A 'somebody', somewhere in this world said there was no such thing as love at first sight, and for a while I honestly believed him. His cold and unsatisfying life was dedicated to killing mine, dragging it down into a grave along with him. For a while I believed there was nothing more to life than right or wrong, fact or fiction- but looking back now- I've never felt so mistaken. I'd laugh when people were intimate, caring, romantic- I'd never felt it- I couldn't see how other people did either. But now I know, when there is no love, there is no oxygen and therefore nothing to live for. I came to this worn out town with this cruel perception spiraling through my head, breaking it down into little pieces until there was no meaning left to it. There was no significance in it- there wasn't any truth. The only thing I knew was certain was that my life was officially screwed over, and I had plans to bring everyone down with me. Yet, there was always bound to be a twist involved in my life. I was always going to meet a boy named Embry Call, and he'd always be the guy that would ultimately piece my life together.
He was to be my new stepbrother.
I suppose its right for me to say that my father logging onto an international dating site led me to my destiny. If he hadn't met his lover, I would never have taken a long desperate drive over rainy, run-down roads and shown a glimpse of La Push through the plain car windows. Without him, I would never have known there was always something better for me- away from my real home. And when they day came for me to meet my new brother, he gave me a gift that I couldn't fathom. An introduction to the most simplistically beautiful boy to touch down on the earth. Embry changed my life.
After many sleepless nights and ridiculous daydreams, I came to terms with myself and released every unrealistic thought about this boy would only crush me later on. I focused on the morning when I would have to wake up and go to school. I paid attention to the butterflies fluttering throughout my whole chest. I listened and watched as more students packed into the already bursting hallways, gathering enough inconceivable memories to haunt a small child. It was then that I realized that 'the social food chain' wasn't just a figure of speech. The first bell rang, and I had found myself at the bottom again. 'Freshman year.' I would cower beneath homework and chores while I watched my peers live out their lives, enjoying themselves, having fun. I was a robot, continuing my life with the same old robotic movements, singing the same old rusty tunes. I guess God got tired of my mechanized melody and finally decided to give some piece of my life back. And so I took the very thing he gave me and used it to my advantage, after all, he granted me something I'd only dreamed about. Something a dork like me had never had before. The word was almost as foreign to me as the place I was now living. Popularity. Surprisingly, it remained so.
Yet here I am today, still unsatisfied. The boy that is the implication of my life, the key to my existence, the air that I breathe, still won't look my way. Perhaps it is because I'm not the only girl aware of his gorgeous smile and striking eyes, maybe then he would might notice me- then I'd get a happy ending. But the girls in this town have never been more conscious of him and in terms of him discovering me; he would practically have to look through a microscope to identify if I was a girl or a worthless, hollow particle. Perhaps it's because I'm not good enough for him. Perhaps, the most logical and accurate explanation is that some douche bag stuffed everything up for me. I'm simply peeved, utterly upset, incredibly irritated. Just when I thought I had Embry Call to thank, he screwed things up. He made the worst mistake of his life. Of mine. Now I'm left with another impending insight, one that comes to slap me in the face whenever my brother and my infatuation are in a room together. Yeah, It really does suck to be me. Don't get me wrong, I still love him, I just cant bring myself to accept that he ruined my chances. I'm standing in a shadow of doubt- a pool of confusion- caught between the two people I care for the most. The boy I love holds the power to make me tremble, his utter flawlessness is the core substance to making me freeze and his tone along with the tender language that flows from his lips are the words of a gentleman. I've realized I can probably never have him; I will die alone, never to love again. I know that time changes everything, but I wouldn't have a clue to turn it back and start over. And as much as I would like more time to let things heal- I know they never will. Forever is a long time to say goodbye.
And as I constantly tell myself to let it go, I know that I will only feel more for him, which in turn makes me feel pathetic. … the very thought of him makes me want to rip his clothes off.
"Charlize, stop, you're scaring me." Eva, my know-it-all, good for everything best friend whispers in my ear. "You have that look on your face again."
It sucks to have such an easy-to-read expression. I might have to opt for a mask. A huge one, with soft feathers and tailored with beads, enough to distract people from my pain and cover my fallen tears.
I whisper the only thing I know I'm certain of, the very word that has me tangled in a web, the word I scribble over my binder everyday. My eyes wonder for a moment, across the yard where I usually wait for my angel to arrive at the school gates. I know there is only a 50/50 chance he will show up. I revert myself back into my silent thoughts, breathless. Can I get anymore pitiable? I shake my head, banishing unnecessary thoughts. I gaze back to the gate and exhale; looks like he showed up. Eva smiles to herself, I suppose she knows I will be extra happy today. His swift body turns to face his friends while eyeing me in the distance. He smiles faintly. 'He must love me.' I feel sick to the bone now, my face is pulsing with an embarrassing charge of blood, my stomach feels like a performing circus and my hair is in all probability, standing on end by a charge of electricity. Only one boy can do that to me.
Just one.
"Paul." I whispered.