it is nothing like it used to be and we have been amazingly civil to each other since the Winter's fiasco.

I scan the area one more time before glancing at Mikey and seeing him entranced with everything going on while waiting for the final countdown to the New Year. It is so rare to see that smile now days. It has come back with Leo being home but it was missing almost the entire time he was gone. Mikey has always needed people around him. He feeds off of other people. But with Leo gone, Don locked himself in his lab with his tech job and as for me I was gone all the time at night between being Nightwatcher and my other night activity which my brothers still don't know about. I wonder when I will tell them about my job because nothing stays secret in our house for long.

"Raph, do you want some?" Mikey asks as he holds out a pizza slice he had conjured up from a local vendor here for the party.

"Sure," I grabbed a slice, gratefully. Mikey's interruption couldn't come at a better time. Here I was getting lost in the past and reflecting when I should be enjoying the party. Even Donny and Leo were having fun despite not wanting to come at first.

While I was munching on my pizza, Donny suggested some window shopping.

"Why not?" Donny asked when challenged, "How often do we get around Times Square let alone have time to explore? We should do it now while everyone's partying and distracted."

He had a point so off we went window shopping.

Not much later as we were coming out of a music store, we were laughing and joking around just enjoying ourselves when Leo stopped in front of a store which happened to be closed at the time. When the three of us took notice, we turned around to see Leo just staring inside of the shop window. I swear if it was anyone else drool would of been coming out of Leo's beak. Curious we joined Leo. Donny and Mikey upon seeing the weapons displayed in the window admired the craftsmanship and then proceeded to give Leo a hard time. But me I didn't tease, instead I carefully noted which ones in particular had caught Leo's eyes.

They were beautiful pieces of work. Two twin katana and wakizashi were laying on a rack stand. The sheaths for the blades were very simple just a layer of leather over a thin metal insert. The hilts of the blades were blue leather wrapped around the pommels. The leather had dragons imprinted on them in gold filigree. The blades themselves seemed simple in the low lighting but in reality on closer inspection were made from the finest steel and had Japanese written into the blades themselves. Everything about the blades screamed Leo, simple looking on the outside but lethal when tested while still containing a beautiful soul on the inside.

"They're beautiful aren't they?"

Leo sighs, "Yeah, too bad they are not for sale. It says so here in the window they are only on display."

"You really want them don't you?" I asked sympathetically.

"Even if I wanted them, we couldn't afford them Raph. Ravenwood Armory stocks only weapons of the finest quality."

I frown, "It's a shame that just because of who and what we are we can't have things like this. We survive off of second hand things or the things April brings us. It's not fair."

Leo sadly smiled and nodded, "But that is our lot in life," and with that the discussion was over, "We should catch back up with Don and Mikey. I saw them returning to the party. It's about time for the ball to drop."

Leo started back in the direction where we had come from. I took one more look at the twin katana and wakizashi and just smiled, what Leo didn't know wouldn't hurt him. I then hurried to catch up with Leo as we returned to our brothers.

When we finally caught back up with Donny and Mikey, the ball was about five minutes from dropping. Mikey was bouncing up and down in sheer excitement. His grin was so huge that I thought that I could see every one of his teeth. I couldn't help it I grinned back. Mikey has that kind of smile and bubbly personality that can become infectious. I got to admit it was fun despite the risks.

The band was playing its final song before the countdown. Looking over at Donny, I saw him enjoying the party but still there was that look present. The one look that he gets when he is deep in thought right before coming up with a brilliant idea. I wondered what he was thinking but decided that it could wait as I hear the countdown begin at the one minute mark.

At the ten second mark I look around at my brothers and see that they are all having fun especially Mikey. In those ten seconds I made my New Years resolution. I know my brothers very well, their moods, thoughts, habits, and desires but they know so little of mine. We have drifted apart so much since we were kids. I know most of that is my fault but I am going to do something about that.

"Happy New Year!" everyone cheered when the fireworks went off. I get a enthusiastic hug from Mikey, an arm slung across my shoulders from Don, Leo put his hand on my shoulder and just smiled. In his eyes, I saw everything that needed to be said. I just smiled back at Leo.

Softly I wished him a 'Happy New Year, bro." Leo and I don't talk much unless he needs to exert his authority on me but despite that I like to think that Leo is the one who understands me the best. Like he reads between the lines of everything that I say and do. I want to be fully open with my brothers and stop guarding myself so much. I don't know when I started doing that. Who am I kidding? I know exactly when I changed and stopped telling my family what I thought and felt. I need to tell them but when? When is there ever a good time to tell them?

A couple of hours later, we are all heading home in the Battle Shell, I was driving, when the topic of New Year's resolutions came up. It was inevitable I was just wondering when the topic would start up. Donny started it. I guess that is what he was thinking so hard on before the ball dropped.

"So what did you guys resolve to do differently this year? Mikey?"

"Dude, I promised myself that I would try to be less annoying and more patient." I snorted it was the same resolution as last year and the year before that. Mikey always tries to do it every year and inevitably never succeeds. He remains the same level of annoying and the patience was always thrown in for the sake of Splinter who was constantly preaching it at Mikey. "What about you Leo?"

Leo looked straight at me and replied, "To be more tolerable and understanding, especially when pushed. You, Donny?"

"Mine is to stop immersing myself in my projects so much that I stop spending time with family. Basically, not give up my projects but also realize there is a family that I also need to spend my time with. Raph?"

"To stop being angry so often, and since I know I probably won't fulfill that one my second one is to surprise my brothers at least once a month over something." There was no laughter or smiles like I thought there would be at my declaration but instead a thoughtful expression on each one of my brothers' faces as they thought over my resolution. I guess I may be well on my way to opening up to my brothers and working on the second resolution. Only time would tell whether or not it could be done. All I know is I miss those days when we used to be so close. I once again promised myself that I would tell them everything and not have anymore secrets between us. This was not going to be easy.