"My own mother…thought I was a monster…"
She was right, of course, but it still hurt.
I giggled when the ball flew higher, higher, higher, flames flickering extravagant shadows across the marble floor. "Catch, Zuzu, catch!" I shouted, throwing the fireball back to him. He started to chuckle.
"Be careful, Azula! Do you think you can catch this one?" he asked me, tossing it gently. He must have seen my expression because he asked me after I caught it, "What's wrong?"
"I'm just as tough as you are!" I pouted, then I shouted at him "Don't treat me like I'm a child! I'm an adult!" The ball of fire reacted to my frustration, getting bigger & hotter as I fed into it. He only laughed again & stuck out his tongue.
"I'm sorry, Azula. You're right. 6 years old is an adult. I'm still older than you though!" He kept teasing me, sticking out his tongue as he did so.
"Only by a year! Plus I'm a lot stronger than you so there!" I stuck my tongue out back & he kept laughing at me, both him & I oblivious to how large my ball of fire was growing. 'How dare he make fun of me? I'll show him.' "I'll prove it!"
I launched the ball of flames as hard as I could at him. Zuko, eyes wide, ducked as it singed his hair, crashed into a vase, then whipped through the window into the cold, cold rain, where it dissipated into steam. He then turned his attention back to me as I realized what I just did, my expression mirroring his, our mouths agape. "Azula…!"
"I- I didn't mean to- it's- it's all your fault! You should have caught it!" Familiar footsteps pounded closer & closer as I looked for a place to hide. There were none- we were in a hallway, where we wouldn't disturb anyone & had more space to throw.
"What are we gonna do?!"
Father strolled in. He was in his dark black robes, gold embroidered sleeves fluttering, a perfect symbolism of the Fire Nation itself as he marched towards the both of us, amber eyes ablaze, fists clenched so hard the knuckles were a pale white. Without thinking, without any sort of hesitation, I yelped out, "Zuzu did it!"
"I- I-" Zuko tried to sputter as flames started bursting out of Father's hands.
Wordlessly, Father grabbed Zuko. I knew he would believe me- I'm the favorite child. Still, I wished I wouldn't have done that as I watched smoke start to float off of Zuko's wrists, Father's grip tight as iron as Zuko cried out in pain, "Dad! Dad! Please, no, it wasn't me!" while trying to yank himself out of Father's grasp.
I ran away to my room before he could grab me, too.
A few hours later, my mom walked into my room while I was on my bed, playing with Zuko's straw soldier dolls. "Azula," I glanced up to meet her gaze & felt my stomach drop as I saw the disappointment in her steady gaze. "Azula, Zuko told me what happened today."
I looked back to my soldiers, staring at them in my hands. They were Earth Kingdom, brought to me by my Uncle Iroh. 'The Earth Kingdom is soon to be no more,' Father's voice echoed in my ear. 'They will all become a part of the Fire Nation or burn.' Why they had to burn, I didn't understand, but I knew better than to ask questions. 'Like one big, happy family,' I told him, & he smiled, a rare sight, & kissed my forehead. 'That's my smart girl. One of the many, many reasons you were born lucky.'
'But Father, why do they have to die for it? That's not fair.' Zuko protested in confusion. I am younger than him, but even I saw that it was a mistake for him to question Father. 'Zuko, you were lucky to be born,' he hissed, & Zuko's eyes dropped as Father turned his attention back to me.
My response echoed in my ear as I replied, "I don't know what you're talking about, Mother. Zuzu broke that vase by himself."
One.
"Azula!" Mother scorned me, & I still refused to meet her gaze.
Big.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her take a deep breath, then her voice was a lot more placid as she responded, "Azula, if you don't know what I'm talking about, then how did you know a vase was broken?" I didn't answer.
Happy.
"Answer me, Azula, my patience is wearing very thin."
Family.
I lost my patience again.
"You're the reason we're not a big, happy family!" I screeched at her, fire erupting from my hands & lighting the dolls ablaze. I threw them at her & she ducked, covering her head as they landed with a thud on the floor. I watched Mother run over to stamp out the blaze as it brightened up the room, lighting my rug & starting to scorch my bookcase. The conversation with my best friends ran through my head again.
"I heard Zuko's not your real brother." Mai told me nonchalantly while we were playing her favorite game, throw the sharp pencil at the apple. I was scared & confused, but I knew I had to keep a tough face. "What do you mean?"
"I heard some of my parent's servants talking about it. Your mom had a boyfriend before your dad, & that's Zuko's dad." Mai replied.
"That's horrible, Mai! Why would you ever say something like that?" Ty Lee replied, frowning.
"She deserves to know, Ty Lee." I started laughing. I started laughing until tears were rolling down my eyes, feeling frantic inside. Mai & Ty Lee stared at me until I said, "That explains why he's so ugly!" They started laughing too, looking at each other with confusion in their eyes.
"Azula, you're so funny." They giggled.
"Do you want to see a cartwheel?" Ty Lee asked me.
"I know, Mother! I know! I know about Zuko!" Her eyes widened as she rushed over to me, placing her hand over my mouth & shushing me. "No!" I bit her hand & kept screeching. I wanted everyone to know. I wanted Zuko to know, I wanted Father to know, I wanted everyone to know what I knew, what I didn't want to know but knew, so they would have to suffer with me. "Father's not his real-!"
That was when she slapped me. Hard. "You shut your mouth!" She yelled. I sat there & stared at her, clutching my cheek as I felt it heat up, my pride stinging almost as much as my face. She then got very, very close to me, growling in a very threatening, low tone, "You are exactly like your father- a cruel & selfish monster. I hope you're happy with yourself."
"Get out of here!" I screamed in her face, pushing her away. She straightened herself up, fixed her hair, then stormed out of my room. I got up & slammed the door behind her, ignoring the quiet sobs I heard from behind.
I remember it all very clearly the night Father asked Grandfather for the throne.
I was 9 years old. Zuko & I were messing around by the throne room, waiting to talk to Father & Grandfather about the day's firebending lessons & practicing. I then heard a voice that sounded like Grandfather's, as well as Father's quiet but audible reply. "Zuko, listen! Let's figure out what they're talking about!" He looked like he was about to object but I then threatened, "I'm going to tell Dad you did it anyway if you don't come with me." So, we snuck behind some pillars to eavesdrop.
"Father, I'm glad you agreed to see me today. I had something I wanted to talk to you about." Father said to Grandfather, bowing his head with respect.
"My dear son. Come here." Azulon replied. They embraced, though rather coldly, as if distant relative to distant relative as opposed to father & son.
"Father, I am sure you heard about Iroh's betrayal to the Fire Nation," Father began. Grandfather's eyes went hard & he stayed silent, listening to Father continue: "I understand that Iroh is my senior, & he is a well-respected general in our armies. However, his failure at the Great Siege of Ba Sing Se was a dishonor upon him, our family, & our entire Nation. Yes, he was grieving, but if it were me there, if I were in charge-"
"What are you getting at, Ozai?"
"I want you to make me crown prince of the Fire Nation, of our people, Father. I would restore the honor that my brother lost tenfold, & make sure we succeed where he failed."
Grandfather was silent for a while, the flames climbing ever higher and higher, before he roared, "You insolent boy! You dare suggest I betray your own brother his birthright?!"
"Father, I would-!"
"Enough!" he bellowed. "Ozai, you seem to have no comprehension of what true grief feels like! For your insolence, you will know what it's like to lose a firstborn son!"
At this point, Zuko's face went a sheer white & he ran off without detection, while a morbid curiosity forced me to stay behind, still listening. "You will kill your firstborn son, & know what it's like to lose a child! This will be the punishment for your insolence, & I will hear no more of it."
"Father-!"
"You are dismissed! Out of my throne room! NOW!"
I crouched behind the pillars as Father strolled quickly out, glad I wasn't the firstborn son & wondering what would happen to my brother.
Later that night, I was asleep in my room when I felt something on my cheeks. Terrified that Grandfather knew that Zuko wasn't actually Father's child & he meant me, I sprung awake, then heard a familiar shushing as someone put their finger to my lips. It was Mother.
"Mother!" I gasped, then quietly asked, "What's going on?"
"Azula…I love you. You know that, right?"
I stared at her, dumbfounded, then wiped my eyes in an effort to wake up. "Why are you asking me this now?"
"I just wanted you to know that. I do love you, Azula. You & your beautiful hair." She hugged me close in the moonlight & I hesitantly hugged her back. "I'm sorry if you think I don't sometimes." I didn't know what to say as my heart felt conflicted, remembering her previous words. So, I stayed silent as she held me for a bit longer, then whispered, "I need you to do one thing for me."
"What?"
"Keep your father happy." I gently broke the embrace, looking up at her, confused & angry. He was mean, hateful, spiteful. She said so herself. Why would I keep him happy? "You are the apple of his eye. You are the prodigy he never-" she broke eye contact shortly, voice breaking, "never had. You will be protecting your big brother, yourself, & you will be protecting me, too, okay?" Mother pulled me into a tight hug again. "I love you, Azula. I do. Now go back to sleep."
I fought the feeling that something was wrong as I struggled to fall back asleep, tossing & turning.
The next day, Mother was gone & Grandfather had passed away calmly in his sleep.
Father was determined in Grandfather's will to be the next Fire Lord.
I was 12 when my brother was banished from the Fire Nation.
It was his own stupid fault. He knew talking out of turn would get him in trouble in a war meeting, & he deserved that burn he got on his stupid face. Uncle Iroh, the traitor, went with him in his search for the Avatar, the one not seen in 100 years, the dead one. He couldn't come back until he found the Avatar, effectively proving his worth & restoring the honor he lost by challenging that stupid general. He should have just fought Father in the Agni Kai. Even if he would have lost, he wouldn't have been banished.
But he's better off gone. I can better play Father's favorite that way.
Evidence of the Avatar has been found, according to reports. The fire sages saw the glowing murals & Zuko wrote home excitedly to Father, promises abound. Father only got angry & burned it.
It's only getting harder to be seen as the protégé child, being the only one at home. Stress abounds as I try to keep up with expectations. I can see what my mother was seeing in me all of those years ago with the more time I spend around him, trying to be his favorite. More & more, I'm becoming like him, even crueler than I was. After all, he tells me, I'm a Fire Nation Princess, destined to lead the Nation into greatness. I can't be softhearted. And I hate myself more & more every day, wondering if my mother really felt the same way about me.
Zuko won't be welcomed here, I know. Even if he manages to capture the Avatar, Father told me I will be the one to take credit for it. He told me that it would show dishonor on me if the dishonorable brother of mine returned with the Avatar & not me. Admiral Zhao is also attempting to find him to win over my father's affections so he has a place in the Fire World. We in the royal family have orders to challenge him to an Agni Kai on sight. Moreover, I have to keep protecting both him & mom.
Even if I would get to take credit, I have to find the Avatar before Zuko does & keep him away from this shitshow of a family.