It all started after my dad left for war. I didn't have anyone to turn to. My mom, she's passed out on the sofa. My best friend? Well, he's trying to discover his sexuality. It just kind of happened. It was an idea in my head. The blood didn't seem real. It was a fun hobby after that. Like blogging. Or going to the movies. Just an average hobby.
It started one day, I came to school, in best outfit. A white long sleeve, and plain skirt. I was determined to get the intern spot with Caitlyn Ryan. I will be a journalist. Paige, my competition. I didn't think much of it. She wasn't exactly, the right material. But then I found out, she plays dirty. She spilled red fruit drink all over me, in an attempt to ruin my appearance. Convinced I didn't get the spot I went home to find my mom passed out on the couch. A picture of my dad in her hand. That's when I knew everything was going downhill. Occupied by the sanctuary of my room I began to contemplate getting out of there. Or at least an outlet. Something. Someone I could control. That's when I first pressed a blade to my arm. The pain was tolerable, nothing horrible. Sweet, like an addiction. But better than an addiction. It wouldn't kill me…just yet. The blood melted down my arm. Warm yet cool. Relasing. Relaxing. I wanted to do it more and more, but I knew I had to savor it for later. When I woke in the morning I trembled my fingers over the scabbed wound. It was leaving a scar, most defiantly.
When I got to school, I was told I got the internship. I was ecstatic. Paige was jealous. With all the extra writing, school work, and lack of friends life got depressing after a few weeks, and is started back up with my addiction. It felt unique. I felt unique. Strangely those where probably the happiest weeks of my life. Then, I had an assignment. Spend a Saturday in detention. I tried to ignore most everyone at my school. They all whispered about my cutting, but nobody actually believed the rumors. Did they? I don't think anyone wanted to believe them. When I was at school, and I felt like I was being watched. I felt scared. Embarrassed, anything, I couldn't exactly press my blade down. So, I wore rubber-bands. It wasn't much. But the pang against my wrist got me thinking clearly.
Possibly, I would need to slip away for a cut break so I put my "cd case" in my bag. A notebook of course, three pencils, and a tape recorder. I put my hair in a usual two braids. Black. More black. Rubber bands. I threw my bag on my back and walked the three blocks to school. When I arrived I was nervous, snap against my wrist.
It wasn't the most interesting. Jimmy and Sean don't seem to be very fond of each other. Sean is busily occupying himself with a ball. I studied my arm "warmers" I wondered carefully if anyone bought that. Then, suddenly a chunk of roof landed in front of me. Sean. He had hidden the roof with his stupid ball.
"Great you got it on my bag" I stated dully.
"is anything broken?" he seemed sincere as he reached for my bag, but I quickly pulled it out of his grasp, inspecting it myself.
We brainstormed on how to get the tile back into the roof. Finally, jimmy held Sean up, who boosted Toby, who complained about heights until he injected the board. As soon as it was applied, they all tumbled down. "and they all fall down" I whispered as I reached to help Sean up, not realizing what I was doing. He looked at me like I was an idiot, before grabbing my hand and helping himself up. He dusted himself off, like a "G". just then, radish walked in and assigned us new seats.
"P!" begged hazel.
Eventually the conversation shifted to why we where here, finally something interesting.
"I have to be here for 8 weeks, anti-social behavior" proudly states Sean.
"Big surprise there" said hazel, snickering under her breath. Then Sean turned towards me.
"Why are you here?" he asked.
"I was caught skipping class." I stated. "what? I didn't feel like going."
"That's a great story ellie." jimmy smiled. I almost did too.
"Do you have one better?" Sean asked. Almost defending me. Almost.
The conversation went on like that, for a little bit. Resulting in a game of truth or dare.
Finally though, it was over and I began taking more boring notes.
Sean made his way beside me.
"Want some?" I asked, offering him some of my sandwich.
"Nah" he replied.
"hey!"hazel practically yelled.
"Let's go to the roof." she stated happily.
When we arrived to the top of the roof, everyone split up. Sean was by my side. I laid down on the gravel texture of the roof.
"You don't seem scared of me," he half questioned.
"And your one of the few kids at this school that talks to me." I smiled. He contemplated this for a few moments.
He took my hand into his. Slowly pulling my sleeve down, and examining my cuts. I don't know why I let him.
"Are you freaked now?" I asked.
"Not at all" he replied. Gripping my hand tightly.
Later on, we had all rushed barely getting out of radishes sight when I dropped my bag. Out popped the cassette player. Stupid, stupid, me. My earlier conversation with Sean. He grabbed the player paused it, and looked at me." its for a story, I'm on the paper, I want using names." I instantly spit out my confession. Disappointed looks from all around. Not even words from Sean. Who I thought had my trust. He just grabbed the tape, practically spit in my face and left detention. Hazel shook her head. Jimmy and Toby stared. I walked home, alone. I cut so much more than ever than night. I felt fanatic the next day. But when school rolled around, I knew I had to confront Sean.
"Sean…" I started.
"What do you want?" he asked rudely.
"Here's the other tape. There's no story." I apologized. He threw it in his locker. I shook my head, and walked away.
"So your not afraid of me?" he asked.
"Not one bit." I said turning around.
And our lips collided.