SUMMARY: Buffy POV musings about Spike. Set sometime between 'Smashed' and 'As You Were'.

RATING: PG-13 for some swearing and vague romance-novel-y descriptions of sex.

PAIRING: B/S – Yes, I've joined the cult.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Buffy and Spike and all their friends (sold separately) belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox Television, UPN, yadda, yadda, yadda… It wouldn't do any good to sue me anyway. I just graduated from college, so I have less than no money.

A/N: I just kinda had to write this, because James has such amazingly expressive eyes. And because I had waaaay too much time to kill on my commute.

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He has these eyes, these goddamn eyes that see past the surface, past all the walls I've spent so many years building and bore right down into my fucking soul. It's scary the way he does that. It makes me shiver every time because he sees me, really sees me, no matter how I try to hide. He doesn't pull any punches, doesn't let me get away with blatant lies or half-truths, tries to make me see who I truly am… just like he does. He scares me with his words so that I want to run away, but then he pins me down with those eyes and I can't even think of moving half the time.

If you asked a random person, they'd probably tell you those eyes are blue. And they'd be right… mostly. Usually they are blue, a rich sparkling lapis lazuli – hey, I did learn something about art from Mom – but they change so dramatically with his moods. When he's happy or excited, they get lighter and brighter, like those tropical skies they're always showing on nature shows. When he's sad or hurting inside those eyes get dark and grayish, like a stormy sea. When he feels mischievous, they turn greenish, almost teal. When he's frustrated or angry or jealous or… aroused… his eyes get very dark, almost black, and golden sparks flash in their depths. Such strong emotions make it hard for him to control the demon.

Sometimes he can't control it, and the game face comes out. The those intense blue eyes become fierce and yellow, like a big jungle cat's. When that happens I don't dare look away, partially out of fear now that he can hurt me, but mostly because I find those eyes so mysterious and intriguing. Part of me – the primal Slayer part – is drawn to this uncontrollable side of him, understands it in ways that words can never describe.

More and more since I came back, though, I find that another part of me – the young, scared Buffy part – is drawn to his quiet, gentle, patient, caring William side. Not Spike, the evil plotting nemesis, and not William the Bloody, slayer of Slayers. Just William, the shy, considerate, loving man who looks after my little sister and wants to make my life easier in any way I'll let him.

Granted, what I let him do hasn't been much. I refuse his money – who knows where it comes from – I don't let him hang around as much as he used to – although I don't think Will and Xander have been very friendly lately either – and I only rarely let him see the affection for him that's grown inside me over the last few years. There's the kicker. I like Spike. Ugh, sounds like a political slogan. I care about Spike. That's better… nice, noncommittal, and it doesn't rhyme.

I do care about him. He's a good friend to me and to Dawn and even to the Scoobies, even when we don't do the same for him. And he loves me. I really can't deny that after everything that's happened in the last two years. Plus, as much as I hesitate to say this… the bot was right. He's amazing in bed. Every time he touches me, he acts like it's the first time, like he's discovering something new and exciting and beyond description. He makes me feel beautiful and strong and powerless to resist his touch, his kiss, his body. He sets my skin on fire with arousal so strong I never imagined it was possible. It flows between us, back and forth, gaining a life of its own until it consumes us completely. In those moments I feel like we are the only two people in the world and I could stay with him forever. In those moments I feel like I could love him, if only I could trust myself not to hurt him anymore. And I think he sees all that because, you see, he has these eyes.