It was in this way that I discovered something that I find to be both amazing and terribly simple. Accidents are the best and worst part of life.
When you think about it, life itself is an accident. We beat phenomenal odds just to be conceived. We do it again when we're born without any sort of defects or problems. Then we go through life playing a game of poker. There are chances to take and odds and payoffs and losses and so much more. Death is the time we finally lose it all. When the odds turn totally against us.
That's not what this is about though. This isn't about the chances that I would have died when or how I did. It's not about the fact that one of the most ironic things that ever happened me was that I was killed by a drunk driver even as I prevented a friend from doing what that man did to me.
No, this is about a different accident. It's about Jack. He was perhaps one of the biggest accidents that ever happened to me.
It was all an accident with him right from the start. It was an accident that I became as attracted to him as I did. It was an accident that that same attraction got so out of control that I couldn't stop myself from falling into his arms as it were. It was no accident that it continued but it certainly was one for me to fall in love with him. I even tried not to.
With Jack I always knew what the rules were. He didn't play games with me the way Joel did. He was always very clear—in his own way. Whatever. The point was that we both knew exactly what our relationship was. We were coworkers that complimented each other well, we were friends that cared about one another and we were bed-mates who enjoyed a good roll in the hay on a regular basis. Love was never supposed to be part of the equation.
Then things happened. I found out more about Jack and liked what I saw. There was a lot of that. It was a lot like what happens between friends that weren't so close and then have a heart-to-heart one day only on a more massive level. It was nice.
That set me up for the fall. I suppose my final step was when I found that the job was really grating on me. I'd had a lot of really heart-wrenching cases all one on top of the other and I was feeling it. Jack was right there. He told me that I would get used to it and sort of pushed me through it a bit, holding my hand when I really needed it. Jack hasn't always been the most sensitive or nurturing of people but my idealism and need to do good even he couldn't miss and he did his best to help me with it. I suppose he always figured I'd toughen up later—which I did to an extent—but the point was that even though there were times I think he had no idea what was going on in my head and was an insensitive ass he did what he could. I don't think he often really knows what to do but right then he was absolutely perfect. It was all I needed.
I knew what had happened violated our silently agreed upon relations and that I should probably end the relationship before I did any more damage to myself. I didn't. I guess I figured that I should hold onto what I had while I could. I don't know. Sometimes I really just didn't think.
Whatever my reasons I'll always be glad I didn't do the sensible thing. Jack fell for me too and despite the fights those were some of the happiest times of my life. Even through all that stuff with Mickey Scott and the death penalty I never regretted being with Jack. Even with the doubts I had about what would happen to us those day I at least didn't regret it. I finally figured out how we might be able to get by it and how we could keep things the way they were when a second big accident was thrown my way.
I don't regret dying though. I figure that there are worse things that could have happened and if I'll be dead for eternity it won't be that hard to wait for Jack. One thing I think I learned from all my time to think about life and love is that you shouldn't regret accidents. Accidents and unpredictability and love make life worth living.
I will never regret accidentally falling for Jack. If I hadn't I would probably be alive now but then again I don't think I ever would have really lived at all.