Disclaimer- I do not own Rookie Blue or any of the dialogue from 4x03 that wound up in this story, nor do I own the words of Pablo Neruda.

Well, now

If little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you

Little by little

If suddenly you forget me

Do not look for me

For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life

And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots

Remember

That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms

And my roots will set off to seek another land

― Pablo Neruda

RBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRB RBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRB RBRBRB

Quitting. It's not a word that I, or anyone for that fact, would associate with my name. Andy McNally the quitter- it just doesn't sound quite right. I've rarely ever given up on something that I want because I'd hate to make a habit out of showing people that I'm willing to relinquish the things I most desire. I fight to the death for what I want, and I win. I win because I'm Andy McNally.

All of that's true- except for today. Today, I gave up. Today I conceded defeat. Today, I lost.

I lost the thing, the person, which I had fought for time and time again. However hard the loss was, I made sure that I bowed out on my own terms and in a graceful way.

I could see from the way their arms snaked around each other's body that there was something of meaning, some depth between them. They appeared comfortable in each other's presence, not caring about the world outside of their bubble. The way they walked was the telltale sign of their symbiosis, they supported each other in equal measure and one never took too much of the other.

What they have is different, and whilst it might not be better, it's something that I'm both jealous of and am able to commend. They function in a seemingly healthy way that allows them to each have their space but to also be there for one another. That's a balance that Sam and I never got quite right.

I had planned to fight for him, to make him see that we were supposed to be. Instead I saw them together and I knew. I could see that he seemed happy, that she was making him happy. He was in a good place despite everything that had happened prior to my six months undercover and that's all I ever really wanted - him to be content.

I won't lie to myself and say that it was easy to walk away, in fact it's one of the hardest things I've ever done but I had to do it. I won't be the reason for driving two people apart, I won't be Jo. I can see that my chances, for now, are slim to none and as much as it tears at my heart-I'm ok with that.

I shouldn't have expected him to wait for me, just like I shouldn't ask myself to wait until things possibly end with Marlo. Why should I let my life pass me by? I might be quitting Sam Swarek but I am not quitting my existence. I have a job; a job that I love, I have my friends and above all, I have time.

In the game of life, there is always an element of risk. In order to truly experience all that this rollercoaster has in store for you, you must be willing to watch the odds, place your bets and shout until you reach the finish line. If the odds aren't in your favor, you take a gamble in the opposite direction and sometimes you realize that that's the path you were always supposed to take.

If you liked this, please review :D