Avon stared at the ceiling of his cabin. He always had trouble sleeping; his mind was usually too active to surrender easily to a more restful state. Thoughts crowded his consciousness; worries and uncertainties, the myriad of regrets he was able to keep a small part of his life during the daylight hours. Things he was always able to keep hidden from the others. It would never do to have them realize that he was human.
It had become even worse after the encounter with the alien that had tried to possess Cally. His mind kept going back to the same thread. Relationships. And how he had spent most of his life avoiding them. He didn't want to think about it. It was not supposed to be that important.
But his mind would not let him go.
It had become such a habit of life, that he was even able to fool himself. It was easier to be seen as someone who didn't care. He found it amusing to present a face that no one could read; to confound others with actions that didn't match with his attitude. Keep them guessing. Don't expect anything from me. How many times had he saved someone but professed to be surprised at his own actions. Or claim that it was purely for selfish reasons. Blind fools; even after he told them that was what he was doing.
It had been too subtle for them. It actually required them to look beyond the surface. Avon smiled sarcastically. It was better that they didn't understand. The expression of caring was his alone; not subject to the expectations or demands of others.
There were only three people whom he had never been able to fool.
Anna. The one for whom he would suffer and die willingly. With whom he was going to spend the rest of his life. Their love had been very special to him.
And she had used it to play him for the fool.
He hated the pain that came from caring. There was no heart to be ripped out if you didn't have a heart. Unfortunately, pretending you don't have one, didn't work as well as the real thing.
Blake. The fool. He did love the man. As much as he hated him. Blake always understood that he cared enough to never leave them to die.
And the man had used that knowledge for his own purposes. Tying him with bonds that could not be seen. He had felt trapped.
The years with Blake had reminded him why he had devoted most of his life to acting as if he never cared for anyone.
And Cally.
Cally.
Avon realized why he couldn't sleep.
She loved him and she had fought for him. And he knew that she would. When the alien had invaded her mind and tried to take over the ship, Avon knew it had picked the wrong host.
For the first time, he had to admit it to himself. She alone had understood what he had said about his views of caring. She alone had never used that knowledge to betray or manipulate him.
Fear.
It still remains.
She could still betray me.
His instinct told him that she never would. But, of course, it was the same instinct that had told him that Anna never would.
She can never betray me if she doesn't know.
A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.
But those kinds of mistakes can get you killed, Cally. Those kinds of mistakes can…
Still hurt. Why Anna?
It was no use asking a question that would never be answered; a question he already knew the answer to. His caring had been nothing more than a vulnerability she could exploit.
I was a fool to allow anyone to get that close.
So why was he thinking of Cally now?
For a brief moment, when he was kissing the alien, he had felt her. The lips he kissed, were no longer the alien he didn't know. In that instant, he knew that she would risk everything for him; that she was risking everything. Action beyond sentiment. Be safe, Avon.
Was I imagining it?
Was this someone he would chose to risk everything for again?
Could he hazard it? What would the cost be this time?
Avon got up and headed to Cally's cabin. He had to know the answer.