When loneliness sucks, you deal with it
There was a star danced, and under that was I born.
--William Shakespeare „Much Ado About Nothing"
Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life. --Leo Buscaglia
Death ends a life, not a relationship.
-- Jack Lemmon
-x-
27th July, Konoha hospital.
21:13
Sasuke Uchiha stretched himself in his chair and looked painfully at the huge pile of paperwork he had to cover. Tsunade had finally discovered his missing charts of the previous cases and clinic patients in the morgue, at one of the free containers. Sasuke's only explanation he had managed to come up with was: the ink would hold much longer if it was frozen solid. After that he could swear every little, nose-weeping baby could hear Tsunade's voice throughout the entire building.
Of course, Sasuke Uchiha was the man who would always rise to a challenge, so he had decided to put one of his teammates to work for him, but when he had gone to his office, it was empty. Sure, Karin was long gone on honeymoon with his git of a brother and a note on the table said that Shikamaru and Temari had decided to start their vacation earlier: like after they had heard the first note of Tsunade's voice.
Sasuke Uchiha then had been about to walk to the office next door, but then remembered that his bestest friend had gone on holiday as well.
And so, the great evil genius Sasuke Uchiha was drowned in self-pity and paper for an entire evening he could have spent with his family. As much of a heaven his job was, it also had the equal amount of hell in it.
Yeah, like two giant boobs, finally in a perspective of deflation when that brat of Jiraya's is finally born. I'm surprised he actually stuck around for the wedding. People do actually grow up.
The cell phone rang and Sasuke broke a pencil end on his seven-hundredth chart. He looked at the caller and rolled eyes, knowing exactly what he was about to hear. So, to cut things short.
"No, I'm not home. Why? Because that woman made me drown in useless paperwork. Oh, and my eyes are fine. Still in their sockets. For now"
"Nice to hear you too" Naruto's cheerful voice didn't light up Sasuke's mood at all "when do you plan on getting home?"
"Oh, I don't know. Perhaps once you're out of Hawaii, I'll be on my way" Sasuke sighed and signed another chart just to throw it on the floor in the "done" pile and take another from the top on his desk "why are you calling anyway?"
"Just checking on you" Sasuke could almost see Naruto shrugging in that artificial manner.
"Well I'm fine" he emphasized the last word as hard as he could manage "drop it already"
"Sasuke, I'm worried that you have problems with-"
"Yeah, you're right, I do have problems: one is sitting beseechingly on my desk and the other is on the far side of the phone, already feeling happy to be there, cause if he wasn't, he'd receive a kick in a groin"
"Fine, I got it, you're frustrated. Could you please stop threatening me every time I worry about you?"
"No" Sasuke sighed "look, I gotta go. The pile of shit won't disappear with just wishful thinking. Tell Hinata I said hi" and he hung up, knowing Naruto will curse him like hell for this.
Suddenly, the door to his office opened and a Spanish-descent woman entered, followed by a little, black-haired girl.
"I'm sorry, Mister Uchiha" she said with a clear accent "she just wouldn't stop crying until I promised I'd get her to see you"
"It's alright, Vivian" Sasuke trailed his look down to the little girl with the same shade of raven hair he had "come back tomorrow at the same time. You can leave her things here"
"See you tomorrow" Vivian waved childishly to the girl, who answered the same and left.
The girl turned around, her hands around a brown teddy bear and her tiny body dressed in a dark blue combination of miniature sweater and pants. Her thin eyebrows frowned at Sasuke, as if expecting him to scold her for being impatient. But Sasuke just sighed and waved her to come closer, a soft smile, so unlike his usual smirk, playing on his lips. The girl's grin lit up immediately and she pranced to him, hopping on his lap.
"So, what brings you here when you should be asleep?" he asked, playing with her long pitch black locks. The emerald green gaze met his own onyx one and smiled with all the innocence and cuteness Sasuke could (or couldn't) imagine in the world.
"I wanted a story from daddy" she announced proudly, her voice having that cotton-like sound, coming from the back of her throat "it is alright to stay up. I will be alright. I'm five already" Sasuke could barely hold back an awe to the way his daughter pleaded for tiny things. The way her smile effected him...he couldn't think of better drug. Actually, it wasn't all that unfamiliar. Green eyes he had seen before were now smaller, but no less appealing and loved.
"Fine. Which story do you want?" he asked, already preceding the answer. His daughter slid down from his lap, walked to the back the nanny left on a couch and returned, carrying a green-covered tome.
"Doctor Doolittle" she announced with that tone, indicating pride and gratitude at the same time. Again, an awful familiarity struck Sasuke into depths of his heart.
"Isn't this the one I've been telling you a thousandth time?" he sighed, but the image of himself, running around with the very same book after his mom rose from ashes once again. He loved that story. And he couldn't blame her for loving it too.
He took the tome from her delicate hands and pulled her over to his lap again, opening the story without the real need: he already knew every word by heart.
Now that I think about it, why does Megumi love it so much..?
-x-
Almost six years ago...
"Sasuke Uchiha!!!" a yell came from down the kitchen, distracting Sasuke from reading a medical book. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Sakura had become seriously hormonal during her pregnancy and every day, she would find something new to accuse him of.
Now, Sasuke had his patience tuned on the highest level and his sensors for her sudden outbursts sharpened. He knew all about hormone imbalance and babies and...craving. Craving was considered the worst part of it all: latest Sakura's wish kicked Sasuke out for some chocolate-covered cookies at 4am.
So he looked relieved when he saw her carrying a box inside their bedroom, where now stood a brand new baby crib, adding a certain tranquility and angst in the air.
Sakura stuffed a cookie in her mouth and after swallowing it, looked at her husband with anger.
"Whatever I did, it's not a big deal, alright?" he instantly washed his hands off whatever she considered wrong. Her belly had grown considerably and the last ultrasound revealed that they will have a girl to enter the family, which were great news for Sasuke, cause now (as he rationalized it to Naruto) he could kick ass to any jerk, trying to put his hands on his treasured daughter. That is, while she's in putridity. It would be pretty irresponsible to continue on for the rest of her life.
Sasuke walked to his angry and yet still gorgeous wife and touched the belly, also planting a kiss on her still rosy, yet a bit chocolate-riddled lips and found it even more delicious this way.
"Stop fussing over every dusty shelf in the house, it's bad for the baby" he put a short kiss on his daughter's whereabouts. Sakura sighed and dropped the cookie box on the bed, also dropping herself onto it and crossing arms on her chest.
"I want to name her" she stated, demandingly, proudly.
"What, like now?" Sasuke frowned at her. He changed his mind immediately, because a sparkle of red fire in Sakura's emerald orbs indicated her being less than impatient.
"Ok" Sasuke sighed.
He wasn't an idiot. He read the first half of the page of Hormonal pregnant wives and how to deal with them. And he wasn't a suicidal idiot and followed the first an utmost order the half of the page gave: always agree with them. Now Sasuke was beginning to think that just maybe he needed to finish that book after all.
Aya
Emi
Mizuki
Rin
"Oh, YES!" Sakura yelled and laughed like a child, who finally found her hidden Christmas presents "I've got it, I've got it. I can't believe it"
"Care to share?" Sasuke looked at her with pure admiration on how little things that annoyed her could also make her so delighted. Not that choosing a name for their daughter was little.
"Megumi. Do you hear? Megumi. Isn't it sweet?"
"Megumi...as in...blessing?" Sasuke's eyebrow shot up.
"Yeah. Isn't she the most blissful thing that had happened to us?" Sakura looked at him, waiting for his confirmation, which she wouldn't be expecting if she didn't have hormone imbalance. Sasuke decided to play it safe.
"Sure she is. Greatest I could have imagined" he loved Sakura a bit too much now to ignore her simple, albeit contradicting wishes.
He was still worried about his reactions to screaming and pooping and so on, but, hey, people can change, right?
Sasuke touched the womb again, feeling the blessing that was yet to come to this cracked up world and smiled: they both were his blessings now.
His Megumi.
-x-
Sasuke had finished reading a story about the crocodile and his tooth when he felt Megumi's tiny head ramming into his strong chest and heard her breathing deepened and slowed. He looked down at the face that was an exact miniature copy of her mother...except for the hair: she received his velvet blackness, but still they grew long, as if catching up with Sakura's pinks.
Sasuke sighed carefully. Megumi had inherited so much of Sakura that sometimes Sasuke doubted he had any part in her existence at all. Megumi even had a natural scent of flowers that would come from gods know where, just like her mother. Although Sasuke was sure until she was born that Sakura had been using some sort of cool body cream, their daughter having the same fragrance proved him completely wrong.
And then there were the eyes. Green orbs of both were so similar that Sasuke sometimes mistook Megumi for looking at Sakura.
It was suffocatingly strong resemblance, because the moment Sasuke realized who he was talking to, his breath would be long gone from his lungs.
He picked up Megumi and their stuff and left his office, heading for the exit. Tsunade and her damn paperwork could wait another day.
Megumi didn't wake up even when he gently placed her on the heated back seat of his BMW and turned the engine on. Another feature she had received from her mother was the deep as ocean sleep: Sakura could sleep through anything and so could Megumi. Sasuke was thankful, cause it saved hundreds of sleepless nights and puffy eyes.
Sasuke drove carefully through light-fading New York, thinking about how to get home faster and lay his Megumi down in her own comfy bed.
His Megumi, his little blessing.
-x-
Sasuke would have dashed himself on the maternity ward floor if not for two male nurses catching him half way. Not the broken nose he would like to show his laboring wife. She now needed his encouragement and his strong arm and cold nerves...the ones he left on the whiteboard. Why oh why did his every precious event of life had to be pursued by an impossible case? The truth lies somewhere beyond.
Sasuke stopped himself from running by ramming into the door of the ward he knew Sakura was in: he could hear her groaning from pain caused by contraptions. He inhaled some bravery and stepped inside, only to be shouted at:
"Where the hell have you been?!" although almost drowning in sweat and pain and agony, Sakura Uchiha looked heavenly to Sasuke and he couldn't blame himself: she was about to give him the best gift ever.
"Mighty case" he answered shortly, putting a cold compress on her forehead.
"The only MIGHT you have to worry about is the one I'll be pushing your daughter out with!"
She had a point. Nevertheless, Sasuke could feel half his brain circulating around the failed liver of the patient. Who cares, anyway? His wife's in a labour. Tsunade will cut him some slack over one dead body. Hopefully. Oh well, at least both were happening at the same building, no need to fly few miles.
Sakura screamed as contraptions got worse and a bunch of nurses and a head midwife stepped in, ready to help Sakura.
"I can't believe this is the day, Uchiha" doctor Elizabeth Lynda from paediatrics sighed at the sight of Sasuke at Sakura's side.
"Deal with your believes later. Deal with her NOW!" Sasuke couldn't help but feel exaggerated and flushed, especially when Sakura's nails dug blood-deep into his skin as she yelled with pain again.
"Alright, girl, you need to push harder" Elizabeth ordered, putting on the mask "you can do it, just breathe and push!"
Sakura's scream pierced Sasuke's ears, but he just squeezed her hand tighter, hoping that it will at least mentally help with the pain.
He no longer felt like all knowing doctor. More like no-knowing moron. Do newly established dads always feel this way?
Sakura screamed again between groans and heavy breathings. Sasuke could feel even her hand sweating and it gripped tighter, if that was humanly possible.
"Alright, I see the head" doctor Lynda announced from behind the sheets of blue and Sakura's legs "you're doing great"
Well of course she was doing great. She was his fighter, his stronghold for almost any aspect of his life, except maybe medicine, but even there he could find her useful, solving cases with epiphanies she'd wake in him.
Bringing their daughter in this world didn't seem such a huge thing, no matter how it hurt.
-x-
Sasuke opened the door to his house and without turning the lights on, carried sleeping Megumi to the room that used to be a guest room. Now it was transformed into a little children's paradise. He carefully laid her in the bed and moved few strands of her velvet black hair behind her ear. The moonlight illuminated Megumi so Sasuke could see her smiling through her sleep. He kneeled in front of her, his warm smile again returning to his lips.
His Megumi...his blessing...his Sakura...his blessing...
His Sakura that he missed so much and needed even more...
-x-
Sasuke felt hazy with joy as he gave his daughter her first bath, carefully removing all the blood with warm water. She stopped screaming moments after she landed on his arms as if knowing she was safe there and now, Sasuke could blissfully feel her miniature fingers squeezing his index finger. A tingling sensation of happiness went through his chest as he wrapped his daughter into warm white sheets and brought it to Sakura, who was slowly recovering from pain. She looked rather horrible: sweaty forehead and wet hair, tears, dried out on her face and a little blueish eyelids...but she still looked like an angel to Sasuke. Sure enough, she was the one who blessed him with that little bundle in his hands.
He passed their daughter to Sakura so she could give her the first meal. Sasuke watched her breast-feeding their blessing and couldn't help but stand there and smile like an idiot. A memory of Naruto, worrying left and right in front of OR flashed through his mind and his smile widened: he didn't get to receiving this kind of joy.
Ten minutes in and Sakura's life monitoring equipment went of: her BP was climbing fast. Sasuke checked her and she was still conscious, but again flushed and week. A bunch of doctors flooded the ward and took their daughter away for the procedure. Sasuke himself was pushed out and he suddenly felt that at last he had found a place in medicine that wasn't his: baby birth. No one's perfect. Doctor Lynda ran out two minutes later and her prognosis wasn't exactly what Sasuke had been expecting to hear: Sakura was haemorrhaging into her abdomen. The internal bleeding was caused by complications during the birth. They will do everything they can. Sasuke could sweat Lynda couldn't believe she was reassuring the always sure doctor Uchiha. But now he didn't really care about what she thought. He almost ordered her to save his wife, although he knew already that he might need to brace himself for the worst. And this time it won't be just a trip to Paris.
-x-
Sasuke took of Megumi's shoes and covered her legs under a blanket. He sat on the floor and watched her sleeping peacefully, smiling to something she saw under her gorgeous eyelids. Sasuke's smile was long gone. He couldn't bare to look at Megumi and not think about Sakura.
-x-
Sasuke could swear he walked out a little crater on the floor while waiting outside maternity ward. His only anchor was his strategic, cold mind that held him back from running inside and probably causing his wife a sepsis. He wouldn't be able to live with himself.
Twenty minutes later, doctor Lynda walked out, removing her surgical mask. She stood in front of frozen Sasuke for a while, hesitation in her eyes. Then she sighed and walked up to him. Sasuke stopped breathing for a while.
"She wants to see you" she said silently. Sasuke looked at her, then his look caught five doctors, leaving the ward and throwing him scared glances. He passed Lynda and pushed the ward door open.
Sakura looked worse than before: her skin was pale, barely any blood left in her veins. Her eyelids became even blacker and there was blood everywhere around on he white floor of maternity ward. She opened her eyes when he gripped her trembling hand. She inhaled deeply before talking.
"Hey" it was a mere whisper "how...is she?" Sakura managed to ask.
"She's...fine" Sasuke gulped, his fingers unwillingly feeling her weak pulse "you..."
"I bled into my abdomen" Sakura smiled soflty, her bluish lips trembling "I know the prognosis"
Sasuke remained silent. This was about the only thing that made him shut up. Sakura looked up at him from under the heavy lids and Sasuke could see her green orbs, calm, tired, but still with that fiery life spark in them he loved so much.
"I'm sorry" she whispered "I thought I'd...pull through. I'm sorry I'm leaving you alone again"
"Don't say it!" Sasuke tried coping. He failed immediately.
"It's ok. I'm fine. It's you...I'm worried about. I'll leave you alone. To raise her. To live alone. To cope alone. But...you're strong. You'll pull through. Right?" her voice was growing weaker by a word. Sasuke listened to her closely, as if savoring the last notes of her Barbara Streisand voice, knowing it's the last day she'll speak to him to lovingly.
"She's...your blessing now" Sakura whispered "I'm sorry I'm leaving...you both...I...wanted to be with you both, but..."
"Stop talking" Sasuke said and was surprised how suddenly weak his own voice was.
"It's...ok" Sakura pushed out these words with the last strength that was also rapidly leaving her.
"It's not ok. Why is it ok with you? Why aren't you at least angry?!" Sasuke wanted her to reflect his own feeling he wanted to feel, but only pain in his chest answered to a call for a sensation.
"It's not...the last...of the feeling...I wanted...to experience" Sakura breathed out. Her green orbs suddenly lost their spark and the intense green was loosing its edge. Sasuke gripped her hand tighter, putting it to his lips. It was getting colder as he held it.
"I love you" she whispered with a single breath.
"I love you too" Sasuke leaned down and pressed his lips onto her cold and bluish ones. He felt her kissing back with all the strength she had left and then...she relaxed under him.
Voices around him merged together and formed a mass of nothingness as he stood there and held her immobile, lifeless hand, only a high-pitched shriek of a life-monitoring equipment reaching into his conscience, beaming the horrible reality.
Strong hands grabbed his shoulders and pushed him out of the ward, lifeless hand slipping out of his grip. Naruto led him out into the corridor and tried to talking to Sasuke, but he couldn't say a word. His world had shattered. Might as well learn to talk once again.
-x-
Sasuke put his hand on Megumi's, feeling how really tiny it was. Tears, one by one, fell down from his eyes and were engulfed by darkness of the room.
-x-
Sasuke couldn't remember whether he was a cry-baby while little, but he clearly remembered he hadn't cried when his parents died...or were buried...or when his brother left him for good...or when Sakura left him almost two years ago...or when she died in his eyes.
But after the funeral, when everyone left him standing alone in front of a flower-covered grave, he couldn't hold it anymore. He collapsed to his knees and let his tears flow as if a dam broke down. He cried like a child, not knowing where his mother was or where he was supposed to go. And since that day, he found it extremely easy to bring himself to tears, especially when his little girl looked at him with those eyes that once closed in front of him forever.
That day in front of Sakura's grave, he could clearly feel how much he loved her. How much he needed her. And how much he should have said to her.
-x-
Sasuke couldn't bring himself to leave Megumi's side. He stayed there, holding her hand gently and inhaling faint fragrance of flowers, eyes of green flashing with every eye blink. Eyes about which the only owner left knew from pictures and Sasuke's stories he had been telling Megumi. He didn't know how much of them sank into her conscience, but he hoped that his girl will never forget her mother. And how much Megumi resembled her.
Sakura left him, but didn't really go anywhere. Cause she was actually lying here, smiling to a pleasant sight of a dream. Sasuke leaned down and kissed her forehead. A soft murmur, as if a response to his action, caressed Sasuke's ears:
"Don't worry, daddy. Mommy loves you very much"
"And daddy loves you both very much" he whispered back.
His blessing...his Megumi...his whole world.
His lonely world sucked, but she helped to deal with it without even knowing it.
His Megumi...his Sakura...his greatest blessing...