Title: One Last Goodbye
Author: Talia Louise Andrews
Rating: G
Spoilers: Memento Mori, Requiem
Disclaimer: Don't expect anything witty or clever. There are only so many different ways of saying, "I took absolutely no part in the creation of these characters, nor am I making money from writing about them."
Notes: Songfic is not usually my thing. But "One Last Goodbye" (by Anathema, from the album "Judgement") seemed entirely fitting.
Summary: Post-Requiem. Scully writes an open letter to Mulder.
One Last Goodbye
By Talia
Scully sat upright in her hospital bed, hours after Skinner had left, with a distinct sense of déjà vu. She couldn't count the number of times she had been in this very position; hospitalized, battered and bruised, emotionally and physically, and Mulder nowhere to be found. The difference was this time she knew there was the very real possibility that this would be the last time; that he wasn't coming back. At least the Mulder she knew wouldn't.
"Miss Scully?" She glanced up as one of the nurses cautiously entered her room. "I brought you the items you asked for." Scully forced a smile as the nurse tentatively placed the A4 notebook and three or four pens on the bedside table, and she thanked her as she left.
Scully looked dejectedly at the inexpensive wire-bound notebook and collection of cheap biros. It wasn't exactly the hardback leather journal she had written her innermost reflections in during her cancer treatment, and the nasty biros would give her writer's cramp, unlike her weighty fountain pen, but they would have to do. The exercise would be cathartic enough, no matter what cheap implements she used.
The tears came naturally as she began to write.
How I needed you. How I grieve now you're gone. In my dreams, I see you. I awake so alone. I know you didn't want to leave, your heart yearned to stay. But the strength I always loved in you finally gave way.
She recalled the night she last saw Mulder. How she wouldn't let him go back to Oregon alone, that sick feeling in the well of her stomach that something dreadful would happen to him. She condemned herself for letting him go at all. And how it was all the more agonizing following that lonely night they had spent together in his motel room.
Somehow, I knew you would leave me this way. Somehow, I knew you could never stay. And in the early morning light, after a silent peaceful night, you took my heart away. And I grieve.
Her eyes misted over with frustrated sadness. She looked away from the page in front of her that had become blurred, and wiped angrily at her tears. Angry at Mulder, and at herself, not knowing which of them was more to blame, and cursing him for his stubbornness, and herself for never being able to talk him out of anything. She swallowed back the lump that was forming in the back of her throat, and turned back to her page.
In my dreams I can see you, I can tell you how I feel. In my dreams I can hold you, and it feels so real. I still feel the pain. I still feel your love. And somehow I knew you would leave me.
Scully brought her free hand to her stomach, and felt a fragment of gratitude that a small part of Mulder remained with her.
I wish you could have stayed.
The End.