Hey guys, just needed to express my Japril feels before Shonda crushes every last one of them in the finale. Enjoy!
"Is it weird that all I want to do right now is have a drink." She laughs as they walk down the hallway. It's true, after all the stress and excitement of the last few hours nothing sounds better than a glass of scotch.
"Hey, you want to go to Joe's?" She asks Jackson as they come to stop by the nurses station. It's such a familiar question, something they've asked each other a thousand times before.
It hits her then, how little they've hung out lately, in between pregnancy scares and interns and losing patients. She misses it, misses him really. He's always been her person.
Don't get her wrong, she's happy to have Matthew. But it's not the same. She can't tell him about her day, or expect him to understand the crazy things she does, not like Jackson does. He's the only one that really understands that side of her, see's past the tangled fray of nerves and heightened emotions.
He doesn't answer her, just stands there with his eyebrows creased. Like he's fighting an internal struggle.
Maybe it was a bad idea to ask him, she should have just kept quiet.
"Uh, actually yeah. A drink sounds good." He says, nodding his head.
"Really? That's great. I just have another patient to check on and then I'm done." She says, smiling up at him.
"Okay. I'll meet you outside in a bit." Jackson tells her, returning her smile.
"Great. See you then." She says, running back down the corridor towards the elevator.
It takes her less than 10 minutes to check on the last of her patients, she has Ross and Edwards stay back to run some labs on one of her post ops, then spends the next fifteen minutes in the locker room getting changed. She hesitates on her way out the door, before pulling a brush through her hair and putting on a fresh coat of lipgloss.
It's not a date, she reasons with herself. They're both seeing other people.
He's happy with Stephanie, she's happy with Matthew. It's not a date.
By the time she's made it down to the lobby he's waiting by the entrance. He's wearing dark jeans, his nikes, and the varsity jacket she's always loved. It's almost criminal how good he looks, especially after finishing a 24 hour shift.
"Hey." She smiles, walking up to him.
"Hey. You all set?"
"Yeah. I'm ready." She let's him lead the way, as they agree to take his car.
They walk through the car park to his car, where he quickly dumps his duffel bag in the boot. She can't help but smile when he opens her door for her before running over to his own side.
His car is exactly how she remembers it, and it makes her stomach clench with that sense of nostalgia. When they were dating, they'd carpooled together most days, Jackson driving, and April fiddling with the radio stations on his stereo. He'd pretend to get upset when she messed with the pre set channels, but she caught him smiling a few times as she fiddled with the dials and sung along to certain songs that came on.
"You know, it was actually pretty fun being back in the OR with you today." Jackson says, as he leans across the front panel to turn on the heater.
"Yeah, it was." She says, smiling across at him.
"Thanks for scrubbing in with me."
"Anytime." He says, looking sideways at her.
The conversation drifts to upcoming surgeries and work schedules as they drive the remaining few blocks to the bar. It's fairly crowded when they get inside, typical for a Friday night.
She finds them a booth towards the back, while Jackson goes to get the first round.
He walks back over carrying two glasses of scotch and sits down opposite her.
"They were all out of smoking nipples." He says with a smile, sliding her drink across to her.
"I think after today that's probably for the best. Thank you."
"You're welcome." He says, raising his glass to hers.
"What should we drink to?" She asks.
"To senator skank and Doctor dumbass."
"And aspiring to greatness" She laughs.
She knocks her glass against his and then proceeds to throw back three quarters of her drink. She wasn't planning on getting drunk tonight, but it's early (or late) and she's off tomorrow, and tonight feels like a night to celebrate.
"Take it easy there, tiger. We all know you're a lightweight." He jokes, taking another sip of his.
"Who are you calling the lightweight, I've seen you after a few beers." She tells him.
He smirks at her in a way that makes her heart flutter.
"You know, I really am sorry about everything I said the other day."
"I know. It's fine. It was a rough day for everyone." He acknowledges, sipping his drink.
It was, and his confession to her towards the end of it had only served to bring more confusion. On one hand, she was happy that Matthew had come to get her back, he was everything she could want in a man - loyal, patient, kind - and he'd made it clear she was everything he could want in a woman, but there was something in the space between the two of them that didn't quite fit. Almost like the wrong piece of a jigsaw puzzle.
But she'd agreed to take him back, more out of shock and surprise than the knowledge that deep down she was in love with a different man, one that would never love her back.
"I never should have blamed you. I was the one that took advantage remember." She says, and can't help but smile at the memory. There's a voice in her head that's telling her this conversation is a bad idea but she squashes it down with another mouthful of scotch.
"Believe me, I remember." He mirrors back her smile.
"I'm going to go get us another round."
She needs a distraction before she does something that she'll regret in the morning, and doesn't wait for his reply, or see the way his eyes trail after her as she heads towards the bar.
Joe's behind the bar and they make friendly conversation while he pours their drinks.
She orders two tequila shots to go with them, and carries the tray back over to the table.
He doesn't say anything when she places the drinks in front of him, just smirks and picks up his shot glass.
"Alright then. Cheers, Kepner."
Half an hour and three more shots later they're both feeling the buzz of the alcohol.
They've exhausted nearly every topic and even played a game of darts. April blames the scotch for losing against Jackson. He blames her short arms.
"Let's dance, Jackman." She says moving her head from side to side.
"There's no music." He says laughing at her as she wriggles around in the booth.
"Oh! Jukebox. Wait here." Sliding out of the booth, she quickly makes her way over to the jukebox by the side of the bar. She has to squint to make out the choices but her eyes light up when she settles on a familiar song.
It's risky, and she knows playing it will just bring up memories, but the half a bottle of scotch running through her bloodstream whisper's in her ear it's a good idea and it's always been one of her favourites.
She's just made it back to the table when the first notes start to play throughout the bar. His eyes flick up to hers as she stands there looking at him.
settle down with me,
cover me up,
cuddle me in,
"Is this..-
It is. The song that had played at Bailey's wedding as they'd sought out each others eyes on the dance floor, both going through the motions with their respective dates, while fighting the urge to be together.
"Dance with me." She insists.
"April.." His face doesn't give anything away, but there's a warning tone to his voice. They're walking a dangerous line.
"Jackson, just dance with me."
lie down with me and,
hold me in your arms,
He seems to let go of whatever internal struggle he's fighting and let's her drag him out of the booth. There's one or two other people dancing around them, swaying really, but she doesn't care.
He seems unsure whether or not to touch her so she winds her arms around his neck, pulling him farther down, needing to be as close to him as humanly possible. She has a boyfriend, and he has a girlfriend, but for right now she's choosing to forget that.
your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck
i'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet
and with a feeling i'll forget, i'm in love now
She closes her eyes for a brief moment, resting her head against his shoulder
and letting herself remember what it used to feel like to be here.
Having him this close to her, being able to feel the warmth of his skin against hers.
i was made to keep your body warm
but i'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms
His hands tighten their grip around her waist, sliding their way up to the small of her back. She takes a deep breath, and lifts her face up to look into his. She know's he can see the tears in her eyes.
"April." He breathes. "We can't."
"I know." She says, looking back down.
so kiss me like you wanna be loved,
this feels like falling in love,
we're falling in love
His face moves closer to hers, until she can feel his breath on her lips. He doesn't kiss her though, just looks at her through half closed eyelids and heavy lashes.
He's so close she can count the freckles on his nose. His hands move steady up her spine towards the base of her neck where he brushes aside the curls teasing her skin.
kiss me like you wanna be loved,
you wanna be loved
The song comes to an end but they both stay still just staring, neither brave enough to make the first move. The only interruption comes in the form of Jacksons phone notifying him of a text. It's enough to break them apart and she takes a step back, running a hand through her hair as he retrieves the phone from his pocket.
She walks back towards the booth and sits down on shaky legs, wondering what she's even doing here. She has a boyfriend, and Jackson's off limits. They can't do this again. Even though it feels right.
He walks back over a minute later, stuffing his phone back into his jacket.
"Are you okay?" She asks, noticing the frown on his face.
"Yeah, fine. It wasn't important." He says looking back at her.
"Jackson.." She starts to say, unsure how to say what she's thinking.
"I know."
They're both thinking it, feeling the same electric current running between them, but knowing they can't act on it.
"Do you want another drink?" He asks.
"Um, yeah. Just one more." She says, and it's true. She's already feeling a substantial buzz.
"I'm going to run to the bathroom real quick." She tells him as she slides out of the booth."
Luckily there's no line in the small bathroom, and she spends the next few minutes standing in front of the mirror staring at her reflection. Her eyes are bright and glassy and her cheeks are flushed. She doesn't recognise the girl staring back at her, but she looks happy. Splashing cold water on her face, she makes her way back towards the bar.
She's barely made it three steps when she feels hands grasp her waist and pull her back into the alcove. She know's its Jackson before she sees him. His mouth descends on hers, as he pushes her back against the wall. It's lined with framed black and white photos and she can feel the cool of the glass against her back. The kiss is deep and dangerous, and enough to make her knees go weak.
She pulls him closer by the edge of his t-shirt and presses her open mouth just below his collarbone. He tastes like salt and sweat; and it's so familiar it makes her heart throb violently inside her body, comforted by the swift pounding of his, the frantic beats overlapping in perfect time. She tries to wrap her brain around what is happening, to rationalise the insanity of this strangely magnetic pull, but fails miserably as his mouth sweeps away all trains of thought.
"Jackson." She exhales against his lips, as his mouth trails a hot line down her neck.
She's not sure how long they stay there, locked away in a dark embrace, but eventually the need to breathe becomes painfully apparent. She shuts her eyes tighter, willing her lungs to hold out. He pulls his mouth away as she takes a step back, trying to find her balance, while they both gasp for air. His hand drops to her waist, steadying her, and he leans his forehead on hers.
"April." He breathes, eyes dark and voice deep.
Her teeth clamp down on her bottom lip, as she stares up at him, running her tongue across the swollen flesh, savouring his aftertaste.
Jackson's eyes dart down to her lips and follow her movements.
"Jackson." She whispers, waiting for him to say something.
"God, I'm in love with you." He say softly.
"What?" She asks, looking dumbstruck. Surely he hadn't just said what she thought she'd heard.
"If you love someone, you tell them, even if you're scared." He says, and it's so soft she barely catches it, like he's talking more to himself than her.
"April, I know it's not the right time. It's never the right time for us, but I love you.
I'm in love with you. I just need you to know that." He says, stepping back and leaning his head against the wall. His eyes close briefly and it looks like a huge weight has come off his shoulders.
"I..I.." She feels frozen.
But Jackson's right, if you love someone you tell them. Life's too short. April know's that better than anyone, just look at everyone they've lost over the last few years. Charles and Reed, Lexie and Sloan. They'd all waited too long, and missed their shot. And she doesn't want to wind up a year from now bleeding to death on a hospital floor or trapped under the wing of a plane using her last few moments to reminisce about the love she'd given up because she was too afraid.
"What..what If I told you I love you too?" She whispers, shutting her eyes.
It's the truth, she's been in love with him for months, maybe longer, but she's never let herself really think about it. Never let herself dream that he would return the sentiment, let alone be the first to say it.
His eyes find hers again as he steps closer toward her.
"I'd say let's go home so I can show you how much I love you." His voice has taken on a huskier tone and his eyes are that dark shade of jade. It's enough for her to consider letting him pull her into the bathroom behind them. But she can't, not yet.
"Jackson, we can't. We're seeing people.. this, this is bad." She says, shaking her head.
"Hey." His hands come up to rest on either side of her face, forcing her to look at him.
"Nothing that feels this good can be bad. You told me that."
She nods her head, because she knows he's right.
"Let's go."
He takes her hand in his as they make their way towards the door, him in front pulling her along. His steps falter as they bump into someone making their way inside the bar.
"Steph." He says as the intern stares at him.
"Wow, I guess when you replied to my text saying you were busy tonight you really meant it huh?" She sneers, looking past him at April, her eyes darting down to their joined hands.
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on." He says, unsure of what else to say.
"But you did anyway." She says, trying not to cry.
"I never meant anything to you. I was just keeping your sheets warm until she came back to you." The emphasis she puts on 'she' makes it obvious to April, the younger girls referring to her.
As much as April wants to dislike the girl, she can't help but feel bad for her.
She'd basically pushed the two of them together at Bailey's wedding, and she can't fault the girl for falling for the plastic surgeon. Besides, she knows better than anyone what it feels like to have your heart broken by him.
"Stephanie, we.. this wasn't.. we didn't plan this-" She tries to say, hoping to comfort the girl in some way, but not really sure how to without making it worse.
"Just stop, the both of you. It's my fault for being a naive little girl who thought I actually meant something to you." She says, looking at Jackson. "I knew how you felt about her the whole time, and I thought maybe one day you'd look at me a fraction of the way you look at her. My mistake."
"Look, Steph.."
"Have a nice life together." She throws over her shoulder bitterly before walking towards her friends at the other end of the bar.
They stand there for another minute, both looking shocked, before Jackson puts his hand on the small of her back and leads them out of the bar.
When they make it to his car they sit stationary for a few minutes, processing everything that's just happened. He looks worried, and she can tell it's because he never wanted to hurt the intern, even though he never considered them serious.
She reaches across and picks up his hand, lacing their fingers together with a comforting squeeze. After a minute he squeezes back, and brushes his thumb over her knuckles.
"I guess there's some conversations we need to have." She says, hating to bring it up, but knowing it's the truth.
"There is, just not tonight. Tonight is about me and you." He says, looking across at her.
"You really think we can make this work?"
"Hey, look at me."
"We can do this." His eyes look deep into hers and she can feel the amount of sheer warmth and affection laying beneath the surface.
"We can do this."
Yes, she thinks. They can do this.