Viewer Discretion Advised: Sai = coarse language.
-OOO-
Sakura's jaw-cracked as she yawned. It was the sort of bone-deep tiredness that came with doing absolutely nothing except authorising drug requisition forms and computer work. In fact, she would sell her soul for a bed, a plateful of anko dumplings and a bottle of umeshu. Unfortunately, none of said items chose to spontaneously appear. Sakura's nerves being what they were, she had to consciously restrain the reflex urge to deck the body flicker blur of an ANBU dropping from her office air duct.
"Haruno-san!"
"Yes err …" She blearily eyed his mask. "Badger-san?"
"Code White."
She groaned and slumped headfirst onto her desk. "Damn it shishou … Why?"
"Raccoon, Boar and Hawk are en route."
Sakura resignedly flushed her system with chakra, temporarily dispelling some of her aches (though it did nothing for the tension headache rapidly developing behind her right eyeball).
"Where did shishou head this time?"
If someone in full ANBU gear and mask could somehow give off the impression of 'sheepishness', this guy pulled it off perfectly.
"We found a scrunched coupon under her desk. The Hot Water Daimyo recently set a price restriction on sake. It's about half the price of Konohan premium."
She rolled her eyes. "That'd do it. Alright, let me know if the situation develops a Code Black and I'll sic Naruto on her."
She flicked a limp hand in dismissal, returning her attention to the monstrously thick 'To Do' pile teetering on the edge of her desk. Sakura grasped the top sheet and managed two lines of size 9 Times New Roman before a delicate cough interrupted her determined perusal.
"Haruno-san, we also have a situation down in holding."
Sakura frowned. "I don't have clearance to—"
"It's a medical. Tsunade-sama left instructions. You have temporary proxy authority."
"But Shizune-senpai—"
"A-rank."
"Right." She sighed. "Okay, what's up?"
The ANBU shifted slightly. "You might want to see for yourself."
-OOO-
She should've known.
"Sai, what are you doing?"
Her teammate turned from the two-way mirror, notebook in hand, fake smile firmly in place.
"Hello Sakura-chan," he said, speaking slightly louder than social convention normally dictated. (Though it might have had something to do with the muffled shouting in the next room.)
"I am taking notes."
Sakura grimaced and immediately decided she didn't want to know. She quickly opened the med kit lugged all the way from the hospital, slapped on a pair of gloves and moved to open the reinforced door labelled 'Holding Cell B13'.
"—WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT YA BLOODY TREE-HUGGERS! I'M AS HAPPY AS A CLAM RIGHT HERE. HAHAHAA! WHOOPS. I GOT YOU GOOD CAT-CHAN! YOU CALL THAT A KNIFE? THIS IS A KNIFE! HEY! NO! NOOOOOOOO! YOU-YOU THINK THAT'S ALL I GOT? THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE ICE-BERG—"
Sakura hastily slammed the door shut.
"What the—"
"Detainee 254786, is formerly of Mist," Sai noted. "Detainee 254786 also has an impressive grasp of idiomatic expressions."
"… idiomatic expressions?" she deadpanned.
"Yes." Her teammate pulled out a pocketbook labelled 'In the Know: Idiom Essentials IV'. "It says that idioms are essential to the preservation of social cohesion and interpersonal—"
Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose, wincing as her headache throbbed. "Sai, what are you doing here? I'm not even meant to be here!"
Sai's eyes creased into half-moons. "I have identified his mission parameters. The use of the idiom 'don't throw the baby out with the bath water' may be indicative of a Mist drop point in sector 19J."
Admittedly she wasn't at her best, but to have Sai point out something so simple … she groaned. "Codes … of course they are. I'm guessing you've already called Crypto in on this?"
"Yes," Sai nodded. "But Shiho-chan is too busy wanking off to Pineapple-head so she told me to—" he looked down at his notebook, fake smile still firmly in place and quoted word for word, "—to 'take notes but leave the interrogation to T & I, no one wants you giving them any ideas, Anko-san is bat-shit enough as it is'.
Sakura blinked rapidly, taking a few moments to parse the words out. 'Shiho' she quickly identified as one of the happier cryptanalysts she'd met (that job seemed to suck the soul out of people) and she could think of only one person who could be 'Pineapple-head'. Frankly, Shikamaru should count his lucky senbon he'd gotten off so lightly with his nickname. She frowned. But who knew he had the guts to get it on with a subordinate and a blonde? Honestly, she'd thought he'd been turned off all of them, growing up with Ino-pig as he had. Inner fist-pumped. Finally! Some intel she could dangle in front of Ino-pig, she loved juicy stuff like this … maybe she'd make her buy her those cute kunoichi heels they'd both been drooling over …
She grinned. "Well … good job."
Sakura slowly relaxed as Sai's smile levelled out to something slightly below 'psychotic'.
The pale teen cocked his head.
"I have a friend in ANBU who has obsessive love for you too. He is very ugly and has a small dick but he once eliminated a target with a finger nail and a Hello Kitty plushie."
Sakura froze.
"He says he likes your Hello Kitty pyjamas best."
This was why Sakura generally tried to avoid prolonged interactions with Sai out of their established norms. Whether he was continually compelled by some omniscient force to pepper them with inappropriate remarks (usually at her expense) or whether he was genuinely psychologically incapable of not being an utter shit didn't matter because it never failed to test her creep-out factor and that was an honest-to-kami achievement since her day to day job involved any number of weird body fluids.
Sakura dithered.
Shishou would have her head knowing she'd let something as minor as one of Sai's comments put her off doing her job. Then again recent intelligence (and common sense) was telling her Tsunade wouldn't be compos mentis for a while what with all the liquor festivals for the next month. Heck, she was probably already unconscious and drooling on the floor of some seedy backwoods casino! Surely the Mist nin could wait just a little longer for his check-up? Those Mist chaps were a tough lot after all.
A series of muffled thumps, hisses and agonised screaming abruptly broke through her frenzied deliberations. She nodded.
"Okay, well, it was great to see you Sai, but I've got a heap of paperwork back at the hospital with my name on it, so I'll see ya at training. Bye!"
Sakura was so flustered she hadn't even realised she'd body-flickered without her usual hand seals.
A time would come (hopefully in the next 72 hours) between the drug requisition forms, the Code White which would undoubtedly develop into a Code Black, and any number of medical emergencies the village of Konoha would throw at her, that she'd be able to take a break, put her feet up, eat some dumplings, chug some umeshu and then ponder the fact the she'd somehow completely failed to sense the presence of an el creepo ANBU stalker. And that didn't even take into account who it was or what she was going to do about it!
Going by the near hysterical screeching of Inner and the ominous cracking of her knuckles as Sakura hefted her near 30 cm thick pile of paperwork (all of it being in Times New Roman size 9 font) … it was going to be violent in a very not-pretty kind of way.
-OOO-
Omake:
"What the fuck Sai? Way to make me sound like a pervert! How am I gonna ask her out now?"
"Maybe you should leave some porn on her doorstep."
" … "
" … and why the fuck would I do that?"
"Rule No. 11 of 'Dating for Dummies' says to 'keep the magic alive' with 'spontaneity'. And Rule No. 4 says 'you can never go wrong with a gift for your honey-bunny'."
" … and so you take that to mean that it's perfectly acceptable for someone to leave porn in front of someone's house? I dunno Sai … I've done some strange stuff in my time—"
"Like with the Hello Kitty plushie."
"Yeah, but I don't want her to think I'm some sort of deviant."
"Rule No. 13 says bonding over 'rom-coms' is an effective tactic for 'setting the mood'."
"But porn isn't—"
"Rule No. 1 says 'love is a battle and it takes no prisoners'."
" … you've got issues man."
.
.
.
"And FYI, you know shit-all about my dick."
-OOO-
A/N: Don't get me wrong, Sai is up there in my top 5 favourite Naruto characters, but damn, that kid leaves a trail of destruction and social debris everywhere he goes! At least he's so bad he owns it; my cringe-worthy social embarrassments tend to become obvious to me a couple of days later only after my friends have finished laughing at me XD