Title: Sleep Stalking

Author: SweetlyDesolated

Beta: AirKnitter

Warnings: Language

Summary: Isabella Swan, an average, clumsy, human girl, is stalked by Edward Cullen, an extraordinary, coordinated, vampire boy. Bella files for a restraining order, as he gets too creepy for even her.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight (yay!) or any of the recognizable characters. I own my lawyer, Ali Tatius, and the mentioned jury and judge.

"Why the hell were you watching me as I sleep?" Bella asked him, nerves and a certain 'Oh wow, he's creepy' factor edging her voice and tone towards concerned for her own physical and mental well-being.

Edward smiled, as if that made everything better. "Did you know you talk while asleep?" he returned, avoiding her question.

"Yes, of course I know that. I also breathe while sleeping. So, why were you stalking me last night?"

The vampire – what else could he be? – grinned. "Just because," was his response, and Bella huffed angrily before stalking away. "Wait, Bella!" he called, catching up with her easily.

"What more could you possibly want?" she demanded, turning on her heel to face him, staring up into honey-colored eyes, fury burning in her own.

Edward broke the eye contact in a mimic of musing. "I want to get to know you," he responded cheerfully.

Bella gagged. "I think I'm going to press charges." Edging around the non-human, Bella hurried towards the big, ugly clunker of a truck, wondering why on Earth she still drove it around. She then realized there would be nothing else to drive without going into the city, and figured it was better than nothing. The woman ignored the amused calls from Cullen, intent on reaching the police station. Surely Charlie had a lawyer's phone number somewhere, right?

~.~

Ali Tatius smirked as he read through the court case, and nodded to his client. With all the gathered facts, and a few mixed confessions, there was no way Isabella Swan would exit the court without a restraining order. The man hummed as he flipped through documents, lining them in the order he wanted to present them to the judge.

He stood with the rest of the court as the judge entered, and happily Ali called his first witness to the podium – Charlie Swan, Bella's father. "When did you come to the decision to call a restraining order against one Edward Mason Cullen?" he questioned the elder man once he had been sworn in.

Charlie cleared his throat. "Bella told me at dinner one night that she felt she was being watched from outside while she slept. After approving, she let me install a video camera in her room, facing her bedroom window. It was evident that she was being watched, for that one boy, Edward Cullen, would climb up and sit on her window sill for hours each night, just watching her sleep. I have no idea when that boy sleeps, but I want him away from my house."

There were a few murmurs from the jury as Ali used the overhead machine to display still pictures of Edward perching on Bella's window. Check, one strike against the boy.

The next witness was one Angela Webber, picked to determine whether or not Edward was following Bella outside of Forks. Indeed, the girl recounted a trip into the city, where Bella disappeared, soon driven back by Edward. Angela remarked how odd it was, especially considering no one really talked to Cullen, as he was anti-social.

Strike two, successful.

The third complaint was from Bella herself, mentioning that, as she and Edward were not dating, and were not friends, it was inappropriate for him to pick her up each morning. She claimed he randomly started showing up at her house, and clearly expected her to ride in his car. With no explanation as to why, that created strike three.

The jury consulted for less than an hour, eventually returning with the conditions: Edward Cullen was unable to step foot on the property of one Charlie Swan; he was unable to come within ten feet of Isabella Swan while in a classroom – otherwise it was twenty yards.

The room was curious as to why exactly Edward Cullen stalked Bella, and called him up to the stand; his testimony wouldn't qualify to free him from the restraining order, for stalking was stalking, but the public had a desire to know.

In response as to why he watched her sleep, Edward cheerfully told the room, "I can't read Bella like I can read everyone else; her sleep, to me, was obviously the only way to understand her."

Isabella grimaced in distaste and folded her arms over her scant chest, gazing over the vampire's shoulder as he continued to babble on.

"See, I know you are thinking I'm weird," he mentioned to the questioner, and, while pointing at the judge, replied, "and she thinks I need to be locked away. But that's okay, because you're not my purpose. I want to know Bella, not you."

Ali raised one eyebrow and asked for Edward's defense as to why he followed her into the city. "Well, I followed her around town and finally came into Bella's sight soon enough to stop her getting mauled by four men. They were drunk, and did not have very happy ideas on what to do with her."

"Oh, and the fact that I can defend myself didn't appeal to you?" Bella contradicted; her lawyer smirked over his client's head at Edward.

Edward's eyes widened. "Of course not! You're clumsy and can barely walk, let alone defend yourself against four fully grown men!"

She huffed and mumbled, "Testosterone has obviously addled his few brains."

Tatius chuckled briefly and replied, "Feminist."

"And proud," Bella retorted. She paid attention to the questioner, who had asked why Miss Swan would be unable to defend herself. Edward had no real answer, only that it was four slightly drunk men against one defenseless girl. "I studied self-defense targeted on the nervous system; I can knock a person out in a few seconds with only pressing nerves on the bend of the elbow," she hissed to her lawyer.

The man turned to smile at Bella before his eyes turned to the crazy boy once more. "And once again," the questioner started, "what were you doing at Miss Swan's home unannounced, clearly intending on driving her to classes?"

Edward grinned, intent on dazzling the people around him. "I wanted to get to know her! We aren't allowed to talk in classes, so I decided to drive us to school instead."

The jury mumbled before one man stalked over to the judge, crooking a finger to get her to bend down. A frown crossed Edward's face as he heard the jury's suggestion, and he started to get up from his seat.

"Remain seated," the judge ordered, a cross expression flying over her face. "And in addition to the before mentioned restraining order, the jury has recommended that Edward Mason Cullen be evaluated by a certified psychiatrist, in regards to obsession over people, and thoughts that he can do no wrong. Court dismissed," she finished, pounding her gavel onto its platform.

Bella stood and spun in a happy circle, laughing brightly. She contentedly ignored the disappointed looks Edward graced her with as he was led from the room, positioned between two burly police men.

"Thanks, Ali!" Bella crowed, darting forward to give the man a brief hug of gratitude.

"You're welcome, Isabella," he replied, lightly returning the affection. "Now, I'll file the paperwork and everything will be done," Ali finished, packing his briefcase and smiling down at the woman.

She nodded, responding with, "Of course."

~.~

Classes the next week were awkward, with most of the girls glaring at Bella for taking away their eye candy. The boys' eyes held gratitude, as now they could focus on the girls without distraction. And finally, Mike and Eric, the two who had taken a liking to Bella, finally backed off, afraid they would be laid with a restraining order, too.

The Cullen family packed up and moved away from Forks, taking Edward with them. He was eventually put out of his misery, and his ashes were scattered in a long-forgotten cave hidden in Alaska's mountains.

Isabella and her father lived happily ever after, Charlie content in Forks, while Bella found romance in the werewolf reservation of La Push, though her husband was a human relative of the shape shifters. All was good, as Bella raised a son, and smiled brightly whenever she glanced over at the framed restraining order. She died in a boating accident twelve years after her son's marriage, leaving her husband of forty years alone with his quirky son, shape-shifting wife, and odd granddaughter. All was good.

The self-defense comes from the childhood show Zoey 101, and Quinn and her oddities. I thought it was fitting to put into this parody.

Thanks to AirKnitter for Beta'ing for me!

Please review.

~Deso