Well, really, you should have seen this coming.
I bounded into the front room and called,
"Dom'nic!" as I slumped into the sofa seat and flicked on the telly. "Dom, where are you?
"Just coming, Matt," a weary voice replied and I heard footsteps on the stairs. I flicked through the channels, finding the documentary that was about to start. I'd managed to orientate our day around this show so that we could both watch it together whilst still getting enough done in the day. We'd been in and out all morning, so I was looking forward to putting my feet up and snuggling with my boyfriend.
He appeared in the doorway and watched me for a minute. I patted the seat next to me and smiled at him, beckoning him with one finger. I heard the heavy breath leave his body as he sat down next to me, rolling his head back and leaning into the seat. I wiggled about, trying to get into the right position, but every time I changed places, my feet always felt like they were being forced to bend. I frowned, squirming in my seat until Dom turned to me and said forcefully,
"Matt, will you just stop moving around?" I froze where I was and tried to focus on the programme, but my feet continued to ache. I tried to move my leg around surreptitiously but accidentally kicked Dom instead. He scowled at me.
"Sorry, Dom," I whispered, wondering who'd got on his bad side in the hour that we'd been apart. Once I was finally comfortable, I rested my head on his shoulder, expecting him to sling an arm around me. He didn't.
I kept quiet for the first half of the programme but wasn't paying attention as I should've been. It was supposed to be a soothing evening, but Dom's tense body showed no signs of relaxing. I peered past the set profile of his face out of the window, watching the clouds drift past as the sky darkened. A light rain began to fall, drops of water racing to the bottom of the window pane and I saw the light of the television reflected in them.
"Dom?" I asked when the advert break arrived. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Matt," he told me tersely. I bit my lip.
"You want to tell me what's up? I'm here for you, you know."
"Nothing's 'up', Matt." I buried my face in his shoulder, forcing myself not to giggle at such an inappropriate time.
"You're obviously not yourself, Dom. We've known each other for years; I think I know when you're not in a good mood."
"Well, if you can tell I'm in a bad mood, why don't you just leave it? If you were sensible, you wouldn't push it, you'd just let me work it out by myself. But, oh no, Matthew Bellamy always has to have the last word." I lifted my head off his shoulder, watching the creases in his forehead as he spoke. The rain outside sped up, splashing against the window quickly. I couldn't see past the endless streams of water anymore, but I could see the blinking of the streetlamps outside shining through the droplets. "-are you even listening to me?" I blinked.
"Yes, Dom. I'm listening to you," I lied. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"No, you're not. You're watching outside the window, just like you always do. You never listen. It's all just talk, talk, talk, you never stop. I can't get a word in edgeways with you around. It's almost as if you don't care." My eyes widened slightly as he confessed this to me.
"Of course I care, Dom! You know that I care, I've always cared. I just...have a lot to say."
"Well, maybe I want to say something sometimes."
"Right. Okay." I nodded and he turned back to the TV, seemingly satisfied. "Well, are you going to say something?" He gave an exasperated sigh.
"I didn't say I had something to say right this minute, I just meant that you shouldn't take all the talking time for yourself all the time. It's not just me; you need to let everyone speak every once in a while."
Oh. I pressed my lips together, finally seeing where he was coming from.
"Right, okay, I get it. I'm annoying you because I talk all the time, you wish I didn't speak so much rubbish, I understand," I muttered bitterly. "I thought you liked hearing about my interests."
"I do, Matt, really. But I just...I just wish that-"
"No, no, you don't need to say it. I talk all the time, I won't listen to you, I'm not being a good enough boyfriend, I'm being insensitive to your emotions blah blah blah."
"You're doing it again, Matt, you need to let me fi-"
"Dom, I already said that I know where you're coming from! You don't need to repeat yourself to me, I'm not a little kid, you know."
"Well sometimes you certainly act like one!" he cried. "You need to learn to shut up, Matthew. Even now, when I'm trying to tell you about this problem, you still won't listen to me, you just keep cutting me off like you know it all. But, you know what? You don't know everything! When I entered this relationship, we both promised that we would treat each other fairly, look after each other and listen to each other, but you're not doing that."
I fell silent, my face falling as I heard what he was saying. I'm not a good enough boyfriend.
"All you ever talk about is some TV programme you're watching or some book you're reading or a theory that you liked. You don't ask about me like you used to, you don't discuss things we both know about, you just talk about yourself. It's almost as if you're preaching to me sometimes, as if you want to show off all this knowledge. And I know you're not like that, so I wish you'd stop acting like it." His voice had taken on that quiet tone that I hated, reasonable Dominic rearing his angelic blonde head again as he tried to change me, again.
"Dom, this is who I am! I can't help it!"
"You can. You weren't always like this. You used to talk all the time, yeah, but it was more of a conversation. Now I just feel like you forget that I'm there. I could be anyone else, Chris, Tom, a fan, an interviewer, anyone. I'm not supposed to be just anyone, Matthew."
And here comes the 'Matthew's...
"So you want more attention?"
"No! I just want...some peace and quiet, maybe."
"...you want me to go away?" I inquired softly.
"No! Definitely not! Matthew, I love you, I really do, but-"
"No, it's okay, Dom, I can go away if you want some me-time."
"Matt, I don't want you to-"
"Because sometimes I feel like I need time alone too, it's all alright. I'm sure everyone does."
"MATTHEW!" he yelled. "You're doing it again!" He flew out of his seat beside me and looked down at me with sharp grey eyes. All of a sudden, I felt a lot shorter than 5'7. "I can't take this! I really can't! I'm trying to explain things to you, I'm trying to work out this problem, but it feels like you don't even want me to!" He threw his hands in the air and left the room. I sat in silence, assuming that he'd gone to the kitchen to get a drink or have a breather. However, when I heard keys in the door, I shot up.
"Dom? Where are you going?" I asked, rubbing my palms on my trousers as I took in his person. He had an umbrella hanging from his wrist and was wearing a baggy hoodie that had been resting on the banister.
"Out," was all he offered me, and then he opened the door. Cold winds blew in and swirled around our ankles and I shivered in my T-shirt, goosebumps rising on my arms.
"Dom, please don't leave." He ignored me and stepped out of the door into the rain, putting up his umbrella. I reached out for the door, grabbing it tightly so that he couldn't close it. "Dom, don't leave me, please."
"Matthew, get your hands off the door before you break your fingers." I shook my head at him, my bottom lip quivering as I watched his stormy face glare at me. He prised my fingers off the door and slammed it shut, leaving me inside, alone. I slumped down the door and brought my knees to my chest, rocking on the spot.
Why did he leave? We had arguments all the time and it never came to this. I didn't understand what I'd said that could make him so angry. I buried my face in my hands, running my fingers through my hair as I thought through our conversation. I'd been telling him the truth the whole time. That's what he wanted the last time we argued. He was annoyed that I'd lied to him about where I'd gone and told me to be honest. So why didn't he want it now?
Scowling, I picked myself off the floor and went to make myself a drink. I hadn't done anything wrong. If Dom wanted to be silly and go out in the rain then that was his decision. We would figure this out when he came back and then we'd both realise that it was just another crazy fight. Just like the week before, and the week before that, and the week before that...
But as I sat, drinking my tea, I realised that I was always the cause of the arguments. Matthew, you need to clean up after yourself. Matthew, you're never home anymore. Matthew, why won't you cuddle me after sex? Matthew, Chris said he saw you chatting to some guy at the bar, what's that all about?
I never meant to hurt him. I didn't do these things on purpose; in fact, in most cases I was innocent. Somehow, Dom had been deluded into thinking I was this perfect man and suddenly he had realised that perhaps I'm not. Because I'm lazy, I'm messy, I'm sporadic, self-obsessed and absolutely insane It just took him several years to find this, by which point, he couldn't cope with it.
You're not good enough for him. Dom deserved more. He deserved a man who wasn't caught up in his own world, who would look after him and always have time for him without needing to be asked. Why couldn't I be that person for him?
I did talk too much. I was always talking, maybe about this book that I'd adored, this news story that had been worrying me, this new song I'd been trying to develop. But I never recalled not listening to him, not paying attention to him. Sure, sometimes I drifted off into my own world, but I always made sure that I was there for him. I told him frequently that he could come to me and tell me anything that he wanted to, that this was an open relationship. Why did he feel like that wasn't the case?
I lay down sideways on the sofa, the warmth from where he had been sat fading away swiftly.
Dominic, I wish you would tell me these things.
I never meant to hurt him. But I did it all the time. Every time I so much as moved, I managed to do something annoying. One of my ridiculous habits that he was trying so hard to cure would suddenly revisit me and he'd fling himself onto our bed, wailing about how futile it all was. And all I could do in return was rub his back and assure him that I didn't think he was failure, that it was my own fault. It never seemed to work.
Dominic, I miss you.
Abandoning my tea and evening of relaxation, I crawled upstairs and into bed, fully clothed. I pressed my face into Dom's pillow, inhaling the scent of his shampoo, his aftershave, his skin. I closed my eyes, trying to remind myself of the good times. Bouncing around the bed after a good day at work, Dom's beaming smile flashing at me over the rim of a wine glass, walks in the park and out-of-control games of I-spy. I didn't need anything complicated to be pleased. I just needed Dom.
Dominic, I need you.
I never meant to hurt him. I felt hot tears leak out of the sides of my eyes as I realised how many mistakes I'd made. Even the way I'd dealt with our earlier feud had been stupid; I just couldn't control my big mouth, couldn't stop my own ridiculous thoughts from spewing out of my brain. What was the point in being rich, being famous, being good at playing music when I couldn't even look after my own boyfriend? I hadn't yet found the meaning to life, but when I was with him, it felt like we were coming close. He meant everything to me and I just fucked up every time. And every time, he would tell me that it was okay, that everybody makes mistakes and that he still loves me, despite all my flaws and imperfections. Not today.
Dominic, I love you.
I sat up, unable to sleep no matter how hard I tried. Catching a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror above our chest of drawers, I realised how ridiculous the whole scene looked. There I was, sat on our huge bed with ruffled hair, tomato red nose and streaks down my cheeks. Alone. Crying over my boyfriend. Crying over my own stupidity. I felt like a teenage girl.
I slid off the bed, suddenly seeing the light, realising what I needed to do. I raced down the stairs and flung open the front door, stepping outside into the torrential rain as I slammed it shut behind me. A flash of light streaked across the sky and thunder cracked above me, the rain pounding on my head and soaking me to the bone within seconds.
I sprinted down the street, regretting my lack of shoes as the streams on the road seeped into my socks.
"Dominic!" I yelled desperately, reaching the end of the road. My small, sodden form was highlighted by the headlights of cars zooming past and I could almost hear them laughing at me.
Where is he? Where's Dom?
I headed to the local pub and pushed the door open, peering inside the small room. No Dominic, but plenty of confused stares.
You have to find him, Matthew.
I racked my brains, wondering he could possibly have gone. Where would I go if I was running out of an argument? I searched the streets as I pondered, but to no avail.
What if he doesn't come home? What if he's leaving you forever?
Panicking, I began to run again, my feet splashing through puddles in the street as I dodged pedestrians. The rain was pelting against the walls of the buildings and my hair was pressed right against my skull, my shirt sticking to my back.
And suddenly the streets disappeared and the vast field was spread out in front of me. Thunder rolled above me as I scanned the field, searching for my saviour.
Please be here, please don't leave me.
And then I spotted a figure, far out in the middle of the field. I raced towards it, hoping it was Dom and not some stranger going for a badly timed walk. His umbrella was fighting against the wind and he walked at a steady pace, leaving me breathless as I tried to catch up.
"Dominic!" The figure stopped. "Dominic, please!" He turned towards me.
"Matthew, go home!" he shouted.
"Not without you!" I was getting closer now; underneath the umbrella, I could see that his hair was almost as immaculate as it had been when he'd left the house.
"Matthew, for goodness' sake, this is ridiculous!"
"Dominic, I'm sorry!" I couldn't run anymore and my breath fogged up in front of me as I continued to walk speedily. We were still shouting, despite the distance between us getting mercifully shorter and shorter. He shook his head at me. "Dominic, please! I'm sorry, I'm really sorry!"
"That's what you say every time." It suddenly hit me that perhaps he didn't want me following him, and I stopped moving towards him. There was still an awfully large gap between us. I swallowed nervously, letting the chills ripple through my skin. We stared each other down for a moment and then he turned away.
"D-Dom," I whispered, stumbling over my own words, "D-Dom, come back, Dom, Dominic!"
He continued to move further away from me, heading off into the distance.
"I need your love!" I cried, able to hear the pain in my own voice as I tried to stop my knees from buckling, the cold threatening to overwhelm me. He froze. "I need you, Dominic, I need you! I need you more than I can say, Dom, please."
And, as if it were some sort of miracle, he began to move towards me. I forced myself forward and suddenly found myself in his arms, knocking the breath out of both of us. I clung to him, twisting my numb fingers in his shirt.
"Dom, I'm s-so sorry, I was such an i-idot. I was horrible and I-I'm sorry, please forgive me, please," I begged. "I don't know what I'll do with myself if you d-don't." I felt the tears begin to flow again and was thankful that the rain was able to disguise my weakness. Dom's hand was stroking my hair softly.
"I could never leave you, Matt, I promise," he told me, tilting my face up to look in my eyes. "I love you too much." I nodded, my head jerking involuntarily as I scrunched my toes up. He held me tight to his chest. "You're freezing, Bells."
"Y-yep."
"Have you got shoes on?" I shook my head and he chuckled quietly, rubbing his hands down my arms to generate some warmth. I reached up to press our lips together, Dom abandoning his umbrella and embrace the downpour as we clung to each other. The wind rocked through us but we stayed together, refusing to break apart as my salty tears dripped onto his face.
"D-don't leave me again, D-Dom. I don't c-cope well...without you." I felt my voice break slightly and he rubbed my back.
"I told you: I promise I won't ever leave you again. I promise, I was being stupid and I'm sorry."
"N-No!" I protested. "I w-was in the wrong, it's n-not your f-f-fault." He smiled at me and I buried my face in his shoulder.
We stayed there for a few minutes and I let Dom hold me, willing to let him take care of me as much as he wanted to. This man that I would do anything for, this man I nearly lost. I wouldn't be able to take it.
"T-this is m-m-m-madness," I giggled, my body getting colder by the minute. Dom laughed with me, releasing me from his hold and grabbing my hand when I whimpered. He put his umbrella back up, shielding us from the sheets of rain still hammering down and we began to walk back home.
"Sorry," I murmured. "I love you."
"I know."