Title: Diet Pepsi [oneshot]
Characters: Kane; CM Punk
Rating: T
Summary: The Friendly Team bakery is the most popular in town, and sometimes they get some real assholes for customer. With Kane as the cashier, this never ends well.

Kane glared down his nose at the man on the other side of his counter, letting out a groan in hopes to both calm his anger before it began… and in hopes to make the person in front of him feel ashamed of himself.

CM Punk was one of his major roadblocks on his path to overcoming his anger management problems, and Daniel was always too busy baking goddamn cupcakes to come out and talk him through his rage.

Put lightly, he wanted to strangle CM Punk and then hang him on a cross next to the register.

It would be a warning to everyone who walked in not to mess with the guy in the mask. Let them know nobody was above his wrath, not even the well-respected "Second City Saint".

Yes, the thought of inflicting violence always had calmed his rage.

Even so, telling him this had never made him leave any quicker.

With gritted teeth and a forced smile, Kane used the same voice he did on Daniel when he was having one of his episodes. "How may I help you?"

Punk obviously enjoyed what he was doing; he examined his fingernails calmly, as if he hadn't heard the sarcasm in the cashier's voice. "Diet Pepsi, as usual,".

"We don't serve Pepsi Products, sir. Mick's Butcher Shop is next door, and they have what you want. Bother them."

"Nonsense… Mr. Bearer, is it? There's a box of them sitting right behind you. I can see them. Just like always,". There was an emphasis and a smirk with his last jab. Kane ignored it.

He was getting a line, which he was pretty sure only encouraged Punk. He should have never agreed to let Daniel buy a 12-pack at the 7-11 the first day the man had asked. But no. No, Daniel said it would be worth it because Punk was fine with a massive up-charge..

Since then, they had some cans stashed away for Punk. Only Punk.

"For Chris'sakes, Kane. I know Danny has some in back for me. Just bend your butt below the register and grab one,".

"And leave the floor unsupervised? I can't do that, sir." Kane was pretty sure that no matter how he tried, he looked like he was going to kill someone… but that wasn't really a misleading possibility. "If you'd like to buy something else, our menu is right there and you can step aside for the customers who aren't a waste of my life,".

To his surprise and horror, Punk listened - but it was an obvious ploy. It had to be. There was no way CM Punk, the biggest asshat in the world, would be polite and agreeable when he could see a man have a psychotic break instead.

But Punk was quiet. He was quiet all the way through his second trip in the line, appearing to examine the menu intently with his chin resting on his palm hand in deep thought. He made it through the whole line this way, up until the moment he had made his way back through "I'll take a cupcake, sir."

"Oh? What kind?" This was a surprise to him; they had done this dance before, and CM Punk would always get back in line continously until he could, again, order his Diet Pepsi. Kane saw him do this four times per visit, once.

"I want a cupcake with red, blue, and white icing, friend".

"Yeah, okay. We make those,". Some freaks came in every couple of days to buy them by the dozen. They were with the Tea Party, he was pretty sure. Or the KKK. He could never tell.

Either way, they insisted on flag themed cupcakes, but they never called in advance so they always had some ready. Titan City was a pretty patriotic town so they sold anyway. They just kept them in a separate fridge. Something about color coordination.

Fuck.

He pulled away from the register and heard a snort, which was quickly muffled by what he was sure was Punk's hand. He never turned his back on a customer if he could, because then they'd see his pink pants. Daniel insisted they wear something that was pink because "the shop had a theme and deserts are happy. Happy means pastels!"

Kane hated his life, but a few moments later he turned around with CM Punk's first goddamn cupcake, and saw the man furrow his brow.

"Oh, Kane… This cupcake - It's not what I asked for."

"Excuse me?"

"Kane, I asked for red, white, and blue. Not those colors swirled together… That's gross as shit", and with that he removed his hoodie and pulled up one of his sleeves, revealing the Pepsi Logo.

Freak.

"If you need a reference, just use this! You can take a picture if you need to have something to look at. I have a Smart Phone,."

Kane took hold of the counter, preparing to leap over it. In his calmest voice, he said one of the things that already gotten him a write-up from Mr. Shelby. "Stand still so I can rip off your testicles."

He would use them as door chimes.

Author Notes: Hello, everybody! This is kind of a crack-inspired series, but I have no self-respect and this is what it turned into. Later Chapters will feature characters who run businesses such as Bray's BBQ and Rhode's Coffee, The Friendly Bakery's unknown rivals.

As always constructive criticism is very much appreciated, or reviews of any sort. Even hateful ones. I just want to be notices.